InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Malice ❯ Into the Mind: Nayami ( Chapter 16 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
A/N: Just as a point of reference, in this chapter underline italicized type is past memories, bold type is Youkai Inuyasha speaking, and bold italicized is youkai Inuyasha thinking. Hope all that makes sense, and wanted to send GREAT thanks out to my beta, Incomprehensible, who has put in absolutely AWESOME work on this story. And as always, thanks to the readers, and those who choose to review!
Chapter 16: Into the Mind: Nayami
(Agony)
"The first thing we need to do is create the barrier. You'll still be able to see me and hear me, but you will be unable to get out of it, Inuyasha." She looked at Kagome. "You do know why we have to do it this way, right?"
Kagome looked down, then nodded her head. "Yeah. To keep you safe if he transforms, which he probably will."
"Yes. Are you sure you feel safe being with him inside the barrier?"
"I'll be all right." She glanced up at him. "He won't hurt me."
Inuyasha frowned at the priestess. "I already told you she'd be safe. What? Did you think I was lying or somethin’?"
"I just want to be sure she feels that way. It's important that she be as calm as possible, and if she had any doubts whatsoever about her safety with you, it would interrupt what we need to accomplish."
Kagome broke in before Inuyasha could respond. "I'm fine, Kikyou. I know he won't hurt me. Let's just get this over with."
Kikyou sat down on the log before the two. Closing her eyes, she reached out with her aura, quickly surrounding the two with a glowing blue barrier, anchoring it to Kagome herself. "I am anchoring the barrier to you, Kagome, just in case." With a glance at Inuyasha, she spoke again. "I don't know just what will happen if he transforms, but if he moves, you will be able to move the barrier as well so that he doesn't get hurt."
"I understand. That makes a lot of sense, actually." Kagome closed her eyes for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "What do I need to do now?" Opening her eyes, she locked gazes with Kikyou.
"Nothing. I need to meditate for a few minutes, to prepare my mind."
Kagome nodded. A sudden panicky feeling rose up within her, and Inuyasha tightened his hold on her as he felt the anxiety spike. He started a low hum-like sound in his chest, like he had the day before when he was trying to calm her, hoping it would work again.
She clenched her hands tightly into his haori and lifted wide, frightened eyes to look at Kikyou. "Do we really have to do this? Isn't there any other way?" Tears gathered in her eyes as Kikyou shook her head sadly.
Kikyou let her aura wash over the girl soothingly one more time, and that, combined with Inuyasha's steady rumble, finally managed to calm the panicking young woman. Sighing, Kagome let the tension drain out of her, as acceptance of the situation filtered through her.
Lifting her head, she sighed again, then spoke. "I'm sorry. I guess it's lucky you can do that calming thing, Kikyou. And Inuyasha's purring, too, otherwise, I don't think I'd ever be calm enough to allow this."
Inuyasha snorted. "I don't purr, wench. I growl. Get it right." It was his turn to sigh. "And don't feel bad - I'm barely managing to sit here and not run screaming off into the trees myself."
Kagome's eyes widened in surprise. For Inuyasha to be openly admitting fear--! In all the time she had known him, he'd never admitted fear of anything, and in that instant, she knew just how deeply this situation affected him, and her guilt grew exponentially.
It really is all my fault - if I had only been able to defend myself, this would never be happening now. Hatred surged through her, hatred for Naraku, and most especially hatred for herself.
My hands are tied - I have no choice but to do this, but at the least, I can meet this test with courage. It's my fault Inuyasha has to go through this, so I will do this, no matter how much I hate it.
Taking a deep breath, Kagome straightened her posture as much as she was able while being held so tightly, and met Kikyou's gaze head on.
"I'm ready."
Kikyou nodded, impressed with the younger woman’s courage. She had cleared her mind while the two had spoken together, looking up just as Kagome's back had stiffened. Barrier is in place, mind is cleared, and it’s time to get started. No turning back now.
Inuyasha flinched slightly, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that he would be eased into this and not thrown in at the deep end. Apparently, that was the plan, as the first visions to hit his mind were of the aftermath of him taking his leave to search for Kikyou.
He watched as he, himself, walked up to her, wanting her permission to go - her acceptance of his need to find Kikyou. Heard the words he said to her, even saw the things she saw.
Even more damning, he heard her thoughts.
'Something... something doesn't feel right inside me anymore. As if... there's some part of me that's dead. I'd go home while he's gone, but there's no comfort for me there, really, there's no comfort anywhere anymore.'
But the most damning thing of all was that he felt her emotions, and it made him feel sick. He could feel her confusion, her pain and sorrow - her need to understand followed by the fear that she already did understand: her fear that he loved Kikyou and that she herself was merely a useful copy.
More things flashed by, then the scene just after he took his leave when they chose to continue the search instead of returning to the village as he'd ordered. It humbled him - while he had his own score to settle with Naraku, so did the others, and he'd really had no right to demand that they stop the search just so he could chase more rumors.
Miroku had made a valid point when he'd said what he had about the whole thing.
"I agree, Kagome. Inuyasha must do what he thinks best, but we all have our own reasons for wanting to destroy Naraku, and I, for one, would rather continue on than stop and possibly let him get away again."
More memories flashed by, small scenes of the rest of the day, followed by the first night after he'd gone. He watched as Kagome sat and looked out at the night, heard her thoughts, her worries about the distance she'd lately felt between her heart and her soul, and what it all meant, and continued to watch as Sango came and tried to defend him and his actions to Kagome.
