InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Kagome's Diary ❯ Speaking to Inuyasha and Misunderstandings that Suck ( Chapter 10 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: cheesylovesong23 
Kagome compares herself to Kikyo and compares their positions in Inuyasha's life. Meanwhile...HE'S RETURNED AND IS TALKING TO HER? If that's not the worst on Kagome's mind it's the follow up. Because assumptions can be deadly. As can fear. Why is there one of the longest awkward silences EVER in this chapter? And what is the ultimate price Kagome will pay for her cowardice?
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 01.03.2006 | Updated On: 04.27.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 616 | Status: Work In Progress
Kagome compares herself to Kikyo and compares their positions in Inuyasha's life. Meanwhile...HE'S RETURNED AND IS TALKING TO HER? If that's not the worst on Kagome's mind it's the follow up. Because assumptions can be deadly. As can fear. Why is there one of the longest awkward silences EVER in this chapter? And what is the ultimate price Kagome will pay for her cowardice?
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 01.03.2006 | Updated On: 04.27.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 616 | Status: Work In Progress
I just stopped writing a little while because I thought Inuyasha was coming back. But I'm pretty sure whatever he's doing is keeping him for a long while. The sun looks like it's going to rise really soon. Before, when Inuyasha fell asleep for a while, he looked so content...like nothing could bother him. I've never seen myself asleep, of course, but I'm pretty sure I don't look like that. He doesn't usually either...I think he just doesn't let his guard down enough. He always has to be alert and ready just in case something goes wrong. Of course, though he looked so deep in sleep, he really wasn't, all I did was move and he woke up. He doesn't let himself fall too deep even if he looks content when he's asleep...he's always prepared to wake up.
In fact, though it's sort of weird, the only time I've seen him happily asleep is in my own bed. I remember before when we came to my time, right after Naraku escaped into an untraceable place, he fell asleep without meaning to on my bed. I wasn't in it that time, but he seemed so blissful then. As if it was the first real rest he'd ever gotten. He probably hadn't slept in a bed for a long time. Most of the time in the Feudal Era he sleeps sitting up...I don't know how he does it! I could never sleep like that! A lot of times he'll be up in a tree. He likes to be up in trees to. Maybe he's trying to look out for something. Or maybe it's a way to distance himself. Before, right when I met him it seemed like he had this obsession with distancing himself from people, because he was so afraid that if he got too close he'd be treated like he always was. With rejection. He always insulted me, and never trusted me; he thought I was Kikyo at first, because I supposedly look so much like her. (I don't really see the resemblance)
Really, I think she looks prettier than me, but I don't like to think it most of the time. She looks older but not really in an aged way...just a sort of wizened way. The weirdest thing is because I'm her reincarnation we're supposed to be boatloads alike, but we're not AT ALL. She's kind of...an opposite of me, or maybe I'm an opposite of her, I don't know. She likes to have a detachment from everything; the only time I feel like I'm any good is if I'm attached to everything. She gets a smirk on her face when she leaves Inuyasha, but every time I leave him I don’t' feel like smiling at all, because I don't feel like I’ve said anything I've wanted to him. Besides, at home, when he's not here, I get caught up in school and all of that, and in that whirlwind something feels empty. Before what was satisfying just isn't anymore.
I guess the reason why I wrote a few mean things about Kikyo was because I'm jealous of her. Really, she has Inuyasha in the palm of her hand. Anything she's ask him...he'd do it in a heartbeat. I can't even get him to do a huge number of things without that stupid prayer bead necklace. It's sort of something you can see in his face when she comes around. As if, suddenly, his whole world is just her, and that's all. The emperor of Japan wants to talk to him when he sees Kikyo? Oh, he'll have to schedule an appointment with the part of Inuyasha's brain that’s turned off when Kikyo floats down on her soul skimmers, like wherever she comes from all the people are a hundred times better than they are down here. But then again, I guess I just get bitter because I can't stand that look on his face when she comes around. That look is only for her. I could never cause it. No one else could either.
I read that just because you're jealous doesn't mean that you're in love. It just means you insecure. I AM insecure. Heck, Inuyasha has proclaimed his love for Kikyo more than once. Held her, begged her not to go, dropped everything just to go find her. I don't know how I can compete with that. The thing is, even if Inuyasha said he loved me, there's this annoying part of me that might make me choke instead of saying I love you too. It's this insane, unimaginable part that says that I shouldn't let him forget Kikyo just because he's getting caught up in the moment, because despite what he's saying now, deep down he is all for her. He can't help it; he was for her, bound to her in a way I could never be bound.
Basically, it would be like helping him have an affair or something. He's just being lead astray...from something that deep down he will always come back to...
I really don't want to think that though. That is the single worst thing imaginable.
I guess what I'd rather think is that Kikyo wasn't the right woman for him, so then I came along.
I came along after Kikyo killed him and I resurrected him.
I came along after Kikyo destroyed his ability to trust and I restored it.
I came along after Kikyo failed to soften his heart and I softened it.
I came along after Kikyo wanted him to change and I wanted him to be himself.
But then again, that sort of seems like a nice little fantasy doesn't it? So braggy too. I couldn't have done all those things. Sure, maybe they were done, but I didn't do them alone. Along with our friends did we cause Inuyasha to trust again and we all accepted him, didn't we? Plus, I only resurrected him after he told me to...he sort of did half of it on his own...
-------------------------------------
DOES IT EVER END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? TELL ME THAT!!!
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CAN'T DO THIS!!!
