InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Impurity of Selfishness ❯ Someone to Watch over Me ( Chapter 10 )

Hey yes- I'm back… amazing isn't it?

Thank you's-

*_Creativity_*- I don't know why you got left out a few chapters ago but I wanted to thank you for your kind encouragement. It really means a lot to me and I'm sorry it got left out for some odd reason.

Celyia- Thank you! I'm gonna go back and make sure that changes in perspective are slightly better marked. These past couple of chapters I uploaded the other day… the site was just not letting me put them up the way I had originally written them- actually it was supposed to be one chapter but I couldn't get the site to upload the whole thing- it kept cutting bits off so I made two chapters and redefined style and it finally got uploaded.

d- I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. ^_^

(Of course as ever) Angelstars and Classic Cowboy- Thank you, thank you, thank you! Here's another little chapter for you… and the others too… and Angelstars, there's a very short retribution at the end.

 

<prostrates self on the floor before all the reviewers> I'm not worthy; I'm not worthy!

 

Previously on Impurity of Selfishness:

Inuyasha picks Kagome up in his arms and carries her into Kaede's house. His lip twitches but he tries not to look down at the young woman that he cradles close to his heart. Gently, he puts her on top of her sleeping bag before retiring to the nearest corner to watch over her.

 

Pt 11- Someone to watch over me

“There's a saying old, says that love is blind. Still we're often told, "seek and ye shall find.” So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind. Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet. He's the big affair I cannot forget. Only man I ever think of with regret. I'd like to add his initial to my monogram. Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb? There's a somebody I'm longin' to see- I hope that he, turns out to be someone who'll watch over me. I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood- I know I could, always be good to one who'll watch over me. Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome to my heart he carries the key. Won't you tell him please to put on some speed, follow my lead, oh, how I need someone to watch over me.”- George Gershwin, Someone to Watch over Me (I like this song. <sigh> Did you really think I would use another quote other than this?)

 

Gracefully, Inuyasha lowers himself to the floor and sits down. Leaning against the wall, he watches his charge. A striking pain stabs him from the inside out as his eyes mentally hold the woman in his arms. Without realizing it, he stretches his arms out in her direction. When he discovers this, he pulls his shaking limbs in towards his chest. He sighs and looks at his hand, remembering the warm moments when he held her hand. Slowly, he closes his fingers to more fully grasp the memory. No warning comes to alert him, but his consciousness becomes fully consumed with thoughts… of Kagome. Trying desperately to think about something else, anything else, he stares into the low burning fire.

 

Kaede walks in and takes a look at Kagome. Muttering that there is no other treatment but to wait until she wakes up, she glances at Kagome's silent protector. The hanyou does not acknowledge her, nor does she force him to speak. She quickly, but purposefully, wraps the young girl in her sleeping bag. Kaede sighs briefly and shakes her head. Her mission finished, she nods at him and walks back outside.

 

Unable to control the direction of his mind, Inuyasha begins mentally bashing himself. What was I doing today? I was angry at Kagome for acting so strangely towards me, but funny, I could not get mad at her… after I saw her and looked into her eyes. Sheesh, I don't know what possessed me at that point. All I wanted… was to touch her and to know that she was real. No, it was more than that- I wanted her to know that I was real. He shakes his head with a keh. I should have flown into blind fury when she mocked me, but instead I knelt before her and held her hand? At that moment that our flesh connected, I felt… peace.

 

He shrugs his shoulders and has an urge to bang his head on the wall. Kikyo… I saw her and I did not break my connection with Kagome. I was not prepared to touch Kagome again, but I did… and I could not let go that easily. Kikyo came to see me and to give me a present… but all I could think about was Kagome?! A couple years ago, not too long after this issue first came up, I decided not to waver anymore. I made my decision, but here I am, hurting the people closest to me, again. How do they put up with me? They really shouldn't put up with me sometimes, but still they do and laugh it off just by saying that we are friends and that is enough to make everything alright.

