InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ I'm Not Okay ❯ I'm Not Okay ( Chapter 1 )

A/n A one-shot song-fic about how Kagome really feels sometimes when she's reminded about Kikyo and Inuyasha's former relationship. I kind of get off topic near the middle, but, it's Kagome. ^_~ I tried to avoid any bashing.

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or I'm not Ok (I Promise) by MCR

 

“Mental half #1”

`Mental half #2'

`Normal speech'

~*~Well if you wanted honesty, ~*~

~*~That's all you had to say~*~

~*~I never want to let you down or have you go~*~

 

Kagome Sighed. They seemed to be running into Kikyo more and more frequently. It was almost like she was trying to run into them. Kagome didn't mind seeing her. She respected the fact that Inuyasha had loved her once, but every time she saw them together, it still pulled at a small part of her heart. She knew that she would never be able to compare to Kikyo in anything, but the way Inuyasha looked at her sometimes, it made her almost want to cry. She also really hated being compared to Kikyo. Kagome was her own person. Even if she was a reincarnation, she had her own personality, her own talents, and her own faults. If they didn't look alike, they would have nothing in common, other than their love for Inuyasha.

~*~It's better off this way~*~
~*~For all the dirty looks~*~
~*~The photographs your boyfriend took~*~
~*~Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor? ~*~

She trudged to the well, pausing every few steps to look back. She was hoping, praying that he would come for her, give her a reason to stay, force her to stay. She wanted to stay oh so very much, but she just couldn't. She couldn't go on smiling and helping everybody when she knew deep inside that the man she loved would always partially belong to someone else. She had known ever since Kikyo had been resurrected that she would one day have to choose to either accept that fact, or leave him.

`Baka' she muttered under her breath `Kagome no baka!' she stated slightly louder. Why hadn't she left him before she had gotten so attached? If she had been asked that question six months ago, she would have known the answer. She would have said that she had to go with him to collect the jewel shards, because she had shattered it. Now, she wasn't so sure that was the real reason. She had felt attached to him. It was the part of her soul that had grown attached to him when it belonged to Kikyo. She had felt it. She had felt the attraction to him that Kikyo had felt over 500, or 50 years before.

 

~*~ Not okay. ~*~

~*~I'm not okay. ~*~
~*~I'm not okay. ~*~
~*~You wear me out. ~*~

 

She collapsed beside the well. Was she making the right decision? Was it really fair to everybody else to leave them? How would they get the jewel shards without her? Would her time still be the same if she left? Why did she have to care so much about everybody else? Why couldn't she just bring herself to leave them?

She pounded one fist on the side of the well. She had done everything to prolong the inevitable. She had packed slowly, leaving a few items behind, including a note and the jewel shards. She had even slipped the rosary off Inuyasha's neck in hopes that he would wake up, and if not, that he would at least come for her in time, and she would have no way of preventing him from forcing her back to the village. Maybe she was over reacting? Maybe she was just imagining the long-held glances sent between her former-self and her hanyou. Maybe Inuyasha really did love her with all his heart. Maybe Naraku wore fuzzy pink bunny slippers on every one of his tentacles at night. Kagome didn't hate Kikyo for this. She had no reason to. It was nobody's fault. Nobody chose to fall in love, nobody chose for Kagome to be Kikyo's reincarnation, nobody chose for Inuyasha to love both of them, it just happened.