But I can't hide this time. I can't even run!!!!!!!!! AND NOW HE'S JUST STARING AT ME LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF FREAK!!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!! I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! I JUST FREAK OUT AND I'M JUST LEFT TO NEARLY ANNIHILATE MY POOR DIARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't faced him (not really) EVER SINCE--THE--UNFORTUNATE EVENT!!
And now that seems minimal in the scheme of things...I don't even want to think about all the things that make this moment so devastating.
"I see you're up." That's all he said to let me know he's been watching me write for god knows how long from my doorway, and I looked up and noticed he was there, FINALLY. All I was able to do was stare at him, because really, I didn't want to believe he was there. I wanted to believe I had gone insane and was hallucinating. That was the only reality I could face. After about an eternity of staring and my mouth hanging open, I felt my face sting (blushing--goes without saying) and then write like a maniac in my journal. My eyes just fixed on it, because I can’t look up. If I do, I'll die. Right there on the spot. I know I've said it before, but this time I'm sure of it.
"What are you writing, you've been asleep, what's there to write about?" He sort of has a good point, but then again I wasn't asleep a majority of the time because...oh...I don't know...it's sort of hard sleeping when A NEAR NAKED GUY IS IN BED WITH YOU but, I digress... "Are you even talking to me?" OH GREAT NOW HE'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE HE'S DONE SOMETHING--WHY DO THEY ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IT'S THEIR FAULT??!!!!!! WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST ASSUME I'M JUST A FREAK AND THEY'RE JUST FINE?? ???? ???
Oh god I looked up at him.
I can't look away, and I'm writing without looking at the paper.
Glanced down and it's way crooked.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
OH DEAR LORD whatIS the hanyou doing?!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY ARE YOU SITTING NEXT TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SITTING NEXT TO ME? WHHHHHHHYYYYY?!
"Are you alright?" Well, I managed a nod. Good for me, seriously, this is a victory. If I were a normal person I'd kick myself, because obviously that was pathetic, but for Kagome Higurashi, that was very impressive. Instead of some stupid scared shriek or just looking back to my journal, I actually did something not entirely bizarro. "Your fever...is it...?" Oh...well...I can't really do anything now, so I'm not mad at myself or anything, I mean, what do you expect? Just the thought of fevers in general is enough to make me fall to pieces.
Besides...I want him to touch my face...OH NO I DON'T--I CAN'T THINK THAT OR MY FACE WILL GET ALL RED!!!
Oh boy...well, at least this time, probably because he knows I’m awake, he just put his hand on my forehead and didn't actually...stroke my face...or anything...I get all weird when I think about it. My body feels all quivery and...strange--I'm such a weirdo.
He's BLUSHING--IT'S--IT'S--IT'S BECAUSE--
Oh wait, huh, duh, I'm still in my underwear....
I'M STILL IN MY UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You might want to get dressed..."
OHMIGOD, YOU WILL NOT FUCKING OH MY--GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH--YOUWILLNOTUNDERANY CIRCUMSTANCE BELIEVE THIS!!!
I actually screamed. Fully screamed.
Not when Inuyasha said that, of course, I just ran then, but right when I got out of my room, guess what was waiting for me?
Oh, you know, just EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I guess everyone now knows that I have a set of pink lacy underwear. I guess stupid and ew-ew-ew-ew-ick-ick-ick-ick-ick-ICKY!!! oh stupid Hojo and stupid--EW--this is so--OH THIS IS SO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!
STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! "I'M THROWING THIS!!"
I won't throw, you diary, it was just a threat, I mean gross Hojo and Roga ARE TOTALLY STARING WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR PROBLEM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait...they're not staring at me....it's what's....
...behind me...??? Inuyasha?? But...what are they gay or something? You'd think they'd be staring at me-- (not big ego, but the creeps do like me--not that that's something to be proud of) and yet, here they are, staring at Inuyasha. I mean, my friends I understand--
OMIGOD THEY ARE STARING AT INUYASHA--I'LL KILL 'EM!!!!!!!
Well...now they're staring at us both as a group--well not group--there's two of us so--I guess a twosome--or couple or...
Wait.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SO---
WRONG.
No, no, no, no, NO THEY WOULDN'T--
THEY THINK WE---WE--
OF ALL THE THINGS TO HAPPEN---WHY DO THE WORST ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????? ??????
Oh no.
OH NO.
EVEN YUKA ISN'T SAYING ANYTHING--THAT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SIGN!
I think I'm going to puke. I can't take this now.
Well except the looks on Hojo and Roga's faces, I mean those they're just--
Oh. My. God. SOOOO not the time to fricking LAUGH!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
THIS SILENCE IS DEATH-DEFYING--NO THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS BECAUSE I SHOULD BE DEAD---I SHOULD HAVE DIED FROM A HEART ATTACK--REALLY THIS WHOLE THING---
Even Inuyasha can't say anything. No one can. You'd think he'd beat the crap out of them, then they'd...they'd...
Okay, I can't think of any way of setting them STRAIGHT WHAT AM--WHAT ARE WE--
Well, you know, Roga and Hojo now are probably totally discouraged. They think me and Inuyasha...that we...
OH THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Nice underwear."
Thanks butter ninja weirdo. Thanks.
I know he said it to break the silence and all.
But, god.
DID HE HAVE TO?
Because no one's talking.
Still.
Despite the almighty butter ninja's attempts.
You know what, I should have foreseen this. I SO should have foreseen this. Bad things ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I FORESEE THIS????????
