InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ In the Heat of Passion ❯ Chapter 15: Hopes and Dreams ( Chapter 15 )

Chapter 15

“Inuyasha, stop!”

`What was that?' Inuyasha thought to himself. `Who screamed for me to stop?' He was walking through a forest…an all too familiar forest. He ran towards the noises he heard and came to a stop at a horrific scene. It looked as if a demon was attacking a girl. He ran towards them to help the victim, but realized as he approached that it was much worse than he thought…she was being raped! He rushed towards the defenseless girl's side and swiped angrily at her attacker.

`Get off her you sick bastard!' Inuyasha shouted as his claw traveled straight through the attacker as if he were a ghost. `Wha?' Inuyasha thought, staring at his hand. `My hand…it…it went right through him. I can't touch him. What's going on?'

Then, he looked down at the attacker to stare himself in the face. Inuyasha gasped and stumbled backward. The Inuyasha attacking the girl was in full demon form, eyes blood red and his fangs, and claws longer and sharper. He stood in place horrified. `This can't be…NO!' he thought. He was reliving the moment in his mind. Was it a dream? He dare not look, but he couldn't resist. His eyes moved towards the victim to find…Kagome. `No!' he thought. `I don't want to see this! I can't see this!'

He watched himself dig his claws into Kagome's shoulders as she screamed out in pain, “Ow! Inuyasha, that hurts! Ow!” She looked terrified. She looked absolutely terrified. Inuyasha couldn't take it. He slashed at himself over and over again trying to get his full demon self off of her, but to no avail. His claws merely swept right through him as if he were swinging at air. Tears began to flow down his cheeks as he watched himself do the unthinkable to Kagome. When he saw himself thrust inside her without remorse, his claws digging deeper into her shoulders, and watched Kagome's tears streamed down her face, lying mostly motionless at this point, he howled as loud as he could until he saw a flash of yellow and felt something hard strike his head. Then all went black.

“Inuyasha!” he heard someone shout as he awoke with a start. He looked up to see Sango staring him in the face. He looked around. Kagome still lay motionless on the futon, and a worried Sango on her knees staring at him with a horrific look of concern on her face.

“Inuyasha, what on earth…” she began.

“I saw it!” he blurted out, panting breathlessly. “I saw everything…what I did…how I…oh God!” Inuyasha grabbed the nearby wastebasket and began vomiting. Sango gasped at the sight. Miroku came rushing through the door.

“What is going on in here…oh God, Inuyasha!” he said as he saw his hanyou friend with his face buried in a wastebasket. “What happened?”

“He said…” Sango began, stuttering somewhat in disbelief. “He said…he said he saw everything. I'm assuming he means from `that night'.” A look of shock spread over Miroku's face as they watched Inuyasha sit back up. He was panting. His eyes were wide with terror. They had never seen Inuyasha even the slightest bit fearful, but whatever he saw had shocked and horrified him.

“Inuyasha…are…are you okay?” Sango said slowly. He didn't even look up at her, his eyes remaining wide, his breath uneven.

“I…I…don't…I don't deserve to be here,” Inuyasha said still staring at nothing. Sango glanced helplessly at Miroku.

“What do you mean, Inuyasha?” Miroku asked calmly, hoping to pry information out of him about what he saw.

“I…I…I'm a terrible person,” he began in a panicky voice. “She was there…just lying there…just crying…and…screaming…and pleading for me to stop. But I…I…I wasn't myself. I didn't stop…I couldn't stop. It was almost as if I had gone deaf. Oh…oh…how could I? How could I have not stopped myself?! I don't…I don't deserve her! The way I…I…I…and my claws…the way I dug my claws into her skin…so selfishly concerned with…with…” He leaned back into the wastebasket and vomited again. Tears had started to stream down Sango's face. Miroku stood there appalled by what he just heard as he too thought he was going to be sick to his stomach. He glanced down at Kagome who still lay motionless on the futon. He looked at Sango. She seemed to be doing her best to maintain some form of composure. Inuyasha lifted his head from the wastebasket and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

“I…I should go now,” he said absent-mindedly, bringing himself to his feet. “This time…this time…I won't return.” Sango gasped.

“What do you mean you won't return?!” Miroku demanded. “What do you plan on doing?!”

Inuyasha walked by as if Miroku hadn't said anything. Sango looked desperately from Inuyasha to Miroku, not really sure what to say. Inuyasha had just witnessed everything that had happened to poor Kagome. How could she honestly tell him that everything was going to be okay with a memory like that fresh on his mind?

