InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Impurity of Selfishness ❯ Weapon of Nothingness ( Chapter 6 )

Aloha minna! I'm back from Maui, Hawaii. It was great. My parents drove me a little nuts but it was still an incredible trip. I am thinking about doing a one-shot humor fic about the gang attending a lu'au- it might be interesting fluff. Ok now I must apologize for not updating before I left for Hawaii- I got caught up packing. Still, it's not as if y'all really care that much about whether I am completely accurate in those predictions anyway. <shrug> Let's see- I changed feh to keh- I know both are used and I wasn't sure but I like the sound of keh better when I say it so I switched them all.

 

Angelstars and Classic Cowboy- Thanks again for reviewing! It means sooo much to me. It's nice to know that the story is going over decently well, after all. Angelstars, thank you for the idea of Kisho- I think that would be absolutely perfect. Also, about that part with Kikyo- wait til you see the epilogue I am working on. You see I have written the ending and some of the epilogue, which is a monologue by Kikyo- and maybe one each by Kagome and IY. Kikyo's is turning out really well. I am not a big Kikyo fan myself, but I wanted the monologue to tie up a few loose ends in the story. It's the inbetween I haven't written and now I get to decide how quickly things should happen, etc, so that should prove to be interesting. Anyway enough random chatter… on with the story!

 

Pt. 7:Weapon of Nothingness

“The nothingness could not be destroyed; it had to be filled with love. And Auryn is only a mirror of what is inside you.” The Child-like Princess from The Neverending Story II(half-paraphrased)

 

“Turn around, look at what you see. In her face, the mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere, living in your eyes. Written on the pages is the answer to our neverending story. Reach the stars, fly a fantasy. Dream a dream, and what you see will be. Friends that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds. And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story. Show no fear, for she may fade away. In your hand, the birth of a new day. Friends that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds. And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story.” The Neverending Story, sung by Limahl

 

 

In the stillness of night, a lonely hanyou sleeps fitfully since he had been drugged by Kaede. Her sleeping potion packs quite a powerful punch, yet due to the fact that Inuyasha is half-youkai, the effects do not last too long. Although he is usually tired enough to rest well, this night has been unusual. His sleep was filled with pictures, the kind that are so strange that you just know that no matter how hard you try, you'll immediately forget them when you awaken and only the ghostly feelings they created will remain.

 

Inuyasha's sleepiness begins to wane and therefore he is rolling from side to side while whimpering softly. Then, like a blinding crash of thunder, he wakes yelling, “No, K-.” His voice cracks and the thought moves back into the recesses of his mind, lost forever. Wide-eyed, he looks around and tries to figure out what happened. Seeing that no one is watching, he half-relaxes and shrugs. He twitches his sensitive ears to listen for any random outside activity. He hears only the hoot of an owl and the smaller animals disturbing the underbrush. He pouts and exasperatedly mutters his signature keh.

 

“Kaede-babaa, why couldn't you at least knock me out enough so I could sleep all night? You really enjoy torturing me, doncha, you old hag! Keh, at least during the day there are interesting sounds to entertain me.” And it is the world's job to entertain you, Inuyasha? Is that because you lack the capacity to keep your head full of intriguing thoughts, a voice in his head taunts.

 

“No, it is not, so shut up! I can think very well for myself… but if I think too much…” then the lonely confusion comes in, especially when I try not to feel at all. “Ahh sweet nothingness, how precious the thought!” But if nothingness is something to think about, then is it truly nothing? “Shut up! I go beyond such paradoxes! I live in them; I, within myself, am a paradox- both hanyou and human. When I am a true youkai, I will not have to deal with stupid feelings. But even so, if I say nothingness, then damn, I mean it!” There is great escape and pleasure in feeling nothing, isn't there? Don't you feel special or are you simply deluding yourself? “Stop interrupting me, bastard- stop arguing technicalities to me because that's a bitchy way of thinking!” Silence comes from the back of his mind.