Wait...was the butter ninja talking to me....
...or Inuyasha???
Yes, the bind is that bad, I'm afraid...I just wish someone would say something, because I sure can't. Hojo and Roga won't because their worst nightmare has come true--or at least they think it has. They think me and Inuyasha...that we...we...that...
AW MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom can't talk--well she's already insane--so whatever--and grandpa is stunned that his only grandchild has--at least in his mind--been deflowered--and here all these people know. You know this would so be funny if it WASN'T ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As selfish as it sounds--well maybe not--I mean if it was Hojo or Roga with someone that would just be gross, but if I heard about this happening to someone else, I'd laugh.
BUT IT'S HAPPENING TO ME.
HASN'T ENOUGH BAD STUFF HAPPENED TO ME?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYTHING ELSE ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh god, Inuyasha please do something; I CAN'T MOVE ANYTHING BUT MY HANDS THAT ARE WRITING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY MOUTH IS FROZEN---GAH--MY LEGS--MY EVEYTHING--IT'S GONE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T MOVE!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, now Yuka's lip mouthing me something...something like:
"What was it?"
What doesthat mean???? No wait, it's...
"How was it?"
WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH HER?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW WAS IT?!! HOW WAS WHAT? WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! NOTHING AT ALL!!! I HAD A FEVER AND HE STAYED BY MY SIDE AND MADE SURE I WAS OKAY!!!! WHEN IS THAT A CRIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???
I can't believe they all think Inuyasha and me---they ASSUME Inuyasha and me...DID something far MORE than we really did...and here YUKA is--ASKING ABOUT THE DETAILS--LIKE I'D GIVE THEM!!
You know, if they actually EXISTED!!!!!!!!!!
But as nothing like anyone thinks transpired--
"Oh, fuck off."
Inuyasha said it like that's that.
No more to say, yesterday's news.
If you want to contact him, then you can just wait until he gets his secretary to call you later.
He's my hero.
So now it's time for his exit.
But where do I go?
If just follow him then--what's he doing--GAH!!!
Okay, so, Inuyasha's idea of an "exit" is turning around to retreat back into my room, meanwhile, grabbing my wrist (from behind me by the way, so I can't do anything about it), then yanking me with him. I guess he saved me from the incredulous stares of my friends, family, and stalkers, and an awkward situation, but he could have given me some warning--but perhaps this was all he could plan at the time. Really, I couldn't think of anything better. No way, I was too busy writing away in my journal, and having the rest of my body freeze up.
At least now there's a door between me and everyone else.
Well, except Inuyasha.
"What do you think they think?" I talked? To Inuyasha? When did that happen?
"That's obvious." Well, he puts his pants back on so at least now I feel a little less awkward around him--but then I always feel really...flustered when he doesn't have a shirt on. Can't stop myself from swallowing. Hard.
"D-don't you care?" Okay, still can't believe I can pull this off. After all that has happened. The pole dance on him stupid dare, me hiding and running like a coward, him carrying me in my underwear, him keeping me from shivering like he did with hardly anything on, and now all of them thinking we did stuff...not quite...innocent stuff.....all of that...devastating...earth shattering--yet I can manage to speak to him. Before I couldn't--so why can I now?
Crap, now when he looks at me I can't talk, I feel like I've been shot--because there's no way he can see me nearly the same way he did before!
He doesn't say anything--but then again--wait do I expect? He's gotta be really embarrassed about the whole thing...maybe worse than me because my family and friends hardly know him so how they look at him is totally different now--but then again because they know ME so well now they LOOK AT ME IS TOTALY DIFFERENT TOO! Maybe we're both in the red here.
"I...I...I'm sorry--it's all my fault. I was so stupid. I got into that closet before because I was cowering out. And I was pretending I was changing so I could stay in there. So when Yuka said she was opening the door I only had two choices--let you think I was the liar I was or let you see me in my underwear because then you'd think I was changing... See? If I'd have just talked to you and not chickened out--this would have never happened."
"How is it your fault?" Um...didn't I just explain?
"What do you mean? I said I chickened out and ran--you know about the dare--and the whole underwear thing--see if I were fully clothed the whole thing wouldn't be so bad--which really was what caused the whole thing. Remember, I had to run out--that's how it all happened. So me continuing to be a chicken really just kept worsening the situation." There. I SAID it. See, I'm not such a coward now, am I?
"Well what scared you?"
Oh.
THAT'S why I didn't talk to Inuyasha.
Because then I’d have to really talk about the dare...and other unpleasant things...
WHY DID I FORGET THAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I just said--the whole dare....thing..." I don't know what else he wants from me. I mean, what else can I really say? If I don't talk about than he doesn't have to talk about it. Wouldn't that make us, on the whole, a lot happier? I would make me happier. I wouldn't have to run--though I don't see where I'm running this time because there's still the possibility that everyone else is still out there, staring at my door. Though I'm pretty sure they've left by now....
Hmm...I never learn my lesson do I? Running away from my problems is not the answer--oh but it's so much easier. Besides, I've taken on plenty of demons and freakish others in the Feudal Era, so obviously I've got some bravery.
But still, regardless of what some might think, this whole thing really is a lot worse than all that dangerous peril and whatnot. Somehow, you really do get used to the stupid demons and annoying dark priestesses but you never quite adjust to all the embarrassing situations. I wonder if Inuyasha just brings them around wherever he goes--I didn't have much stuff like this happen to me before. Not that I don't like Inuyasha around, but why does this stuff always happen? Maybe I was just born under a bad sign, and when I turned fifteen, I walked into it, fell face first into the ground, and realized that it was there.
