InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Paradigm Shift ❯ Confession ( Chapter 12 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Paradigm Shift

Chapter Twelve: Confession

… … …

There’s a place in the time between awake and asleep where you can be part of the everything and nothing of the universe. A moment that goes on forever in an instant and cradles you tenderly in its incorporeal arms. You feel nothing except the wholeness that we fight for and crave every day. It is simple and complex and perfect and everything is right.

Then that all gets stripped away so fast and so cruelly. There’s that shock of emptiness that floods your existence without it, and your life’s contents spill into you and you’re awake.

For most people, the after that makes up consciousness is something neutral. They have to stretch their bodies to get used to them again. They open their mouths and inhale to try to draw that something back into them. It won’t come, though, and so they sit up and sigh and get ready to go about life; always searching for it.

Some try to recapture it by rolling over and screwing their eyes closed, hoping and trying and wanting for one more embrace of it.

Others turn over and reach out, finding the warmth of another body and they smile. They know that the perfect swirl of the vast is but a moment away. They hold it and they treasure it, and as lips meet they feel reality collide with dreams and even hope can’t compare because they’ve found the moment that surpasses all; they’ve found it and it will never be more than a smile away.

Still, others… others that have found a shadow of what they think might be… could be… they chase it and when it slips away from them and the truth makes them look into that void, they are torn asunder by the realization that it was almost within their grasp. That they had fooled themselves into this all consuming sea of torment by brushing their fingers against what might have been completion. The utter defeat of being so close that they could taste the reason for life only for it to be false… the pain of it makes them curl into themselves upon the realization that the gaping emptiness is still there, was never filled, had never really been close to the truth of it all. Then they cry and it hurts so much that everything hurts.

Kagome gasped as she was thrown into reality. She folded into herself and her fingers clawed desperately at the skin above her heart. She wanted it out because, on some level of existence, she knew that happiness originated and lived inside of it. As her blunt nails scraped and dug and scrambled for purchase and failed to touch or overcome the total destruction … she cried.

Silently, because it was something in her soul. Desperately, because she was hoping that the waters of her life essence might wash it all away.

When she felt the hesitant touch on her cheek, brushing her hair away from her face, she clutched it with everything she had. ‘Don’t let me fall, don’t let it take me, I’m afraid and I’m not ready to give up, but it hurts so much. I need this. Ground me. Distract me. Don’t go. I need you, now. Save me.’ Her soul screamed out.

And she was straddling his lap and clinging to him, wrapping herself around this kindred, answering emptiness that was searching just like she was. Telling her that she wasn’t alone.

The hand slid through her charged tresses. Each strand wavered with the static of her flaring aura and the reaching of her miko abilities. Over and over, and ever so softly, the soothing gesture calmed her and the flood of tears slowed, then stopped. The whispers in her ears became comprehendible and she could feel the steady, calming presence of the other person’s aura wrapping around her own. It quieted the storm and she was aware of other hands on her back, on her forearms. Small arms around her neck, around her neck, and she felt the spinning of her world grind to a halt.

Everything was upside down and inside out and different and she opened bright blue eyes that strove to understand this new view of everyone and everything that she had thought was constant and unchanging.

She wavered on the precipice of everything’s okay and nothing will ever be the same. She shifted as her existence shifted and she knew and she realized that the two were harmonious, and this was life because you have to break apart and see the world from a different perspective when you can’t find what you’re needing from the same, unchanging view that you’ve scoured before.

… … …

“Shhhh. It’s okay. We’re all right here now. I know it’s hard, Kagome, but you have to try to stay calm. We’re here now. We’re here. Shhh.”

It was such a paradigm shifting experience for him, to be in this position and not feel even remotely tempted to indulge. This armful of softness and sweetness that was clutching him like a lifeline, and he didn’t even think about trying. He clutched her closer and laid his dark head on her shoulder because it had thrown him off-kilter as well.

Never once in his life had Miroku hesitated. This was so different, though. He’d never been here, never had this much sheer vulnerability directed at him. He hadn’t even known that he was capable of not even wanting that high, that rush of pleasure.

So he held her, and he whispered to her, and he calmed her.

