InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ I Can Still Feel You ❯ I Can Still Feel You ( Chapter 1 )

Another songfic…enjoy

 

Standard disclaimers apply

I Can Still Feel You

 

It's that feeling that someone

Is standing behind me

And I turn around and there's no one there

 

Kneeling down next to the injured soldier lying on the pallet in a ruined peasant's home, I gave him a small smile. The wound he was suffering from was a fatal one and I knew there was no way he would last the night.

“Good lady, I know from your sad eyes I shall not live.” The man gasped out, pain twisting his bloodstained face. “May I ask of you one favor?”

“Of course.” I used a wet cloth to wash his face clean of blood.

“Take my sword and end this pain,” he requested, begging me with his eyes.

“Anything to ease your passing,” I told him, reaching for the blade as my entire being rebelled against it; there was no reason to kill him. I didn't want to kill someone in cold blood, for doing nothing to me, but this poor man wanted me to. Pushing myself to my feet, I raised the katana above my head and brought it down with a whistle, severing his head from his body. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, warning me someone was there. Tightening my grip on the dirtied blade, I whipped around to find that it was my imagination and only the dead soldier and I were there.

 

It's the sensation

That someone just whispered

Yeah I still hear your voice but you're not really here

 

Walking through the forest my clothes stained by blood and dirt I leave behind me a fresh grave. Around me the wildlife continue on with their activities not knowing of death and pain. Exhaustion forced me to sit down in the shade of a tall tree to try and gather energy; soon I would need more souls.

Why had it come to this? I hadn't wanted to come back, I had been…not happy but content. Then she had revived me placing me in a body with no warmth and a heart full of hate. I want Inu-Yasha dead so I can leave this impure plane but each time I am foiled in an attempt to kill him I secretly rejoice. While I crave death to escape my half-existence I am afraid. I have died once it is true but one never really stops fearing death, that's why I want Inu-Yasha to come with me. He says he loves me and always thinks of me but I know when it is time for him to make a choice he will choose Kagome. My fear of being alone is much stronger than my fear of death.

Pulling my knees to my chest I wish to be able to cry but the ogress didn't think the strong priestess Kikyo would have the need to cry. She had no knowledge of the tears I had shed in silence when everything overwhelmed me. Kaede once found me crying at our mother's grave, she had been so shocked and distressed I knew that no one could know of my sadness. Like anything repressed my depression had grown causing me to long more and more to be like a normal, average girl.

“Kikyo, don't be sad.” It was Inu-Yasha, I was sure of it; I could feel his lips brushing over my ear. Jerking around I found no one behind me, just the tree.

“Why Inu-Yasha? Why must you haunt me? Why did you betray me?” I cried out even though he wasn't there, even though I know he didn't betray me. It's so much easier to keep believing he betrayed me and I died because of him than to admit it had basically been my fault and I still loved him.

 

Your memory is like a ghost

And my heart is its host

 

Letting go of my knees I leaned back against the tree; it's so similar to the one I pinned you to fifty years ago Inu-Yasha. Fifty years ago…there are so many memories, some good, and some bad. The endless stream of demons I had had to kill, and then you Inu-Yahsa, you made up for it, every moment. The talks in the meadow; the boat rides on the river; your sweet kisses, I miss it all. My fondest wish is to go back to the way it was, to not have any worries fro a while.

Reaching down I pulled off my sandals and socks giving my feet the chance to breathe and taste the earth. I used to do this all the time; you'd be sitting above me in the tree and we'd talk, sometimes I'd even laugh. The memories are threatening to break free from the place where I've stored them; my heart. I don't want this.

 

I can still feel you just as close as skin

Every now and then

All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed

 

As I release my hair from its restraint I think about all the times I've felt your touch only to have you not be there. When I really contemplate it I realize that you're always with me though you don't know it. I wonder often if I ever affect you this way; do you fall asleep with me on your mind? Do you wake up and instantly think of me? Every night and morning I know my thoughts dwell on you. I can't escape you, and I don't want to.

Slowly the sun is fading, its dying rays giving way to the dark, cols night. The never ending cycle continues as the stars start to come out to twinkle at you lovers and mock the discarded ones like me. At moments like this I would give anything to be dead and not have to feel these emotions; to constantly have your presence linger around me.

 

There's a place you have touched

With your love

No one gets close to

 

All about me the night animals begin to stir and come out to greet the moon, which is their sun. Like everything else this reminds me of all the time I spent with you. You changed me in more ways than you know when you treated me like a normal person. You reached deep down into my much neglected heart to bring me to life. Even though I died before I had the chance to try and forget you I know that no one could ever erase what I felt. No one would ever be able to make me love them like I do you. It's also impossible for anyone to love me the way you did. You were and are my once in a lifetime love, and I have to say I'm glad I found you.

 

You said you'd love me forever

Then you said it's over

And left me without the missing link

 

Were all our vows of undying love so shallow you have dismissed them this easily? While you have moved on to my reincarnate I am left here with no one to care about me. I know that my own selfish fears are what are keeping me alive and I damn myself every time I think about it because I am the reason my pain is prolonged. Inside I feel empty as though you've walked off with something vitally important to me. It used to be you completed me, you were the missing piece to my soul, but now without you, I'm incomplete.