"And that was my fault..." Um, what...? Oh what I said earlier--I really should stop writing and pay attention--but really, it's my only escape. HIS FAULT? Okay, I don't understand boys and I never will--and I don't understand demons (except Shippo, who's pretty simple, give him a lollypop and he's satisfied for weeks) so that means I don't understand Inuyasha either. Well, I guess I do, more than a lot of people, but then, every once in a while, he pulls up some sort of card in Braille, and I just can't read it.
"WHAT?" I really shouldn't be yelling! Why do I yell? It's not THAT surprising--well it sort of is---I mean--how is any of this HIS fault all I remember was a coward (me) doing cowardly things (running away, hiding, etc.), which made things worse (had to strip down to my underwear, family got wrong impression, etc), oh and me doing the stupid dare in the first place (the stupid pole dancing one). Conclusion? I WAS AT FAULT!
"What?" Oh no. Now, he looks taken aback I HATE it when I make people look taken aback. It makes me feel...I don't know...like I'm over-doing something--or I've shocked them in a bad way...made them feel sort of disconcerted. I already knew the "WHAT" was too much--
"Well...how was the dare your fault I mean..." Oh god, just say it, it's SO obvious--SAY IT GODDAMMIT!
"...I was the one who DID the dare...how were you supposed to know? You didn't even know what it was." Oh great. See there, now I look even worse than the low worm that always runs away and hides in her little wormhole. Now I'm the dirt that the worm EATS.
"Y-yeah...but..." But what? What's he trying to say? Why's he blushing? GAH!! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION?!!!!!!!!!!! WHY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? DO I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST COMMON SENSE?!!!
But what could he say? DID he know what it was before hand?!!
No, I could tell--he was WAY to stunned to have known--plus he would have never consented knowing that I was going to do that...
Besides, how would he know, they didn't have pole dances in Feudal Japan...at least...I don't think so...
"What are you always writing...now?" Is he trying to change the subject? Why is he looking at me like that?
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW???
LIKE HE'S READ WHAT I'VE WRITTEN BEFORE???????????!!!!!!!!
So...
Was that really him who wrote in it....or......
----
Why do we fear? Is fear a warning to keep us away from what will hurt us?
Or is it what keeps us from facing what we need to conquer?
Is the true harm endangering ourselves by confront what we fear?
Or do we truly hurt ourselves when we don't?
I'm left wondering after what happened...because maybe fear is causing more harm than good.
Or maybe my relenting to fear has been the problem all along.
I didn't really know what to say to him after he asked that question. I was certain it was to bring us off the subject of the dare and all the things that had embarrassed us recently. I embraced the switch in conversation, because, naturally, I couldn't really take talking about it. I don't think I really can take much of anything. But why had he asked it like that? His eyes bored into me like they were asking the real question, and his words were the false one. He looked like he wanted a specific answer, which made me feel ill at ease. I didn't know what to say. Suddenly his presence made it seem far more important than I felt it could be, so I tried to ignore the urgency in his eyes and face. All I could think about was that now the alarming possibility that Inuyasha really had written those things in my journal was far more real and now he was talking about it.
"I don't know..." I finally said, but there was something else I really should have said... But then how could have I? He was wandering off his path again. See, on a journey sometimes we become sidetracked. On his path to Kikyo, I guess I was there to distract him, or maybe create some sort of fix while she was gone, but if I'm only needed now, I can't let him get too caught up can I? I'm only supposed to take every precious moment that comes with us and be somewhat satisfied hoping--no--not really being able to hope for him to leave Kikyo behind. If he did that, how could he be happy? Maybe I didn't think of Kikyo as the ultimate choice, the only one he'd pick. Maybe I thought that she was the one he'd most likely pick, and that he had to make the right decision...but if I caused him to make it too early than he's be stuck in a place where he didn't want to be. Maybe I was afraid that he might somehow wind up with me, and be filled with regret.
"Yeah right, that sounds nice." He laughed in a way someone laughs about their doom when they can't do anything about it and their smile is twisted. I know when the words came that they jerked me out of the anesthetic blindness I had clung on to so long. Their bitterness surprised me, and I couldn't understand why, suddenly, there was a cold shield around him. "I'd like to think you didn't know...that would be a lot easier." Really, at the time, I could only stare at him with numb shock and helpless confusion. I really didn't have any idea what he meant. Yet despite the inability of my thoughts to understand, I felt something inside me hurting.
"What?" I said with true bewilderment. He seemed angrier now, and I kept trying to think back through the conversation to a point where what I said could have said something to trigger the sudden change in his mood. I saw nothing except his abrupt and out of place question and I wondered what was held in that question and what it meant. I saw nothing no matter how hard I searched.
"I don't blame you though." Blame me for what? I wondered desperately. "I guess I just didn't take it for what it was..."
"Take what--??" I began quietly, as he got up and went toward the door.
"I guess you could have told me though--but that doesn't matter. I'm not sure what you were aiming for, Kagome, but I guess I was wrong about you...” At this point I was beyond any fathoming of what he could have been talking about. It seemed as if he was jumping around haphazardly and randomly to different points in a conversation with himself and I was only being filled in about a small fraction of it. I stood up hastily, not wanting him to leave without understanding what I had done and making it right. Was he mad that I hadn’t told him what I was writing? But it seemed a lot more than that.
