InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Of Gods and Monsters ❯ Chapter 23: Estrangement ( Chapter 23 )

Great thanks, chocolate, and hugs to my wonderful beta team (you all rock!) and deep-fried Twinkies for Everstar (because she assures me they exist).

Chapter 23: Estrangement

On Raglan Road, on an autumn day

I saw her first and knew

That her dark hair

Would weave a snare

That I might one day rue

Sesshoumaru was troubled.

It was now two weeks since his return from Olympus, two weeks since his half-brother's departure, and nearly three weeks that his mate had been human.

In that time, he'd had ample opportunity to observe Teles; Inuyasha had claimed that she was adapting quite well to her new human form. Sesshoumaru had no idea what Inuyasha had seen to lead him to such a conclusion, but whatever it was, the youkai lord did not see it. The confident, serene woman -- intolerable, insolent, damnable -- he'd met on the battlefield had vanished. The woman who was now sharing his bed was quiet, introspective, and -- though it pricked his temper to realize it -- meek. There was nothing of the goddess left in her. She seldom met his gaze when he spoke to her, and when she spoke in return, her voice was uncharacteristically soft.

He did not like it. Any of it.

Certainly, something had seemed odd when he'd first returned from Greece. She had seemed... different, even then. But at least then, flashes of her personality were still evident. Her dry sense of humor had still been intact. But, as the days passed, her humor diminished. Stranger still, regardless of what requests he made of her during this time, she fulfilled them without so much as a question.

He stood now, at the mouth of the den, watching her sit in quiet solitude at the edge of the stream. His features drew into a frown as he contemplated the stranger who bore such a resemblance to his mate. He had, at first, thought she'd taken ill. The possibility sent fear sluicing through him, but after a time, he realized that there was nothing else to suggest that that was the case. No, it was not illness that was making her behave in such a manner.

It was her reaction to Rin that persuaded Sesshoumaru to think that perhaps his mate had not taken sick (and, though he was still troubled at her behavior, he was flooded with relief that she had not fallen ill). She was truly animated around the child, sitting in the tall grass with her for hours on end, entertaining her with fantastic tales and stories about the gods and goddesses of Mount Olympus. He knew this not because Teles had told him, but because Rin had.

Sesshoumaru's mouth settled into a hard line as his eyebrows drew even closer together. Inuyasha had been mistaken; this individual, this woman, this human did not have the spirit of a goddess. Whoever she was, she did not have Teles' soul. His mate, his Teles was nowhere to be had. She, like her immortality, appeared to have disintegrated into dust, leaving... this in its wake, this... shell, only resembling his mate. He'd barely had time to reconcile himself to the fact that he would only have another fifty or sixty years with her. He was not prepared for the idea that her soul would fade away before her body would. The prospect left him, in a word, terrified.

He closed his eyes and shook his head briskly. No. No, I refuse to believe that is the case. Our souls are matched. Mated. The spell of one goddess, however powerful, can NOT undo that.

He watched her still form for several seconds. Was that really his mate? Her corporeal body was changed -- that was true enough -- but was that truly her? In truth, Sesshoumaru could not say for sure one way or another. He contemplated the woman for almost a full minute. There had to be a way to tell for certain.

He turned and walked slowly back into the den to consider matters; an idea was starting to form.

If their souls were no longer matched, he would find out soon enough.

***

Teles leaned back, bracing her weight with her arms as she watched the stream flow by in silence. Even if everything else had changed, at least the water still brought her some semblance of solace. The gentle gurgling of the stream relaxed her. Ever since she'd grown strong enough to leave her bed, Teles had come out here to sit by the stream. In fact, she spent most of her time outside. The outdoors brought her peace.

The disorientation that had immediately swamped the former goddess when she first awoke after her transformation had, by this point, faded almost completely. While she recovered from her injuries, she spent a great deal of time comparing her human body to her former form. Teles found that certain things were more keenly felt -- her emotions, for instance, were almost overpowering. She felt things she'd never felt before -- things she'd never imagined before. Never before had she felt emotions create physiological responses that were so exhausting.

On top of everything else, the very last thing Teles wanted to deal with was fatigue. Exhaustion already seemed a normal part of her day to day life; it had faded very little as she recuperated. She managed to stay awake during the day, but slept solidly through the night and often well into the morning. She wondered whether this was normal -- perhaps she'd ask Sango or Kagome whenever they managed to visit.

Exhaling a sigh, Teles let her head drop back. She stared into the canopy of branches above her, noting with appreciation the way the sunlight filtered through the limbs. She thought idly of Sesshoumaru's half-brother and his companions. They'd become such a welcome presence around the den during her recovery; she discovered that she quite missed them once they were gone. Inexplicably, Teles found herself longing for Sango's wit, Miroku's tales of the past, and Kagome's stories about the future. She even missed Inuyasha's pensive presence.