 

Now I know that friends can forgive each other… and it is part of the trust. I could not trust in the first place but now I can easily forgive? In that moment, I forgave Kagome for everything that she did, despite not knowing why she did it. Surely I should feel something more- perhaps a tiny bit of fear that it might happen again, but even if it happens again, I'll forgive her.

 

Kagome's eyes were different than they were when she attacked me. Instead of being full of mocking, they were again full of calm innocence. Tonight, her eyes were not those of a woman who could hurt someone. More than that, she looked as if she did not remember any of it. Maybe she has amnesia and has forgotten what happened. He thinks more deeply about this. Wait a second- she did accuse Miroku and Sango of having memory lapses. Maybe she doesn't remember…

 

His heart drops. Wait, Inuyasha. She has not forgotten her boyfriend… her boyfriend- the guy that she loves? She has never mentioned him to me. His stomach turns and his heart aches in response. In his mind's eye, he sees a faceless Kisho holding Kagome in his protective arms and bending down to kiss her warm, sweet lips. Inuyasha shudders but the daydream continues. He imagines Kisho and Kagome going to that school of hers together and then eating dinner with Kagome's family. Instead of Souta looking up to Inuyasha, Kagome's younger brother plays games and falls all over Kisho. Looking at her true love, Kagome's eyes are filled with the light of pure joy. Inuyasha shifts his position and breaks out of his sad musings. She was so happy when she talked about him and I don't care enough about her to share her joy? This world of danger and war- this is not her world. She will return home, to her love, to her family- return to where she belongs. I… care about her and I want her to be happy. No, she could not possibly be happy leaving her family and Kisho behind with only the purpose of staying here with me, umm, of staying with us.

 

The darkness from outside the house matches the painful doubt in his mind and heart. Cold and empty, he longs to hold on to something, but there is nothing. The icy tentacles of shame close around his mind. I should be ashamed of myself. I have no claim on Kagome; I never have. Yet, I was holding onto her and wishing to share her warmth… He flinches… without renouncing my declared love for Kikyo. Meanwhile, Kagome has no feelings for me, but instead loves someone who suits her much better than I ever could! He quietly pounds his hand on the floor. At least, I can still hold on to my love for Kikyo- it is real; it exists, unlike a relationship with Kagome. Tonight I acted as if I was insane- I hope Kagome can forgive me. Suddenly feeling brave enough to look at her, Inuyasha turns his head and realizes that she has not moved at all. After glancing at his hand again, he realizes that the other one from whom he needs forgiveness is Kikyo.

 

I could not save Kikyo fifty years ago because of my own selfishness and doubt. I blame Naraku- and I should because he tricked us- but the ending might have been different if I could have trusted her. When she was revived, Kikyo had a right to feel anger towards me even if she had known the truth about Naraku. If I had acted differently, she might not be as different, as dark and lost as she is now. His heart cries silent tears that burn in his chest. I hurt the ones that I love the most; maybe I should not love at all… that would be better for everyone. Regardless, I allowed Kikyo to get involved in my life and I know now that there really is no road backwards. Her soul cuts deeply into me with love; we are bound by love… and I indirectly destroyed her. I owe her my life for that betrayal, ignorant though I was or not. I am obligated to protect Kikyo and... I want to- I guess. I do love her and so that is worth it- even hell is worth it- I must keep my agreement.

 

Now, I must protect Kagome as well as Kikyo- protect Kagome from myself and from Kikyo, but how? His brain jumps into a higher gear as he tries to remember that day when Kikyo stole the large jewel from around Kagome's neck. Did Kikyo really try to kill Kagome? If I hadn't appeared… I do not want to think about it. Kikyo admitted it; it must be true. How should I react? He thinks for a moment and has an epiphany. By keeping my promise to Kikyo, I can indirectly protect Kagome. I can keep my word to Kikyo and keep Kikyo from hurting Kagome! Oh I am glad that I can keep my promise now that there isn't a problem... and I'm admitting that Kagome was a problem in my relationship with Kikyo? His brow furrows in thought. That's right, but if Kagome is Kikyo's reincarnation- what if I mess up Kagome's life too? Would she also be condemned to a similarly depressing existence- whether that is trying to drag me into hell or maybe even something worse? What could be worse- oh let's not go there.