"Wait, Inuyasha! What did I do? How did I get you so upset?! Please tell me!" I was also at a loss as to why I was getting so emotional about the entire thing. I knew I was frustrated that I couldn't understand how I'd somehow gotten Inuyasha in such a mood, but I felt my voice shaking as if I were going to cry.
"I'm not upset," he returned, and I couldn't see his face but I knew the words weren't true, "...I don't get upset. And you didn't do anything. Why would you do anything? The words were empty so why would you do anything about them?" I didn't stop him from leaving. I couldn't, so I sat on my bed as he walking out and closed the door behind him. I heard how, outside, the snow had turned to rain. The second phase of the apocalypse had probably begun now, but somehow I didn't really care. The only thing I knew were the haunting words that repeated over and over in my head.
The words were empty so why would you do anything about them?
In fact, though it's sort of weird, the only time I've seen him happily asleep is in my own bed. I remember before when we came to my time, right after Naraku escaped into an untraceable place, he fell asleep without meaning to on my bed. I wasn't in it that time, but he seemed so blissful then. As if it was the first real rest he'd ever gotten. He probably hadn't slept in a bed for a long time. Most of the time in the Feudal Era he sleeps sitting up...I don't know how he does it! I could never sleep like that! A lot of times he'll be up in a tree. He likes to be up in trees to. Maybe he's trying to look out for something. Or maybe it's a way to distance himself. Before, right when I met him it seemed like he had this obsession with distancing himself from people, because he was so afraid that if he got too close he'd be treated like he always was. With rejection. He always insulted me, and never trusted me; he thought I was Kikyo at first, because I supposedly look so much like her. (I don't really see the resemblance)
Really, I think she looks prettier than me, but I don't like to think it most of the time. She looks older but not really in an aged way...just a sort of wizened way. The weirdest thing is because I'm her reincarnation we're supposed to be boatloads alike, but we're not AT ALL. She's kind of...an opposite of me, or maybe I'm an opposite of her, I don't know. She likes to have a detachment from everything; the only time I feel like I'm any good is if I'm attached to everything. She gets a smirk on her face when she leaves Inuyasha, but every time I leave him I don’t' feel like smiling at all, because I don't feel like I’ve said anything I've wanted to him. Besides, at home, when he's not here, I get caught up in school and all of that, and in that whirlwind something feels empty. Before what was satisfying just isn't anymore.
I guess the reason why I wrote a few mean things about Kikyo was because I'm jealous of her. Really, she has Inuyasha in the palm of her hand. Anything she's ask him...he'd do it in a heartbeat. I can't even get him to do a huge number of things without that stupid prayer bead necklace. It's sort of something you can see in his face when she comes around. As if, suddenly, his whole world is just her, and that's all. The emperor of Japan wants to talk to him when he sees Kikyo? Oh, he'll have to schedule an appointment with the part of Inuyasha's brain that’s turned off when Kikyo floats down on her soul skimmers, like wherever she comes from all the people are a hundred times better than they are down here. But then again, I guess I just get bitter because I can't stand that look on his face when she comes around. That look is only for her. I could never cause it. No one else could either.
I read that just because you're jealous doesn't mean that you're in love. It just means you insecure. I AM insecure. Heck, Inuyasha has proclaimed his love for Kikyo more than once. Held her, begged her not to go, dropped everything just to go find her. I don't know how I can compete with that. The thing is, even if Inuyasha said he loved me, there's this annoying part of me that might make me choke instead of saying I love you too. It's this insane, unimaginable part that says that I shouldn't let him forget Kikyo just because he's getting caught up in the moment, because despite what he's saying now, deep down he is all for her. He can't help it; he was for her, bound to her in a way I could never be bound.
Basically, it would be like helping him have an affair or something. He's just being lead astray...from something that deep down he will always come back to...
I really don't want to think that though. That is the single worst thing imaginable.
I guess what I'd rather think is that Kikyo wasn't the right woman for him, so then I came along.
I came along after Kikyo killed him and I resurrected him.
I came along after Kikyo destroyed his ability to trust and I restored it.
I came along after Kikyo failed to soften his heart and I softened it.
I came along after Kikyo wanted him to change and I wanted him to be himself.
But then again, that sort of seems like a nice little fantasy doesn't it? So braggy too. I couldn't have done all those things. Sure, maybe they were done, but I didn't do them alone. Along with our friends did we cause Inuyasha to trust again and we all accepted him, didn't we? Plus, I only resurrected him after he told me to...he sort of did half of it on his own...
-------------------------------------
DOES IT EVER END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? TELL ME THAT!!!
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CAN'T DO THIS!!!
But I can't hide this time. I can't even run!!!!!!!!! AND NOW HE'S JUST STARING AT ME LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF FREAK!!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!! I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! I JUST FREAK OUT AND I'M JUST LEFT TO NEARLY ANNIHILATE MY POOR DIARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't faced him (not really) EVER SINCE--THE--UNFORTUNATE EVENT!!
And now that seems minimal in the scheme of things...I don't even want to think about all the things that make this moment so devastating.
"I see you're up." That's all he said to let me know he's been watching me write for god knows how long from my doorway, and I looked up and noticed he was there, FINALLY. All I was able to do was stare at him, because really, I didn't want to believe he was there. I wanted to believe I had gone insane and was hallucinating. That was the only reality I could face. After about an eternity of staring and my mouth hanging open, I felt my face sting (blushing--goes without saying) and then write like a maniac in my journal. My eyes just fixed on it, because I can’t look up. If I do, I'll die. Right there on the spot. I know I've said it before, but this time I'm sure of it.
