InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls Found ❯ Choices ( Chapter 3 )

 

Author's note: Warning - a little Lime. Goddess Takahashi owns all these wonderful characters.

 

Lost Souls Found

Chapter 3: Choices

 

 

The same morning Kagome went for her walk, InuYasha had joined Kohaku on his daily walk to the lake and back. The wounds on his side had been more severe than InuYasha was aware of at first, and the scars had begun to constrict some of his movements. Kagome had said he should move as much as possible now that the scar tissue was forming. InuYasha had begun to find comfort in the boy's silence, and sometimes they even talked a bit. Clearly, Kohaku was still disturbed by something that had happened at the Volcano, but he never wanted to talk about it, or anything else of his life with Naraku. That suited InuYasha just fine since he didn't really want to talk about stuff like that either.

 

As they walked, InuYasha could not wipe clear from his mind the boy's dizzy look of fear and hatred when he carried him off the mountain after the battle. His own guilt led him to assume that Kohaku's buried feelings were of hatred for him. Despite enjoying their silence, some strange desire to pay penance to Kohaku and to help alleviate his suffering kept him close to the boy, hoping he would come out with it and lay it on the half-demon. He knew instinctively that if Kohaku expressed his anger at InuYasha, it would help them both.

 

As usual, they walked in silence at first. InuYasha watched the boy's feet as they negotiated some tricky rocks, ready to catch him if he stumbled.

 

“InuYasha,” Kohaku's voice was heavy, something weighing on his thoughts. “have you ever just …,” here it comes, thought InuYasha, steeling himself to make the apology that probably wouldn't help. ”Have you ever just wanted to disappear? Stop … stop being here?”

 

InuYasha was surprised. What was the kid saying? He halted and let Kohaku take a step beyond him and turn around.

“What do you mean?” InuYasha's voice was low. Kohaku could not hold his intense gaze and looked quickly at the ground. He moved over to a rock near the water's edge and sat, staring at the wind playing on the lake's surface.

 

“I mean,” he hesitated again, “I mean I'm supposed to be dead.” Anguish filled his voice and this time he did look at InuYasha, the suffering clear on his face. “I was going to be the one to make sure Naraku was dead! And … and …,” he choked up, tears streaming down his cheeks, “and I was going to die in payment for everyone I killed!” He sobbed and raised his hands to his face. His whole body shuddered and he looked up at InuYasha with anger seething over his features, “why didn't you kill me!?” he screamed out.

 

InuYasha was shocked, never expecting the boy to be harboring such dark thoughts. The anger he had expected from Kohaku aimed at him wasn't what he expected. The kid wasn't asking for an apology, but for an explanation. This made InuYasha a little angry, himself. He looked at Kohaku's heaving shoulders and felt unsure how to respond. Would returning the anger help? Reason? Silence? Suddenly, his own guilt came into perspective. He had merely injured his friends, and killed a bunch of demons and bandits, but this poor boy was carrying the deaths of his family, villagers and countless innocents. InuYasha tried to imagine what that burden would feel like and failed utterly. Next he tried to imagine what he could say to help Kohaku, and failed utterly at that too.

 

“Kohaku,” InuYasha started talking before his mind caught up with his mouth. He prayed he didn't say anything really stupid, realizing Kohaku was on very shaky ground. He tried to walk a line between honoring Kohaku's guilt and giving him some kind of hope. Every instinct told him not to encourage the kid's death wish. “You did those things, but it was not your will that guided your hand. You must carry the burden of their deaths, but you shouldn't give up on life until it gives up on you.” And I'm certainly not going to be the one to give you the easy way out, a little voice in his head whispered.

 

Kohaku was listening, but his head still hung in his hands. InuYasha had a sobering thought, what if the boy had played a willing part in those deaths? Kohaku was still, only his tears moving down his cheek.

 

“Kohaku,” InuYasha put a sternness in his voice that commanded the boy to face him, “can you look me in the eye and tell me that your will was not behind those deaths?” Kohaku did not hesitate to nod his head, yes. InuYasha continued, not releasing Kohaku from his gaze, and giving his voice the quality of an oath, “and you swear that you will do everything in your power to never again kill out of anything but self-defense?” The boy nodded again, yes. “And you will do everything in your power to protect those weaker than you, to atone for what you have done?” Yes.

 

The boy looked into his eyes, responding to InuYasha's demands with an enthusiasm he hadn't displayed since before the battle. Suddenly, InuYasha knew what he needed to say.