“Inuyasha!” Miroku said sternly, causing Inuyasha to stop in his tracks. “What about what Kagome wants? We all know that you couldn't control yourself, that you didn't do it on purpose. You guys have come too far for you to give up now. Your vision doesn't change anything or make the situation any worse. If anything, you can use this as an opportunity to move forward. Now, you know exactly what transpired that night. Now, you can relate to Kagome.” Inuyasha glanced at Miroku over his shoulder and took a deep sigh.

“But…but…I don't deserve her forgiveness, Miroku,” Inuyasha said sadly. “I don't deserve to have to have someone like Kagome give me another chance…not after what I did.”

“But what we are saying,” Sango said getting to her feet, “is that you already knew all of this before. It doesn't change anything. It's not like you violated Kagome twice because you had a vision and finally saw everything that happened that night.” He sighed. He couldn't argue with them. He knew they were right, but still…still…the memory of what happened…that appalling image of exactly what he had done to Kagome was enough to make him run himself through with his own sword.

“I…I…I guess…I guess you guys are right,” he said with no emotion. “I will leave the decision up to Kagome. But hear me out on this,” he said taking a more serious tone and turning to stare Sango and Miroku directly in the face, “the minute she tells me to leave her life for good, just one time, there will be no arguments from the two of you.” Sango and Miroku glanced at each other. They knew Kagome could easily do that at any time. This was such a sensitive situation that Kagome could blow up at Inuyasha for no apparent reason and he would fly off, never to return again. Still, if they didn't promise, he would walk out right now.

“Deal,” Sango and Miroku said together, nodding. Inuyasha released the breath he had been holding and took his original position near Kagome. Sango and Miroku glanced sympathetically at Inuyasha, but said nothing as they exited the room. Inuyasha hardly noticed them leaving. His thoughts were too preoccupied with what he just witnessed in his dream. `Is that really how it happened?' he thought to himself. `Oh Kagome…I…I'm…so sorry!' He scooted closer to her to stare at her face. The light coming in the window behind him graced her beautiful features exquisitely. Before he knew what he was doing, he was leaning down toward her. He gently kissed her forehead, then sat back to stare at her again, a little shocked at his own actions. He watched as her eyelids began to flutter slightly. `She's waking up,' he thought. He leaned back against the wall casually, so as not to make her think he was some sick pervert, taking advantage of her while she was asleep.

Kagome's eyes slowly opened. She blinked her eyes several times as her vision slowly began to focus. She stared at the ceiling. `Where am I?' she thought, glancing briefly around the room, not noticing the hanyou sitting next to her. `Oh, this is Kaede's hut, but…but what happened back there with Inuyasha...INUYASHA!' Was he hurt? Did he make it out okay? Where was he? She bolted upright about to get to her feet when a voice stopped her.

“You shouldn't be sitting up like that. You received a pretty nasty blow.” Kagome turned to see the owner of the voice leaning against the wall next her. Inuyasha had one arm propped on his knee. He smiled slightly at her when she looked his way. She smiled briefly back then broke eye contact, looking the other way sheepishly. Inuyasha's heart sank. Could she really not look at him? He sighed and stood.

“It's good to know you're okay,” he said as Kagome looked up at him. “I'll be going now.”

He started walking towards the door when Kagome called out, “No! Wait!” Inuyasha stopped in his tracks and turned to look at her. Kagome blushed furiously. After all this, she still felt oddly safe with him near her. She began fiddling with her fingers nervously. “I…I…don't…don't want you to go.” Inuyasha's heart skipped a beat. Was she serious? Could she really be serious?

“Are…are you sure?” he asked hesitantly. Kagome nodded, but didn't look at him. He took a deep breath then sat back down next to her. Neither of them said anything at first. Then, Kagome broke the silence.

“Wha…What happened?” Kagome asked, not looking up at him.

“Huh?” he said, startled by the break in silence. “Oh! Well, uh, you know…the usual…I kaze no kizued him into oblivion after he hurt you.” Inuyasha gulped. He hadn't meant to say that last part out loud. Kagome blushed.

“Oh,” she replied.

“Of course, you wouldn't have gotten hurt if you hadn't been so stupid,” he retorted. Kagome's blush left her face and blood began to boil.

“What?!” she said, balling her fists at her side. “How…how could you even…after everything that's happened…”

“Well you are stupid! Stupid for jumping in and trying to save me like that! You could have really been hurt!” he said defensively. Kagome's anger calmed. She looked at him somewhat shocked by what he just said. “Why did you do it?”

“Huh?” she replied, the question catching her a little off guard.

“I said why did you do it?” Inuyasha repeated. Kagome looked down at her hands. She really didn't know why. She had been trying to avoid him this whole time and then all of a sudden risked her life to save his.

“I…uh…well, that is…I…,” she said nervously, not quite sure how to answer the question. “I sort of just…reacted. When I saw you pinned down like that, I…I couldn't just stand by and do nothing, could I?” Inuyasha blushed, then frowned.

