InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Once Upon an Inuyoukai ❯ Conversations ( Chapter 20 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Empatheia 
Katsuro and Naruka have a little talk.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Hentai / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 03.22.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.7K | Visits: 232 | Status: Work In Progress
Katsuro and Naruka have a little talk.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Hentai / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 03.22.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.7K | Visits: 232 | Status: Work In Progress
A/N: Guessums what? I have a beta reader now! Everyone clap for ALF! I have no words to express how thrilled I am to have her on my side. Without her, this chapter would have been absolutely gibbled. ::watch her squirm at the word 'gibbled':: So sorry for the wait, here's the new, improved, mistake-free chapter! Enjoy and leave a concrit!
-Empatheia
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xox
Chapter XX: Conversations
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Yamaguchi Katsuro was a warrior born, raised, and chosen. Born to a samurai family, he'd been raised by his samurai father to the code of the warrior, and when it had come time to choose his own path, he had chosen to remain a warrior and had never looked back.
He had been born with a battle cry thirty-seven years before the day facing him now. Every day of his life had been a battle, and he had not lost a single one.
Katsuro-kun... if you wish to be victorious, you must make every decision without hesitation or doubt, and you must face the consequences without fear or regret. You may die-- but you will win, in the end. Second-guessing yourself will only lead to the worst possible outcome of any situation.
Death did not frighten him. How could it, when it walked in his shadow every step of the journey of his life? It sang and whistled quietly to itself, a constant grim-faced companion. Sometimes it was a woman, and he wondered if she might be his lover one day.
Katsuro-kun... you will be afraid. Fear will travel on your back everywhere you go. Do not think that warriors are fearless- we are not. The trick is not to grant it equal footing with your courage. Courage has nothing whatsoever to do with fearlessness. Fearlessness is stupidity. Fear can sharpen your senses, give strength to your failing limbs-- but it must not hold the reins.
Pain did not frighten him. How could it, when every day they met in moonlight trysts, overtaxed limbs shrieking under the tender ministrations of the red goddess? Pain walked in the sunlight every day, right before his eyes. It had no need to hide.
Katsuro-kun... you will get hurt. However, if you walk into a battle expecting to get hurt, then that is the greatest guarantee you can give yourself of getting wounded. You will get hurt... but go into the fight with the firm belief that you will not. Then it is far more likely that you will escape unscathed.
Katsuro-kun... do not consider failure as an option. If you do, if you entertain the possibility, you invite it in. Assume that you will win. Always.
Katsuro-kun... if ever you catch yourself over-analyzing a situation, force yourself to stop thinking and obey your intuition. It is incapable of leading you wrong.
His teacher's words leisurely drifted and bounced through the caverns of his mind as he paced back and forth out of earshot of the campsite. "What to do, what to do." He thrust hands behind his sword-belt and tucked his chin into his chest. "What to do, what to do!"
Katsuro-kun...
"What to do..."
Katsuro-kun...
"Why don't I know what to do?"
Katsuro-kun...
"Shut up!" he cried to the persistent monotone voice in his mind. "It's not black and white, not here!"
Whenever he found himself in a conflict of any kind with himself, which was not often, that was the form the opposition always took. He liked to think that his sensei, though long dead, still watched over him as a minor kami from the shadows. He knew his sensei was not truly speaking to him from beyond the grave, but even the imagined voice was enough to make him sit up and listen.
Katsuro-kun...
He could hear her singing to herself, on the far side of the fire, as she tidied up after a day of forced inactivity. Her glossy braids were bound behind her neck with a white strip of cloth, to keep it out of her pale face. There was a look of quiet contentment in her eyes. Katsuro stopped involuntarily to watch, nails digging into his palms painfully.
"I don't know what to do."
Katsuro-kun...
"Didn't I tell you to shut up? I'm thinking!"
Don't think.
"But..."
Don't think.
"She's a priestess. Does 'sworn to celibacy' ring any bells?"
Don't think.
