InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Letting Go...And Holding On ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

Even on a calm night such as this, the forest seems alive. Trees whisper to one another in the gentle breeze as they sway in unison, dancing elegantly in the shifting wind. The delicate scent of cherry blossoms accents the forest's quiet performance. Soft moonlight highlights the silvery mane that descends from the half-demon's dog-eared head. Twigs and dead leaves crunch beneath his bare feet as he walks, following the transparent snake-like phantoms guiding him silently through the woodlands. Propelled by curiosity and concern, Inuyasha quickens his pace.


The wispy soul-collectors finally emerge from the forest into a clearing and hover over their master. The pale, black-haired woman stares sadly at Inuyasha, who approaches with worry in his large, golden eyes.


"Kikyo," he breathes.


Her lips slightly upturn at the utterance of her name in her former lover's voice. The small smile brings a modicum of warmth and character to her cold, expressionless face. A faint flicker of joy touches her sullen eyes.

"Inuyasha," she wistfully replies to his greeting.


"What's wrong? Why did you send for me? Are you hurt?" Inuyasha investigates the air with his nose, and Kikyo with his eyes, scouting for wounds. He finds no indication of injury, but notices something different about her scent--though he can't quite put his finger on what it is.


"No, nothing is wrong, Inuyasha. In fact, all will be made right tonight." Her smile expands as she steps closer to Inuyasha, placing her hand upon his chest. She looks up at him with a sparkle in her eyes Inuyasha hasn't seen since before Naraku's deception.


Puzzled, he cocks his head questioningly. His ears tilt full-forward with intense interest, each flicking nervously. He places his hand over Kikyo's. "What's going on, Kikyo?" he asks quietly. "I've never seen you like this."


What in the world is going on? he wonders. She's acting so weird...and her scent is somehow different...and what could she mean by "all will be made right tonight?"

"Inuyasha..." Kikyo begins, dropping her eyes, along with her smile. "It is time..." Her voice trails off, almost as if she had forgotten what she was going to say. This will not be simple, she thinks to herself.


"Time for what?" he responds impatiently, slightly aggravated with her verbal time-out. Intrigue and uneasiness are growing in his mind as he considers her strange behavior--and he wants answers.


"It is time..." she begins again, finding it difficult to put her thoughts into words, "...for me to go." She pulls her hand from his and lets it fall to her side.


Inuyasha is stunned and bewildered at her words. For a moment he is silent. Then fear of what she might mean loosens his tongue.


"Kikyo! What are you saying?!" he questions urgently. He wonders where she's going with this...where she's going, period. In any case, he doesn't like the sound of it. He knows this is bad news. His clenching gut tells him as much.


"Inuyasha...I don't belong here...and we both know it. I died a long time ago. My presence here only causes pain and unrest. For you, for myself...and for..."


Still looking at the ground, she hesitates--and turns her head to the side, away from Inuyasha, as if ashamed of her own words. His gaze, however, only intensifies.


"...and for Kagome." she finishes, almost in a whisper.


Inuyasha picks up on Kikyo's semi-cryptic implication--is she talking about "going" into death?! His eyes widen as his worry intensifies.


He knows now what she's talking about. There is too much evidence to think she could mean anything else. Not only did Kikyo's choice of words do much to give away her intent, but her tone of voice and mannerisms served as confirmation. Inuyasha just doesn't want to believe it. Being the stubborn hanyou that he is, he opts to disregard the facts.


Nonetheless, the truth eats at the back of his mind--an unsettling gnawing he can't quite ignore. This makes him angry, and desperate for a contradiction to that which he's willfully choosing not to believe. His body betrays everything from which his mind is trying to escape. His heart thuds wildly as if he were engaged in battle; his ears thrust straight up and stiffen, as if straining to hear a sound that isn't forthcoming. His hand absentmindedly grips the handle of his Tessaiga until his knuckles turn white. The features of his face harden, creating a visage of unmistakable distress.


In his turmoil, he raises his voice: "What are you talking about, Kikyo?! You're not hurting anyone! What are you thinking?! It better not be...you better not mean...”


His brow creases as his volume swells to an outright shout, "...just where the hell do you think you're going, anyway?!"


He huffs in panting breaths after his rant, more from continued frustration than from breathlessness. He stares intensely at Kikyo, awaiting her response.