As Sesshomaru carded his fingers through her hair. As Rin and Shippou clung to her neck and waist. As Kouga rubbed her back, up and down and in circles. As Kaede laid a wrinkled hand on her forearm. As Sango rested a cheek on her knee and a hand on her thigh.

As his own arms went numb from holding her close, wrapped under and around the joints that connected her arms to her body. He held her and consumed her raging holy energies with his own, calming those too.

She turned her face on his shoulder and looked into his violet eyes, searching. ‘You are wanted, and you are loved and you are not alone’ They said to her. And as she freed herself from him, she met the same look in the eyes of all of her friends.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, but she didn’t start crying again. She knew that it would be okay again. As long as they were by her, with her. And she was grateful when soft laughs and deep chuckles sounded all around her. It soothed the ache and she smiled.

“You must cease these apologies for things that are beyond your control, Kagome”

She nodded at Sesshomaru, who had bent down to bring his face into her line of sight. She accepted his hand and let him pull her to her feet. This time, his word settled over her and she vowed that she would try to do as she asked. This isn’t her fault, and she knew that she had no need to be sorry for it.

Then she took a deep breath and expelled it, feeling like it steadied her.

Her forehead crinkled as she took in their surroundings. The light was dim, a small fire was licking at some dry wood, the leaves rustled overhead. Wait...

“Why are we outside? And where are we?” She asked.

“Well…” Sango came to stand beside her and wriggled her hand into her best friend’s. “We couldn’t stay in the village. Or near it really.” She was told.

Kagome’s confusion grew.

“Why?”

“You sort of… purified it. We’re actually a good day and a half’s walk away from the outskirts.”

Kagome’s eyes widened and she looked around at the others.

“Purified…?”

“The youkai among us cannot enter the area.” Sesshomaru told her. “The whole of the area is impossible for us to enter without harm, now.”

She turned to him, aghast. She remembered it… in a vague sort of way. It had felt like she had exploded.

“I did that?”

They all nodded at her.

“It seems as though you have come into the full extent of your holy powers. You’ll need to train them, and gain some control, now. I would prefer not to be meet my end at your hands if something happens to upset you”

She let out a little noise that was somewhere between astounded and unbelieving.

 “Wait, wait… I was asleep for two days?”

“Almost.” Miroku told her. “Not to worry, Kagome. You were merely spent from the force of the amount of energy you used.”

She barely registered his words as her focus narrowed on the figure that stood on the outskirts of the little camp. The figure dressed in red. With dark hair. With dull human nails. Looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She wondered at the fact that she didn’t feel torn apart when she saw him. It didn’t hurt, she wasn’t angry, she didn’t feel any tears threaten her overworked eyes. She just knew that whatever she had felt for him before was… gone.

Her inquisitive look at the sky, and the full moon that was slowly pushing the sun out of center stage, and then back to his rigid stance left how speechless.

“You’re human. Why are you human?” She asked.

He jerked, startled that she would just… talk to him at all.

“Uh…” His voice cracked. Whatever turmoil that she wasn’t feeling, he most assuredly was. “I.. uh… I was there. When the…” He waved a hand around in a searching sort of way. “Wave? Happened.”

“I… made you human?”

He didn’t say anything, just sort of looked at her. He didn’t know what to say.

“We’re not entirely sure what happened when Inuyasha was caught in the path of your purification.” Miroku told her. “We think maybe… since he experienced the full force of it… it may have purified his youkai half.”

“Is that even possible!?”

“It would seem so.”

“Will he-“ She faced Inuyasha again. “Will you get it back?”

He shrugged and she looked back to Miroku.

“We don’t know.”

… … …

Blood spattered and puddled around her as she hunched into the corner of the room. She should be dead, she knew. So much blood. She wished that she could die, she had wished it for a long time now, but she knew that she couldn’t

Kagura huddled over her sister and tried to do her best to keep Kanna safe. The last time she had dared to look over her shoulder, she had felt ice flood her veins. He was insane. Completely insane.

Rage, burning hot and rampant; careless, reckless. The entire building was turning into little more than a charred graveyard, now.

Gone. It was gone. They were gone. They. Because somehow, some way, the chunk of the Shikon jewel that he had possessed had just shattered like so much fragile glass. Then they were gone. He was furious, and he would find out why this had happened.

