InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Palm of Your Hand ❯ Letting Go ( Chapter 15 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko
Takahashi, not me. I'm just having fun and making no money doing
it.
Letting Go
"Kagome…?"
"Hmm?"
"There's...something else I think I should tell
you." InuYasha said hesitantly from where he lay spooned behind her
in her bed.
Kagome turned her head, craning her neck in
attempt to see his face. "O-kay…" she drawled
out apprehensively. At this point she wasn't really sure what to
expect.
"Well..." he began as he propped his head on
his elbow. "it's not a big deal or anything, but...I said I wasn't
going to keep anything from you anymore so… You'd want to
know if someone was lying to you, right?" he asked.
"You mean, someone like Ru?"
InuYasha furrowed his brow. "Yeah... How did
you know?"
"Ru lies." she shrugged. "I've lived with him
for years. I guess I've just gotten used to it. Plus, who else
could you have been talking about?"
"Oh, yeah...right…" he said, scratching
his head. "So do you know what I'm going to tell you,
then?"
"That he's not gay?" she remarked
casually.
"So you've known all this time and you just
went along with it?" he asked.
"I guess so." she said, absentmindedly pulling
at a loose thread in the hem of her sheets. "I mean, I believed him
at first, but once I got to know him I figured it out. I just
figured that he would tell me the truth eventually, but then when
he never did I just kinda forgot about it. I mean, it's easy to
forget when he never shows any interest in anyone, male
or female.
It's not like he has some active social life that he has to keep
hidden from me."
"He's never shown any interest in finding a
mate. That's not uncommon for higher level youkai, though."
InuYasha said, trying not to let any irritation show in his
voice. 'Can that little shit do no
wrong in her eyes?! If I lied to her like this I'd be getting a new
asshole put in right about now.' he
thought to himself. Had he secretly hoped Kagome would be angry
with Ru? Yes…in all honesty he had. And it made him feel like
a selfish bastard. 'But is it so
wrong to want a little proof that your girlfriend doesn't love some
other guy more than she loves you?' he thought. It wasn't like him to be so insecure. Scratch
that. It was exactly
like him, at least when it came to her. The old
him would confront her about it...but the last thing he wanted to
be was the old him.
"What do you mean by 'higher level youkai'?"
she asked.
"Really powerful youkai, like Ru. A lot of
times they never find mates or have children. They don't even have
any interest. Of course, a lot of them are sociopaths too... I
kinda worried about Ru when he was a kid, thinking he might turn
out like that because he never cried or got nervous or embarrassed
like other kids do."
"He still doesn't do any of those things."
Kagome chuckled.
"Yeah, but he feels the important emotions,
like love and empathy...and those are kinda rare among
youkai."
She nodded in understanding. "How powerful is
he, anyway?"
"Honestly? For his age, I've never met a
stronger youkai."
"Wow…" she said in genuine wonder. "You'd
never know by the way he acts."
InuYasha snorted. "Yeah, he's pretty carefree.
Which is probably a good thing, seeing as how he could destroy half
the city before breakfast if he decided to."
Kagome let that sink in for a moment. "So...you
don't think he's ever…"
"Had sex?" he finished for her. "I know he
hasn't." he said shaking his head.
"Damn...he seems pretty worldly for a
virgin..."
"Well, he's been around a long time. That sort of
gives him 'equivalent experience' I guess you could
say..."
"Not sure what you'd consider 'equivalent
experience' for sex, but okay…" Kagome chuckled. "So do you
think maybe he's, like…asexual or
something?"
"I guess it's possible." he nodded against her
shoulder. "Hell, he might actually be gay. I don't think
even he knows. I mean, you have to be attracted to someone to know,
right? But I'd have said this same thing about my brother before he
took a mate, too. Five hundred seems old to humans, but Ru actually
isn't that much older than Sesshomaru was when he was born. So, you
never know. I just don't think he's ever met anyone he would
consider a compatible mate, and like I told you before, youkai
aren't going to feel attraction towards someone that doesn't have
mate potential."
Kagome chuckled. "So, I guess that means he
didn't think I
made the grade, then." she said, feigning
offense.