"Inuyasha..." Kikyo says evenly, unperturbed. Her eyes return to meet the half-demon's. "Please calm yourself. Stay your anger. I have to come seeking your help. Will you not allow me to explain? Please, just listen."


--


BACK AT THE CAMPSITE


Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and Kirara are sleeping soundly. The fire has died down to a smolder, its glow casting kaleidoscopic shadow-shapes across their horizontal forms. But one person is not lost in slumber.
Though she didn't see or hear Inuyasha leave, Kagome somehow sensed his absence in her sleep. She arises from her sleeping bag to sit at the edge of the forest, keeping vigil, her knees drawn up to her chest. She knows where the hanyou has gone.


Why does he so often slip away to see her in the middle of the night? she wonders, her feelings hurt. If there's really nothing going on between them anymore, then why does he always feel the need for so much privacy? And after everyone's asleep, too. Is he trying to keep it a secret? Her sadness, tinged with anger, is apparent as she exhales deeply.


She ruminates about the past. She remembers every time Inuyasha has gone off to see Kikyo; every time she has cried into her pillow in her own era, or where she stood or sat in this one. She remembers the kiss she witnessed between the pair, and the embrace the couple shared by the well. For all her trying to do so, she cannot erase those images from her mind. Nor can she shake the terrible, painful feelings of all of Inuyasha's 'midnight trysts' with Kikyo--including this one. Yet she knows the facts, no matter how much she dislikes and resents them.


Oh, why should I expect anything different. Inuyasha was in love with Kikyo long before he ever met me. I can't expect to take her place. After all, if the situation were reversed...


She shudders at the thought. She remembers when Inuyasha sent her home and sealed the well with a tree...the time the spider demon had him in its clutches...the time he fell off the cliff near the Tree of the Human-Faced Fruit...and certainly the time when Kikyo threw her into the well and she could not return to the Fedual Era. There were a number of other instances, too...all where she thought she'd never see Inuyasha again. She realizes that the pain of separation from Inuyasha exceeds the pain of knowing he still loves Kikyo. That was the whole reason she had decided to stay the last time--she just can't live without Inuyasha. She couldn't imagine a fate more terrible than never seeing him again.


In any circumstances, I don't think I could ever get over Inuyasha. I can't imagine ever loving anyone else the way I love him. I guess I can't blame him for going off to see Kikyo...I've really got no right to be upset. He can't let go of her any more than I can let go of him.


Kagome just wishes it could be different somehow. Ideally, that would mean Inuyasha would get over Kikyo and love her back...but she'd settle for getting over Inuyasha instead, if she could. Then it wouldn't hurt so much when he went to Kikyo's side...or when situations arose that threatened to separate him from her own side. It would just make things easier, simpler, less painful. If she could just fall for someone else instead...


It's not like I don't have other options...Hojo really seems to care about me, and Kouga has even told me he loves me. They are both wonderful people; I know either of them would be good to me.


Reality butts in again, and she sighs heavily.


But I just can't be with either of them, as much as I care for them both. It's obvious, my heart belongs only to Inuyasha. There is nothing I can do to change that. So I guess I can kind of see where he's coming from in some small way.


An ache develops in her chest, remembering where her beloved is at this very moment. It still really hurts, nonetheless. As long as Kikyo's around, Inuyasha's heart will never be mine.


As Kagome faces this painful truth, the ache in her chest tightens. Her eyes glisten with an upswell of tears, cupped between upper and lower lids, begging for release.


All of her aspirations and dreams have been centered around gaining Inuyasha's love for so long...and though she must have known it was impossible all along, having even said as much to herself before, she couldn't help but continue to hope. It kept her feeling alive, strong. In the face of this irrefutable truth that she could not continue to suppress, she realizes she can no longer hold on to her idealization. The tightness becomes full-on heartbreak.


"I just have to learn to let go of that hope..." she whispers aloud.


Unable to hold back her sorrow any longer, droplets spill from her glistening eyes, dampening her knees. Though she has come to understand Inuyasha, and even empathize with him, all that understanding and empathy doesn't make Kagome's situation any less painful for her--or any easier to accept.


A/N: This is my first fanfic ever!! Please tell me how you like it--review, please! :)
Thank you very much!! :) Oh, and this story is also posted at fanfiction.net!