"She loves her calling more than anything in the world, and anyone can see it's her destiny. She has so much talent... and she's Midoriko's heir... I can't take that away from her. Even if she'd let me. I can't."
You wonder why you never defeat me? You think too much. Everything will fall into place if you stop thinking and start moving.
"She most likely harbours no feelings of the kind for me at all. Why would she? She is the elite, the pure. I am death. Pain, destruction, tears. Everything she works so hard to prevent. I could never hope for her to even look at me."
Stop... thinking... move!
"I dare not. She deserves better."
Katsuro-kun!
"Still, what harm can there be in knowing the truth of it? Then there can be no question. I must simply ask so that I can move on."
The voice in his mind was growing steadily more cold and dangerous. It was amazing, how detailed the imaginary voice was. He wondered if perhaps it was not so imaginary... surely, such a chill could not be manifested by his mind alone.
Move. Now. I will not say it again.
Katsuro's spine snapped straight, and he shivered. Even after death, his sensei had the power to terrify the living wits out of him. "Yes, sir!"
He began to walk jerkily towards her, towards the firelight.
She looked up at his approach and self-consciously dusted her hands off on her hakama. "Katsuro-san... can I help you?"
"Er."
She cocked an eyebrow quizzically. He lost the ability to breathe. She was especially lovely, it was true... but it was more than that. He had seen many beautiful women in his time and his travels. It would take more than pearlescent skin and red lips to knock him over like this. Perhaps it was the smile she always carried except in the worst of times-- she was irrepressible. Perhaps it was the calm capability with which she did everything, even the smallest tasks. Perhaps, the way she had of seeming to know what everyone was thinking at any time.
In any case, he knew with a soldier's instinct that this was one battle he'd lost utterly. At the very least, he could go out gracefully. "Naruka-sama," he began again, voice firm with resignation. "I have a question, of sorts."
"Of sorts?" she asked apprehensively. Perceptiveness was her talent, and it did not fail her now. She could tell something was off, and was concerned. "Katsuro-san, is there something wrong?"
"Yes. I mean... no?" He knew the expression on his face had to be laughably confused. She must think he was a fool of the highest order. In the manner of men, he tensed all his muscles and held himself rigid in order to preserve inner discipline. "I mean, there is nothing wrong. I just need to know something."
"Well then, out with it!" she tittered nervously, fiddling with her fingertips.
"Naruka-sama... you love your calling, yes?"
She missed how still he became as her eyes flashed to the ground. "Yes, more than anything."
He sighed and relaxed. "Good. That is all." Easily as that, he turned to leave.
"All? You mean, you looked so worried and overwrought about that? I'm sorry, Katsuro-san, but I don't believe you. There is more to it than that."
Damn you and your insight! "It is not important, Naruka-sama. Just some foolishness I hadn't been able to purge from my mind, is all. Nothing to worry about."
She crossed her arms in classic interrogation posture and slid a foot forward. He froze, knowing he was trapped. "That's a lie. Come on, it can't be that terrible. Tell me!"
"Oh, it is terrible indeed. Trust me, you don't want to know."
"Katsuro-san! What's gotten into you? Come on, I promise I won't laugh or run away. You can trust me with whatever it is." She laughed softly into her hands.
Move! Now!
"If... if you were not a priestess..."
"...Yes? I'm listening!"
"If you were not bound as you are, what... what would you do?"
She frowned and furrowed her brow in thought, long finger tapping her lips in a characteristic gesture he was intimately familiar with from observing hundreds of times. "I don't know, really... probably, I'd end up married off with several children. That's what most other women do, isn't it?"
"Would that be... something terrible, to you?"
"No... I suppose I would not mind overmuch."
Elated, he pounced. "And if you were to get married, theoretically of course, what sort of man would you envision?"
Light dawned in her eyes at last and she drew back half a step. "Oh..."
Crushed, he bowed and apologized. "I am sorry, it was an impertinent question. Please forgive me."