She felt InuYasha's warm breath against the
side of her neck as he expelled it through his nose in a huff. "You
don't have to sound so goddamn disappointed about it." he snapped,
no small measure of bitterness in his voice.
"InuYasha." Kagome
addressed him in a somewhat scolding tone. "I was just joking, I'm
not disappointed." She grabbed his hand that was at her waist,
squeezing it and rubbing her thumb over it soothingly.
"Why would you fucking say something like that
to me?" he said as he jerked his hand away from her grasp, his mood
abruptly going sour.
She rolled over onto her back and turned her
head to face him. "Something like what? It was a
joke, InuYasha... but clearly you have no sense of humor..." she
said agitatedly.
"No, you're the one that has a
fucked up sense of humor, Kagome. Would you think it was so goddamn
hilarious if I
was the one obsessed with some other woman?!"
he said as he pulled away and sat up straight with his back to
her.
Kagome sat up next to him, tucking the sheet
under her arms to hold it to her chest. "In case you've
forgotten, InuYasha, I know
exactly what
that's like; and no, I didn't think it was hilarious at all. But
the difference here is, I'm not obsessed with
Ru. You just need to calm down!" she said, her voice raised
slightly.
"You just can't see it, can you?" InuYasha said
coldly, without turning to look at her. "If it is a joke, then can you
honestly tell me that you wouldn't be his mate right now if he had
wanted you to be?"
Kagome silently pondered over her answer for
several seconds, choosing her words carefully. "Ru and I are close,
and I know I talk about him a lot...but I'm not obsessed with him.
And I'm not in love with him or whatever else it is you
think you
know. He was just the only halfway decent thing in my life for a
long time… He made me laugh again, and feel happy again
during a time when I honestly didn't care whether I lived or died.
I know that seems like a small thing but…he was my anchor
through the darkest times of my life." she said shaking her head.
"When my heart was so heavy I thought I would never move forward,
he came along and lightened it…" She paused to let out a
breath. "And to answer your question, no...the honest answer is
no...I couldn't say that I wouldn't be with him now had things been
different…but I couldn't say that I would be either. I just
don't know. But regardless... you can't take it personally
when you weren't here...I believed you were
dead. I had every reason to believe that." she said.
'I wasn't here…it could have been me
making her happy, but I wasn't here...and he was.'
InuYasha thought to himself. He took in a slow
breath and released it through his nose. "Well, I'm here now, and
I'm doing the fucking best that I can, Kagome, but I feel like I'm
sharing you with him and it's killing me. I want to be your
anchor. I want to be the person that makes you happy now." He lifted
his left hand to his face, rubbing his temples with his thumb and
middle finger for what felt, to Kagome, like an inordinately long
amount of time. "Am I not enough for you?" he asked
dejectedly.
The pain in his voice, and the knowledge that
she was the source of that pain caused Kagome's heart to ache. She
rubbed her hand over his back soothingly as she leaned forward to
look him in the eyes. "Look at me." she said, and he obeyed,
dropping his hand down and turning his head to the side, locking
eyes with her. "You are more than enough, InuYasha. I've never
loved anyone like I love you, and I never stopped loving you.
You're everything to me, and I'm sorry for anything I've done to
make you feel less than that." she said sincerely.
InuYasha sighed. "I'm trying to let this go,
Kagome, but you make it really fucking difficult for me to let go
when you make jokes about being someone else's mate. Whether it's a
joke or not...it makes me feel insecure and I'd appreciate if you
didn't do it anymore…" he said in the most diplomatic tone he
could muster under the circumstances.
"I promise you I won't joke about stuff like
that anymore, okay? You have no reason to feel insecure, but I know
it's not easy to control what you feel sometimes... but you need to
learn to trust me, InuYasha. You need to trust that I love you more
than anyone or anything." she took his hand and squeezed. "If you
really trusted me you'd have no reason to feel jealous."
InuYasha, in turn, grabbed her and lifted her
to sit in his lap, her back to his chest. "I do trust you, Kagome, but
you know what I'm like." he defended weakly as he buried his face in
her hair. "I get so
jealous. I can't help it. You couldn't
understand unless you felt what I feel..." he pressed a hand to her
heart.
