InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Once Upon an Inuyoukai ❯ Confession ( Chapter 23 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

A/N-- Huge thank you goes out to my beloved beta-reader, ALF, for her work on this chapter. The first half of it gave me a lot of trouble and was absolute excrement until she smartened me up. It's better now, but still undergoing edits so bear with me on this.

The second half, however, should please some of you, I'm thinking. :grins: Read slowly, there's a lot of important information crammed into this chapter you'll need for later.

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. All I own is my imagination, but that's more than enough for me.




The morning after the rescue, Izayoi woke late to a bustling campsite and the taste of winter in the air. The colours of the world seemed muted and grey. The sky, usually a deep and vibrant shade of blue, was pale and washed out like old fabric, and the sun itself had an ashen glow. There was one solitary finch in a tree, chirping solemnly. All the others had journeyed for warmer climes not long before.

She sat slowly up and rubbed the crust of sleep from her eyes. It became immediately apparent to her that something was not right. Her friends bustled about the campsite busily, making breakfast and stoking the fire, or were hunched over maps, planning the route for the day. Naruka was turning over the roasting vegetables on the fire. Sakenmaru was hunting for firewood. Katsuro had the aforementioned maps, and Sesshoumaru was doing his usual 'pretend I am not here' routine in a tree nearby. But where was...?

"Naruka-chan?" she murmured muzzily.

The priestess looked up from her task and smiled. "Welcome back to the world of the living, aneue. Do you need something?"

"Where's Inutaisho?" she asked, feeling his absence keenly.

Naruka's face grew hooded and her smile died.

Something twisted in Izayoi's chest.

"Izayoi, he left," the priestess began uncomfortably. "For three weeks. He didn't tell anyone but Sesshoumaru where he was going, or why. Said it was a secret."

"Three weeks?" Izayoi howled, stunned and suddenly very much awake. "He left for three weeks without saying goodbye or saying where he was going? That...!" The words of frustration died in her mouth and she bit her lip, swallowing the lump in her throat.

They'd shared something on that return flight that she felt sure not even he could deny, and she'd been hoping to come to some conclusion about it with his help. That would be rather difficult to do if he was not present to talk to! His abrupt departure left her staggering and off balance, unsure of where to step next. It was aggravating, not knowing where she stood with him and vice versa. The time for games and dancing around each other had come to an end, and she knew he understood that.

So where was he, and why had he gone?

"Calm down, Izayoi-hime," Katsuro said from across the campfire, tearing himself away from his beloved maps. "He told Sesshoumaru where he was going, so if there's an emergency we can reach him. Nobody else knows where he is, so there's little danger of anyone tracking him down and doing him harm. There is no need to worry about him."

"What makes you think I'm worried about him?" She was in fact much more worried about their own safety in his absence, knowing what was most likely coming behind them.

Katsuro understood her concern. "We'll be fine with Sesshoumaru. He may not be his father's equal just yet, but he is more than powerful enough to counteract any threat coming against us in the next couple of days."

Sesshoumaru's silence was very loud, to indicate just what he thought of the phrase 'not his father's equal just yet.'

"Wait... couple of days? I thought you said three weeks?" Izayoi hugged her sides and furrowed her brow to fend off the nasty feeling of confusion. The feeling of abandonment she shoved deep into her gut, to be dealt with later. It formed a stone in her belly that made her slightly nauseous, but she steadfastly ignored it in favour of finding out what the hell was going on.

Sakenmaru cut in. "While you were gone, we concocted a plan. It will take a few days to put in place, though. Once it's done, we should be reasonably safe."

"Plan...?" Izayoi asked, feeling rather left behind. "How much did I miss, exactly?"

Naruka walked up and put a gentle hand on Izayoi's shoulder. "Quite a lot, actually. I'll explain as we walk. The army should be almost there already, so we need to get going."

"The army? Where's it going?"

Patiently, Naruka linked her arm through the very confused seer's and began to walk, thus effectively setting her in motion as well. Izayoi was silently grateful for the shared warmth-- winter had well and truly arrived, and the air smelled of snow. Frost-encrusted vegetation crunched beneath their feet, and the fine mist of melting rime drifting down from silvered tree branches made the air thick and foggy.

"As I was just about to explain... with Sesshoumaru's help, we've located a reasonably large valley in a well hidden place in the mountains. We're relocating the army there for as much training in fighting demons as we can manage before the dragons come after us."

