InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Mind's Eye Series: Who Am I? ❯ Who Am I? ( One-Shot )

Note:  This is written in Kikyou's POV, and corresponds to the time period covered in "An Interesting Story".  I felt that if Kagome had a piece that explained why she is the way she is, the others should have them as well.  So, here is "Who Am I?", the second in the Mind's Eye Series.

Disclaimer:  As always, I don't own Inuyasha, I don't want to own Inuyasha, I don't make any money of this crap, I don't want to make any money of this crap.

Extended Disclaimer:
[deleted for the sake of your sanity]

Enjoy!


----------That said...----------

Who Am I?

-----

Who am I?  

That question haunted me for so long, and I never really knew the answer, even before my death.  I have been so many things:  miko, guardian of the Shikon Jewel, beloved of Inuyasha, and more recently, one of the walking dead.  It is not a phrase I like.

That girl, Kagome...  Everything changed because of her.  It is deeply amusing to stop and think that if my reincarnation had not fallen through an old well, Urasue would have never been able to resurrect me.  I never would have had this second chance at life, this chance to finally know who I am.  I am deeply indebted to her, though I suppose I shall never be able to truly express my gratitude, even now with my makeshift soul.  

Oh, yes, my makeshift soul...  I realized one day that my soul collectors did not need to bring me the spirits of those poor dead girls as often as they once did.  I knew then, that a part of each of those souls had remained.  

Who am I, then?  A collection of pieces of other women who lived and died?  A bit granted me kindness, a bit granted me hope, then fear... The capacity for emotion slowly returned to me, although, compared to Kagome, I am still cold.  I have cried a few times, and I have laughed a great deal, but Kagome...

She does everything so completely.  When she laughs, she does so completely, never pausing to reflect on anything more than the moment.    She will rush into battle, into danger, without a thought for her own safety.  The most important thing to that girl is the well-being of others.  Kagome is truly more than I could ever be.  A part of me has always known that, and that is why I told Inuyasha to stay with her.

It was a great, beautiful day, and yet, it was the worst of either of my lives.  Naraku had been defeated, at least for a time.  Poor Kagome had been distracted, and without her concentration, without the whole of her power, she could not finish him.  I fear I was her distraction.  I had gone with them, partly to help with barriers, partly to make good on my vow to destroy him, but primarily because I wanted to help protect them.  I wanted to protect Inuyasha.  I loved him, once again, without fear, without regret, without any bitterness.

More than anything, I wanted him to live.  I wanted him to live, and it did not matter if he lived for me, or for Kagome.

While we were at my sister’s shrine, trying to decide what to do, Inuyasha and I went out into the woods to talk.  In so many words, I told him that he should live, that he owed me nothing but his happiness.  He protested, but, as Inuyasha’s protests go, it was halfhearted.  I know he loves her, even if he does not.

We wandered through the forest together, like old friends, which, I suppose, is what we are.  We emerged from the trees near the Bone Eater’s Well, where Kagome was preparing to leave.  Inuyasha spoke before I had a chance.

“You’re leaving.”

“I’ll come to visit.  As long as I have the Jewel, it should be fine.”  They looked so sad.  I had not cried when I told Inuyasha that he was free, but then, my heart threatened to break for them.  They talked more, but I paid no attention.  My thoughts would not be stopped, and I only wanted to see them together.

It was the strangest thing I had ever experienced.  Wishing, hoping, praying, that the man I love would go to another woman.  The closest I came to seeing them together came moments later, when Inuyasha suddenly snatched her up in his arms.  They spoke again in quiet tones, and I tried not to listen.   Then Kagome turned to me.

“Take care of everyone while I’m gone, Kikyou.”

I have never once fainted, but that day, I very nearly did.  The girl’s heart amazes me.  She trusted me to watch over her friends.  Not only that, she told me to do what she could not.  I should have vowed, with all my heart, to protect them, to care for them, to try to do those things as well as she does, but I could only nod.  

For three years after that, Kagome would come back to see us nearly every night.  She learned to wield a naginata, something I could never quite master.  I have commissioned one of the men near the shrine I keep to make her a magnificent blade.  She has passed me in her skill with a bow as well.  I am not jealous; how can I be?  It was I who helped her train, and she always treats me as her equal, as her sister.  She tells me so much; things that are bothering her, her dreams, her hopes, her plans, even her love for Inuyasha.  I do not mind.  I am glad that she trusts me.

I took up her role of taking care of Shippou, the little kitsune.  He is such a strange creature.  I know that he is much more mature than he lets on, yet he uses his childlike nature to get by.  I spoil him as much as she does, maybe more.

We also saw quite a bit of young Rin, Sesshoumaru’s... charge, I suppose.  She is growing into a fine young woman.  Intelligent and kind, much like I imagine Kagome was at that age.  Rin’s curiosity is nearly infinite, and she often quizzes Kaede and me on times past, herbalism, and many more things too numerous to list.

As for the others...  Sango and I did not get on well at first, but we eventually came to see each other as the sisters that we either never had or left behind.  She alone understands my duty to see this through, and I alone understand her duty to kill Naraku.  As for my real sister, Kaede and I maintain a somewhat strained relationship.  I love my sister, as she loves me, but given our history, there is a sort of tension that will never pass.  I never have gotten used to the monk.  Mercifully, he does not show any interest in me.  He saves his flirting for Sango.  I suppose I would like to see them admit their affection as much as I would like to one day see Kagome and Inuyasha with children.