Kagome watched all the same things Inuyasha was seeing, and she could feel his emotional response to what was happening. It wasn't pleasant, having to sit and feel him go through her memories, but it was partly his actions that had helped this mess along, and there was nothing she could do about it.
She hated being bared to him this way - it really was like being raped all over again, and she suddenly realised why women who had been attacked in this way did not like to report it: going through a trial was like being assaulted twice. I never really understood that before, but I sure as hell do now.
One memory hit him hard - her talking about her feelings:
"About what, Sango? Inuyasha? What's the point?" She sighed then, a deep, poignant sound that told more than any words ever could of her heartache. "It's not like it's the first time, you know that. He cares for her, so he searches for her. That's just the way it is."
Sango leaned forward, touching Kagome's hand softly. "But you know he cares for you, too. You know he does - we all do."
She lifted her gaze back to the sky for a moment, then closed her eyes and dropped her head.
"Perhaps. But not the way that I need him to. Not the way I want him to." Delicate fingers plucked a blade of grass, twirling it back and forth. "I'm trapped, Sango. Just as if I were pinned by a sacred arrow to a tree, I'm pinned through the heart to a beautiful, wild hanyou - one that doesn't want me that way."
His heart cried out at that last part, the imagery contained within that statement hit him in the deepest part of his soul. The thought of Kagome being pinned to anything being just about more than he could stand. His youki was swirling dangerously, and the worst was still to come.
New images made their way into his consciousness, memories of the beginning of that day, and now fear ran rampant within his mind. He could already feel the agony that lay within at just the knowledge of what had been done to her and the thought of soon seeing it was making him physically ill with fear, hatred, rage and horror.
Kagome felt the level of fear from Inuyasha intensify, she knew they were coming to the memories of the day her whole life had changed. She felt no fear at this, only shame. After this, she knew - she knew - that Inuyasha would finally understand why he could never claim her. He would see her taint, would finally accept that she was unworthy of him, indeed, she was unworthy of anyone.
Her heart broke all over again, and it was all she could do not to back out of this and shut down her mind permanently. She could not bear to see how he would look at her after this was all over.
Kikyou watched quietly, the only thing being required of her was the actual opening of the memories to Inuyasha, and now she was merely a spectator.
She could see the affect all of it was having on the hanyou, and was glad he'd known to have her put up a barrier to protect herself. She didn't envy Kagome being inside at all - indeed, surely the whole thing was highly physically uncomfortable as well as mentally for the young woman, as Inuyasha had such a tight hold on her that any tighter and he'd break skin.
Kagome, if she could have spoken, could have easily alleviated Kikyou's concerns, since the mental part of things was so supremely overwhelming, that she didn't even feel his hold on her body anymore. She stiffened as more memories poured out of her, memories of bitterness and feelings of betrayal.
"Sango, Miroku, stay close. We need to stay together. Something's out there."
"What is it, Kagome? Do you sense something?"
"Powerful youki."
"I know we decided to keep searching for Naraku but I don't like this, Kagome. Kirara, maybe you should take me down. Someone should stay on the ground with Kagome, Inuyasha will kill us if something happens to h-"
"No. Inuyasha has nothing to say. If something happens to me, it's my own fault. You are not responsible. And if he doesn't like that, it's too bad. It's not like he's here to defend me, so he can hardly blame anyone else for his own failure. He vowed protection to me, you guys didn't. It's not your fault that he decided that he'd chosen to protect the wrong woman, and chose to rectify that mistake now."
Inuyasha stiffened and then slumped as he watched that exchange, his mind crying out to stop the torture, because it was all the truth. He had run off, and he couldn't lay the blame for what happened on anyone else but himself. He could feel his blood beginning to boil.
Kagome began moving, heading down the road once more. "Let's try to get off this mountain and down into the open terrain below us. I'd rather have room to maneuver if we're gonna have to deal with him."
Miroku dismounted from Kirara and followed after Kagome. "Wait, Kagome! Don't get too far ahead; aren't you the one that said to stay together? Kagome, get ba-" he jumped back with a muffled curse, falling to the ground in shock.
Because one moment, Kagome was there, and the next, she wasn’t. She was just gone.
He could feel the shock as Kagome tried to breathe around the horror of Naraku actually touching her.
It burned, leaving her gasping for breath, taking everything she had to keep from screaming. He could feel the burn, the pain of Naraku's flesh touching hers, and he almost choked on his own bile at the horror of it.
Kagome struggled to breathe. She could feel his arms around her, and it brought back a memory, a memory of watching helplessly as Kikyou was carried off by Naraku, of seeing the anguish in Inuyasha's eyes. 'At least Kikyou was unconscious,' she thought bitterly. 'I wish I was, Gods, I wish I was.’ She shivered in revulsion, skin crawling at every place that his body touched hers. She felt violated.
Even at that time, with all the horror going through her mind, she was still thinking of others! Even if the main emotion at the point had been bitterness, it had been on both of their behalves; her own and Kikyou's.
Guilt was eating at him, he just knew that by the time this was all over, there would only be fragments of him left, because there was just no way he could survive this intact. No way.
She could feel him looking down at her, and refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing the fear and revulsion in her eyes. He would enjoy that, she knew. ‘If I can't fight him physically, I'll fight him spiritually. I cannot let him win! I won't!’
