InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Namiyo's Twisted Fairy Tales ❯ Tale the Second: Little Red Haori Hood ( Chapter 2 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Tale the Second: Little Red Haori Hood

By Namiyo11

I do not own Inuyasha or related characters, nor do I make money from same. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and her designees. The other story I’m warping is I do believe public domain. I also do not own ‘Monty Python’, and I think you know that too.

Once upon a time, in one of those forests, the ones filled with magic, a kindhearted boy was given a task by his mother...

“Inuyasha! I have a errand, my dearest!” Izayoi’s voice floated through the family home. Having lost his home due to a combination of alcohol, his sword, and a hungry wolf, then been kicked out of his brother’s pad...he’d discovered you could indeed go home again.

“Alright, Mother. Dinner’ll be late then?” he didn’t even look up from the tube as a flutter of songbirds announced his mother’s entrance into the room. They promptly began cleaning everything in sight and he lifted his feet for her devoted mouse slaves, dressed in tiny kimonos and armed with brooms. These things happened when your mother was a sweet, loving, gentle princess.

They did live in that kind of forest.

Her perpetual smile thinned. She gestured for her birds to deliver a massive basket, the poor things nearly collapsing under the weight.

“No, dearest boy, you have an errand. I want you to take this basket to your human grandmother’s house, deeper into the forest. I haven’t time today to take her the weekly goodies.”

“Isn’t she dead? I never heard of her before.”

“No. She just doesn’t like you, dearest.”

“Then why the hell-”

“Because I asked you. Because you are a good, brave, dutiful son. Because you are living here rent free and your Father has considered making you start earning your keep, possibly with working as the new dragon shit shoveler at the Forbidden Castle of Doom until you again elect to discover there is life beyond cable and beer. Because I am the only thing standing between you working there or being tossed out on your ass, dearest son of mine,” her eyes narrowed behind the perfect smile. He paused.

“Grandmother, then?” A smile.

“Yes. I’m so glad we talked, my dearest,” she beamed and fluttered away.

He sighed and got the basket.

“Don’t forget your firerat!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

And so the kindhearted boy set off down the dark path to the home of his aged grandmother. He’d heard many stories about the dark, deep forest, but was cheerful as he walked along.

“Damn Mom...Damn Grandma...Damned...goodie basket?” he frowned. It was opened and sniffed. Yarn. A cake. Some odds and ends. He scowled at the foot cream and shuddered at the adult undergarments. An old biddy who knitted with a sweet tooth, foot fungus, and incontinence.

Wonderful.

Better get this over with. Fast. And so the brave, kindly boy hurried onwards. As he walked, he passed a woodcutter.

“Timber!!” A glance, and the plaid kimono clad human stared at him as the tree toppled. Shouldering his axe, he strolled over to say hello.

“Hello, good fellow! Where are you bound today?”

“To my Grandmother’s, not that it’s any business of yours.”

“Well, be careful. I hear there are wolves around.”

“Yeah? Great. I sent the last one I met packing. I ain’t exactly worried.”

“Well, if you have need, call and I will hear. I am Houjo, kindly metrosexual woodsman,” he posed and damn it! Light bounced off his perfect teeth as he smiled.

“So you’re a lumberjack and you’re ok? You drink all night and you work all day?” Inuyasha shot back.

Houjo paused.

“I am a social drinker, and I do not wear woman’s clothes, bud. I also happen to get more hot maiden action with my clean living and friendly demeanor than you ever will with the surly bad boy crap. Now fuck off, and I hope it eats you for the damned ‘Monty Python’ reference.”

“Screw you!”

“Asshole!!”

And so, leaving behind the friendly woodsman, the kind, brave boy strolled on.

Meanwhile, at the kindly Grandmother’s house...

A knock at the door. The scowling, tiny old woman opened it, already yelling.

“About damned time, girl! Late again, useless, youkai marrying wretch! You never can see to your duty to your...poor...old...stringy mother??” she added as she saw her visitor.

“Oh yes. Score! Come here, Grandma! Lunch time, boys!” Kouga looked gleeful as his wolves went to work. But he had to share her out with his pack. She was also stringy. And incontinent. And had a foot fungus.

He groaned and went looking for antacids. Finding none, he sprawled on her bed in the one room hovel, wincing. Ohhh...sour to the end, that one. Plus he was still hungry.

Wait, she said girl.

Girls were much tastier then Grandmas.

A plan came to mind.

So it was that the brave, kindly boy arrived at the modest home of his Grandma, carrying a basket of goodies.

“Hello?” a voice called. Kouga heard, and dove into the bed, tugging the scarf tightly around his head.

The door swung open.

It wasn’t a girl. It was a hanyou. One who was sniffing.

“Oh, hell, wolf shit! You ate my fucking Grandma?!”

“Well well, if it ain’t the drunk with the exploding house who thought it’d be funny to send me after a damned Priestess with a bow. Yeah, I ate your Grandma-that the hag was your Grandma. She tasted like crap, thanks!”

“Probably. She had a fungus and wore adult diapers.”

“Yes. Yes, she did,” Kouga scowled as he sat up in the bed. Inuyasha glared, set the basket down, and went for his sword.

“I’m gonna have to kill you.”

“Why? She was a bitch. And not in the cool, canine way, in the evil old biddy way.”

“Tell me about it. The old cow never so much as knit me a damned sweater! But she was my damned Granny! Besides, you fucking made me blow up my own damned house!”

A pause as Kouga tossed back the covers.

“So take this one! Well, you could-if I wasn’t about to kill you,” the wolf said sharply. At that, the hanyou froze in excitement. Rent free, not too shabby...there was room for a beer fridge...

“Y’know what? Not a bad plan, wolf. After you’re dead, I’ll move in here.”

“You’ll be dead, not me! But just tell me one thing, asshole. Where’s the chick that was supposed to be here? She was expecting a chick! Not some mutt,” Kouga demanded. Inuyasha paused, considering.

A fight in here would wreck the place, and while Mom would like that he avenged her-he’d be shoveling shit at the Castle of Doom soon enough without a new place.

“Hm. Tell you what. You ain’t got to fight me, wolf. Let’s call it square. I tried to have you killed, you ate my granny. Square?”

A suspicious frown met this.

“No dice. I’m still hungry.”

“Then go eat her. The chick.”

“Is this a trick?”

“Nope. My mom’s assistant. One of those pretty milkmaids that show up mysteriously. I only brought this basket to, y’know, impress her. Women love that thoughtful crap.”

“Tell me about it,” Kouga nodded. “I’ll warn you though. If this is a damned trick, I will rip you in half, mutt.”

“Keh. Trust me, it’s a girl. In a plaid dress thing. Bright shiny teeth down the road. Can’t miss her.”

“Alright. We have a deal,” Kouga nodded, and left.

Inuyasha glanced around the hut and found the remote, eating the cake as he began to whistle ‘The Lumberjack Song’. He figured Houjo and Kouga ought be meeting just about...

Screams and crashing could be heard in the distance.

Yep. Now.

And they lived happily ever after.

Author’s notes-Next up is 'The Three Youkai', and after that is 'Jaken in Boots'. In any case, thanks for reading!-Namiyo