It was strange; ever since they'd left, Teles felt alone. It made no sense, of course, because -- obviously -- she was not alone.

She looked around the vacant clearing.

Well, perhaps that's not entirely accurate.

As strange as it was, she felt unaccountably lonely. Rin provided company, just like she had before, but it wasn't the same. Sesshoumaru was constantly present as well -- of course -- but even he provided very little company. Most times he acted as if he were unsure of what to do with her. He remained around her, yes, but it bothered Teles how very ill at ease he seemed.

She sighed, closing her eyes. Things had been infinitely easier, before. Now they were nothing but complicated and difficult, and growing more so by the day. She hated her human body -- it was heavy, clumsy, and uncomfortable. She hated these damnable human emotions and their physical manifestations. She hated her weakness and missed her serenity. There were far too many changes, and she was realizing them faster than she could keep track of them. Whether this was normal or due to the hanyou pup she carried, Teles could not say.

As relieved as she was that the sacrifice of her immortality secured the life of her child, she could not say with any degree of honesty that she liked being human, or that she didn't miss being a goddess. And, as often as she tried not to think about it, there were a great many things she lost in the transformation. She did not only lose her divinity -- her immortality. In fact, she felt as if she'd lost everything that made her... herself.

The loss frustrated Teles. There were times when she found she could think of nothing else beyond what she used to be. It was a vexing contradiction; she was relieved beyond words that she didn't have to worry about protecting her child from angry gods and goddesses, but she found that she couldn't help but remember how it all felt... before. Teles could still remember the intoxicating rush that came when she let her power flare out, twining around her. She could not forget the sensation of flying, of being able to sense other beings around her, or of knowing, without a doubt, that she would never die.

During these times, she almost felt as if she were drowning. Her mind registered the analogy as odd, because Teles could not remember a time when she hadn't been able to swim, nor could she remember a time when water ever posed a threat to her. But she'd seen enough men drown in her time. She recalled the desperation with which they moved, their fingers curling into claws as they fought their way to the surface of the water, struggling violently for every breath.

Never before had Teles been able to empathize so completely with the men she'd helped lure to their deaths.

She inhaled deeply, bringing her eyes to the stream that flowed past the den. The water rippled and glistened, and the gentle, rushing noise still had the ability to calm her. She was mildly amazed that she could find some semblance of peace when she looked into the shimmering depths. It's not as clean as it used to be. There don't seem to be as many fish, either. Strange thing, that.

From a distance, Sesshoumaru had emerged from the den and stood, watching, his arms folded in his sleeves. I know what it is I must do; it is only a matter of doing it. He walked slowly towards the human woman sitting quietly by the water. "...Teles."

She had reached down, dipping her fingers into the cool water when she heard Sesshoumaru's voice. Startled, her head jerked up. Her mate stood several arms' lengths away, regarding her with a calm expression. Uneasiness settled almost immediately in her stomach. She chastised herself for it. "Yes, Sesshoumaru?"

"I think your being out this long to be unwise for your health and that of the child," he said, as coolly as he could manage.

She swallowed hard, her eyes darting to the ground. Why in Zeus' name does he discomfit me so? "I... I did not realize I'd been out that long, Sesshoumaru." She brought her eyes up as she spoke, but found it too difficult to meet his eyes, so she shifted her gaze to a spot over his shoulder.

She does not meet my eyes. Why? Clenching his teeth, Sesshoumaru inhaled deeply before replying. "Perhaps it has not been that long, but the seasons are turning, and it is perceptibly colder now."

Teles licked her lips quickly. She loved the way the increasingly brisk air felt against her skin, the scent of it as it blew through her hair. And the den was so dark -- outside the sun was shining, and it did not do so in the den. "I... I do not mind the cooler weather so much, Sesshoumaru." She paused for a moment. "And... from what I understand, a human body requires a great deal of fresh air and sunlight..."

Sesshoumaru tried to find the slightest bit of encouragement at this; at least Teles was disagreeing with him, even if her demeanor was still far too meek. "Nevertheless, you are human now, and therefore more likely to take ill." Any encouragement he might have felt vanished as her shoulders drooped and her eyes dropped to the ground. He snarled internally.

Teles' eyes focused on the blades of grass around her hand. He was in part right, she supposed. Her human body was far more susceptible to illness now, and... No. No, she could not go into the den now, not while it was so completely beautiful outside. She swallowed hard. "I would... rather stay outside -- just for a little while longer, Sesshoumaru," she murmured, eyes on the ground.

"I prefer that you look at me when I'm speaking to you," the youkai lord said sharply.

To her horror and utter embarrassment, she flinched at his tone and felt something akin to fear tighten in her chest. She blinked a bit, forcing her eyes upwards to meet his. She found her mate's gaze to be cold and almost foreign. Blinking a bit, she replied softly, "Y-yes... of course, Sesshoumaru..."

