InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ One Summer ❯ Naraku's Secret Obsession ( Chapter 9 )

Chapter 9: Naraku's Secret Obsession

 

“Oh …the pain,”

 

“My head!”

 

“My arm!”

 

“My spleen!”

 

Yes, cries of anguish filled the air as the group struggled to yank themselves up from the rubble.

 

“Well,” said the old man, in a suspiciously disappointed tone, “now we won't have to rappel in.”

 

Inu-Yasha breathed the breath of the relieved. Whew. Just like that. The old man righted Agnes's hat, which was slightly askew from the fall.

 

“How is that thing so unharmed?” asked bruised-in-pain-and-still-covered-with-weird-grayish-lumps Miroku. It was a weirdly phrased sentence but hey, give the guy a break, he just dropped a significant distance into a hole in the ground.

 

“Comes of being a cactus. Family: Cactaceae, subfamily: Cereiodeae, to be specific.” Said a small, affected voice that could only have come from—oh dear.

 

No way.

 

No cactus-talking way.

 

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Meanwhile, in another area of feudal Japan:

 

“Master Jaken, have you seen Lord Sesshoumaru recently?

“No … now that you mention it, can't say that I have”

“Hmm” said Rin, sitting down.

“Hmm” said Jaken, standing up.

Wait—bwuh?

“That was … strange” said Rin.

“And pointless, “added Jaken.

 

And so, they went to go search for Sesshoumaru.

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“Did that cactus just talk?” asked Kagome.

“Well…yeah…what did you think, I was just some crazy old guy talking to a plant?”

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“ Lord Sesshoumaru!' called Rin, checking behind a tree.

 

“Lord Sesshoumaru?” called Jaken, checking behind a - holy pig on a side winding baby carriage! That wasn't a boulder!

 

Jaken and Rin came face to face, cheek to cheek and, worst of all, gut to gut, with a huge grey … thing. It looked exactly like a boulder, but it couldn't be a boulder…because, as far as Jaken knew, boulders didn't grunt, move, or try to suffocate you with their massive hillbilly hangover.

 

Jaken struggled in vain to pull himself from the creature's huge, and decidedly hard, stomach.

 

“Master Jaken,” whispered Rin, “Is that a demon?”

 

“Mmmph,” said Jaken, who was still getting closely acquainted with the great-grand-daddy of all beer bellies.

 

“I is Boulder!” it rumbled, making the ground shake. “I eat you now!”

 

Well, thought Jaken, this won't end well.

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Meanwhile … somewhere else (bear with me)

 

Kagura had come to a decision. Naraku must die. Painfully. Slowly, if possible. She had decided on poison. Poison was good. Easy to conceal. Now, this was not a well-known fact, but Naraku has a secret obsession.

 

No, not that. Get your minds out of the gutter!

 

Not that, either. Out I say!

 

Naraku's secret obsession was: pudding. Specifically, vanilla pudding. Now, one day, Kagura crept into Naraku's bedroom and snuck a peak (OUT OF THE GUTTER) at

the pudding.

 

She immediately understood why he liked it so much. Naraku was really very much like the pudding; they had a lot in common. Both were squishy and gelatinous, beneath the outer skin, and both could be molded into different shapes.

 

So, Kagura had acquired some very potent poison from a local witch at a very reasonable price. Naraku had been so distracted lately, that he'd barely noticed. He ate a lot of pudding. Some days, he woke up with a little dribble of pudding sliding out from the corner of his mouth and down his chin.

 

This, of course, is as disgusting as it is irrelevant, but, dammit, Kagura had to witness it, so you will too!

 

Kagura knew that there was no way he could resist the pudding. And, now, with Naraku so distracted, was the perfect time to strike. She mixed the poison into the pudding with glee. She smirked as she imagined Naraku consuming her tainted pudding and dying a horrible, pudding-filled death, swirling in an eternal abyss of pudding-based torment.

 

It was almost poetic. He'd die how he lived: stuffed with pudding. And poison. Okay, maybe he didn't live stuffed with pudding and poison. Just the pudding. No poison. But now … all that would change.

 

She left the pudding out on a rock by the river, and hid in a tree to watch the show.

 

Summoned by the sweet, sweet scent of pudding, Naraku arrived shortly.

 

“Puddin'!” Naraku exclaimed, under his breath, “Yes, I … love pudding.”

 

He chuckled to himself and began to hum the Puddin'-Eatin'-Song, very quietly, to himself. The words to this song will not be reproduced here, due to the sheer mental trauma they would cause. Suffice to say, the word `puddin'' is used more than once, and `yummy' and `tummy' are mentioned.

 

Naraku lifted the bowl to his lips …