Who am I?  Still, I asked myself, even as I began to find the one place in the world that I belonged.  I tried to imitate her, to be what she could not.  She had important things to do in her own time, and no one could begrudge her that time.  But mimicking someone else grew so tiring, and I starting being... myself.  I cannot bring back strange foods from the future, but I can make udon.  I do not have a bicycle to keep up with Inuyasha and Kirara, but I can run.  I cannot tell the stories that she does, but I can recount the legends of Japan’s early days.  

When she was eighteen or so, Kagome went on journey across the ocean in her own time.  She was gone for a few weeks, and the day of her return signaled the beginning of the second leg of our quest.  It was an odd day.

She brought back gifts for everyone.  Shippou still sleeps with the blanket she brought back for him, and Rin goes nowhere without her little blue teddy bear.  Kaede had a grand time with her strange herbs, figuring out the properties of each one.  Sango is still saving the last bar of soap for when she gets married.  Miroku explained the special properties of his inks to me, but I must confess, I stopped listening at “made from the finest”.  Inuyasha devoured his gift, five pounds of beef jerky, in under an hour.  I feel I got the best gift, though, because the set of copper pots is so useful, so versatile...  My, I am beginning to sound like a housewife.

After talking with the men for a few hours, we four women went bathing together at the hot springs.  Everything was fine, until I was scrubbing Kagome’s back and the chain that held the Shikon Jewel snapped, and it slipped into the water.  When we recovered it, she and I touched the thing at the same moment and in a blinding flash of light, it shattered and scattered to the winds.

Poor Kagome.  She had so hoped that we would still have the whole Jewel when it came time to challenge Naraku again.  I am deeply happy that the book she wrote was successful, and I enjoyed the copy that she brought me.  It seems that the characters are basically the people that she met in our time.  There is an old priestess, a demon huntress, a Buddhist monk, and a pair of young children.  Although, the priestess is much more forgetful and senile than Kaede, the huntress is much angrier than Sango, the monk is not a lecherous fool, and the children are kitsune siblings.  Only Inuyasha remains much the same.

Who am I, to Kagome?  I was transformed into the dead sister of, not the elderly priestess, but the huntress.  In the book, she spends only two hours in Hell before fighting her way out, knowing that her work is unfinished.  I find it impossible to think of the character as myself, even though the basis is obvious.  She is a person of extremes, loving and hating completely, whereas I have always seen myself as cold.

Even when I was first alive, I could not display my emotions as openly as many of the women I knew.  I did not love Inuyasha as completely or as passionately as Kagome does.  I was unwilling to change, and expected him to make the sacrifice if we were to be together.  Kagome would follow him into Hell without a second thought, and drag him out herself, if she had to.  I was unwilling to suffer for my affection, and I still am, although I do.

Whenever I see them together, it is obvious that she is better for him.  He laughs with her.  He is happy when she is near.  I never had that affect on him.  It is difficult, watching her do what I could not, but it is also the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.  It is better that he is happy with her, than unhappy with me.  

I love him.  I have regained the capacity for love.  Although, I am not sure if I ever truly possessed it when I was first alive.  He loves her, and I have nothing to offer him.  I accept it.  I accept it, and I am thrilled that they can be together.  I do not know if Inuyasha will ever become human for her, but I do know that Kagome will never ask.  She is selfless, where I was greedy.  For only friendship, she gladly suffers the stares of the people.  I can only imagine what she would suffer for his love.

Who am I, to Inuyasha?  His first love?  An old friend?  A valuable ally?  He speaks with me now, about anything that happens to come to mind.  He will speak fondly of Kagome, although I do not believe he is aware of it.  Occasionally, he will come to me for advice.  These past few years, I have reminded him when Kagome’s birthday was approaching, and nudged him gently towards gifts for her.  I doubt he realizes that, either.  

There is nothing left for us, save friendship.  I am content with that.  In fact, it seems that we have a much more comfortable relationship as friends than we ever did trying to be lovers.  Even with the obvious problems between Inuyasha and I, we really have very little in common.  Kagome says that she believes that the key to a long, successful relationship is this:  “You have to have enough in common that you can talk about trivial things, but not enough that you cannot stand to be around each other.”  I think she may be right, and I think she and Inuyasha have just that balance.

But who am I?  Through my seemingly infinite hours of reflection, I finally found a satisfactory answer to my question.  I am Kikyou.  I am Kaede’s sister, and surrogate sister to Sango and Kagome.  I am one of two replacements for Shippou’s mother.  I am Inuyasha’s friend and his lost first love.  I am invisible in Miroku’s eyes -- and thank the Gods for that.  

I am kind, yet vengeful.  I am lost, yet I am searching.  I am so confused about life, yet I step forward, sure of every step.  I am dead, yet I am more alive now than I ever was before the day Naraku killed me.

I kept the Shikon Jewel safe for years.  I will help defeat Naraku forever.  I will care for others for as long as I am on this Earth.

I am a miko.  I am a healer.  I am a warrior.  

I am the same as every woman who has ever loved.  I am not a shadow of Kagome, nor is she a shadow of me.  I am constantly trying to improve myself.  I am trying as best as I can to make sense of all of this.  I am only a woman.  I am more than the sum of my experiences.  

I am Kikyou, miko, guardian of the Shikon Jewel, once-beloved of Inuyasha, and more recently, one of the walking dead.  It is still not a phrase I like.  But I am still walking, and I am still trying to live.


----------End One-Shot----------


Keep an eye out for the next piece in the Mind's Eye Series, as told by Shippou.  Maybe.  Maybe Sango, maybe Kaede, or Inuyasha, or Miroku, or Rin.  I'm not sure yet, really.