Izayoi stopped and held up her free hand. "That would make sense if it was any other enemy but this one, but with Ryuunomei-sama's magical abilities, he won't have any trouble finding us. In addition to that, Inutaisho did a lot of damage to him when he rescued me-- I have little doubt that he'll be coming after us now rather than later. Which means we have a grand total of three weeks or so while his wounds heal before he's on our tail. Hiding in a remote valley won't do any good unless you have some way of hiding it magically too...." Izayoi trailed off, still confused.

Naruka was laughing.

"What?"

"If you would just let me talk for a minute," Naruka giggled, "I would maybe be able to finish explaining?"

"You weren't done?" Izayoi blushed, blood rushing to her chilled cheeks. "Oh! I'm sorry, please continue."

Naruka only smiled at her embarrassment, looked ahead, and kept talking. "As I was saying... that's where you come in. With my miko abilities and your own magical strength, we should be able to perform this new spell I created. If it works, it will create a sort of spherical barrier around the entire valley. It won't stop anything from coming in, as that would take more power than all of us have combined, but it will make any searching eyes slide right over the valley without finding anything out of place. An illusion, of sorts, but better."

Izayoi, needless to say, was very impressed. "That's a really good idea."

"Thank you." Naruka smiled, obviously pleased. "On top of that, I've already taken steps to ensure that nobody but the leader of the army in Katsuro's absence knows where it is or how to get to it. Anyone who tries to get there without having been told by one of us specifically where it is will get magically lost and walk in circles until they give up. Trust me-- while you were gone, we thought about it long and hard from every angle. We don't think there's any major loopholes. It should hold strong for quite a long while, long enough at least to train the army well enough to get the job done."

Izayoi sobered and looked down. "Good. I want as few of them to die as possible. I know they have their own reasons for fighting, so I don't feel too terribly guilty about using them, but still... I don't want to see anyone die. There's already been so much blood around this whole thing."

They both fell silent, remembering unbidden the red fields of northern Shikoku as they'd passed over on their way south after the destruction of the barrier. The barrier of mana had been merciless. People living near it on the side of the buildup were subjected to a saturation of their entire body of mana, and then an oversaturation. Dying from the bursting of the mana banks within one's body looked physically much like having every vein in the body exploded from within. It was a grotesque and hideous death, and Shikoku had seen thousands of them. It was a wasteland that would take years to recover, if it ever did.

"Rest assured, if we have our way, as we intend to, most of them should survive. Never before have humans been trained in killing demons by demons. That gives us a distinct advantage, as the dragons won't even think of the possibility of us using humans to fight them. They'll be looking elsewhere. Sakenmaru guarantees it. Right?"

"Yes, my dear," Sakenmaru confirmed. "I have known Ryuunomei long enough to know that at least. And with your spells, he shouldn't even hear of the army's assembly until it's far too late to find them. The army brought their families along this time on our recommendation, so there isn't even anyone for them to hold ransom against us with. The valley has enough resources combined with what the army is bringing with them in wagons to sustain us for nearly a year. If ever we run low, we can also run the risk of sending a small, well-guarded party out for supplies."

Izayoi began to accept the thought that the plan just might work. "So that's where we're going, then. Where are all those people going to sleep? There's a good ten thousand of them!"

"There is a large cave system in the mountains of the valley, and since we'll be there for a while we'll also be building a fair number of rough lodgings. All of this has been put to them already, and they're more than ready to get started. Their willingness to work hard and live rough is very admirable to me. They surprise me at every turn."

There was a long silence, broken only by the drip of dew off leaves and the gentle thuds of their footprints on the now mostly thawed earth. The air, though now crisp and fresh, felt heavy on their heads.

"That's what revenge will do to you," Izayoi said softly, suddenly. "They'd be willing to sleep in the mud for three years with only maggot-infested rice to eat if it meant they could avenge their fallen kin in Shikoku and northern Kyushu. And that is why I fear Ryuunomei-sama's retaliation. The need for revenge is that powerful."

VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV

"You again!" Totosai grumbled upon greeting the exhausted inuyoukai. "What do you want?"

Totosai's volcanic cave was as unpleasant as ever, belching smoke and steam and surrounded by a mountainside of cracked, barren dirt. Inutaisho would have gladly been anywhere else, but he had a mission to accomplish. "I know the Sword of Earth's name and purpose," he said without preamble. "I need it done in less than a month."