Kagome reached up and squeezed the hand at her
chest and leaned her head back against his shoulder. "Yes, I know.
I'm sorry." she apologized.
"I'm sorry, too…" he nuzzled his face
against her throat, feeling her heart beating against his
cheek.
"We have bad tempers." he said.
Kagome couldn't help but chuckle a little at
that. "I know. I think we fight better when we're naked though."
she said.
InuYasha snorted a laugh. "Yeah, 'cause you
can't run out the door when you're naked."
Kagome giggled and InuYasha fell back down into
the bed on his back with a grunt, still holding her snuggly against
his chest. "Do you hold it against me, that I didn't come find
you?" he asked her softly.
"No." she shook her head. "It was a
misunderstanding. I probably would have done the same thing if I'd
have been in your shoes."
He pressed a kiss against her hair. "It
is a damn
good thing he didn't want you. I'd have hated to have to kill my
only nephew." he whispered against her ear.
Kagome smiled. "So you're allowed to make jokes
and I'm not?" she teased.
"I'm not joking, Kagome. He'd be sinking to the
bottom of the Pacific ocean in a steel drum as we
speak."
Kagome chuckled. "Well, that seems oddly
specific."
"You've lived with him. You can't tell me you
haven't daydreamed about how you'd do it." he said. Kagome could
tell from the tone of his voice that he was holding back a
laugh.
She giggled. "Well... there was this one time
we got snowed in for three days and the internet and satellite went
out. He decided to use the time to learn to play guitar…" She
let out a growl of frustration at the memory.
InuYasha chortled. "So how would you have done
it?" he asked.
"Strangled him with one of his guitar strings
while he slept." Kagome said without missing a beat.
InuYasha drew his knees up behind hers, still
chuckling as he began to trail kisses down her throat. Kagome
couldn't help but notice his growing arousal pressing against her
backside. "So these thoughts of murder are doing something for you,
then?" she asked as she pointedly wiggled against him.
InuYasha chuckled. "I can't help it! It's not
my fault you're so naked right now." he defended. Between the scent
of their previous activities, and the feel of her perfect little
round ass pressed against his groin, he was suddenly finding it
hard to focus on their conversation.
"Umm...yes it
is!" she giggled.
"Well..." He leaned in and nibbled at her
earlobe. "what's the point of fighting if we don't
make up afterwards?" he whispered as he continued to kiss and nip
his way down the side of her neck to her shoulder.
"Oh? I thought we already made up." she
said coyly.
"You know what, you're right." he said, lifting
his wrist in front of their faces and tapping his watch. "I
really should be getting back to work. Those computers aren't going to
install themselves you know..." he teased.
"Is that why you're trying to back me up onto
your hard
drive?"
InuYasha belted out a laugh. "Aha! So
you do know more about computers than you let on!"
She slowly slid her legs down from his knees to
straddle his thighs, her feet now flat against the mattress. "I'm
sure there's still plenty more you could teach me, Sensei..." she
said, as she reached down between her legs and positioned him at
her entrance.
"Mmm …" he groaned. "Maybe you could
assist me with some penetration testing…"
<<>>
When Ru arrived back at the apartment, he
immediately noticed something slightly out of the ordinary. Shirts
on the floor. He smirked. As he entered the room further, he could
clearly hear some mildly-disturbing, giggle-laced dirty talk
emanating from Kagome's room. He grabbed the remote and turned on
the television, making a point of turning it up extra loud so they
would know he was trying to drown them out. He really wasn't
interested in hearing his uncle talk about increasing his RAM
speed...
About twenty minutes, and several
'right there' and 'keep
going's later, they emerged from
Kagome's room, InuYasha still shirtless. Ru turned and looked at
them from his place on the sofa, grinning ear-to-ear.
"Why aren't you wearing a shirt, Yash? Are we
going swimming?!" he said, feigning childlike
enthusiasm.
"Shut up, Ru." InuYasha said as he grabbed his
shirt off the floor.
Ru snickered, taking pride in his own
wittiness. "You sure are grouchy for someone who just got
laid."