 

“Ha! I won- I may think in peace!” The voice in his head softly laughs with him and so he narrows his eyes and makes a point to ignore this new development. He represses the urge to destroy as he puts his mind into gear. “Keh, what was I thinking about, anyway?” Then he looks down at his hand- within his claw he can see the mysterious letter. Outwardly, he seems to examine it impassively, but internally, his struggle rages, hot and molten just below the surface like an active volcano. He pulls himself up to sit against the wall. His memory drifts to his friends- then the magma boils still hotter.

 

“They are so incredibly nosey! What she said is my business, not theirs, not at all!” The voice comes in again and he sighs. But Inuyasha, it is their business- they are your friends and they care about you- they keep your secret and protect you. Besides, Kikyo hangs around and her actions do have an effect on them. He does not respond to this onslaught but turns the letter over in his claw a few times before carefully unwrapping it and holding it up to the light. The clear, but beautiful penmanship greets his eye.

 

 

Dear Inuyasha,

 

I had a waking dream- well it was actually a memory, one of our memories. Do you remember the times that we used to sit in the field together? I would eat a little lunch and offer some to you, that you characteristically refused. The old days- before Naraku came between us- I remember so much and yet still so little. So much has changed since those times. I died and then came back to this world. Yes, now I have returned, but I am still less than a ghost of the woman that I used to be. Sometimes I wish I could just go back and not be involved in the world of the living, but then I remember my mission and the feelings all combine to rage within my cold breast. Those feelings are not much, but they are enough to keep me in this state of living, if I want to define it as such… I am not sure how to define it.

 

You know what Inuyasha? You are different now- do you even recognize the changes in yourself? You were so cold, distant and distrusting, yet now you have good friends. They know your secrets and help you, despite the fact that you drive them crazy sometimes. You protect them and care about what happens to them. The Inuyasha I used to know could not do that. Look at what time and death have done to us… Still, even back then, I knew that you'd protect me if I was in danger. Now I wonder- was I simply foolish to trust you? After all, we both took a leap of faith out of love, but were we prepared? Our lack of foundation is what Naraku played upon, causing our respective downfalls- my death and your seal. Neither of us had a great capacity to trust from the beginning; we doubted each other a good bit. Does that make what happened partially our fault?

 

I do not know you very well now, if I ever did. That girl- you trust her. There is both tragedy and consolation in the fact that she is my reincarnation from another time. Yes I worked out the mystery of her origin; I'm not an idiot after all. You know that she does not belong here in the first place- so does she. That girl- Kagome, was it- belongs with her family and you, Inuyasha, belong to me. You willingly offered me your life in return for mine. Out of love, I agreed and so, we are one. We are what was, what is and what will be again. No matter what happens, I ask you to trust me as neither of us could do fifty years ago. Remember this: I love you.

 

Yours forever, Kikyo

 

 

Inuyasha remains silent for a moment and stares off into space, the continuum of his memories. Without realizing it, he folds the message and hides it in his clothes. There are times when words fail to come, no matter how many thoughts or feelings touch the upper consciousness- and within his torn heart, Inuyasha felt paralyzed, or hypnotized. Slowly he shakes his head, allowing his silvery mane to sway with his movements.

 

Then as he stares up at the ceiling, he mutters Kikyo's name. The richness of his voice wraps around itself around the word as the warmth of his hanyou body heats up his vocal cords with the vibration to caress her name. Had Kikyo heard his call, her spine would have tingled even in her state of pseudo-vitality. He takes a deep breath and sighs.

 

“Oh Kikyo, I just don't know. What am I supposed to say to that anyway? Do you expect me to know more than you do or something crazy like that? Of course I remember the old days, as you call them, but what does that have to do with anything? I know what I need to know- I need to kill Naraku with my own hands to avenge the wrong done to you, to us. I will always protect you, no matter what happens. I love you and nothing can change that.” He stops to sigh. “Was I young and foolish back then- maybe so, but if so, am I repeating the same mistakes over again? Miroku and the others know about the new moon and they protect me, but could someone play upon the weaknesses in our friendship and have us destroy each other, or are we stronger than that? Keh, this is why I should never have gotten involved with anyone at all, but where would I be if I had- what kind of life would I be leading?”