Regaining her composure, she straightened and briskly dusted her hakama again. "Nonsense! It's a harmless question. I was just surprised because I had never really thought of it before. Well, hmm..." The finger returned to her lips and tapped a jerky, unsettled rhythm. She was blushing faintly. "I suppose... I would want to marry..."
The blood roared in his ears, nearly obscuring her answer. What in hell had possessed him to...?
"...someone very like yourself, Katsuro-san." Then she gasped and covered her mouth, shock written plain on her features. "I mean... that is to say..." She gathered herself, hands clenched tight before her. "But it is a theoretical question, is it not?"
"Oh yes," he replied faintly, near to expiring with conflicting joy and agony. "Theoretical, of course."
It was not the answer he'd been expecting at all. He'd expected her to say that she would never consider anything outside her current path, that her calling was everything. That she had answered the question at all had been a surprise...that she'd answered it as she had had nearly made him fall over with astonishment. So, she could have loved him if not for her calling... but she would not, not ever. It was a mixed blessing. He knew, now... but at the same time, the answer only made him long for it to be otherwise.
She was turning to walk away, and he was thankful. The sooner she was gone, the sooner he could fall apart without witnesses to his shame. But just as he thought the conversation was truly well and over, she stopped in her tracks. She did not turn to face him. "Why did you ask me that, Katsuro-san?"
"Because," he answered tiredly, not seeing a point to skirting around the point anymore, "I really wanted to know the answer."
"I will not betray my calling." She paused, shoulders shaking. "Not even for you."
"I understand. I would never ask that of you."
"But the question was not theoretical at all, was it."
He had to strain to hear her last words, but his heart sank at the pain in them. Of all the things he'd intended in asking, causing her distress was certainly not one of them. "No. I apologize for inflicting you with my own weakness. Forgive me."
"Don't!" she cried, finally whirling back to face him. "Don't ever apologize for that!"
Confounded, he could only stare at her.
"No one has ever wanted me that way before. Though I cannot reciprocate, I cannot express the way it makes me feel to know that you do. Please, don't ever apologize for finding me... desirable."
He was thunderstruck. "Naruka-sama..."
"Thank you. I should be thanking you. It may cause inner conflict, but without conflict, who in the world grows stronger?"
Bitter, so bitter. He longed to catch her up and smooth the harshness away from her features. "I love you," he said, the words falling out of his lips like they'd been hiding there waiting for their opportunity all along. It was her turn to be thunderstruck. "Or at least, I could. You are a person that I could love very deeply, Naruka-sama. But I realize that I may not, and so if you will permit me, I will withdraw now and never speak of it again."
Naruka's body went through a very complex series of motions and expressions then, so fast he could not follow. There was anguish in there, trepidation, hope, pain, anxiety... the list was very long and incomplete. She ended with her fists clenched at her sides and head lowered to hide her eyes. "No, I will not permit it."
"...What?"
She raised her head to stare at him desperately, a very strange and unrecognizable expression on her face. When she spoke, it was low, pleading and resigned. "I have come to realize that I cannot simply slam the door on this as I could with most things prior to it. Katsuro-san, you are also a person that I could love... given the opportunity. But I am torn, because I cannot see away to do both. I love my calling as a priestess far too much to turn from it, but neither can I seem to turn from you. I am torn, torn! Katsuro-san!"
His arms twitched with the need to hold her, and after a bare moment of fruitless, desperate resistance, he surrendered for the first time in his life and with two long strides closed the gap between them. His arms were like live things, reaching and curling around her trembling shoulders as he pulled her into him. "Don't worry about it for now, Naruka-sama. Just let it work out as it will in time."
She went stiff as a tree in his embrace, but when he stayed still and made no move to threaten her further, she relaxed and tentatively returned the chaste embrace. Her head slipped into the notch beneath his chin as though it had been designed to rest there. He stroked her hair and let her cry, dying inside. Having known this bliss even for one moment, he knew he would never, ever be able to move away from her without losing everything important to him.