"Keh!"
Ru diverted his gaze to Kagome and noticed that
she looked like crap. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy and
bloodshot. "Are you sick, Kagome?" he asked her with genuine
concern.
"No, I'm fine, Ru. I've just been
crying."
"Oh...I didn't know you were a crier..." he
said, not even a hint of joking in his voice.
"No, baka! I mean I was crying
earlier. We
just had a misunderstanding, but we worked it out."
"Clearly." he drawled, waggling his
eyebrows.
InuYasha rolled his eyes as he tucked in his
shirt. "Yeah," he added. "and we decided we aren't going to keep
anything from each other anymore. No secrets." he said
pointedly. "Ya know what I mean?" InuYasha still wanted Ru to come
clean to Kagome on his own. Even if the cat was already out of the
bag.
"Yeah, I get it." Ru said, almost too casually.
"So what's going on anyway? Why aren't you at work."
"Kagome already told you, we had a
misunderstanding. I came here to set things straight. Now I have to
go back in." InuYasha said gruffly as he buckled his
belt.
"Aye, aye, Captain." Ru smarted off.
InuYasha ignored him as he turned his attention
back to Kagome. "I'll totally understand if you want to cancel our
dinner plans, but I'd really like for you and Izzy to meet each
other. If you don't want to cook we can get take out or
something."
Kagome nodded. "Sure. That would be
good…" she said. Trepidation apparent in her voice. "Umm...is
Ru coming?"
"If he wants to."
They both looked at Ru expectantly.
"Izzy's here?" Ru asked InuYasha.
InuYasha nodded.
"Are you sure you don't mind?" Ru asked
InuYasha, sensing the tension in the room.
"I'm sure." he answered matter-of-factly. "Izzy
will be disappointed if you don't come."
"Okay then." Ru shrugged.
"Okay, it's settled then!" Kagome said
smiling.
InuYasha turned away from them, towards the
exit, as he struggled to fight his agitation. He knew it was
unwarranted. She was nervous, and she had every right to be, and Ru
was a natural at defusing tension. It's not that he didn't want Ru
there, he just wished that Kagome didn't depend on him so much for
comfort; and even though he had agreed to stay here with her, he
still couldn't help but hope that she would change her mind.
That prospect was looking less likely all the time.
"I have to get back to work. You two just come
to my apartment around seven-thirty." he said, before grabbing his
concealment necklace from the coffee table, slipping it over his
head, and heading out the door without another word.
"Ah!" Kagome gave an
indignant huff. "Well goodbye to you, too!" she
called to him sarcastically.
InuYasha peeked back in the door to see Kagome,
arms crossed and pouting and he had to stifle a laugh. "Come here."
he commanded.
"No, you come here." she countered.
InuYasha re-entered the apartment and closed
half of the distance between them. "Now, you come here." he said,
pointing to the floor in front of him.
Ru watched the childlike display of
stubbornness with amusement.
Kagome hesitated a moment before finally
meeting InuYasha in the middle. He wrapped his arms around her
waist and lifted her to his eye level. "Goodbye, Kagome." he said
in a saccharine tone, carefully enunciating each syllable before
pressing his lips to hers in a chaste kiss.
"Bye." she returned, smiling despite the fact
that he was being a smartass. It was his natural state of being and
she wouldn't fault him for it. "I love you." she added. She wasn't
really one to overuse the sentiment, but he seemed like he could
use the reminder.
"I love you, too." he said as he sat her back
on her feet and turned to leave. "Seven-thirty." he reminded as he
exited the apartment.
<<>>
Kagome and Ru stood silent a few
moments.
"So, what was the big misunderstanding?" Ru
asked her as he pulled up a seat at the table.
Kagome let out a long breath. "I went to his
apartment and his daughter was there and I didn't know who she was.
I thought he was cheating on me." she said, sounding slightly
embarrassed as she took a seat next to him.
Ru snorted. "I promise you, you never have to
worry about anything like that. He's just not the type."
"I know... I really don't know why I do
that...jump to the worst possible conclusions…but it isn't
entirely my fault. If he hadn't kept things from me in the first
place then this wouldn't have happened."