"What are you writing, you've been asleep, what's there to write about?" He sort of has a good point, but then again I wasn't asleep a majority of the time because...oh...I don't know...it's sort of hard sleeping when A NEAR NAKED GUY IS IN BED WITH YOU but, I digress... "Are you even talking to me?" OH GREAT NOW HE'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE HE'S DONE SOMETHING--WHY DO THEY ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IT'S THEIR FAULT??!!!!!! WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST ASSUME I'M JUST A FREAK AND THEY'RE JUST FINE?? ???? ???
Oh god I looked up at him.
I can't look away, and I'm writing without looking at the paper.
Glanced down and it's way crooked.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
OH DEAR LORD whatIS the hanyou doing?!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY ARE YOU SITTING NEXT TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SITTING NEXT TO ME? WHHHHHHHYYYYY?!
"Are you alright?" Well, I managed a nod. Good for me, seriously, this is a victory. If I were a normal person I'd kick myself, because obviously that was pathetic, but for Kagome Higurashi, that was very impressive. Instead of some stupid scared shriek or just looking back to my journal, I actually did something not entirely bizarro. "Your fever...is it...?" Oh...well...I can't really do anything now, so I'm not mad at myself or anything, I mean, what do you expect? Just the thought of fevers in general is enough to make me fall to pieces.
Besides...I want him to touch my face...OH NO I DON'T--I CAN'T THINK THAT OR MY FACE WILL GET ALL RED!!!
Oh boy...well, at least this time, probably because he knows I’m awake, he just put his hand on my forehead and didn't actually...stroke my face...or anything...I get all weird when I think about it. My body feels all quivery and...strange--I'm such a weirdo.
He's BLUSHING--IT'S--IT'S--IT'S BECAUSE--
Oh wait, huh, duh, I'm still in my underwear....
I'M STILL IN MY UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You might want to get dressed..."
OHMIGOD, YOU WILL NOT FUCKING OH MY--GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH--YOUWILLNOTUNDERANY CIRCUMSTANCE BELIEVE THIS!!!
I actually screamed. Fully screamed.
Not when Inuyasha said that, of course, I just ran then, but right when I got out of my room, guess what was waiting for me?
Oh, you know, just EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I guess everyone now knows that I have a set of pink lacy underwear. I guess stupid and ew-ew-ew-ew-ick-ick-ick-ick-ick-ICKY!!! oh stupid Hojo and stupid--EW--this is so--OH THIS IS SO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!
STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! "I'M THROWING THIS!!"
I won't throw, you diary, it was just a threat, I mean gross Hojo and Roga ARE TOTALLY STARING WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR PROBLEM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait...they're not staring at me....it's what's....
...behind me...??? Inuyasha?? But...what are they gay or something? You'd think they'd be staring at me-- (not big ego, but the creeps do like me--not that that's something to be proud of) and yet, here they are, staring at Inuyasha. I mean, my friends I understand--
OMIGOD THEY ARE STARING AT INUYASHA--I'LL KILL 'EM!!!!!!!
Well...now they're staring at us both as a group--well not group--there's two of us so--I guess a twosome--or couple or...
Wait.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SO---
WRONG.
No, no, no, no, NO THEY WOULDN'T--
THEY THINK WE---WE--
OF ALL THE THINGS TO HAPPEN---WHY DO THE WORST ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????? ??????
Oh no.
OH NO.
EVEN YUKA ISN'T SAYING ANYTHING--THAT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SIGN!
I think I'm going to puke. I can't take this now.
Well except the looks on Hojo and Roga's faces, I mean those they're just--
Oh. My. God. SOOOO not the time to fricking LAUGH!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
THIS SILENCE IS DEATH-DEFYING--NO THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS BECAUSE I SHOULD BE DEAD---I SHOULD HAVE DIED FROM A HEART ATTACK--REALLY THIS WHOLE THING---
Even Inuyasha can't say anything. No one can. You'd think he'd beat the crap out of them, then they'd...they'd...
Okay, I can't think of any way of setting them STRAIGHT WHAT AM--WHAT ARE WE--
Well, you know, Roga and Hojo now are probably totally discouraged. They think me and Inuyasha...that we...
OH THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Nice underwear."
Thanks butter ninja weirdo. Thanks.
I know he said it to break the silence and all.
But, god.
DID HE HAVE TO?
Because no one's talking.
Still.
Despite the almighty butter ninja's attempts.
You know what, I should have foreseen this. I SO should have foreseen this. Bad things ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I FORESEE THIS????????
Wait...was the butter ninja talking to me....
...or Inuyasha???
Yes, the bind is that bad, I'm afraid...I just wish someone would say something, because I sure can't. Hojo and Roga won't because their worst nightmare has come true--or at least they think it has. They think me and Inuyasha...that we...we...that...
AW MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom can't talk--well she's already insane--so whatever--and grandpa is stunned that his only grandchild has--at least in his mind--been deflowered--and here all these people know. You know this would so be funny if it WASN'T ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As selfish as it sounds--well maybe not--I mean if it was Hojo or Roga with someone that would just be gross, but if I heard about this happening to someone else, I'd laugh.
BUT IT'S HAPPENING TO ME.