 

“In that case, there is no easy way out.” InuYasha walked up to him, feeling very protective of him in that moment, and placed his hand on the boy's unwounded shoulder, “I'm not giving up on you, kid.” Kohaku's face screwed up into a paradoxical display of joy and dread, perhaps beginning to comprehend a life of responsibility for what he had done, carrying the burdens of the past and seeking atonement for them in the future. Not an easy life at all.

 

“But,” Kohaku had a new note of desperation in his voice, dragging sympathy out of InuYasha despite himself, “what if he comes back? What if another monster comes and learns about the jewel I carry? What if someone else can control me? What if I can't stop them?” The tears were coming again as his words trailed off and struck InuYasha in the heart as surely as an arrow. For he understood the boy's fear completely, it resonated so deeply with his own. What did you do when you couldn't be sure your will would always be your own? How could your friends trust you? How could you trust yourself? If he didn't have an answer for himself, he didn't have one for Kohaku. Everything he thought to say sounded stupid, but he knew he owed it to the kid to say something. He said the first thing that came to his heart.

 

“I told you already kid,” he said simply, “I'm not giving up on you.”

 

He jerked his head back to the camp, pointing the way for Kohaku to walk with him. Kohaku hesitated for a moment.

 

“You won't tell my sister?”

 

“Nope.” InuYasha sighed inwardly at this responsibility, “you can tell her yourself when you're ready.”

 

Kohaku accepted this, not looking like he planned to tell anyone anything about this, and they left the lakeside. Kohaku seemed somewhat more at ease, but now InuYasha was beginning to feel depressed. He'd said some noble words, even believed them. He knew he'd given Kohaku something important that he needed, someone other than himself to be responsible to.

 

But who is not going to give up on me?

 

++++++++++

 

 

When they arrived at camp, walking in silence, InuYasha realized something was missing. Sango walked up to him and with a mild edge in her voice said, “Kagome left on her walk a while ago, InuYasha.” Implied in her tone was that he better get moving to follow her or Sango was going to see to it he had no dinner that night. Getting the point, he gave Kohaku a little wave and headed off after her scent, turning up to follow her path along a streambed when he came to her little stick marker.

 

As he sped after Kagome's scent up the mountainside, worry crept into his guilt-laden heart. At times like this, when he was shirking his sworn protection of Kagome, the worst thoughts would creep into his mind. The ones that made his throat constrict to the point of pain. What if something happened to her because he wasn't there? What if it happened because he was there? The thought of being so close to someone, especially the sweet girl that he suspected had stolen his heart, and then losing her to his own horrible weaknesses, was absolutely unbearable. He knew these thoughts weren't terribly rational, but they still brought with them all the pain of his mother's death, Kikyo's `betrayal,' and his lost soul back to him full force. If he thought about it too long, Kohaku's struggle actually made sense to him, and Kikyo's offer of death seemed almost inviting.

 

He shook his head and coughed to relax his throat, I'm not giving up on myself, he thought. If I'm not giving up on Kohaku, I'm sure as hell not giving up on me just yet. Faster, he sped through the trees, trying to outrun the fear nipping at his heels, the hollow fear of loss keeping pace with every move he made.

 

He followed her footprints until he saw large rocks obscuring a clearing. A feeling of dread filled him. He knew this place. This was Kikyo's place. Kagome had come to Kikyo? What would he find on the other side of the rocks? Kikyo hadn't made a move to hurt Kagome in a long time, but InuYasha didn't even pretend to understand Kikyo's motives anymore and his worry over letting Kagome out of his sight took precedence and filled his mind with images of horror. Shaking the ugly pictures out of his head again, he peeked his nose between two rocks to look at the deep pond with a waterfall splashing merrily down in the afternoon sun. He could barely see Kagome through the crack in the rocks, but she was there, over near the waterfall. She said something out loud he couldn't hear and clapped her hands. What the hell was she doing? Was she trying to draw Kikyo out of hiding? Was Kikyo in the water? What an idiot!

 

“Just SIT already!” he heard her say it and felt the hard jerk at the back of his neck which signaled his downfall, literally. As his face smashed into the soft earth at his feet, he started a growl and then quickly stopped, remembering he wasn't supposed to be here. Frustrated and angry, he stood back up trying to decide what to do. God, how he hated that! Didn't she know how much he hated that? Hadn't he come up here to protect her? What kind of appreciation was that? Then a new thought struck him, What did I do to her that she's giving me the `sit' command when she thinks she's alone?

 

He moved back to look at her through the space between the rocks. He had to adjust his angle little against the rock to get a good view, and he started when he realized she was taking her clothes off. She was going to go for a swim!