"You didn't know he had kids?" Ru
asked.
"No. Why would I? The last time I saw him was
before you were born."
"Oh, that's right. I keep forgetting…"
Suddenly he had a random thought. "Kagome?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you going to do? I mean, you'll go
with him, won't you?"
"What do you mean?" she said, playing dumb. She
knew exactly what he meant.
"When Yash goes back home... you
are going
with him, right? You're not going to do some truly
asinine thing
like refuse to leave me...?" he asked
seriously.
"...I don't know, Ru…" she said solemnly.
"I mean... I know I want to be with him, but he can stay here just
as easily as I can go there..."
Ru narrowed his eyes. "Kagome, that isn't
even remotely true. How would it be just as
easy when neither of you are legal
residents? How could it be just as
easy for him to move away from
his kids? You haven't thought this through at all. You're making
excuses because you're afraid."
He was making some very good points, and it was
making her feel like a selfish dirt bag.
"You sound like you want me to leave." she
said accusingly.
"I do
want you to leave! I want you to leave, and get
married, and have babies, and live happily ever after, because I
fucking love you, Kagome. Neither of you are gonna be happy as long as
you stay here and hold onto me like a security blanket." He could
see the muscle in her jaw jump as her teeth clenched tightly.
"Can't you see that it bothers him? I know I tease him because I'm
an asshole, but can't you see that it hurts him every time you look
to me for validation?"
Of course she knew. She and InuYasha had just
had this conversation no more than half an hour ago.
"I love having you here with me," Ru continued
"and I'd keep you with me forever if I thought it was what was best
for you, but I know
it's not. If you refuse to leave, then you are
choosing me over him, and I'm not gonna let you do that. Not only
would it hurt your relationship with him, but it would
destroy his
relationship with me...and I've done enough harm to that as it
is..."
"I just wish I didn't have to choose." Kagome
said, running her fingers through her hair.
"You don't have to choose. You
just have to put him first. It's not like
you'll never see me again. We can still talk any time, day or
night. I'll come visit you...it isn't the stone age..."
"Why can't you just move back,
too?"
"I have a life here, Kagome. I can't just
leave." he argued weakly.
"That's bullshit, Ru. You could be an artist
anywhere, you're here for the same reasons I am. You
ran away."
"Be that as it may, I'm not going back." he
said shaking his head.
"What's your excuse then?"
"I'm still running." he said
honestly.
What could she say to that? It was as valid an
excuse as any. "But why
are you running?"
Ru sighed. "You don't know what it's like to
live in someone's shadow, Kagome. To always feel like everything
you do is shit and you can never measure up. I can't go back to
that."
"But what does it matter when the only person
who can see the fucking shadow is yourself?!"
"I'm the only person that needs to see it." he
said matter-of-factly.
Kagome rolled her eyes. "Gods, you're so
self-centered."
"Wow…talk about the fucking pot calling
the kettle black..." he said bitterly.
"You know what? You're just a coward." she
said, loudly slapping her hand against the formica tabletop,
eliciting a surprised jump from Ru. "You put on this fucking act of
confidence, when deep down you're just a coward. Terrified that
someone might disapprove of you or get their feelings hurt. You're
more content to live a lie than let someone see who you really
are...because God forbid they might not like what they
see."
"Sounds like somebody's been running their
mouth." he said.
"Don't drag him into this. This is between you
and me...and did you think I didn't already know? How fucking
stupid do you think I am? You may think you have everybody fooled,
but haven't fooled me, Ru Takahashi. I know you." she said,
poking his chest for emphasis. "And you can tell me that I'm
holding myself back from happiness, and that may be true, but don't
sit there and act like you're any better."
They sat staring each other down like two rabid
dogs.
Finally, Kagome lifted a hand to her face,
pinching the bridge of her nose and letting out a long sigh. "This
is pointless. I don't know why I even try getting through your
thick skull. Spend the rest of your damn life living alone playing
dominoes in the park with a bunch of old men. See if I care." she
said as she stood from her chair, the legs screeching across the
tile floor making Ru cringe.