She wept out loud, and he wept silently. They held each other and tried not to fall apart.
It was a battle neither of them could really afford to lose.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A/N- Well? Well? It's better, isn't it? Thank you, ALF! ::throws arms around beloved beta and does ridiculous dance of glee::
Leave a concrit review, help to make me a better writer! Please!
-Empatheia
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xox
Chapter XX: Conversations
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Yamaguchi Katsuro was a warrior born, raised, and chosen. Born to a samurai family, he'd been raised by his samurai father to the code of the warrior, and when it had come time to choose his own path, he had chosen to remain a warrior and had never looked back.
He had been born with a battle cry thirty-seven years before the day facing him now. Every day of his life had been a battle, and he had not lost a single one.
Katsuro-kun... if you wish to be victorious, you must make every decision without hesitation or doubt, and you must face the consequences without fear or regret. You may die-- but you will win, in the end. Second-guessing yourself will only lead to the worst possible outcome of any situation.
Death did not frighten him. How could it, when it walked in his shadow every step of the journey of his life? It sang and whistled quietly to itself, a constant grim-faced companion. Sometimes it was a woman, and he wondered if she might be his lover one day.
Katsuro-kun... you will be afraid. Fear will travel on your back everywhere you go. Do not think that warriors are fearless- we are not. The trick is not to grant it equal footing with your courage. Courage has nothing whatsoever to do with fearlessness. Fearlessness is stupidity. Fear can sharpen your senses, give strength to your failing limbs-- but it must not hold the reins.
Pain did not frighten him. How could it, when every day they met in moonlight trysts, overtaxed limbs shrieking under the tender ministrations of the red goddess? Pain walked in the sunlight every day, right before his eyes. It had no need to hide.
Katsuro-kun... you will get hurt. However, if you walk into a battle expecting to get hurt, then that is the greatest guarantee you can give yourself of getting wounded. You will get hurt... but go into the fight with the firm belief that you will not. Then it is far more likely that you will escape unscathed.
Katsuro-kun... do not consider failure as an option. If you do, if you entertain the possibility, you invite it in. Assume that you will win. Always.
Katsuro-kun... if ever you catch yourself over-analyzing a situation, force yourself to stop thinking and obey your intuition. It is incapable of leading you wrong.
His teacher's words leisurely drifted and bounced through the caverns of his mind as he paced back and forth out of earshot of the campsite. "What to do, what to do." He thrust hands behind his sword-belt and tucked his chin into his chest. "What to do, what to do!"
Katsuro-kun...
"What to do..."
Katsuro-kun...
"Why don't I know what to do?"
Katsuro-kun...
"Shut up!" he cried to the persistent monotone voice in his mind. "It's not black and white, not here!"
Whenever he found himself in a conflict of any kind with himself, which was not often, that was the form the opposition always took. He liked to think that his sensei, though long dead, still watched over him as a minor kami from the shadows. He knew his sensei was not truly speaking to him from beyond the grave, but even the imagined voice was enough to make him sit up and listen.
Katsuro-kun...
He could hear her singing to herself, on the far side of the fire, as she tidied up after a day of forced inactivity. Her glossy braids were bound behind her neck with a white strip of cloth, to keep it out of her pale face. There was a look of quiet contentment in her eyes. Katsuro stopped involuntarily to watch, nails digging into his palms painfully.
"I don't know what to do."
Katsuro-kun...
"Didn't I tell you to shut up? I'm thinking!"
Don't think.
"But..."
Don't think.
"She's a priestess. Does 'sworn to celibacy' ring any bells?"
Don't think.
"She loves her calling more than anything in the world, and anyone can see it's her destiny. She has so much talent... and she's Midoriko's heir... I can't take that away from her. Even if she'd let me. I can't."
You wonder why you never defeat me? You think too much. Everything will fall into place if you stop thinking and start moving.