 

He pulled away from the rock, his heart thumping. What was she thinking? Even if Kikyo wasn't there, there could be demons and perverts out here, just waiting for some fool girl to do something stupid like this. Of course, he reminded himself, I am here to make sure that doesn't happen. His breathing slowed a little, and he turned back around to look through the rocks again, just in time to see her walk slowly into the obviously cold water. He had caught glimpses of her without clothes on before, usually right before she sat him, but he'd never seen all of her like this, with the luxury of being able to just stare. Now he didn't just stare, he gawked, and as she threw herself into the water, her rear end rising to precede her lovely long legs into the water, his lower region responded completely of its own accord, as it always did upon those little glimpses.

 

He backed away from the rock again, heart pounding harder. His mind wanted him to run away, not violate her trust, but his heart was not willing to let him budge. He found this annoying until he realized what was going on. Somewhere in the confused mess of emotions he had carried around in him ever since he could remember, he had dreamed of this, dreamed of her. Feeling free of battle and defense for the first time in memory, seeing her like this, those dreams were coming forward, pushing away the guilt, anger and pain. They were telling him it was okay to want to stay.

 

Not at all sure he was doing the right thing, he let his great desire to protect her win his internal struggle, and he decided to stay. Acting out of some sense of propriety that came from he-didn't-know-where, he would not let himself look. He settled down to wait until he heard her leave the pool. The view from where he stood was nice, so he leaned casually against another rock to watch the lake spread a sparkling fan out below. He was feeling very self-conscious even though, he thought dryly to himself, no one was watching him.

 

His feigned nonchalance was no good. He couldn't help it. With no battles to plan and no demons to sniff out, the image of her upending into the water was now fixed in his mind, and soon the rock in his hakama pants was challenging the rock against which he rested, and it was becoming uncomfortable. After several minutes of adjusting himself to the rock, squatting and sitting, he gave in and decided that if he really was going to protect her, he should do it right.

 

He silently stalked around the clearing, taking off his haori to be less visible, and hiding in a particularly dense tree. He found his place just in time to see her move under the water fall, whooping and sputtering as the water pummeled her head. Her hair washed in streams down over her shoulders and breasts. He watched this scene in amazement. She was having so much fun, he envied her ability to laugh out loud when no one was there - at least as far as she knew. Watching her enjoy the water made him happy. His heart softened and he felt warm, glad that she was in the world for him to protect.

 

Soon, to his happy consternation, she was out of the water and stretching luxuriously on a rock, letting the sun warm her body and the rock support her. Looking at her, warm and alive in the afternoon light, the striking contrast with Kikyo hit him like a lightning bolt. Kagome lay smiling in the sun, enjoying being alive, enjoying the feelings of her beautiful body. And Kikyo, who in that same clearing would lie unbreathing in the cold water, had only the memory of feelings, was only the memory of such beauty. One so alive, the other so … he choked up at the mere thought of it. Quite unexpectedly, he knew the choice would have to be made soon. Long he'd known this time would come, when he would have to choose. The rest of them thought it was a choice between two women, but he knew it was much more than that. It was a choice between life and death - his.

 

He watched Kagome smile at a private thought and reach her arms over her head to stretch, enjoying the feeling of being so free. She was truly beautiful, he thought, letting his eyes linger on her smooth skin, round breasts, tiny waist, perfect hips …. When had she become a woman, and he hadn't even noticed? His lower portion pulsed and he realized with a blush that maybe he had noticed. He remembered fondly the feel of her thighs and breasts on his back as they flew through the treetops. The pressure of her hands on his shoulders, pulling him into her. The memory stirred another pulse below. He enjoyed that feeling too.

 

Feeling his body come alive, watching her body so free, the dark thoughts of the morning's talk with Kohaku, and his brief flirtation with Kikyo's invitation to leave his guilts behind, faded. Their darkness was overcome by Kagome's light and life, shining on his soul like the sunlight on her skin.

 

He became very aware just then that his feelings for Kagome had gone beyond anything he'd ever felt for Kikyo. She was so full of life. So quick to love and to forgive. Looking at Kagome, the small smile on her lips, her body bursting with life, he suddenly knew what he wanted.

 

He wanted her. He wanted the happiness he knew they could have together. He wanted life. He felt a slight bump in his heart, and knew deep inside that it was the sound of his soul settling back into its home. Could it be that simple?