"Look, Kagome." Ru said as he grabbed hold of
her hand to prevent her from walking out. He took in a deep breath
and released it slowly. "I don't think I'm better than you, okay? I
know I have my own issues to deal with, but our situations are
completely different. I don't know what it's like to have my heart
broken, but I can see what it did to you… It made you afraid
to let anything good into your life. Afraid that any happiness you
let yourself feel would be snatched away from you… but I'm
telling you, Kagome, I'm telling
you, if you don't get over that fear
and take a chance you'll never be happy. For both of you to be
happy you have to give your heart to him completely, and you can't
do that as long as you keep me as your safety net."
Kagome stood there, facing away from him,
listening silently.
"Do you remember what you told me, back when I
asked you about him?"
She nodded.
"Well, I agree with you one hundred percent.
He is good. He's the best. And he
does deserve
happiness...and so do you… I know you'll make the right
decision, because you
are good, and kind, and honorable to a
fault." he squeezed her hand as he echoed her own words back to
her.
After the morning she'd had, Kagome was
surprised she had any tears left as she lost the battle she had
been waging with her emotions once again. Ru reached out and pulled
her down into his lap in a tight hug as she shuttered and sniffled.
Warm salty droplets soaking into his shirt; the physical
manifestation of her fears pouring out of her.
When her sobs began to let up, she finally
spoke. "I'm gonna miss you like crazy…"
"I'm gonna miss you too, old girl." he said,
rubbing his hand over her arm as he hugged her close.
"I don't want you to be alone, Ru." she said
through her lingering tears.
"It's my choice, Kagome. It's not your
responsibility to take care of me." he said.
"But won't you be lonely?" she asked him as she
lifted her head to face him.
"I lived here alone for ten years before you
moved in. It'll take some getting used to, but I can do it. Maybe
I'll get a cat..." he joked.
"But you hate cats." she sniffled.
"True, but at least a cat won't eat all the
cashews out of the trail mix." he chuckled.
She let out a chuckle of her own, although she
couldn't help but feel terribly sad at the thought of Ru being
alone.
"Just don't start chewing up the furniture
after I'm gone…" she joked. Mostly trying to cheer herself
up.
Ru belted out a laugh. "Kagome! That's racist!"
he feigned indignation.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist." she said,
giggling despite the fact that making this decision right now was
scaring the hell out of her. Of course, she knew that she wanted to
be with InuYasha, but the thought of starting over
again was
terrifying. She knew that a better life lay in store for her back
in Japan, but she wished she could take this life with her, too. It
felt like a part of her was dying, albeit a part she wasn't
particularly proud of, it was still a loss, and she felt a tinge of
sadness at the thought of losing it… And she felt a huge
crushing sadness at the thought of losing Ru.
"Everything's gonna be alright, Kagome. You
just need to get your shit together." Ru said laughing as he slid
her back into her chair.
Kagome let out a mirthless chuckle. "I'm
trying, Ru. I swear to god, I'm trying…"
><<>><<>><
Authors notes:
><<>><<>><
*Hard drive, penetration testing, RAM speed are
all computer related double entendres, just in case that went over
anyone's head.
*The basic premise of this story (and the basic
premise of life in general, really) is this: You don't hold the
future in the palm of your hand. Things don't always turn out like
you expect they will. You can make mistakes and reap the
consequences, or you can do everything right and still things might
not turn out like you planned. That's life. We just make the best
of it, don't we? Well, we try.
*When I first started writing this story I
didn't imagine it would end up so full of feels. It's tearin' up my
heart, *NSYNC style.
*I love dialogue and coffee, and I never
realized just how much until I started writing this story. I think
the dialogue outweighs narrative three to one, and the characters
drink coffee in at least half of the chapters. Lol. Oh well. I do
love dialogue driven stories. I could probably tone the coffee
drinking down a bit though...
Once again, thank you kindly for reading and
reviewing. Whether you are fussing at the characters, or giving me
compliments that I'm sure I don't deserve, I adore reading your
comments.
Izumi will be properly introduced in the next
chapter, but no more OC's after her in this story.
Six chapters to go.
Have a glorious day,
StoatsandWeasels