 

I thought I'd forget you

But I guess I forgot to

And lately I've been too confused to think

 

When you tried to save me from falling off that cliff I realized I didn't loath you as much as I said I did. What drove my hatred was the fear you would abandon me and the power that you held over me. As I ran from you and Kagome I told myself I was running because I didn't want to lose the rest of my restored soul. The truth was that seeing you and how much you cared for Kagome hurt far more than your betrayal. Foremost in my mind was the need to escape, for revenge and also to shove you from my mind. No matter where I went I was reminded of you or of the fact that I shouldn't be alive.

I strove to thrust you from my thoughts but every time I found myself with a spare moment I would think of you. When I was not engaged in some strenuous or arduous task nothing could stop me from turning to you. To try and figure out what is going on and what exactly I am feeling would be like trying to count all the stars in the night sky. Usually my thoughts of you switch from violent to romantic in mere seconds; tonight is a rare time of clarity.

I'm scared to die unless you come with me. I don't want you to die but I must seek revenge. I want Kagome dead and gone but she is me in the future. I don't want to die but my living is unnatural. Nothing makes sense anymore, though to think about it, it never did to begin with.

 

When I reach for someone new

It's like I'm touching you

 

Now in this cursed half-life I live I have the possibility to try and forget you, but even looking at another man feels wrong. The thought of trying to love anyone but you makes me almost physically sick. When I dress another's wounds I think of you as I do it, wondering if you're alright.

In the distance I can hear my soul gatherers coming with the souls of young girls clutched in their claws. I know that this is the only way to survive; I know it is wrong; I know it damns me. Though I crave the eternal peace of death I fear the process I must go through to obtain it. How death claimed me last time destroyed the person I was and I have no wish to go through it again. In death I would be freed but also restricted from seeking revenge on the one who killed me, Naraku who was once Onigumo.

Inu-Yasha, you and your pitiful group believe I am betraying, desecrating the memory of our love, but I am not. There is no better way to obliterate this taint named Naraku from this plane than to do it playing his own game. Helping him to collect the shards allows me to monitor him and know his weaknesses. The quicker he gathers them the more he deludes himself into thinking he is the strongest, that he is in control. Once all the shards are together I'll fuse them back into one jewel and use it to destroy him. In removing him from this world I'll taint the Shikon no Tama so I would then have to find a way to fix it.

 

I can still feel you just as close as skin

Every now and then

All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed

 

Standing up I looked up into the tree half expecting to see you crouched up on a lower branch watching me, but no one is there. All those years ago when we were starting to befriend each other I remember your shock when you discovered I had never climbed a tree. Immediately you commenced teaching me the fine art of scrambling up the trunk without injuring ones self. It had taken a while for me to master this new skill. Many times I had fallen down onto my rear end picking up lots of scrapes and bruises while you, Inu-Yasha laughed at me without shame.

Drawing a deep breath I reached out and grasped the lowest branch, which was just a little way above my head. Gripping the trunk with my other hand I place my bare foot on the rough bark and began to haul myself up. I was nearly to the next branch when I slipped and fell down landing flat on my back knocking the wind from my lungs. Laying there I stared up at the leaf covered tree branched wondering what had inspired me to do this.

“You gonna just lie there or actually try to climb the damn thing?” Inu-Yasha's voice floated down to my ears just like when I was just beginning to learn.

 

There's a place you've touched

With your love

No one gets close to

 

Getting to my feet again I eyed the tree with distaste, there was no way I was going to let a tree beat me. Quickly and efficiently I brushed myself off before grabbing the tree and starting again.

 

I can still feel you, I can still feel you

I can still fell you, I can still feel you

 

As I pulled myself up onto the first branch I could feel your hands on my waist assisting me. Higher and higher I went focusing on my goal, which was a sturdy branch that was very high up. Every time I paused to catch my breath I could hear your words from back then spurring me upward.

 

In everything that moves

In everything I do

 

I had made it; I was sitting on my designated branch staring out into the forest. My hair was tangled; my skin marred by scrapes and scratches and sweat dampened my body. Satisfaction and pride for making it all the way up warmed me. It was like the first time; it was so much better to climb up than to float up. If you were here you'd make some comment that would leave me to guess whether or not it was an insult or a compliment.

 

I can still feel you just as close as skin

Every now and then

All by myself, in a crowded room, or my empty bed

 

Wrapping my arms around the trunk of the tree I pressed my face into the bark as I began to sob; tears poured freely from my eyes like blood from a fatal wound. A keening wail of my own joins in with the other sounds of the night. It's no only my eyes that are crying but my heart and soul as I let the poison leave me.

 

There's a place you've touched

With your love

No one gets close to

 

Completely drained of energy I lean heavily into the tree; I have realized that the reason I couldn't cry wasn't because I wasn't capable but because I wasn't ready. Now I'm ready, I know what I must do to fix what has gone wrong. Once the Shikon no Tama has been put together and destroyed Naraku it must be purified. I must purify it using my soul.

That can only be done through my death.

 

I can still feel you, I can still feel you

I can still feel you, I can still feel you

 

 

Please R&R