Kagome began to laugh as that memory surfaced – a sick, hollow, hateful laugh.
How naive! I thought I would fight him, what a laugh!
She could feel the poison in her soul now, bubbling, eating at her, slowly festering and destroying who she had once been, and looking back, she found that she barely recognized herself now. She was losing who she was beneath Naraku's taint, in that, Kikyou was correct.
"So, Kagome, beloved." He smirked at the shock on her face when she heard what he'd called her. Gesturing around him, he asked, "Do you recognize this place, beloved?" He deliberately said it again, smiling wider at her expression.
"What’s your game this time, Naraku?" She forced herself to stand tall, refusing to back down. "And I thought it was Kikyou you considered your 'beloved'. Poor woman."
Naraku laughed outright. "You didn't answer my question, Kagome. Do you recognize this place?"
As Kagome looked around the place, Inuyasha's heart stopped in his chest, and he threw back his head and howled out his anguish to the uncaring skies, because he'd immediately recognized the area: this is where Urasue had lived and where she'd created the clay body of Kikyou, almost succeeding in stealing Kagome's entire soul - but only because he had called out her name.
He knew the sick reason that Naraku had taken Kagome there, he got the message Naraku had been sending to Kagome as soon as he'd caught where he'd taken her.
Look, see this place? Do you understand why Inuyasha isn't here to save you? It's because of what, of who, happened here. Kikyou. The moment she was brought back, the seeds of this day were planted, and it was only a matter of time 'til he betrayed his promise to protect you because of her.
That was the message Naraku was sending, and Inuyasha got it loud and clear.
She looked around, feeling a cold chill when she finally realized where he'd brought her. Pain and sadness combined in her heart, and she felt sick at the bitterness that swelled inside her. Grimly, she fought it down.
"Yes, I do, as I'm sure you knew I would, or you wouldn't have brought me here. And you still haven't answered my question, Naraku. What's with the whole 'beloved' thing? I'm not Kikyou, you know. I'd have expected you at least to know the difference, even if Inuyasha hasn't figured it out yet."
We have betrayed her so many times, both of us, how do either of us have the right to live? That she could still believe he saw her as merely a copy of Kikyou was galling to him, and his youkai howled again.
We left mate.
"Already feeling bitterness towards him, beloved? Good. Very good. And why shouldn't you? He deserves it." Turning and looking around him, he smiled at her. "Urasue's old home. I bet this brings back memories. If only the sorceress had left well enough alone, hm? Things might have been different for you. But as it is...."
Walking towards the stone tub that she'd lain in as her soul was ripped from her; Naraku reached its side and stood, gazing thoughtfully down into it. "You are wrong. Kikyou is not, nor ever was, my beloved. Onigumo was enamored with her, not me." He looked at her then, watching as her eyes darkened and her hatred swelled.
"I am, unfortunately, still a hanyou. The human core of what I am, desired Kikyou, but the youkai side of what I have become...." he grinned, and it sent shivers of fear down her spine, "–that side wants you."
Screaming now, Inuyasha was totally caught up in the memory of another time. His youkai finally struggled to the surface, completely wiping out his normal hanyou attributes as it fought its way out.
He clasped Kagome to him tightly, almost making it impossible for her to breathe, burying his face in her neck, trying to take in her scent and prove to himself that she was still there, still safe, as he continued to be bombarded with the horrible visions.
Kikyou looked on in fear and awe – Inuyasha was completely controlled by his youkai side now, and she was fascinated as well as horrified.
He has crests! I never knew - back then, if he'd transformed, I'd have known he had royal blood. I'd have died immediately, however. Not really worth the knowing.
Kagome almost couldn't fathom what he was saying to her, it was too much horror to comprehend. He couldn't mean what she thought he meant. He couldn't! ‘Please, Gods, he didn't mean that...!’
She almost sobbed at the sadistic look of pleasure he gave her as he realized that she had caught what he was saying. No, oh no...!
Her soul was already screaming as he moved towards her, and she knew that nothing would ever be alright again, because this time there was no Inuyasha to save her.
Inuyasha had left her.
Kikyou was jerked out of her thoughts by a feral scream unlike anything she had ever heard before, and knew that they had to have reached the memories of the actual attack. Her heart jumped into her throat as Inuyasha leapt up, still cradling Kagome close to his chest, and roared his agony to the sky.
Even worse, she could see Kagome's body go limp in his arms, and knew that the girl was a hands-breadth away from giving up her soul. And all she could do was watch, and hope that both would pull through.
In that moment, Kikyou felt more helpless than she ever had in her entire life.
Inuyasha could see it, see all of it, in his mind’s eye: he could feel the pain that wracked her body as Naraku thrust his way into her, tearing her insides and making her bleed, feel the pain as he scored her limbs and torso to make her bleed more, he could even feel the texture of her skin, its soft glory covered obscenely by blood, he could smell her blood, copious amounts of it, and his youki swirled around him, demanding a blood sacrifice in turn to assuage the crime of Naraku, the crime he had committed against Inuyasha's mate.
No one should have touched her that way but me! She is mine!
He fought to re-claim his mind from his youkai blood, knowing he had to hold on, for her sake, but still being bombarded by sights that he never should have had to see.
"Well, beloved," he sneered, "it's time to get up." He threw her clothes at her. "Wash yourself and get dressed. We have places to be."
She sat up, looking down and reached for the clothes he'd thrown her, staring at them as if she had never seen clothes before.