HASN'T ENOUGH BAD STUFF HAPPENED TO ME?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYTHING ELSE ???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh god, Inuyasha please do something; I CAN'T MOVE ANYTHING BUT MY HANDS THAT ARE WRITING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY MOUTH IS FROZEN---GAH--MY LEGS--MY EVEYTHING--IT'S GONE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN'T MOVE!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, now Yuka's lip mouthing me something...something like:
"What was it?"
What doesthat mean???? No wait, it's...
"How was it?"
WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH HER?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW WAS IT?!! HOW WAS WHAT? WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! NOTHING AT ALL!!! I HAD A FEVER AND HE STAYED BY MY SIDE AND MADE SURE I WAS OKAY!!!! WHEN IS THAT A CRIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???
I can't believe they all think Inuyasha and me---they ASSUME Inuyasha and me...DID something far MORE than we really did...and here YUKA is--ASKING ABOUT THE DETAILS--LIKE I'D GIVE THEM!!
You know, if they actually EXISTED!!!!!!!!!!
But as nothing like anyone thinks transpired--
"Oh, fuck off."
Inuyasha said it like that's that.
No more to say, yesterday's news.
If you want to contact him, then you can just wait until he gets his secretary to call you later.
He's my hero.
So now it's time for his exit.
But where do I go?
If just follow him then--what's he doing--GAH!!!
Okay, so, Inuyasha's idea of an "exit" is turning around to retreat back into my room, meanwhile, grabbing my wrist (from behind me by the way, so I can't do anything about it), then yanking me with him. I guess he saved me from the incredulous stares of my friends, family, and stalkers, and an awkward situation, but he could have given me some warning--but perhaps this was all he could plan at the time. Really, I couldn't think of anything better. No way, I was too busy writing away in my journal, and having the rest of my body freeze up.
At least now there's a door between me and everyone else.
Well, except Inuyasha.
"What do you think they think?" I talked? To Inuyasha? When did that happen?
"That's obvious." Well, he puts his pants back on so at least now I feel a little less awkward around him--but then I always feel really...flustered when he doesn't have a shirt on. Can't stop myself from swallowing. Hard.
"D-don't you care?" Okay, still can't believe I can pull this off. After all that has happened. The pole dance on him stupid dare, me hiding and running like a coward, him carrying me in my underwear, him keeping me from shivering like he did with hardly anything on, and now all of them thinking we did stuff...not quite...innocent stuff.....all of that...devastating...earth shattering--yet I can manage to speak to him. Before I couldn't--so why can I now?
Crap, now when he looks at me I can't talk, I feel like I've been shot--because there's no way he can see me nearly the same way he did before!
He doesn't say anything--but then again--wait do I expect? He's gotta be really embarrassed about the whole thing...maybe worse than me because my family and friends hardly know him so how they look at him is totally different now--but then again because they know ME so well now they LOOK AT ME IS TOTALY DIFFERENT TOO! Maybe we're both in the red here.
"I...I...I'm sorry--it's all my fault. I was so stupid. I got into that closet before because I was cowering out. And I was pretending I was changing so I could stay in there. So when Yuka said she was opening the door I only had two choices--let you think I was the liar I was or let you see me in my underwear because then you'd think I was changing... See? If I'd have just talked to you and not chickened out--this would have never happened."
"How is it your fault?" Um...didn't I just explain?
"What do you mean? I said I chickened out and ran--you know about the dare--and the whole underwear thing--see if I were fully clothed the whole thing wouldn't be so bad--which really was what caused the whole thing. Remember, I had to run out--that's how it all happened. So me continuing to be a chicken really just kept worsening the situation." There. I SAID it. See, I'm not such a coward now, am I?
"Well what scared you?"
Oh.
THAT'S why I didn't talk to Inuyasha.
Because then I’d have to really talk about the dare...and other unpleasant things...
WHY DID I FORGET THAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I just said--the whole dare....thing..." I don't know what else he wants from me. I mean, what else can I really say? If I don't talk about than he doesn't have to talk about it. Wouldn't that make us, on the whole, a lot happier? I would make me happier. I wouldn't have to run--though I don't see where I'm running this time because there's still the possibility that everyone else is still out there, staring at my door. Though I'm pretty sure they've left by now....
Hmm...I never learn my lesson do I? Running away from my problems is not the answer--oh but it's so much easier. Besides, I've taken on plenty of demons and freakish others in the Feudal Era, so obviously I've got some bravery.
But still, regardless of what some might think, this whole thing really is a lot worse than all that dangerous peril and whatnot. Somehow, you really do get used to the stupid demons and annoying dark priestesses but you never quite adjust to all the embarrassing situations. I wonder if Inuyasha just brings them around wherever he goes--I didn't have much stuff like this happen to me before. Not that I don't like Inuyasha around, but why does this stuff always happen? Maybe I was just born under a bad sign, and when I turned fifteen, I walked into it, fell face first into the ground, and realized that it was there.
"And that was my fault..." Um, what...? Oh what I said earlier--I really should stop writing and pay attention--but really, it's my only escape. HIS FAULT? Okay, I don't understand boys and I never will--and I don't understand demons (except Shippo, who's pretty simple, give him a lollypop and he's satisfied for weeks) so that means I don't understand Inuyasha either. Well, I guess I do, more than a lot of people, but then, every once in a while, he pulls up some sort of card in Braille, and I just can't read it.
"WHAT?" I really shouldn't be yelling! Why do I yell? It's not THAT surprising--well it sort of is---I mean--how is any of this HIS fault all I remember was a coward (me) doing cowardly things (running away, hiding, etc.), which made things worse (had to strip down to my underwear, family got wrong impression, etc), oh and me doing the stupid dare in the first place (the stupid pole dancing one). Conclusion? I WAS AT FAULT!