 

“Ah, keh, that's in the past and so it doesn't matter what I chose because I am here now. But why did Kikyo ask me to trust her? We have to destroy Naraku before anything else could happen. Am I really going to hell with her? I almost did that one time and in that moment, I was in some kind of trance and I felt no fear, which felt wonderful in a way.” He shivers for a moment, both out of pleasure and pain. “Then I heard Kagome scream and the spell was… wait, Kagome. Yes, Kagome from the future, the girl who along with her family always has the urge to pull my ears- do I really trust her? I feel comfortable around her and there are times when I just act strangely because of her. She's Kikyo's reincarnation and my first real friend, although it started off rather odd… especially after Kaede-babaa put these damned beads around my neck!” He picks up the prayer beads lightly and examines them with a scowl. “That damned wench and her osuwari! Grrr….”

 

“But she pulled the Tetsusaiga out of its place in father's tomb… and I know in my heart that she is special. I want her to be safe and happy; it amazes me that she stays around here as much as she does.” She cares about you Inuyasha and likes to be around you- remember when she said that there was something that she shared with Kikyo- that she wanted to see you again? Yes, she loves you, although she'll never admit it because it would hurt her too much. You are so dense, Inuyasha… and then you go nuts when anything is related to Kikyo. You just can't make up your mind and you really think that you treat them well. “Shut up- none of that could be true; I don't care about who Kagome loves and I made up my mind to go with Kikyo- I promised her after all. Kagome doesn't belong here just as Kikyo said; that girl belongs in her own time with her family.” But you love her… you act strangely around her; remember what happened this week? You weak jerk, you've been trying to keep it out of your head! “Why'd you have to bring that up?!?”

 

“I don't want to think about that, but my mind just keeps reliving it. How could I not considering?” He looks down at his wounds. “How could she do that to me? She must have hit her head really hard…or something, I hope. Here I was- I had saved her by bringing her to Kaede-babaa to be treated for whatever happened to her and she just wakes up acting… weird. Still, she seemed fine, so I teased her for breaking her promise by returning late. All she did in response was smile at me knowingly and taunt me about having missed her before turning gracefully on her heel and walking outside to say hello to the others. It felt as if she was playing a game with me, an off-beat game. I looked after her with not just a little bit of longing, grr, yes something like that. She seemed so distant and inaccessible; I wanted to take her challenge, but instead what did I do? I leapt off into the woods to a tree to think and try to forget, to no avail. When I got back, she was sitting by herself and so I snuck up behind her. She heard me and pivoted on the tree stump to look into my eyes before I could take her in my arms, well maybe not that, but before I could freak her out. She stood up, so close to me that I could feel the wind from her movement. She looked deeply into my eyes and blinked her beautiful eyes with a sly smile. Oh, she looked so beautiful at that moment- no other thoughts came through my mind. Then she tossed her hair and spoke, `So were you off somewhere trying to buy a clue to cure your ignorance?' My blood began to boil, but I could neither speak nor move. She softly brushed her hand against my face, patted my head and laughed mockingly. Then she left without another word. Ok, I admit it- she was driving me crazy! I could not stop thinking about her and wanting her… no, I didn't just say that. I did not want her…and if I just kept telling myself that then it would all go away with time.”

 

“That treatment continued for a few days and the others all knew about it- that's what close quarters do after all. If this was not torture enough, the others ran off to investigate a possible Shikon no Kakera. They didn't take Kagome because she had been acting strangely and I stayed behind to guard her, but that meant that we were pretty much alone. I don't know exactly what she was doing but I do know that she helped Kaede-babaa pick herbs for a little while and maybe learned how to make a few medicines. I slept in my tree for a while, just sniffing and listening to make sure everything seemed alright. After lunch, I sat in the shade of a tree and rested. I admit it- I was kinda bored, but at least Kagome wasn't driving me up the wall. I was just beginning to relax when she snuck up behind me and tugged on my ears pretty hard. Growling, I turned around to face my attacker.”

 

“Kagome just looked at me, totally unafraid. In fact, she reached up to tug them a little more. `I love pulling on your ears; they are so soft, like touching silk. Besides, you are so cute when you get a little annoyed.' She smirked. Damn that wench- how dare she mock my ears and invade my space! I am the one who sneaks up on people, not the other way around! So, I studied her. She was wearing the priestess robes again with her hair blowing in the breeze. I just stared at her wordlessly. `Oh do I look like Kikyo again, Inuyasha? Don't you remember- I'm Kagome. Wouldn't your dead lover prefer if you didn't look at her reincarnation like that? We wouldn't want anything to happen between us, but then again it might not be cheating because I am her in a way right?'”