Glancing around absently, she saw the tub with water and slowly washed the blood from her body before picking the clothes up again. Pulling them to her, she slowly dressed herself, thinking distantly that they didn't seem to help – she still felt just as cold as she had when she was naked. Kagome felt a thought in her mind, one that seemed determined to break through the shell of numbness, and she fought it with a whimper, she didn't want to think, didn't want to remember anything.
Finally finished dressing, she simply stood there, unable to care enough about anything to even flinch when he grabbed her, carrying her away from this place. She didn't even care where he was taking her.
She was frozen, and she didn't care, past, present, and future, all could disappear, and she still wouldn't care. She opened her arms wide to the darkness that finally came and swept her away.
This was the day his saiai, his love, the mate of his heart, had died, and it was all his fault. He had left her, left her open to attack, while he chased down another female. As far as his youkai was concerned, it was the worst sort of betrayal; it would have been no worse if he'd actually bedded Kikyou. Some things in the youkai world were unforgivable, and this was one of them.
You did not abandon your mate for any reason.
The fact that he had enraged the youkai blood within him, if it weren't for the fact that she still needed him, he'd have committed seppuku right then and there; his youkai blood had never hated his human side more than it did right at that moment.
Gently, he laid her on the ground at his feet, and then crouched over her in a protective stance, before looking up at Kikyou.
"You are the female, the human we went to find, leaving our mate unprotected. Why?"
Kikyou was astounded. From the way the others had spoken about Inuyasha when he transformed, she had assumed he was a mindless killing machine. She definitely hadn’t expected this.
“This” being a deep, husky voice that was currently sending shivers down her spine as he asked her questions she didn't want to have to get into.
"Answer me, bitch! Who are you, and why did we leave our mate to find you?"
"You felt that you owed me a blood debt, Inuyasha, and you came looking for me when the same one who hurt Kagome told you he had killed me." She hoped that her answer wouldn't enrage him any further, and that he didn't probe too far into the circumstances of their shared past.
No such luck.
Inuyasha considered the words of the woman in front of him. Taking a tentative sniff in her direction, he caught her scent, and graveyard smell aside, he snarled as he recognized the other part of her scent.
"You lie, woman! I know your scent! You are the one who wanted to destroy me many winters ago. How do I owe you blood debt? You should owe me blood debt!"
He was angered at the duplicity of this female, and not happy at all with the fact that she was here, so close to his mate – especially when she was unconscious and vulnerable.
"Inuyasha, I will not deny that I wanted you to become human, and I was wrong for that. Do you not remember anything else? It was Naraku who made us think we had betrayed each other, but that was a long time ago, you are right. Now he has attacked your mate, attempting to once again sow hatred among those who would seek him and destroy him. I am no longer your enemy, and I am definitely not the enemy of your mate."
She hoped this would satisfy the youkai, but if it didn't, they would just have to wait 'til Kagome awoke and could calm him back to his hanyou state.
He watched her warily, before looking around himself.
"If that is so, then why have you trapped us within this barrier?"
"This was your idea, Inuyasha. You knew that what you were going to see would overwhelm your control and send you into your youkai state, and you feared the damage you would do to your friends and I while in that state. This was your way of protecting all of us."
"Naraku. This is the name of the one that attacked my mate and caused her hurt?"
Kikyou nodded. "Yes. We all hunt him – he has harmed many, not just your mate, although the injury he has done her is the most personal and grievous."
Inuyasha grunted, looking thoughtful, he pulled himself out of his protective crouch and sat down, grabbing Kagome and pulling her into his lap.
"This debt you say we felt we owed to you. What is it?"
"You felt that you had to protect me from Naraku, since he had already killed me once. So you swore your protection, and you came looking for me to make sure that Naraku had not killed me again as he had claimed."
Inuyasha tilted his head and frowned, looking at her suspiciously.
"Why would I make such a vow, when my protection should go to my mate above all?"
"She was not your mate when this happened, Inuyasha. You already knew her, and traveled with her, but you were not mates. In fact, you still are not fully mated yet, you have achieved the bonding, but not the mating."
"We are aware of this, but that means nothing. She is still our mate, and if it were not for the fact that she lives and needs my/our protection, we would be bound to commit seppuku by youkai law for betraying the mate bond. Even if we had an obligation to you, why did we not bring our mate with us to find you? Have you threatened her?"
Damn! It figures he'd ask me something like that, and if I lie to him, he'll smell it.
"Yes. Once – long ago." As he began to growl again, Kikyou held up both hands, palms out. "But that was long ago, and I have no intentions of harming her any longer. Our only enemy is Naraku." She watched as he considered her words, unsure how to deal with this. The youkai side of Inuyasha was showing great rage, but controlling it, and asking questions, trying to understand what was happening.
I wish Kagome would wake up.
She seems to speak the truth, but we cannot trust her too far.
He shook his head with a whine as the images that had come into his mind from his mate flashed across the insides of his eyelids again. It felt like lightening flashing through his veins, burning from his heart through every part of his body: he was overloading on pain, the pain of his mate and the pain that lived inside him because he'd let her get hurt.
With a mournful howl, he nuzzled his mate once again, ignoring the other woman.
If she never forgives us, we will deserve it. Ears flattened to his head in complete dejection, Inuyasha whined again and nudged her with his nose, trying to get her to respond to him. Please, mate, wake up, come back to us – we know we do not deserve you, but please, come back.