"What?" Oh no. Now, he looks taken aback I HATE it when I make people look taken aback. It makes me feel...I don't know...like I'm over-doing something--or I've shocked them in a bad way...made them feel sort of disconcerted. I already knew the "WHAT" was too much--
"Well...how was the dare your fault I mean..." Oh god, just say it, it's SO obvious--SAY IT GODDAMMIT!
"...I was the one who DID the dare...how were you supposed to know? You didn't even know what it was." Oh great. See there, now I look even worse than the low worm that always runs away and hides in her little wormhole. Now I'm the dirt that the worm EATS.
"Y-yeah...but..." But what? What's he trying to say? Why's he blushing? GAH!! WHY DID I PUT MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION?!!!!!!!!!!! WHY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? DO I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST COMMON SENSE?!!!
But what could he say? DID he know what it was before hand?!!
No, I could tell--he was WAY to stunned to have known--plus he would have never consented knowing that I was going to do that...
Besides, how would he know, they didn't have pole dances in Feudal Japan...at least...I don't think so...
"What are you always writing...now?" Is he trying to change the subject? Why is he looking at me like that?
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW???
LIKE HE'S READ WHAT I'VE WRITTEN BEFORE???????????!!!!!!!!
So...
Was that really him who wrote in it....or......
----
Why do we fear? Is fear a warning to keep us away from what will hurt us?
Or is it what keeps us from facing what we need to conquer?
Is the true harm endangering ourselves by confront what we fear?
Or do we truly hurt ourselves when we don't?
I'm left wondering after what happened...because maybe fear is causing more harm than good.
Or maybe my relenting to fear has been the problem all along.
I didn't really know what to say to him after he asked that question. I was certain it was to bring us off the subject of the dare and all the things that had embarrassed us recently. I embraced the switch in conversation, because, naturally, I couldn't really take talking about it. I don't think I really can take much of anything. But why had he asked it like that? His eyes bored into me like they were asking the real question, and his words were the false one. He looked like he wanted a specific answer, which made me feel ill at ease. I didn't know what to say. Suddenly his presence made it seem far more important than I felt it could be, so I tried to ignore the urgency in his eyes and face. All I could think about was that now the alarming possibility that Inuyasha really had written those things in my journal was far more real and now he was talking about it.
"I don't know..." I finally said, but there was something else I really should have said... But then how could have I? He was wandering off his path again. See, on a journey sometimes we become sidetracked. On his path to Kikyo, I guess I was there to distract him, or maybe create some sort of fix while she was gone, but if I'm only needed now, I can't let him get too caught up can I? I'm only supposed to take every precious moment that comes with us and be somewhat satisfied hoping--no--not really being able to hope for him to leave Kikyo behind. If he did that, how could he be happy? Maybe I didn't think of Kikyo as the ultimate choice, the only one he'd pick. Maybe I thought that she was the one he'd most likely pick, and that he had to make the right decision...but if I caused him to make it too early than he's be stuck in a place where he didn't want to be. Maybe I was afraid that he might somehow wind up with me, and be filled with regret.
"Yeah right, that sounds nice." He laughed in a way someone laughs about their doom when they can't do anything about it and their smile is twisted. I know when the words came that they jerked me out of the anesthetic blindness I had clung on to so long. Their bitterness surprised me, and I couldn't understand why, suddenly, there was a cold shield around him. "I'd like to think you didn't know...that would be a lot easier." Really, at the time, I could only stare at him with numb shock and helpless confusion. I really didn't have any idea what he meant. Yet despite the inability of my thoughts to understand, I felt something inside me hurting.
"What?" I said with true bewilderment. He seemed angrier now, and I kept trying to think back through the conversation to a point where what I said could have said something to trigger the sudden change in his mood. I saw nothing except his abrupt and out of place question and I wondered what was held in that question and what it meant. I saw nothing no matter how hard I searched.
"I don't blame you though." Blame me for what? I wondered desperately. "I guess I just didn't take it for what it was..."
"Take what--??" I began quietly, as he got up and went toward the door.
"I guess you could have told me though--but that doesn't matter. I'm not sure what you were aiming for, Kagome, but I guess I was wrong about you...” At this point I was beyond any fathoming of what he could have been talking about. It seemed as if he was jumping around haphazardly and randomly to different points in a conversation with himself and I was only being filled in about a small fraction of it. I stood up hastily, not wanting him to leave without understanding what I had done and making it right. Was he mad that I hadn’t told him what I was writing? But it seemed a lot more than that.
"Wait, Inuyasha! What did I do? How did I get you so upset?! Please tell me!" I was also at a loss as to why I was getting so emotional about the entire thing. I knew I was frustrated that I couldn't understand how I'd somehow gotten Inuyasha in such a mood, but I felt my voice shaking as if I were going to cry.
"I'm not upset," he returned, and I couldn't see his face but I knew the words weren't true, "...I don't get upset. And you didn't do anything. Why would you do anything? The words were empty so why would you do anything about them?" I didn't stop him from leaving. I couldn't, so I sat on my bed as he walking out and closed the door behind him. I heard how, outside, the snow had turned to rain. The second phase of the apocalypse had probably begun now, but somehow I didn't really care. The only thing I knew were the haunting words that repeated over and over in my head.
The words were empty so why would you do anything about them?