InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Killing Imperfection ❯ Chapter 1 ( Chapter 1 )

 

Inadequacy.

 

It's what I feel when she looks at me.

 

Inadequate. Pathetic.

 

How is this possible? How can this weak slip of a girl make me feel this? Perhaps it is my own insecurities she can see. Her eyes seem to pierce past my outward facade and see me. I cannot hide and I cannot pretend with her. And I hate it.

 

I failed her with my own delusions of grandeur, yet she does not care. It would seem anyway. It puzzles me as to why she would continue this seemingly blind faith, this undying devotion and desire to stay with me. In fact, it seems even stronger now.

 

Rin is entirely too simplistic, yet complicated at the same time. A simple look or kind gesture or word towards her, and she is content. As if just being near me or knowing that I do in fact care for her is enough to ease her mind of all worries, of all fears. Yet my failure in protecting her, in saving her and exposing my weaknesses actually strengthens her faith in me, her naive inexplicable love of me. When logically she should see that I am, in fact, not worthy of her devotions.

 

Inadequate.

 

I rationalize my self-doubt and helplessness, but honestly, I am frightened. It's ugly. It's shameful. It pounds in my mind; what am I frightened of?

 

Of her feelings for me.

 

Of my feelings for her.

 

Of losing her.

 

Of losing her and it being my fault. Again.

 

But this time, no tricks, no miracle help from a sympathetic and slightly guilt ridden mother. I have no second chances. Or in our case, third chances. Death will take her, no matter my anger, my will or my strength.

 

My connection to this child is deep and unsettling. It has gotten to where I cannot imagine my day, my existence, without her laughter, her inane songs, her smile, her very presence.

 

I find great dread and distress in this, but at the same time, great comfort and fulfillment. She gives me purpose and drive, a reason to conquer to grow in power and mind. I never had reason before; it was for my own selfish desire to control all around me, to prove to myself my worth of father's blood and lineage. But now, it is different. Everything I do, somehow she comes into the equation. Whether it be her safety, her needs or her view of me. I catch myself feeling like a praise hungry child, looking to her for her approval of my actions. Shockingly pathetic.

 

What does all this mean? I muse if this is me becoming my father in a way I never thought possible. That I would never believe and would kill anyone who mentioned it being a possibility.

 

Inadequacy.

 

Fear.

 

Need.

 

Fulfillment.

 

Want.

 

It all points to one thing. And that one thing I'm not willing to admit to yet. Not yet. Hopefully the Gods will allow this youkai to keep what shred of pride he has left, just a little bit longer.