 

No, I don't want that to happen to Kagome too. That is why I should be rejoicing with Kagome instead of feeling the way I do. Green jealousy taints his vision and his eyes open wide in recognition. I am jealous, as I was when Kouga called Kagome his woman, but this feels much worse. He frowns and fidgets, returning to his examination of the fire. Oh Kagome, was it like this for you when you saw Kikyo and I together, when you saw her kiss me? She does not care about me that way, so it couldn't have that affect on her. Instead, she might have felt embarrassed… and that's what it must have been and I had the audacity to think it was her jealousy, her love for me. Oh I am so conceited to assume such ridiculous things! Did I really want her to love me? If I did… but I definitely didn't… oh but if I did want her to love me, I shouldn't have.

 

A gentle knock brings him outside of himself. Without a sound, Miroku beckons for him to join the rest of the group in the open air. Inuyasha throws one last lingering and protective glance at Kagome before he nods and surrenders his watch with obvious reluctance. He closes the flap between them so that Kagome cannot hear them. As he sees the looks on his friends' faces, he feels slightly annoyed.

 

Miroku puts his hand on Inuyasha's shoulder and sighs. “Inuyasha, I'm sorry that I had to call you away from Kagome-sama's side, but we all need to talk- about the Shikon no Kakera that we heard about tonight. We should go get it, but the question is: should we take Kagome-sama with us?”

 

Sango takes a small step closer to the hanyou and speaks with an apologetic undertone in her voice. “Inuyasha, we're sorry that we didn't tell you, but…”

 

Inuyasha rages and interrupts Sango. “Tell me what, bitch? You didn't tell me that Kagome has a boyfriend and that you were all keeping it from me for over a year?” He mockingly mimics Sango's voice by heightening the pitch of his voice. “No offense, Inuyasha but she didn't mind everyone else knowing about someone that important to her…” His voice returns to normal. “Everyone except me...” His ears droop and his eyes lightly flash a tiny bit of vulnerability, a feeling that was not unnoticed by his observant friends.

 

Sango narrows her eyes but then sighs with a shake of her head, which sends her hair flying behind her. “You really are irritable about all this, aren't you? I'd appreciate if you'd let me finish what I was going to say. She has amnesia- selective amnesia actually and doesn't remember anything that happened earlier this week after she came back from her time. Also, we have never heard of this boyfriend, this Kisho before either so don't blame us. Besides, you shouldn't care anyway because you chose Kikyo!”

 

Miroku pats Sango's shoulder with a smile. “Yes, she's right. But apart from all that, what do we do? Kagome-sama can see the Shikon no Kakera- none of the rest of us can. She seems fine even if she has forgotten what happened… and maybe forgetting is all for the best. Regardless, we discussed it while you were watching over Kagome-sama and we want to bring her with us to find the shard.”

 

Inuyasha sighs and Sango continues Miroku's explanation. “After she wakes up, we're just as safe whether we bring her or not, because we're going to come back to her. If she's going to go nuts, she's going to do it no matter where she is and we could use her abilities. It seems unlikely that she'll lose her mind because now she seems fine and normal, except for the boyfriend addition.”

 

“Keh, that's fine with me. We need to go get the thing before Naraku does find out about it. I just hope that she's feeling better in the morning so we can go.”

 

Sango nods. “Yes, we all want Kagome-chan to feel better, Inuyasha.”

 

He nods in response and takes this as his time to return to Kagome's side. They give him sad smiles as they head off to bed. Lost in thought, Inuyasha returns to his seat in the corner. Amnesia- she doesn't remember any of it. It's a good thing that I wasn't mad at her. Still, it makes her more dangerous than if she were completely insane all the time- we'll never know for sure which Kagome she is until she acts. There's no way to protect ourselves. We have to protect ourselves from sweet, innocent Kagome? Sheesh…

 

Kagome sighs in her sleep and slightly shifts her position. I want to help her, but… I really don't know how. He attempts to stifle a yawn as the fire crackles lower and lower. With a half-smile at Kagome, he muses. Yes, Kagome. I'm tired too, but I'm here to protect you… even as everything rests. Through his fatigue, Inuyasha itches to hold Kagome in his arms. Suddenly blushing as red as his outfit, he forcibly pushes away that thought. Is it always going to be this hard to be near to her now knowing that she loves someone else? A very tired voice in the back of his mind whispers… it shouldn't matter to you if she does. You love Kikyo; how can this truly be so difficult? He sighs in answer. I don't know… I don't know anything.