The astonished fire demon gaped at him for a long moment, then frowned menacingly. "You can't just walk in and say something like that! Things like this take time and preparation..."

"Save your rant for later. Right now, I need that sword. And it cannot take as long as Tenseiga did."

Totosai was livid. "Listen here, you little runt! I am a master of my craft! You are supposed to beg me to make you a sword and be willing to wait as long as it damn well takes to do it!"

The dog demon was having none of it. He crossed his arms and stared the decidedly shorter demon down. "Totosai," he growled, "we both know that you have been waiting for this for centuries. You cannot resist the temptation of one-upping your ancient rival, Sou'unga's creator. You know he will be furious if he sees from beyond death that you got to create two of the trilogy while he only got to make one. You will be remembered far more heroically than he will if you make it. I know you, old man, and I know that despite all your blustering you cannot wait to get started. So please, just forge the sword now and grumble later."

"Impudent whelp," the swordsmith grumbled, knowing he had lost. The chance to top his late rival Mihoujin's accomplishments truly was irresistable. He sighed heavily and picked up a great pair of tongs, nearly as tall as he was. "Go on then, get outside and do your thing."

Inutaisho smiled a smile that did not reach his eyes, turned, and strode out of the cave. Once there, he transformed into his greater demonic form and stoically endured the agony as the now-tiny smith wrenched out one of his fangs by the root.

Transforming back, he followed Totosai back into the cave.

Back inside, he dropped momentarily into a shallow form of meditation to deal with the sensory barrage that was the forge. His sensitive nose was shrieking in pain at the acrid stench of heated metal and vaporizing impurities. The arrhythmic clanging of the hammer assaulted his ears. The sweltering heat made him itch. In short, the forge was probably the least pleasant place he'd ever spent any length of time in.

"How long do you think before the sword is done?" he asked hopefully once he'd gotten his senses back under control.

The swordsmith smiled wickedly, knowing exactly the source of the dog demon's discomfort. "So impatient! I told you earlier, since I've already had the plans in my head for such a long time, it won't take nearly as long as Tenseiga did. At most, two weeks. Then I need to show you how to use it, which with your quick head for learning should only take another week."

Inutaisho smiled in satisfaction at his accurate estimate of the time he would be gone. "Wonderful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get out of this air before my nose falls off."

"Harrumph." Totosai tried desperately to repress a grin and failed. He really was quite fond of the pup, despite his arrogance and overbearing manner.

The tortured dog demon escaped thankfully into the sharp winter air and flew far enough away from the cave that he could no longer hear the hammer. He found a nice little sheltered ledge on the next mountain over, looking out onto a sea of frozen trees. The coldest season had arrived at last, and looked to be settling in for a long stay. He burrowed a seat in the snowbank covering the ledge and got comfortable. It was cold but not nearly as unbearable as the heat within the forge-cave.

For a while, he simply watched the winter-birds fly and felt the earth falling asleep around him. It was peaceful and serene, without any hint of the chaos about to be unleashed upon it when all the preparations on both sides were complete. The world had fire and death in its future, but right now knew nothing of that. It was silent and silverblue, and innocent. It soothed him to look at it.

However, with nothing to do for two weeks stretching ahead of him, his thoughts inevitably turned to Izayoi, a much less calming topic.

What to do about her? he mused wryly. She was like a pleasurable disease-- corrosive, all-invasive, and welcome. Every cell of his body was joyfully addicted to her presence, and he could not bring himself to mind overmuch.

But.... there was always the fact of her species. It wasn't her relative lack of power compared to him. It really wasn't. In fact, her physical frailty only made him want to protect her all the more, like a fragile night-blooming blossom that could not bear the wind. However, he realized as soon as he pictured it that the analogy was inaccurate. She was strong, in her own way. He did not forget that she had saved his life. Then what was it that made it so hard to allow himself to get closer to her? It seemed so... irrational.

He curled up in the warm softness of the pale demon pelt that hung down his back.

The question enticed him. What was it about humans that had caused the youkai in the very beginning to make relationship with them taboo?

He refused to believe it was simply because of their lack of destructive power. That was far too shallow, far too transient. The real reason had to be deeper than that. Much deeper.