"She most likely harbours no feelings of the kind for me at all. Why would she? She is the elite, the pure. I am death. Pain, destruction, tears. Everything she works so hard to prevent. I could never hope for her to even look at me."
Stop... thinking... move!
"I dare not. She deserves better."
Katsuro-kun!
"Still, what harm can there be in knowing the truth of it? Then there can be no question. I must simply ask so that I can move on."
The voice in his mind was growing steadily more cold and dangerous. It was amazing, how detailed the imaginary voice was. He wondered if perhaps it was not so imaginary... surely, such a chill could not be manifested by his mind alone.
Move. Now. I will not say it again.
Katsuro's spine snapped straight, and he shivered. Even after death, his sensei had the power to terrify the living wits out of him. "Yes, sir!"
He began to walk jerkily towards her, towards the firelight.
She looked up at his approach and self-consciously dusted her hands off on her hakama. "Katsuro-san... can I help you?"
"Er."
She cocked an eyebrow quizzically. He lost the ability to breathe. She was especially lovely, it was true... but it was more than that. He had seen many beautiful women in his time and his travels. It would take more than pearlescent skin and red lips to knock him over like this. Perhaps it was the smile she always carried except in the worst of times-- she was irrepressible. Perhaps it was the calm capability with which she did everything, even the smallest tasks. Perhaps, the way she had of seeming to know what everyone was thinking at any time.
In any case, he knew with a soldier's instinct that this was one battle he'd lost utterly. At the very least, he could go out gracefully. "Naruka-sama," he began again, voice firm with resignation. "I have a question, of sorts."
"Of sorts?" she asked apprehensively. Perceptiveness was her talent, and it did not fail her now. She could tell something was off, and was concerned. "Katsuro-san, is there something wrong?"
"Yes. I mean... no?" He knew the expression on his face had to be laughably confused. She must think he was a fool of the highest order. In the manner of men, he tensed all his muscles and held himself rigid in order to preserve inner discipline. "I mean, there is nothing wrong. I just need to know something."
"Well then, out with it!" she tittered nervously, fiddling with her fingertips.
"Naruka-sama... you love your calling, yes?"
She missed how still he became as her eyes flashed to the ground. "Yes, more than anything."
He sighed and relaxed. "Good. That is all." Easily as that, he turned to leave.
"All? You mean, you looked so worried and overwrought about that? I'm sorry, Katsuro-san, but I don't believe you. There is more to it than that."
Damn you and your insight! "It is not important, Naruka-sama. Just some foolishness I hadn't been able to purge from my mind, is all. Nothing to worry about."
She crossed her arms in classic interrogation posture and slid a foot forward. He froze, knowing he was trapped. "That's a lie. Come on, it can't be that terrible. Tell me!"
"Oh, it is terrible indeed. Trust me, you don't want to know."
"Katsuro-san! What's gotten into you? Come on, I promise I won't laugh or run away. You can trust me with whatever it is." She laughed softly into her hands.
Move! Now!
"If... if you were not a priestess..."
"...Yes? I'm listening!"
"If you were not bound as you are, what... what would you do?"
She frowned and furrowed her brow in thought, long finger tapping her lips in a characteristic gesture he was intimately familiar with from observing hundreds of times. "I don't know, really... probably, I'd end up married off with several children. That's what most other women do, isn't it?"
"Would that be... something terrible, to you?"
"No... I suppose I would not mind overmuch."
Elated, he pounced. "And if you were to get married, theoretically of course, what sort of man would you envision?"
Light dawned in her eyes at last and she drew back half a step. "Oh..."
Crushed, he bowed and apologized. "I am sorry, it was an impertinent question. Please forgive me."
Regaining her composure, she straightened and briskly dusted her hakama again. "Nonsense! It's a harmless question. I was just surprised because I had never really thought of it before. Well, hmm..." The finger returned to her lips and tapped a jerky, unsettled rhythm. She was blushing faintly. "I suppose... I would want to marry..."
The blood roared in his ears, nearly obscuring her answer. What in hell had possessed him to...?