 

“I opened my mouth to protest, but I couldn't speak. My voice was frozen and my mind was icing over slowly. She continued, `Oh why don't you tell me to leave and stay at home for good- or do you need me here for something- to get the Shikon no Tama, or maybe that's just an excuse? Ha, you are so dense!' Then she pressed her lips to mine. My eyes widened in surprise, but I found myself returning the impromptu kiss. I began to think about how warm she was, unlike Kikyo, whose lips did not feel warm, but somewhat cool. I asked myself why I was giving in to her.” You wanted her, Inuyasha; you love her- you clod! “Warmth traveled through my veins as I realized that I was at her mercy. I melted into her body and then felt her push me roughly to the ground.”

 

“Her cheeks were flushed as she looked down at me with a seductive, well… ok yes it was seductive, smile. She licked her lips and winked at me. I tried not to blush, but I did and then I tried to look away for a moment, but she put her hand out to keep my head in place, so that I could look into her eyes. She knelt down beside me and smiled sweetly before putting her lips to mine. I don't know how why but I was kissing her back; I stopped thinking. All I could think was her name, so I turned my head and whispered Kagome into her ear. She smiled quickly and then bit down on my ear, softly and then harder. Her bite actually hurt and drew blood, but I barely felt it. As I was in a trance, I hardly noticed that she started slashing at me. That's when the others came back from their search. They were shocked as they surveyed the scene; they set to immediate action, but tried to avoid hurting Kagome, who is their friend too of course. As for me, the adrenaline rush kept me from pain until they knock her out.”

 

“Since then, I cannot forget, while I am awake or while I am asleep what happened. I try to keep my mind away from it but I cannot. You see, in my dream, I think I kept being wrong about who was Kikyo and who was Kagome. Neither of them liked that idea very much- that is at least true in real life. I rarely dream about people I know so that makes this all feel weirder than it might otherwise. Besides, after they got angry at me, they both shot their purity arrows at me and as they hit home, I plunged into nothingness.” Inside, his heart aches with remembrance. “I must rest and hope for pleasant dreams. Dream well,” he said, tasting it upon his tongue yet again. “Yes I hope I will dream well, but actually I would rather not dream at all.” The night moves on without him as he tries not to think anymore. Finally sleep grants him rest as the stars twinkle with promises of dreamless repose for the night.

 

 

Review, review, review, please! Ok we all know how much it means to us when people review. I wish I could say one of those things where I refuse to put up the next chapter until I get a set amount of reviews and although I am sure it works for some people, I'm not going to do it. If even one person is entertained even a little, then I feel as if it was all worth it. Oh btw, here's a random poem that I wrote this summer. It is not related to IY but it felt right to put it here.

 

Nothingness v. Love

I open my heart to the void.

All my burning passion, irrational and liquid, tossed to the howling wind.

Look down- the swirling black hole- the abyss calls.

There is no equilibrium of pain- wrenching pain exists on both sides

Look around- the Echthroi are here- inserting doubt and reveling in the chaos of nothingness.

Sweetly promising Power, they bring only destruction, loneliness and more pain.

Can you feel the obliterated substance in their wake?

Still, nothingness cannot touch love.

After all, we know that nature abhors a vacuum.

Insignificant and weak though it may seem, love fills all.

There is strength in love- haven't we learned anything?

Within the basic nature of love is the tendency to create- will you destroy yourself?

Love isn't easy and it hurts- that's not a surprise to us.

My love creates you in my heart.

I lack proof and motive and yet you ask me to believe in you.

I am supposed to give everything and remain wholly myself?

It is possible, but not too much to ask.

You ask for more than you should too.

A/n- Echthroi, from Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time and A Wind in the Door- Echthroi are those that wish to annihilate everything, to destroy. They are great books even if they are technically kiddy lit, but so what? I am 21 and I am not afraid to admit that I like it- liking it does not in any way make me younger than I actually am!