Neither could it be that humans were too different from youkai. They weren't, not really. They all felt the same emotions, wanted the same things. Strangely enough, the higher level the youkai, the more similar to humans they became, as though... almost as though being human was the ultimate goal. Which was, of course, impossible. However, the parallel was disquieting indeed. The more powerful the demon, the more humanlike....

Except in lifespan.

Something was niggling at him related to that, and he chased it through the pulsing shadowed halls of his mind. That was the greatest difference between high level youkai and humans, other than sheer destructive power: lifespan. Humans had short, brilliant lives that ended before the world had time to notice they were there. Demon's lives stretched on across ages, until seasons blurred and the difference between individual days vanished altogether.

What would be the fate of any demon and human who dared to be together?

Tragedy, of course.

Humans would age and die before demons ever truly had the chance to love them in the ageless, deep way that demons preferred to love. Their prime would pass in mere eyeblinks, and they would spend the majority of their lives wrinkled and unlovely. Their minds would fade, if they were lucky enough to even have time to decline. They would decay bit by bit until eventually their veins and muscles and flesh became too tired to carry them any longer. They would fall apart while the demon, still perfect and radiant, could only watch and grieve.

That was it, Inutaisho realized in a blinding agony of enlightenment.

Relationship with humans could only ever lead to grief for the demon half of the union. There could be no other outcome. A brief, passionate flame, and then decay and death. Just as terrible, the human half would have to feel themselves die a little, day by day, while their lovers remained eternally perfect and desirable. It would ruin them, their fragile egos that endlessly sought comfort in equality with each other.

Married human couples of decades were comfortable only because they could feel their partners rotting along with them, losing their beauty and vivacity at the same frightening rate. It made them feel like they were not alone, if their partner aged at the same rushed rate. Demons would not be able to comfort them that way, being perfect whether or not they wanted to be.

That was why relationship with humans was taboo. It was because it never ended well. The old rule was there to protect both sides, not to make humans inferior! They had misinterpreted gravely the true meaning and intention of it.

He pictured life as it would have to be with Izayoi.

For a decade or so, it would be wonderful, brilliant, shining. They would love with all the fire of their beings, with all the power their souls possess. They would revel in each other's beauty, exploring, touching, tasting, worshipping. Their love would be like a prayer to the divine presence, worded in their own ecstasy.

Then, she would begin to age. Her limbs would deteriorate until walking became painful. Her face and skin would droop with weariness and lose their glow. Her hair would turn grey and ashen like the bones of dead fires. She would look at him and see only what she once had and lost. Envy and inferiority would become her bedmates, lying always between him and her.

And then... she would die, and he would have nothing.

He remembered Mai's death. He remembered the way he had lost all will to live, but for his newborn son who needed him. He remembered feeling as though he had lost half his flesh, half of his limbs, half of everything that really mattered. The world had turned to shades of grey and lost all beauty, all colour, all warmth and shine and radiance. He had died with her, and learned to live again only through necessity.

Izayoi's presence dragged him bodily back into the painful glory of living. Colours were so sharp when she was near him, they hurt his eyes. Living was beautiful, but it hurt.

He had loved Mai with all his heart. That was something he would never doubt or question. Their love had been bright and beautiful, and everlasting. It had also been tranquil and calm. There had been no great highs of passion, no soul-destroying lows of anger and rejection. The river of their love had been glassy, free of turbulence. They had been the best of friends, but hardly the best of lovers. They had never met the divine in their worship of each other.

Izayoi could give him that. The short candle of her life was fierce and volatile, and would drag him along for the ride whether he was willing to follow or not. She could take him to Paradise, and show him Hell.

Mai's death had nearly killed him. Izayoi's would kill him without any doubt. He knew that if he chose to follow her and let her show him the prismatic transience of human existence, losing her and it would mortally wound him. If he chose to love her, his days were numbered exactly as hers were. He would not outlive her by any discernable length of time.

Was it worth the risk?

Yes.

Was it worth it, losing centuries or millennia of life just to experience mere moments of true living?

Yes.

Was it worth it, the pain and grief that would come from watching her die little by little every day, without being able to do anything? Was it worth the feelings of impotence and desperation that loving her would bring?

Yes. A thousand times, yes.

The proud demon lord of the West looked the Truth in the face and knelt in reluctant surrender. It was time for confession.

He took a deep mental breath and watched the snowflakes fall. There was no one near to witness his downfall, he knew, but old thought patterns and attitudes died hard. He buried his claws in his palms and closed his eyes. The time for running and hiding had come and gone. Now it was time to stand and accept.