“That demon could have killed you,” he said in a scolding manner.

“Look, I don't need you being all over protective on me,” she said placing her hands on her hips. “I've understood the risks from day one of hanging around you, and I've accepted them.” Kagome blushed again. She hadn't meant to say that, but when she did, she realized she may have just enlightened herself. She had accepted the dangers associated with being around Inuyasha, including the ones that came directly from Inuyasha himself…like when he transformed into full demon, losing his mind and all control of himself. Control. That's what got them into this mess. Inuyasha had lost control of his actions because he was in his full demon form…but…but in the past, Inuyasha had never hurt her or the others. Even though they knew it could have happened, it never did, and she certainly wouldn't have guessed it would have come in the form it did. Still though, back then…she had accepted the risks.

“Thank you,” Inuyasha said, interrupting Kagome's thoughts.

“Hmm?” she replied.

“I said thank you,” he said again. “Thank you for trying to save my life. I…I didn't deserve it.” Kagome's eyes grew wide with shock. How could he say something like that?

“Well, I only owe you about a thousand more,” she said with a laugh. Inuyasha laughed slightly too. She was right. He had saved her life countless times…but it didn't make up for what he had just done to her. What he had done was unacceptable…inexcusable.

“Kagome,” Inuyasha began, but when Kagome looked up at him, he became entranced. He lost his train of thought. He just stared her…a loss for words.

“Y-Yes?” she said looking away nervously. Inuyasha shook himself from his trance.

“Kagome, I'm gonna go out on a limb here,” he said not looking at her. She gulped. She had a feeling she knew what was coming.

“Okaaaaay,” she said slowly, but gasped when he seized her hand and stared intently into her eyes. She now was the one entranced. His amber eyes stared softly, kindly, even lovingly into her own, yet…yet there was a definite sense of sadness and desperation in them.

“Kagome, I…I'm so sorry about what happened,” he began. She jerked her hand away.

“No! Don't!” she said, turning her back to him as tears welled up in her eyes. He grabbed her and turned her around. His heart sank at the sight of her tears, but he pressed on.

“I have to Kagome,” he said earnestly. “I don't know when I'll have another chance! Will you please hear me out? Just for a few moments? Then, you can turn your back on me and never speak to me again if you like, but please hear me out this once?” Kagome looked up at him. His eyes, so desperate…so sad, pleaded with her, begged her to listen. She couldn't help herself.

“Okay,” she said. His face brightened, but then grew somber again as he began to speak.

“Kagome,” he began, his voice trembling and cracking. “I'm so…so sorry Kagome. I know words…no, screw words…actions won't be able to make up for what I have done. You've been so patient with me all this time and is this how I repay you? By doing that awful, terrible thing?! Kagome if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me...no, I don't even know if I deserve your forgiveness, Kagome.”

Kagome took notice of his hands as he spoke. His hands would reach out to her, but wouldn't touch her. It was almost as if he wanted to touch her, but was afraid to, afraid he might hurt her or offend her. Kagome's heart softened for the hanyou in front of her and she let down her defenses. Tears were in his eyes and his body language pleaded with her. She smiled softly at him. She had never seen him act so…so…desperate.

“Kagome, I pledged to protect you…to keep you safe at all times…and…and I couldn't even protect you from myself,” he said sadly, looking away from her. “All I am asking for at this point is a friendship, even though I don't deserve that from you. You were my best friend, Kagome. I…I…don't want to lose you.”

Kagome was dumbfounded. Her heart went out to him, but what should she do? She did the only thing that felt right. She didn't say anything. She just slid her arms underneath his and buried her face in his chest. Inuyasha was so shocked by this move that he held his arms out to his side for a moment before wrapping them around her. He rested his cheek atop her head and breathed in her scent. Kagome lost herself in the moment. She had wanted this the whole time. It was the main reason she had even tolerated Kouga's advances. She just needed to be held, to have someone tell her…

“Everything's going to be okay, Kagome,” Inuyasha said softly. “I promise. I will never let anything hurt you…especially me. I am going to sit down with Myouga and make sure there is nothing else I need to know to protect you…from myself. Please forgive me, Kagome.”

 

Kagome released herself from their hug and looked up at him. He was so loving, kind, and gentle…a side of Inuyasha she had rarely seen. She knew he hadn't meant to do what he did, but still…it was going to take some time to get over what happened. Her virginity had been stolen…by the one she cared most for in the entire world…even loved. A hurt like that doesn't go away in a few days.

“Give it some time, Inuyasha,” Kagome said softly. “I now know you didn't mean to do what you did, but try to understand that regardless, it still happened. It will take some time to get over. I know you would never intentionally hurt me.”

Inuyasha's ears perked up. So, there was hope.