Kikyou watched as the youkai that had replaced Inuyasha cried, astonished. She could barely believe what she was seeing.
He was full youkai. And he was crying.
Everything she'd ever been taught about youkai came tumbling down around her.
He was crying.
Chapter 16: Into the Mind: Nayami
(Agony)
"The first thing we need to do is create the barrier. You'll still be able to see me and hear me, but you will be unable to get out of it, Inuyasha." She looked at Kagome. "You do know why we have to do it this way, right?"
Kagome looked down, then nodded her head. "Yeah. To keep you safe if he transforms, which he probably will."
"Yes. Are you sure you feel safe being with him inside the barrier?"
"I'll be all right." She glanced up at him. "He won't hurt me."
Inuyasha frowned at the priestess. "I already told you she'd be safe. What? Did you think I was lying or somethin’?"
"I just want to be sure she feels that way. It's important that she be as calm as possible, and if she had any doubts whatsoever about her safety with you, it would interrupt what we need to accomplish."
Kagome broke in before Inuyasha could respond. "I'm fine, Kikyou. I know he won't hurt me. Let's just get this over with."
Kikyou sat down on the log before the two. Closing her eyes, she reached out with her aura, quickly surrounding the two with a glowing blue barrier, anchoring it to Kagome herself. "I am anchoring the barrier to you, Kagome, just in case." With a glance at Inuyasha, she spoke again. "I don't know just what will happen if he transforms, but if he moves, you will be able to move the barrier as well so that he doesn't get hurt."
"I understand. That makes a lot of sense, actually." Kagome closed her eyes for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "What do I need to do now?" Opening her eyes, she locked gazes with Kikyou.
"Nothing. I need to meditate for a few minutes, to prepare my mind."
Kagome nodded. A sudden panicky feeling rose up within her, and Inuyasha tightened his hold on her as he felt the anxiety spike. He started a low hum-like sound in his chest, like he had the day before when he was trying to calm her, hoping it would work again.
She clenched her hands tightly into his haori and lifted wide, frightened eyes to look at Kikyou. "Do we really have to do this? Isn't there any other way?" Tears gathered in her eyes as Kikyou shook her head sadly.
Kikyou let her aura wash over the girl soothingly one more time, and that, combined with Inuyasha's steady rumble, finally managed to calm the panicking young woman. Sighing, Kagome let the tension drain out of her, as acceptance of the situation filtered through her.
Lifting her head, she sighed again, then spoke. "I'm sorry. I guess it's lucky you can do that calming thing, Kikyou. And Inuyasha's purring, too, otherwise, I don't think I'd ever be calm enough to allow this."
Inuyasha snorted. "I don't purr, wench. I growl. Get it right." It was his turn to sigh. "And don't feel bad - I'm barely managing to sit here and not run screaming off into the trees myself."
Kagome's eyes widened in surprise. For Inuyasha to be openly admitting fear--! In all the time she had known him, he'd never admitted fear of anything, and in that instant, she knew just how deeply this situation affected him, and her guilt grew exponentially.
It really is all my fault - if I had only been able to defend myself, this would never be happening now. Hatred surged through her, hatred for Naraku, and most especially hatred for herself.
My hands are tied - I have no choice but to do this, but at the least, I can meet this test with courage. It's my fault Inuyasha has to go through this, so I will do this, no matter how much I hate it.
Taking a deep breath, Kagome straightened her posture as much as she was able while being held so tightly, and met Kikyou's gaze head on.
"I'm ready."
Kikyou nodded, impressed with the younger woman’s courage. She had cleared her mind while the two had spoken together, looking up just as Kagome's back had stiffened. Barrier is in place, mind is cleared, and it’s time to get started. No turning back now.
Inuyasha flinched slightly, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that he would be eased into this and not thrown in at the deep end. Apparently, that was the plan, as the first visions to hit his mind were of the aftermath of him taking his leave to search for Kikyou.
He watched as he, himself, walked up to her, wanting her permission to go - her acceptance of his need to find Kikyou. Heard the words he said to her, even saw the things she saw.
Even more damning, he heard her thoughts.
'Something... something doesn't feel right inside me anymore. As if... there's some part of me that's dead. I'd go home while he's gone, but there's no comfort for me there, really, there's no comfort anywhere anymore.'
But the most damning thing of all was that he felt her emotions, and it made him feel sick. He could feel her confusion, her pain and sorrow - her need to understand followed by the fear that she already did understand: her fear that he loved Kikyou and that she herself was merely a useful copy.
More things flashed by, then the scene just after he took his leave when they chose to continue the search instead of returning to the village as he'd ordered. It humbled him - while he had his own score to settle with Naraku, so did the others, and he'd really had no right to demand that they stop the search just so he could chase more rumors.
Miroku had made a valid point when he'd said what he had about the whole thing.
"I agree, Kagome. Inuyasha must do what he thinks best, but we all have our own reasons for wanting to destroy Naraku, and I, for one, would rather continue on than stop and possibly let him get away again."
More memories flashed by, small scenes of the rest of the day, followed by the first night after he'd gone. He watched as Kagome sat and looked out at the night, heard her thoughts, her worries about the distance she'd lately felt between her heart and her soul, and what it all meant, and continued to watch as Sango came and tried to defend him and his actions to Kagome.
Kagome watched all the same things Inuyasha was seeing, and she could feel his emotional response to what was happening. It wasn't pleasant, having to sit and feel him go through her memories, but it was partly his actions that had helped this mess along, and there was nothing she could do about it.