"...someone very like yourself, Katsuro-san." Then she gasped and covered her mouth, shock written plain on her features. "I mean... that is to say..." She gathered herself, hands clenched tight before her. "But it is a theoretical question, is it not?"
"Oh yes," he replied faintly, near to expiring with conflicting joy and agony. "Theoretical, of course."
It was not the answer he'd been expecting at all. He'd expected her to say that she would never consider anything outside her current path, that her calling was everything. That she had answered the question at all had been a surprise...that she'd answered it as she had had nearly made him fall over with astonishment. So, she could have loved him if not for her calling... but she would not, not ever. It was a mixed blessing. He knew, now... but at the same time, the answer only made him long for it to be otherwise.
She was turning to walk away, and he was thankful. The sooner she was gone, the sooner he could fall apart without witnesses to his shame. But just as he thought the conversation was truly well and over, she stopped in her tracks. She did not turn to face him. "Why did you ask me that, Katsuro-san?"
"Because," he answered tiredly, not seeing a point to skirting around the point anymore, "I really wanted to know the answer."
"I will not betray my calling." She paused, shoulders shaking. "Not even for you."
"I understand. I would never ask that of you."
"But the question was not theoretical at all, was it."
He had to strain to hear her last words, but his heart sank at the pain in them. Of all the things he'd intended in asking, causing her distress was certainly not one of them. "No. I apologize for inflicting you with my own weakness. Forgive me."
"Don't!" she cried, finally whirling back to face him. "Don't ever apologize for that!"
Confounded, he could only stare at her.
"No one has ever wanted me that way before. Though I cannot reciprocate, I cannot express the way it makes me feel to know that you do. Please, don't ever apologize for finding me... desirable."
He was thunderstruck. "Naruka-sama..."
"Thank you. I should be thanking you. It may cause inner conflict, but without conflict, who in the world grows stronger?"
Bitter, so bitter. He longed to catch her up and smooth the harshness away from her features. "I love you," he said, the words falling out of his lips like they'd been hiding there waiting for their opportunity all along. It was her turn to be thunderstruck. "Or at least, I could. You are a person that I could love very deeply, Naruka-sama. But I realize that I may not, and so if you will permit me, I will withdraw now and never speak of it again."
Naruka's body went through a very complex series of motions and expressions then, so fast he could not follow. There was anguish in there, trepidation, hope, pain, anxiety... the list was very long and incomplete. She ended with her fists clenched at her sides and head lowered to hide her eyes. "No, I will not permit it."
"...What?"
She raised her head to stare at him desperately, a very strange and unrecognizable expression on her face. When she spoke, it was low, pleading and resigned. "I have come to realize that I cannot simply slam the door on this as I could with most things prior to it. Katsuro-san, you are also a person that I could love... given the opportunity. But I am torn, because I cannot see away to do both. I love my calling as a priestess far too much to turn from it, but neither can I seem to turn from you. I am torn, torn! Katsuro-san!"
His arms twitched with the need to hold her, and after a bare moment of fruitless, desperate resistance, he surrendered for the first time in his life and with two long strides closed the gap between them. His arms were like live things, reaching and curling around her trembling shoulders as he pulled her into him. "Don't worry about it for now, Naruka-sama. Just let it work out as it will in time."
She went stiff as a tree in his embrace, but when he stayed still and made no move to threaten her further, she relaxed and tentatively returned the chaste embrace. Her head slipped into the notch beneath his chin as though it had been designed to rest there. He stroked her hair and let her cry, dying inside. Having known this bliss even for one moment, he knew he would never, ever be able to move away from her without losing everything important to him.
She wept out loud, and he wept silently. They held each other and tried not to fall apart.
It was a battle neither of them could really afford to lose.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A/N- Well? Well? It's better, isn't it? Thank you, ALF! ::throws arms around beloved beta and does ridiculous dance of glee::
Leave a concrit review, help to make me a better writer! Please!