Amber eyes narrowed as Sesshoumaru gauged his mate's response. No, damn it. Not like that. "I would prefer it if you returned to the den." He willed steel into his voice. "Now."

Again, his tone made something tighten in her chest. Teles had to force herself to hold Sesshoumaru's gaze, though they flickered away from his eyes occasionally. "Please, Sesshoumaru... just an hour more?"

A small voice within the youkai lord piped up, suggesting that perhaps allowing her this would be a good compromise while allowing her to feel more comfortable. Sesshoumaru dismissed the thought as ridiculous. There is no earthly reason why she should be uncomfortable. He drew himself up and looked down at her with an icy glare. "Now, Teles," Sesshoumaru said with all the arrogance and command of centuries of practice.

Teles bit her lower lip hard as it occurred to her that he had never, until now, actually looked like a demon. "Please... a quarter of an hour more." There was the slightest tremor in her voice, even though she was trying so hard to control it.

Sesshoumaru's jaw tightened as a huge wave of frustration, tainted ever so slightly with panic washed over him. "Are you challenging me?" he asked quietly.

Teles blanched almost immediately. She licked her lips quickly and shook her head. "No. No, of course not... I would never..."

But you USED TO, damn it... "Then... do as I say."

Teles opened her mouth to say something -- anything -- to resolve the situation once and for all. She had no desire to return to the den, and could not believe that her mate was behaving in such a strange manner. But when she looked up at him, she was greeted with the hard line of his mouth and an icy glint in his eyes. Her jaw snapped shut and she looked down again, cursing herself for her weakness. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him take one step closer to her. A surge of apprehension welled up in her chest as he drew nearer. He is my mate. He would not hurt me. He would not. She could feel his frigid gaze on her, and felt a bead of sweat trickle slowly down her back in response.

"Teles," the youkai said, his voice tinged with warning.

She forced herself to look up at him through her bangs. "Yes, Sesshoumaru?" she asked, loathing the tremor in her voice, hating how utterly small it sounded.

When Sesshoumaru spoke, his voice was cold, silken, and soft. "Don't defy me."

His words sent another shot of trepidation through Teles' body. Her back now felt soaked with sweat, and she could almost feel the pup react to the sudden wave of anxiety. She willed him to remain still as she nodded, swallowing hard. "Of... of course not, Sesshoumaru... I would not do such a thing," she said hoarsely. "I... I will be along... momentarily." Teles needed a moment or two to collect herself. That would never do so long as her mate stood above her like this, staring down at her as if she were little more than an insect.

A dark eyebrow arched. "Oh?" When he noted the faint tremble that came with her answering nod, Sesshoumaru sighed internally. She'd had significant difficulty in maneuvering herself since the transformation. As it was, she was sitting on the ground and was bound to have an infinitely difficult time righting herself. He stretched a hand down to her. "Come along." He saw hesitant green eyes regard his hand and he frowned as the moment stretched out.

For her part, Teles was regarding her mate's left hand -- the hand given to him by her mother. The hand meant to offer protection to both her and the pup. She closed her eyes, suddenly having a difficult time envisioning such a scenario. Reluctantly, she placed her hand in his, accepting his help. She had an exceptionally difficult time getting to her feet these days. She wouldn't have been able to stand the burning humiliation that would have come had he watched her stand without assistance. Teles felt him lift her to her feet with no more effort than it would have taken to lift Rin. As soon as she was on her feet, Teles slipped her hand out of her mate's. "Thank you, Sesshoumaru."

The youkai lord only nodded, disappointment like ashes on his tongue. His jaw set as he watched her walk slowly toward the den, her shoulders down, her head slightly bowed. This was not his mate. This was not how his Teles behaved. Growling to himself, he swept up beside her, leading the way.

When Teles felt Sesshoumaru reach her side, she froze, having been wiping at the burning tears forming in her eyes.

"Well?" the youkai said coolly, without looking at her.

"W-well…?" she repeated, striving to keep her voice steady.

"You're coming in, are you not?"

"Y-yes. Of course, Sesshoumaru..." She heard the almost-growl in his chest and flinched at the sound. Why had he come out here? Why couldn't he have simply left her alone? Why did he insist on behaving like this? Teles closed her eyes. "I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to... to push you..."

Amber fire flared in Sesshoumaru's eyes. "By all the gods, would you cease apologizing?" he snapped, a snarl underlying his words.

Teles froze, her breath stilling in her chest. She felt oddly cold all of a sudden. His voice -- his tone -- was such that… She closed her eyes, feeling a fresh wave of tears prick almost painfully at her eyes. He'd never spoken to her in such a way. Ever. When she finally found breath enough to reply, her voice was soft, her words almost inaudible. "Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama."