She hated being bared to him this way - it really was like being raped all over again, and she suddenly realised why women who had been attacked in this way did not like to report it: going through a trial was like being assaulted twice. I never really understood that before, but I sure as hell do now.
One memory hit him hard - her talking about her feelings:
"About what, Sango? Inuyasha? What's the point?" She sighed then, a deep, poignant sound that told more than any words ever could of her heartache. "It's not like it's the first time, you know that. He cares for her, so he searches for her. That's just the way it is."
Sango leaned forward, touching Kagome's hand softly. "But you know he cares for you, too. You know he does - we all do."
She lifted her gaze back to the sky for a moment, then closed her eyes and dropped her head.
"Perhaps. But not the way that I need him to. Not the way I want him to." Delicate fingers plucked a blade of grass, twirling it back and forth. "I'm trapped, Sango. Just as if I were pinned by a sacred arrow to a tree, I'm pinned through the heart to a beautiful, wild hanyou - one that doesn't want me that way."
His heart cried out at that last part, the imagery contained within that statement hit him in the deepest part of his soul. The thought of Kagome being pinned to anything being just about more than he could stand. His youki was swirling dangerously, and the worst was still to come.
New images made their way into his consciousness, memories of the beginning of that day, and now fear ran rampant within his mind. He could already feel the agony that lay within at just the knowledge of what had been done to her and the thought of soon seeing it was making him physically ill with fear, hatred, rage and horror.
Kagome felt the level of fear from Inuyasha intensify, she knew they were coming to the memories of the day her whole life had changed. She felt no fear at this, only shame. After this, she knew - she knew - that Inuyasha would finally understand why he could never claim her. He would see her taint, would finally accept that she was unworthy of him, indeed, she was unworthy of anyone.
Her heart broke all over again, and it was all she could do not to back out of this and shut down her mind permanently. She could not bear to see how he would look at her after this was all over.
Kikyou watched quietly, the only thing being required of her was the actual opening of the memories to Inuyasha, and now she was merely a spectator.
She could see the affect all of it was having on the hanyou, and was glad he'd known to have her put up a barrier to protect herself. She didn't envy Kagome being inside at all - indeed, surely the whole thing was highly physically uncomfortable as well as mentally for the young woman, as Inuyasha had such a tight hold on her that any tighter and he'd break skin.
Kagome, if she could have spoken, could have easily alleviated Kikyou's concerns, since the mental part of things was so supremely overwhelming, that she didn't even feel his hold on her body anymore. She stiffened as more memories poured out of her, memories of bitterness and feelings of betrayal.
"Sango, Miroku, stay close. We need to stay together. Something's out there."
"What is it, Kagome? Do you sense something?"
"Powerful youki."
"I know we decided to keep searching for Naraku but I don't like this, Kagome. Kirara, maybe you should take me down. Someone should stay on the ground with Kagome, Inuyasha will kill us if something happens to h-"
"No. Inuyasha has nothing to say. If something happens to me, it's my own fault. You are not responsible. And if he doesn't like that, it's too bad. It's not like he's here to defend me, so he can hardly blame anyone else for his own failure. He vowed protection to me, you guys didn't. It's not your fault that he decided that he'd chosen to protect the wrong woman, and chose to rectify that mistake now."
Inuyasha stiffened and then slumped as he watched that exchange, his mind crying out to stop the torture, because it was all the truth. He had run off, and he couldn't lay the blame for what happened on anyone else but himself. He could feel his blood beginning to boil.
Kagome began moving, heading down the road once more. "Let's try to get off this mountain and down into the open terrain below us. I'd rather have room to maneuver if we're gonna have to deal with him."
Miroku dismounted from Kirara and followed after Kagome. "Wait, Kagome! Don't get too far ahead; aren't you the one that said to stay together? Kagome, get ba-" he jumped back with a muffled curse, falling to the ground in shock.
Because one moment, Kagome was there, and the next, she wasn’t. She was just gone.
He could feel the shock as Kagome tried to breathe around the horror of Naraku actually touching her.
It burned, leaving her gasping for breath, taking everything she had to keep from screaming. He could feel the burn, the pain of Naraku's flesh touching hers, and he almost choked on his own bile at the horror of it.
Kagome struggled to breathe. She could feel his arms around her, and it brought back a memory, a memory of watching helplessly as Kikyou was carried off by Naraku, of seeing the anguish in Inuyasha's eyes. 'At least Kikyou was unconscious,' she thought bitterly. 'I wish I was, Gods, I wish I was.’ She shivered in revulsion, skin crawling at every place that his body touched hers. She felt violated.
Even at that time, with all the horror going through her mind, she was still thinking of others! Even if the main emotion at the point had been bitterness, it had been on both of their behalves; her own and Kikyou's.
Guilt was eating at him, he just knew that by the time this was all over, there would only be fragments of him left, because there was just no way he could survive this intact. No way.
She could feel him looking down at her, and refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing the fear and revulsion in her eyes. He would enjoy that, she knew. ‘If I can't fight him physically, I'll fight him spiritually. I cannot let him win! I won't!’
Kagome began to laugh as that memory surfaced – a sick, hollow, hateful laugh.
How naive! I thought I would fight him, what a laugh!