I love her, he thought to himself. Surprisingly, the thought was not painful as he had thought it would be. It felt... relieving. Denial was hard work-- this was easy. Encouraged, he continued, falling deeper and deeper into the truth.

I love her.

Still no pain. Her face floated through his mind, sad and keenly beautiful. His heart twisted.

I love her more than I can find words for, almost more than I can find feeling for. She is the most beautiful, flawed, evanescent, doomed thing I have ever seen.

He felt as though he was being bathed in cold river water, and all the black dirt of his flawed beliefs were peeling away and floating off. He let go of all his fear and allowed himself to simply feel.

I want to touch her.

I want to know her.

I want to understand her, everything about her.

I want to kiss her and feel her surrender to me, feel her trusting me.

I want to make love to her until the gods themselves bear witness to the sacredness of our union.

I want to argue with her until the walls tremble.

I want to watch her grow old.

I want to hold her as she dies, and follow her down into darkness.

I want to follow wherever she goes, and I want to lead her to places she would never have seen without me.

I want to live forever with her, despite all the things about her that should disgust me. Despite all the things about her that I should feel nothing but disdain for.

I love her.

I choose to love her.

There. That was the center of it, the middle of everything. Loving her was not an emotion he felt. It was something he did. Love, real love, was not a mere transient feeling. Love was an action, and he chose with a clear mind to practice it.

I have decided to practice loving her... even when I don't feel like it, even when I'm not feeling it. I have decided to give her everything.

Why?

I do not know. If I listen very hard, I can hear the gods telling me that I should not know why. It is one of life's great mysteries. So be it. I love her, and I choose to love her.

He resigned himself to an early death.

The fact that he was inextricably bound to her whether he wanted to be or not was already determined and undeniable. The option of pushing her away was no longer open to him.

So, what to do when he returned to the valley, to her?

He felt more at peace than he had since Mai's death. He knew exactly where he stood and what he wanted, for the first time in a very, very long time. But what of her? Did she know what she wanted?

And if she did, was he part of it? He had finally admitted to himself that he wanted her, but did she want him back? He thought so. She had certainly given him enough non-verbal hints that she did. Unless he'd somehow forgotten everything he'd ever learned about how to interpret human behaviour, she desired him just as much as he desired her. His nose could not lie, and her desire smelled like lilies. It was impossible to miss. His attentions would not be unwelcome.

But should he take the initiative? Or should he wait for her to come to her own realizations, and approach him on her own? Should he sweep her off her feet, or wait for her to come to terms with the horror that was her ancient past as a child at the hands of Ryuunomei, and the horror that was her recent past as a woman at the hand of Ryuunomei? Should he drive her helplessly into the chaos of emotion that was love, or should he wait for her to be well and truly ready?

No.

She would never be 'ready.' Readiness was an illusion. No one was ever ready to love truly, deeply, passionately. It came upon people unawares and made them forget their fears and insecurities and egos. There was no point waiting for something that would never happen.

He pictured his return to her.

Izayoi? I... desire you. No. Too uncertain, too wavering and fearful.

Izayoi: I want you. No. Too overbearing and inconsiderate.

I love you. You are mine and I will give you everything. Too apologetic and explanatory, as though he needed an excuse to love her deeply.

I love you. I desire you. You are mine.

He would return and hunt her down amidst the seething mass of army. Then he would pull her into the nearest empty tent. Then, he would put his hands on her shoulders, look deeply into her eyes, and say his piece.

And then... he would wait for her reaction and subsequent decision. Calmly.

He felt like killing something to take his mind off the possibility of a negative reply.

'Calm' my foot. I have never been so terrified in my life. Do not think. Do not think!

He dropped into meditation and cleared his mind before he could lose it. The frightening thoughts dissipated.

He suddenly realized how cold he was. The snow was melting and soaking whatever part of him touched it, and any part of him that was not covered by the pelt was numb. It was definitely time to go back inside, despite the sensory overload waiting there.

He stood up and smiled. It felt good to know how he felt.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A/N-- This story has made it to the voting stage of the competition on Inuyasha Fanguild. If any of you are members and feel so inclined... there it is. The category I'm finalized on is Best Action/Adventure, but I suspect I'll also be making it with Best Romance: Alternate Pairing. Wish me luck!

Love,
Empatheia