~*~What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? ~*~
~*~(I'm not okay)~*~
~*~I've told you time and time again, you sing the words~*~
~*~but don't know what it means. (I'm not okay)~*~

Maybe it was a mistake to take the rosary beads off. What if she decided she really wanted to go, but Inuyasha wouldn't let her? She would be stuck in Sengoku Jidai forever. Would that really be such a bad thing though? She would have Inuyasha, Shippou, Sango, Miroku, Kaede, even Kouga to help her get over it. Not like Inuyasha would be a big help, but Kagome knew that if she started crying, he would get her almost whatever she wanted. She had that down to an art. If she ever wanted to go home really badly, she would just have to start crying, and Inuyasha would give in almost every time. The problem was that he could smell if the tears were fake, so she had to make them as real as possible. She was quite confused though. How did real tears smell any different than fake ones? Another problem with that strategy was Inuyasha's puppy-dog look. He had recently mastered the technique of rotating his ears back, and getting this irresistible look in his eyes. It had made her stop crying every time, if just for her to touch his ears. Ears. His ears! How could she possibly live without them? They protected her when she was sleeping, comforted her when she was sad, amused her when she was bored, and even made her love her little puppy more every time they twitched. Why hadn't she considered all of this before she had left? It was too late to turn back. She had started, and she'd be damned if anything stopped her, unless of course, that something was Inuyasha. Where was her stubbornness? Why couldn't she just go like she had so many other times?

`Because this time will be final.' She answered herself. `Because if you leave, you will be leaving Kikyo to Inuyasha. Because if you leave, you will be leaving Shippou to Inuyasha's wrath. Because if you leave, If you leave you will hate yourself for making that decision forever.'

Why did she care if she left Kikyo to Inuyasha? She loved him first. Didn't she deserve to be with him? She could protect herself. She didn't need Inuyasha to help her every time she was being attacked by some lesser youkai. Kikyo was strong. Kikyo was everything Kagome wasn't. Inuyasha deserved her more than he deserved Kagome. `But does he love her as much?' That little voice had to ask. Did he? Kagome was confused now. Kikyo was everything he wanted, needed in a woman, yet he seemed to love Kagome just as much, if not more than Kikyo. Why?

 

~*~To be a joke and look~*~
~*~Another line without a hook. ~*~

Damnit! Kagome just couldn't think anymore. These actions that she wanted to carry out, they didn't involve thought, yet she couldn't seem to be able to bring herself to do anything without carefully considering all her other options. All she had to do was pull herself up and drop herself into the well. It was that simple, but she couldn't do it. `Why not?' the question echoed in her head. Why? Because she was weak? No, that couldn't be it. If she was weak, she would have left a long time ago. `if you're weak, you'll leave now.' Damn that stupid little voice! She wasn't weak, was she? She couldn't be weak. She had looked Sesshoumaru in the eye and not faltered. She had stood up to countless demons to save a friend. `But compared to everybody else, you're weak. You have a strong mind, but your body isn't worth shit.' When had she started thinking like Inuyasha? She was confused. She could stand in front of a little girl, almost guaranteeing her own demise, but she didn't have the strength to stand up and fall? `you really are worthless Kagome' she told herself. What was she doing? She was slowing everybody else down. She was the reason that so many of her friends had gotten injured.

 

~*~I held you close as we both shook for the last time.~*~
~*~Take a good hard look!~*~

“NO!” She told herself. “I'm not weak! If I was weak, if I was weak I would have died a long time ago. If I was weak, they wouldn't have let me travel with them.”

`Are you sure? Are you sure you're not just some shard detector? What else are you good for anyways?' “NO!” She finally yelled. She wouldn't let the voice win. She was Kagome Higurashi, and Inuyasha cared about her for who she was, not who she used to be, right? `You don't sound so confident now, do you? Maybe you should have stayed with Hojou. He wouldn't have betrayed you.'

“I am confident! And how could I have stayed with Hojou if I was never with him to begin with? Anyways, I wouldn't want Inuyasha any other way.”

`Really? Wouldn't you like him better if he didn't love Kikyo?'

“I can't hate Kikyo! And I can't blame him for loving Kikyo, after all, if he hadn't fallen in love with Kikyo, then would I ever have met him? If he hadn't met Kikyo then he wouldn't have pinned to Goshinboku, and if that hadn't happened, then I'd be dead.”

`You don't owe your life to him, you owe it to Kaede. She's the one that put the beads of subjugation on Inuyasha. Without them, he would have killed you anyway.'