She could feel the poison in her soul now, bubbling, eating at her, slowly festering and destroying who she had once been, and looking back, she found that she barely recognized herself now. She was losing who she was beneath Naraku's taint, in that, Kikyou was correct.
"So, Kagome, beloved." He smirked at the shock on her face when she heard what he'd called her. Gesturing around him, he asked, "Do you recognize this place, beloved?" He deliberately said it again, smiling wider at her expression.
"What’s your game this time, Naraku?" She forced herself to stand tall, refusing to back down. "And I thought it was Kikyou you considered your 'beloved'. Poor woman."
Naraku laughed outright. "You didn't answer my question, Kagome. Do you recognize this place?"
As Kagome looked around the place, Inuyasha's heart stopped in his chest, and he threw back his head and howled out his anguish to the uncaring skies, because he'd immediately recognized the area: this is where Urasue had lived and where she'd created the clay body of Kikyou, almost succeeding in stealing Kagome's entire soul - but only because he had called out her name.
He knew the sick reason that Naraku had taken Kagome there, he got the message Naraku had been sending to Kagome as soon as he'd caught where he'd taken her.
Look, see this place? Do you understand why Inuyasha isn't here to save you? It's because of what, of who, happened here. Kikyou. The moment she was brought back, the seeds of this day were planted, and it was only a matter of time 'til he betrayed his promise to protect you because of her.
That was the message Naraku was sending, and Inuyasha got it loud and clear.
She looked around, feeling a cold chill when she finally realized where he'd brought her. Pain and sadness combined in her heart, and she felt sick at the bitterness that swelled inside her. Grimly, she fought it down.
"Yes, I do, as I'm sure you knew I would, or you wouldn't have brought me here. And you still haven't answered my question, Naraku. What's with the whole 'beloved' thing? I'm not Kikyou, you know. I'd have expected you at least to know the difference, even if Inuyasha hasn't figured it out yet."
We have betrayed her so many times, both of us, how do either of us have the right to live? That she could still believe he saw her as merely a copy of Kikyou was galling to him, and his youkai howled again.
We left mate.
"Already feeling bitterness towards him, beloved? Good. Very good. And why shouldn't you? He deserves it." Turning and looking around him, he smiled at her. "Urasue's old home. I bet this brings back memories. If only the sorceress had left well enough alone, hm? Things might have been different for you. But as it is...."
Walking towards the stone tub that she'd lain in as her soul was ripped from her; Naraku reached its side and stood, gazing thoughtfully down into it. "You are wrong. Kikyou is not, nor ever was, my beloved. Onigumo was enamored with her, not me." He looked at her then, watching as her eyes darkened and her hatred swelled.
"I am, unfortunately, still a hanyou. The human core of what I am, desired Kikyou, but the youkai side of what I have become...." he grinned, and it sent shivers of fear down her spine, "–that side wants you."
Screaming now, Inuyasha was totally caught up in the memory of another time. His youkai finally struggled to the surface, completely wiping out his normal hanyou attributes as it fought its way out.
He clasped Kagome to him tightly, almost making it impossible for her to breathe, burying his face in her neck, trying to take in her scent and prove to himself that she was still there, still safe, as he continued to be bombarded with the horrible visions.
Kikyou looked on in fear and awe – Inuyasha was completely controlled by his youkai side now, and she was fascinated as well as horrified.
He has crests! I never knew - back then, if he'd transformed, I'd have known he had royal blood. I'd have died immediately, however. Not really worth the knowing.
Kagome almost couldn't fathom what he was saying to her, it was too much horror to comprehend. He couldn't mean what she thought he meant. He couldn't! ‘Please, Gods, he didn't mean that...!’
She almost sobbed at the sadistic look of pleasure he gave her as he realized that she had caught what he was saying. No, oh no...!
Her soul was already screaming as he moved towards her, and she knew that nothing would ever be alright again, because this time there was no Inuyasha to save her.
Inuyasha had left her.
Kikyou was jerked out of her thoughts by a feral scream unlike anything she had ever heard before, and knew that they had to have reached the memories of the actual attack. Her heart jumped into her throat as Inuyasha leapt up, still cradling Kagome close to his chest, and roared his agony to the sky.
Even worse, she could see Kagome's body go limp in his arms, and knew that the girl was a hands-breadth away from giving up her soul. And all she could do was watch, and hope that both would pull through.
In that moment, Kikyou felt more helpless than she ever had in her entire life.
Inuyasha could see it, see all of it, in his mind’s eye: he could feel the pain that wracked her body as Naraku thrust his way into her, tearing her insides and making her bleed, feel the pain as he scored her limbs and torso to make her bleed more, he could even feel the texture of her skin, its soft glory covered obscenely by blood, he could smell her blood, copious amounts of it, and his youki swirled around him, demanding a blood sacrifice in turn to assuage the crime of Naraku, the crime he had committed against Inuyasha's mate.
No one should have touched her that way but me! She is mine!
He fought to re-claim his mind from his youkai blood, knowing he had to hold on, for her sake, but still being bombarded by sights that he never should have had to see.
"Well, beloved," he sneered, "it's time to get up." He threw her clothes at her. "Wash yourself and get dressed. We have places to be."
She sat up, looking down and reached for the clothes he'd thrown her, staring at them as if she had never seen clothes before.
Glancing around absently, she saw the tub with water and slowly washed the blood from her body before picking the clothes up again. Pulling them to her, she slowly dressed herself, thinking distantly that they didn't seem to help – she still felt just as cold as she had when she was naked. Kagome felt a thought in her mind, one that seemed determined to break through the shell of numbness, and she fought it with a whimper, she didn't want to think, didn't want to remember anything.