 

His eyelids begin to close of their own accord. At the brink of his conscious mind, he imagines his relationship with Kagome from this point on. Yes, I must protect her and watch over her, but I can't let her know… I must stay away from her. She will be happier that way; that is the way it must be. She doesn't want me. He frowns sleepily… I do care- that is why. I want to be close to her, so close that the word close cannot fully depict what I have in mind. Then, again, what do those feelings mean? That doesn't make sense… all I really know is that I cannot be open to her anymore. I'll protect her and be there for her and yet, I will somehow keep my sanity and my distance. Please understand Kagome. I'll be near to you and at the same time as far away as the dimmest star in the heavens. I hope that you will forgive me… He falls asleep in the corner, but even there in his dreams, he cannot escape his mixed feelings.

 

 

Ok no dream to be written this time around… there's a surprise I know. I love using the dream idea but I don't want to overuse it! No worries because there will be a dream in pt. 13. I know this chapter was not as long and that it was only more of Inuyasha's thoughts, but I felt that his behavior needed explanation. I'm not completely evil- of course Inuyasha's not going to be able to stay away from Kagome! His wishful thinking is commendable. Anyway, next chapter is going to be about the trip to get the Shikon no Kakera.

 

Side show: more retribution

 

Kagome sighs, “Here I am all passed out on the floor again. Why does everyone assume that I am always getting sick- you know all about my adventures in the Sengoku Jidai- you aren't just one of my classmates who believes ridiculous things like `Oh Kagome has rheumatism again…'! How can you write me being quite so frail?” A nerve in Kagome's head begins to pop.

 

BeyondWords sweatdrops. “There's a reason; I promise. You just won't know for sure until closer to the end.” Meekly holds up some Advil(don't own that either) and offers a couple. “Would you like some?” Kagome nods and inhales the red tablets. “Ok, so I'm here to get more grief from you.” BeyondWords sighs. “I'm ready- shoot.”

 

“Oh I might if I had a gun- oh just kidding. Ok, you were supposedly writing this from my perspective and now you are writing more about Inuyasha? What's up with that?”

 

“Well, I guess I wanted some balance and since you have amnesia, I wanted to be able to show your changes more through your actions than through pure introspection. Instead of thinking to yourself while being completely alone, I am planning to have you be interacting with everyone to induce certain thoughts to carry along the story line. Also, this story is centered around both of you- I need his thoughts too.” BeyondWords nods and straightens. “So is that all?”

 

“Well, umm, no. You are continuing writing those superfluous words. You have freaking loooong author's notes and quotes at the beginning… do you know the meaning of concise?”

 

“As a matter of fact, I do. I just want to explain and tell people a little more about the chapter and coming chapter. As for the quotes, they usually try to capture part of the feel of the chapter to help people get into the mood before they read.” Hmm that sounds better than I thought…

 

“Yeah but it's like commercials. They cut out 5-10 minutes out of pleasurable watching time and even worse than that, they are always louder than the show!”

 

“People do not have to read them. I mark a difference and so if people would rather not read the additions, then they just don't. I at least put a way around them. There is no way around commercials because they are right in the middle of the action!” BeyondWords smiles smugly. “But if you really want to keep the amount of superfluous words down, you don't have to bash my story and argue with me…”

 

She blushes scarlet. “Oh I guess that you're right.”

 

BeyondWords smiles gently. “But you're right too… I'm just being a pain.” They smile at each other and quietly laugh.

 

 

That's it for that, so please read and review. Part 12 coming soon… tentatively titled, “Light in the Darkness: trip for the shard”