Sesshoumaru stopped abruptly, staring down at her. It would have surprised him far less had Inuyasha come through the trees at that moment, wearing a cherry-blossom kimono, and announced that he intended to take Jaken for a mate. Staring at her incredulously, he asked, "What did you say?" sounding far more dumbfounded than angry.

Teles stood stock still, staring at the ground, wishing fervently that it would open up and swallow her whole. Panic was clutching at her chest, and when she opened her mouth to speak, she found her mouth too dry to form words. After swallowing hard once more, she managed, in a soft voice, "I... s-said, 'Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama.'" When her mate offered no reply, a heavy silence settled on them. "I..." Suddenly, Teles remembered that he wanted her to look at him, so she forced her gaze up to golden eyes, once so familiar, so welcome; they were now cold and foreign. "I... was unaware that my apologies frustrated you so."

Sesshoumaru blinked once, then twice. Shock and confusion swirled within, creating an unfamiliar, uncomfortable maelstrom inside of him. Inclining his head slightly, he hid his uncertainty and puzzlement under arrogance. "Go inside. I shall be out on patrol."

Teles nodded once. "Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama," she murmured. After only a fraction of a second, she turned and slowly walked into the den.

Sesshoumaru stood in utter disbelief, rooted to the spot. His mind attempted to process what had just happened, but he found that regardless of how many times he replayed the scene in his head, he still couldn't believe what had happened had indeed happened. She had used his title?

Why on earth had she used his title?

The youkai lord suddenly felt cold and ill, unable to comprehend what had just transpired. What in the names of all the gods had Hera done to his mate? What had she done? Closing his eyes, Sesshoumaru turned away from the den. After a few moments, he launched himself into the air, his eyes scanning the western lands.

I believe I'm going to go kill something.

***

The wind whipped through his hair as he flew, but he didn't feel it. The skies darkened above him and thunder rumbled menacingly, but he didn't hear it. Lightning flashed in the distance, silent, white streaks illuminating the countryside, but he didn't see them. Fat raindrops splashed against his face and body, soaking into his kimono, but he didn't feel them.

'Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama...'

The words ran through the youkai lord's mind at a dizzying rate as his tawny eyes narrowed, and the scent of reptilian youkai floated up on the wind, filling his senses. It was frustration that was writ large on his features, though an inexperienced observer wouldn't have been able to differentiate between frustration and detached annoyance. However, an experienced observer, were there any to be had, would have seen far more than mere frustration. Such an observer would have seen pained distraction in his eyes, concern in the pull of his eyebrows, and desperation in the line of his mouth.

Damn it, what is the matter with her?

Logic dictated that it would have been far simpler to ask Teles what was causing her such trouble. The nuances of her scent were still new to him, but her anxiety was quickly making itself evident. The realization caused a growl to rumble in the back of his throat. Anxiety. Feh. What has she to be anxious about? Besides, if anything were severely wrong, she would tell me herself. She is not a foolish woman.

Of course, far beneath the youkai's cool exterior lay the knowledge that, even if he were to ask his mate what was troubling her, he would be ill-equipped to rectify the problem. If nothing else, he learned that during his brief visit to Olympus -- there were some things that neither his power, nor his heritage, nor his title as a youkai lord could solve.

Sesshoumaru had before him a problem he didn't understand, and didn't know how to fix.

As he drew nearer to the youkai scent, his sensitive ears picked up the high, two-toned wail, a screech that set his nerves on edge. There were more than one. While the realization did not leave him happy -- indeed, very little could have made him happy at the moment -- it did leave him with a sort of quiet satisfaction. More things to fight, more things to kill, more flesh yielding under his claws, more blood to soak his hands -- more beasts onto which he could still exert some sort of power.

He would have given anything -- anything -- at that moment for Hera to be as vulnerable to him as Teles had been to her. He wanted it to be her flesh tearing under his many assaults. He wanted it to be her voice pleading with him for mercy.

Instead, Sesshoumaru was forced to exercise his rage, his helplessness, his despair on creatures that had no idea what was fueling him.

'I... was unaware that my apologies frustrated you so.'

He landed silently in the middle of dense woodland, walking slowly toward the noise that had alerted him to the youkai's location. He flexed his claws with a satisfying crack, walking slowly toward the creatures. Surely they would smell him coming, and then would either fight or attempt to flee. Whether or not this attempt was made mattered little to Sesshoumaru -- escape only meant that the creature would be delaying the inevitable.

As his slow steps brought him closer to the scent, the youkai lord's nose caught something else on the air, twined delicately within the reptile youkai's distinctive smell. Sesshoumaru stopped, tilting his head in silent contemplation. It was faint, but the musky scent of rut clung to the air like an echo. He looked down; the grass was bruised, the earth disturbed. When he looked up again, scarlet had already begun to bleed into the amber eyes.

He would purge his lands of that scent, even if it meant wiping out every youkai in existence.