“NO! Inuyasha wouldn't have done that! Even back then, I trusted him. I knew he wouldn't truly harm me. I think he just thought that if he scared me I'd give him the jewel.”

 

~*~I'm not okay.~*~
~*~I'm not okay.~*~
~*~I'm not okay.~*~
~*~You wear me out.~*~

 

`You honestly think that Inuyasha would have thought twice about killing you just because you were weak? If anything, it would have given him more of a reason to kill you. You wouldn't have put up a fight. Face it, you're weak.'

Tears were falling freely from Kagome's eyes now. How could she have been so stupid? She was just baggage to the group. They put up with her because she could help them find Naraku. She didn't even have a real reason for wanting to kill Naraku. She just went along because Inuyasha would protect her. He was her insurance policy. He didn't need her, but she sure as hell needed him.

 

 

~*~Forget about the dirty looks,~*~
~*~The photographs your boyfriend took,~*~
~*~You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed~*~

But no matter how much Kagome wanted to blame herself for everything, some small part of her kept telling her that the group needed her. She was important to them. She was like a jar, and her friends were marbles. At first in may seem like a fine idea to let them roll all around, but eventually you realize that without the case to hold it together, you're going to eventually lose all of the marbles. She did play an important roll in the group. They depended on her as much as she depended on them. Slowly, she started to push the doubt away from her mind. It would always be there, but maybe, just maybe, she would be able to smother it with a feeling of being needed.

 

 

~*~I'm okay.~*~
~*~I'm okay!~*~
~*~I'm okay, now~*~
~*~(I'm okay, now) ~*~

But even if she was going to stay, she still had one problem. The rosary was with her, and there was no way she could possibly get it back on Inuyasha without him waking up. The light of dawn was already slowly creeping over the horizon. If she put them back, it would wake Inuyasha, and arouse suspicion, but if she just left them off, Inuyasha would defiantly be curious, and would most likely want to test out his newfound freedom. Either way, Kagome had a problem, and if she kept them where would she put them? She couldn't keep them, Inuyasha would find them sooner or later, and knowing him, it would be sooner, and if she hid them, he would be able to sniff them out at any given time.

 

 

~*~But you really need to listen to me,~*~
~*~because I'm telling you the truth.~*~
~*~I mean this.~*~
~*~I'm okay!~*~
~*~(Trust me)~*~

The sun was rising, and with it, her companions. Kagome had to think, and think fast. She could jump through the well and tell them all that she had simply wanted to visit her family, but the fact that she hadn't stated anything earlier would arouse suspicion, along with the fact that she had left in the dead of night, with the rosary, when she could have just as easily `sat' Inuyasha a few times, and left on her merry way without much hassle. `Hmph. What'll they think of you now Ka-Go-Me?'

“T-they'll understand.”

`Understand what? That you doubted their trust, their faithfulness, their friendship?'

“It's not as bad as you make it seem!”

`don't you mean how bad you make it seem? Face it. No matter how much you deny it, I am you.'

~*~I'm not okay.~*~
~*~I'm not okay.~*~
~*~Well I'm not okay.~*~
~*~I'm not oh-fuckin' kay~*~

Maybe she was right. They would be offended, and they would have every right to be. She had doubted them. She should have asked them first. Asked them if she was a pain-in-the-ass to have with them. Why hadn't she? `Because you knew that even if it was true, they wouldn't have told you. They would have told you that they loved having you with them, that you're their base. That without you, they would all crumple, when really you're the one leaning on them. You are at the top of the pyramid, only making it harder to hold up. You do nothing to support it.' Eying the well, Kagome stood up. She had made up her mind.

 

 

~*~(I'm not okay)~*~
~*~Well I'm not okay.~*~
~*~(Okay)~*~

 

Just before she entered the blue light of the time slip for the last time, she whispered one word.

“Gomen”