InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Impurity of Selfishness ❯ Manifestations of Doubt and Fear ( Chapter 1 )

“Love is like a mushroom- you never know if it's the real thing until it's too late.”- unknown

 

Having nothing to lose is one of the downfalls of the individualistic mentality adopted by our culture. Not only do we demean the importance of relationships, but also we condemn ourselves to a depressing existence by subscribing to the validity of this idea. For when we truly have nothing to lose, nothing has value to us. By nature, we long after that which we treasure, no matter what that may be. If nothing has worth to us- even our own lives- why live at all? I believe that love is precious and I will do anything in my power to protect and nurture love.

 

Pt.2: Manifestations of doubt and fear

 

 

In my bed at home, I wake up with a start. Barely able to grasp the dream with my mind, I try to remember what happened as I brush the cold sweat from my trembling brow. A sudden déjà-vu feeling passes through my wildly-beating heart. I have dreamt this before, but I don't know why I would torture myself this way. I don't believe that would ever happen, so it doesn't really matter. Does it? No, what I want doesn't matter. He's chosen Kikyo and doesn't love me. He's just playing with me and I should hate him for it, but for better or for worse… I don't- I don't think I could ever hate him, not really. I know I should despise him for his flippant behavior and procrastination in making choices. Well maybe he did decide… He chose her over me. Still, sometimes he treats me as more than just his friend or shard detector, but why can't he make up his mind? Obviously, he wants to protect her with his life. Much to my dismay and jealousy, he goes in a trance when he sees her and stares after her like a starving man hypnotized by a king's banquet.

 

My eyes narrow as I scowl. Shaking my head slightly in frustration, my thoughts continue to run rampant. He would never marry me, even if Kikyo would leave him alone and go to hell by herself… Oh that doesn't sound good. Am I really that horrible? I gasp and bite my lip. But he would not marry me; he doesn't even want to be near to me. He protects me because I'm his shard detector. He has certainly made that very clear- both implicitly and explicitly. If the Shikon no Tama was completed, he would have no reason to be near to me except to steal the other object of his desire- the Shikon no Tama itself. I can barely believe or understand how he wants to become a full youkai even knowing that using the Shikon no Tama only results in suffering. If he fulfilled that supposed desire, he would cease to be himself. Perhaps the pain of childhood scorn and the lust for power are enough to surmount that possible barrier. Love isn't enough for him… I am not enough for him… nothing short of divine intervention and a miracle could save Inuyasha… oh don't think his name, Kagome- I don't know if you can stand it.

 

Idly pulling on a few strands of hair, I look down to compose myself. I give up and maintain my present focus. When he looks at me, he still sees me almost like a detachment of Kikyo. If he feels anything for me, it's mostly or only because of my connection to Kikyo. He acts jealous and holds on to me for that reason and that reason only. He just can't bear to tell me to take a hike because he has a purpose for me. I pound my fist on the bed in frustration and sigh. Then, I look around my room, get up and open the window to view the spring night. In the distance, the waxing gibbous moon glows brilliantly to light the cherry blossom trees. A gentle breeze wafts in, bringing in the light, sweet smell of the blossoms. The simple beauty and sweetness make my heart ache in response. A tear sadly and painfully slowly makes a path down my face, but I make no effort to push it away. Instead, I stare blankly ahead while trying to keep from sobbing. Even more than that, if Kikyo ditches him, he's still got me, the ace in the hole- the one that's alive and wants him to live. Besides, isn't it nice to know someone who loves you and who will forgive you no matter what horrendous things you do to them? Certainly, I love to use the power of the prayer beads. I grin for a moment, but then frown in slight realization. Still… I do forgive him, help him and worry about him.

 

Grabbing my pillow and hugging it absently, I look out the window. What do I want out of this relationship- am I really so stupid as to put up with this? Am I just praying for a miracle that I know will probably never occur? But uncontrollable emotions clash completely with any rational thoughts… When he holds me in his arms or calls my name, I feel my heart soar and my face flush. My heart flutters slightly in remembrance, but I ignore it. Sadly, I love him- there is no doubt about that- but is that enough? If something happened and he did want to be with me, how would it work? Which world would we live in? Could we even stay together in either time? What about being a hanyou- would that just cease to be an issue? Love cannot just push away these issues… is that the kind of life that I really want?

 

My feelings frustrate him, but he doesn't want the reincarnation- he desires the original, not the inferior sequel, as sequels tend to be. If I didn't hold on to him so tightly, he would be able to move on and he'd be happier. I just complicate matters; I am only in the way. He likes me enough not to want to hurt my feelings by asking me to leave him alone. By staying, I set myself up to fall, but I still stay. My presence makes everything worse, but I stay even knowing it inflicts pain on those I love. I really am sick and twisted.

 

Curling up on my bed, I look at the clock and realize that it's still the middle of the night. Sighing with resignation, I have made the decision to defer the decision until later. I will have the strength to act and, well, leave when the correct time comes. Being aware of this, perhaps I can avoid the possible futures my heart fears will come. I am afraid to go back there tomorrow and to look into his eyes. Everything will come to the surface; I just know it. But the longer I wait, the harder it'll be to go back and the more likely it'll be that he'll come to drag me back with him… but I am afraid that he wouldn't come to get me, that he doesn't want me at all... moving on… So I will go back when I wake up in the morning as I said I would. I am strong; I can handle this. The truth is- I must; I have no choice. Everything will seem better and easier after the moment I look into his golden eyes again, even if he looks at me with contempt. I love him; it is all worth it. I just hope I don't hurt him or the others by this decision…I lay back in bed to return to the land of my dreams, hoping to find more pleasant destinations than I had visited previously that night. Anxiety piques at my mind, but slowly I fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.

 

 

A/N- Here's a poem I wrote last year- it just seems like it should go here. It's prose and not so wonderful but so? I like it and I can put it here if I want.

 

Waiting

Waiting for what may never come- that's what I do.

My flying mind, unable to focus on anything,

going round and round around nowhere.

In the middle of eternity,

wind currents fuel the warm pulsing tide of my ocean.

Caught between love and existence, I wander aimlessly.

Through the shadow of my logical processes,

I see my hovering doubts feeding upon the dreams I dream so quietly.

Dreams so precious that if they were spoken, they would break.

More fragile than glass, more beautiful than a perfect diamond, more impossible than the farthest reaches of my conscious imagination- that is my hope.

Hope that I know will break in two,

Dreams that will remain unfulfilled-

Worn from constant thought and dull from the dust of doubt-

The dreams still glitter and scintillate brilliantly in the shadowy recesses of my mind.

Impossible to kill, I treasure it although it stabs my subconscious and conscious self.

Beauty too shallow, too unreal, too painful;

Sorrow too tangible, too beautiful, too unfair-

All idealized principles we cannot hold in our limited minds-

Larger than ourselves- and more enduring than any fragile and tainted, unreliable memory.

How to fly?

Trying to create wings without a concept,

Trying to identify without senses,

Trying to believe without respect or hope,

Trying to be free while tying the self down with earnest love,

Trying to love without wanting to lose control,

Trying to not be in love through denial and conscious ignorance of definition,

Defying truth in the face of eternity- feeling without permission,

Desire unboundless, the mind unwilling,

But the heart knows better.