 

Like a prisoner freed from his cage, this simple thought, I want her - I want life, crowded out all the unhappy feelings inside him. He felt immensely happy all of a sudden, strong enough to drive away all the demons inside and outside. He almost jumped out of his tree and ran down to scoop her into his arms, apologize profusely for being a jerk and carry her away with him. But he stopped; Kagome wouldn't turn him away if he leapt down there right now … or would she? He sighed and realized that he really didn't have a clue how she would react. He hadn't talked to her in weeks about anything real, he had no idea what she was thinking, or what she would think of her protector turning peeper. And the last thing he wanted to do was totally ruin this moment - for either one of them - with his usual arrogant assertion that whatever he wanted should be his. Kagome herself had proved that assumption wrong more often than not. He let out a small whimper and stayed in the tree. Better not to let her know he was there at all.

 

++++++++

 

Kagome couldn't help noticing that InuYasha was very late returning from wherever he was the afternoon she found the pool. Her confidence of the morning had worn away when he didn't come back except to announce he was going hunting again. He didn't even talk to her. As the afternoon went on, her earlier thought that maybe she didn't really belong in this ancient world began to grow and take on form in her mind. She'd had plenty of conversations with herself about the improbability of the two of them actually coming together. He was almost a hundred years old - or was it two hundred? No one seemed to know for sure. If he was looking for a relationship, he was probably thinking kids, settling down, a quiet little ancient Japanese wife. She was just a kid herself, a modern kid, no less. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life, but she didn't just want to tend a house - his or anyone else's -- for a long time. If ever. Did he even want a house? She certainly wasn't going to live in a tree, which seemed to be his favorite abode.

 

 

Their worlds were so different, especially now that they didn't share the quest for the jewel. The quest for the jewel. When she thought about it, she remembered that he had never really wanted to be with her from the start. His quest had been first for the jewel, then for Naraku, and then for Kikyo. She, Kagome, was just a convenient addition to the team to help him achieve his goals. And even though she knew they had shared a special friendship, that wasn't really the same as being his reason for the journey. His reasons were elsewhere, not with her. Now that Naraku and the jewel seemed gone, maybe it was Kikyo that had him so distracted. Maybe, her deepest doubt surfaced again, maybe he was flitting away to meet with Kikyo. Maybe he'd decided to go with her after all. To where? Did she still want him to die with her? Did he want to? This thought was very depressing so she moved on to other worries.

 

It was only a couple weeks until she had to return to school, and her mind turned to the anxieties of a schoolgirl embarking on her last year of High School. She'd have to get new clothes, new shoes, new notebooks. And maybe she'd have to get new friends too. This thought made her very sad. Miroku, Sango, Kilala and Kohaku were planning to return to the demonslayer's village and try to rebuild it, cultivating some of the fields down below for farming. She wished them well, but knew she couldn't join them. Her home had always been either the Higurashi Shrine with her family, or here with InuYasha these last few years. `Home with InuYasha' was feeling less and less likely. Maybe she would just come back for special occasions, to visit the new village.

 

Shippo and Kilala both saw how sad she was, suddenly. “That jerk!” Shippo blurted out from Kilala's back, the big cat approaching her close enough for Shippo to see a tear in Kagome's eyes as she brought water up from the lake. “Why is InuYasha being so mean to you?”

 

His words released something she hadn't known was in her. “Look, Shippo,” she said, her voice rising out of her control, “InuYasha just doesn't want a weird futuristic girl like me.” She stopped short as the meaning of these words hit her and she suddenly felt awkward, ugly and … ill fitted to this place. The tear fell and her throat closed up a little. Sango was nearby and overheard her outburst. She came over and instinctively hugged her friend. She knew exactly what was going on. She didn't know the solution, but she knew that Kagome needed the warmth of her surrogate big sister. Kagome surprised herself by completely breaking down in Sango's embrace. All the confidence in the world couldn't hold a candle to the pain of rejection.

 

InuYasha happened to return from his hunting trip at that moment, with a small boar slung over his shoulder. He walked out of the evening dusk up to Miroku who was chopping wood, awkwardly favoring his more injured leg. Kagome's cry stopped him in his tracks. Scowling a little out of habit, he said, “what the hell is wrong with her?”

 

Miroku rounded on his friend with an incredulous expression and his ax poised. “What?” InuYasha just looked at him blankly. “You idiot! You're what's wrong with her!” He grabbed the last piece of wood he'd cut and snorted. “Are you so wrapped up in yourself that you can't see you're losing her? Is that what you want?” He left a stunned half-breed behind as he walked to the fire, dropping his load and tapped Kagome's shoulder to give her a hug himself. He felt like her big brother these days and it hurt him to see her so lonely.

 

InuYasha turned and fled, his heart pounding in his ears. He'd gone hunting that afternoon to think about how to tell her about the choice he'd made - that he wanted to be with her. Miroku's words had cut through him as surely as his ax could have at that moment. Losing her? I'm losing her, before she's even mine? Just like … Kikyo!

 

**TBC**