Finally finished dressing, she simply stood there, unable to care enough about anything to even flinch when he grabbed her, carrying her away from this place. She didn't even care where he was taking her.
She was frozen, and she didn't care, past, present, and future, all could disappear, and she still wouldn't care. She opened her arms wide to the darkness that finally came and swept her away.
This was the day his saiai, his love, the mate of his heart, had died, and it was all his fault. He had left her, left her open to attack, while he chased down another female. As far as his youkai was concerned, it was the worst sort of betrayal; it would have been no worse if he'd actually bedded Kikyou. Some things in the youkai world were unforgivable, and this was one of them.
You did not abandon your mate for any reason.
The fact that he had enraged the youkai blood within him, if it weren't for the fact that she still needed him, he'd have committed seppuku right then and there; his youkai blood had never hated his human side more than it did right at that moment.
Gently, he laid her on the ground at his feet, and then crouched over her in a protective stance, before looking up at Kikyou.
"You are the female, the human we went to find, leaving our mate unprotected. Why?"
Kikyou was astounded. From the way the others had spoken about Inuyasha when he transformed, she had assumed he was a mindless killing machine. She definitely hadn’t expected this.
“This” being a deep, husky voice that was currently sending shivers down her spine as he asked her questions she didn't want to have to get into.
"Answer me, bitch! Who are you, and why did we leave our mate to find you?"
"You felt that you owed me a blood debt, Inuyasha, and you came looking for me when the same one who hurt Kagome told you he had killed me." She hoped that her answer wouldn't enrage him any further, and that he didn't probe too far into the circumstances of their shared past.
No such luck.
Inuyasha considered the words of the woman in front of him. Taking a tentative sniff in her direction, he caught her scent, and graveyard smell aside, he snarled as he recognized the other part of her scent.
"You lie, woman! I know your scent! You are the one who wanted to destroy me many winters ago. How do I owe you blood debt? You should owe me blood debt!"
He was angered at the duplicity of this female, and not happy at all with the fact that she was here, so close to his mate – especially when she was unconscious and vulnerable.
"Inuyasha, I will not deny that I wanted you to become human, and I was wrong for that. Do you not remember anything else? It was Naraku who made us think we had betrayed each other, but that was a long time ago, you are right. Now he has attacked your mate, attempting to once again sow hatred among those who would seek him and destroy him. I am no longer your enemy, and I am definitely not the enemy of your mate."
She hoped this would satisfy the youkai, but if it didn't, they would just have to wait 'til Kagome awoke and could calm him back to his hanyou state.
He watched her warily, before looking around himself.
"If that is so, then why have you trapped us within this barrier?"
"This was your idea, Inuyasha. You knew that what you were going to see would overwhelm your control and send you into your youkai state, and you feared the damage you would do to your friends and I while in that state. This was your way of protecting all of us."
"Naraku. This is the name of the one that attacked my mate and caused her hurt?"
Kikyou nodded. "Yes. We all hunt him – he has harmed many, not just your mate, although the injury he has done her is the most personal and grievous."
Inuyasha grunted, looking thoughtful, he pulled himself out of his protective crouch and sat down, grabbing Kagome and pulling her into his lap.
"This debt you say we felt we owed to you. What is it?"
"You felt that you had to protect me from Naraku, since he had already killed me once. So you swore your protection, and you came looking for me to make sure that Naraku had not killed me again as he had claimed."
Inuyasha tilted his head and frowned, looking at her suspiciously.
"Why would I make such a vow, when my protection should go to my mate above all?"
"She was not your mate when this happened, Inuyasha. You already knew her, and traveled with her, but you were not mates. In fact, you still are not fully mated yet, you have achieved the bonding, but not the mating."
"We are aware of this, but that means nothing. She is still our mate, and if it were not for the fact that she lives and needs my/our protection, we would be bound to commit seppuku by youkai law for betraying the mate bond. Even if we had an obligation to you, why did we not bring our mate with us to find you? Have you threatened her?"
Damn! It figures he'd ask me something like that, and if I lie to him, he'll smell it.
"Yes. Once – long ago." As he began to growl again, Kikyou held up both hands, palms out. "But that was long ago, and I have no intentions of harming her any longer. Our only enemy is Naraku." She watched as he considered her words, unsure how to deal with this. The youkai side of Inuyasha was showing great rage, but controlling it, and asking questions, trying to understand what was happening.
I wish Kagome would wake up.
She seems to speak the truth, but we cannot trust her too far.
He shook his head with a whine as the images that had come into his mind from his mate flashed across the insides of his eyelids again. It felt like lightening flashing through his veins, burning from his heart through every part of his body: he was overloading on pain, the pain of his mate and the pain that lived inside him because he'd let her get hurt.
With a mournful howl, he nuzzled his mate once again, ignoring the other woman.
If she never forgives us, we will deserve it. Ears flattened to his head in complete dejection, Inuyasha whined again and nudged her with his nose, trying to get her to respond to him. Please, mate, wake up, come back to us – we know we do not deserve you, but please, come back.
Kikyou watched as the youkai that had replaced Inuyasha cried, astonished. She could barely believe what she was seeing.
He was full youkai. And he was crying.
Everything she'd ever been taught about youkai came tumbling down around her.
He was crying.
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