Then he would destroy the source of it.

… … …

When they told her what had happened to the jewel, Kagome was much calmer about it than they could have predicted. What was left for her in her own time, anyway?

So she had to start over, so what? It was pretty fitting, after all. The news almost comforted her in some way. Everything was fresh. Different, but just mostly... New. Why shouldn't she take the opportunity to do things right this time? Do things better.

She was a little bit older and a little bit more informed of what the search would be like. This time she had people to help her, people to fight with.

She really didn't see the problem with any of it.

Until she remembered Kohaku... and Mirkou's ever ominous Kazaana.

Miroku who had just held her so tightly when she had climbed him like a tree upon waking.

She wanted to be embarrassed about her reaction when she had woken up a few hours ago. She knew that she really should be embarrassed. But as she watched him sleep from her place on the other side of the dying fire, she couldn't really bring herself to be embarrassed over it. It was rather trivial in the face of the idea that he was so much further away from being rid of the curse.

He was laying on his back, looking calm and content in his sleep. She watched the light of the fire dance and lick at his face, wondering how in the world he had been able to comfort her when she was, realistically, the reason that his chances at a long and happy life had just become so much more unattainable. Where had he found the strength for it? How could he sleep right now when this had to be bothering him?

"Kagome. You're staring"

She jumped a little.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough to wonder why you might be so fascinated with me." He smirked, eyes still closed.

"Miroku?"

"Yes, Kagome?"

"Are you okay?"

 He did open his eyes then. She didn't see any surprise in his face, but those eyes. They looked so intense, so piercing, so vivid. She couldn't tell what he was thinking or how he was feeling, and so she just laid there in anticipation while he studied her.

“Miroku…?”

He stood and held out his hand to her.

“If you can’t sleep and need to talk, I’m more than willing to listen. I do, however, suggest that we do so elsewhere. We don’t want to wake the others.”

Kagome nodded and followed him into the trees. They settled a little ways away, perching on the moss-covered trunk of a fallen tree. Miroku crossed his legs under him and laid his Shakujo across his knees, waiting patiently for her to speak as she swung her legs back and forth from her perch.

“I guess I have a little insomnia after sleeping for so long.”

“It looked like a bit more than that, Kagome.”

“Well… I’ve just been thinking about everything that’s happened.”

He nodded.

“It’s just… I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, you know? Starting over. It was a pretty stupid thought, though. There’s really no way that it could be better like this. I mean, what if Naraku finds the shards first? He’s strong enough with the half that he already has.”

“We’ll find a way, Kagome. We always do. Nothing is certain. We might even defeat him tomorrow.”

Kagome froze. She hadn’t thought of that before. It had never occurred to her that they might be able to defeat Naraku before the jewel was completed. It just always made sense that they would find the shards, find Naraku, somehow take his shards, and then fight him… and hopefully win. In that order.

The thought that they could fight him first awed her. How had she never seen it that way, before? It would be so much simpler, all of it, if he was gone before the jewel was put back together.

“I’d never thought of that.”

Miroku reached over and patted her on the leg.

“So I suppose that means that your thoughts of starting over don’t seem so silly anymore.”

“I guess not.” She grinned at him. He was a little surprised when she clamoured over to him in excitement and mimicked his position, pressing her knees into his and leaning close.

“Miroku!”

“Kagome?”

He leaned back away from her a little bit.

“We have to defeat Naraku before we try to find the shards! That’s what we should have been doing all along! It makes so much sense! Then we can try to find a way to save Kohaku without Naraku controlling him! We wouldn’t be having to deal with all of his traps and attacks all of the time! You’d be safe!”

“Kagome… There will always be som-“ He paused as all of her rushed words finally processed through his mind. “Safe…? You mean the curse?”

“Of course.” When she tried to reach out to the cursed hand, he pulled it out of range. “I was so worried that I had…” She waved her arms around her. “Sped it up.”

“Ah.”

He was growing very uncomfortable, now. He tried to avoid this subject. This is how things were, and with no guarantee of success, he just preferred not to allow himself to have too much hope. He was determined, of course. That much was true, but he held no expectations of any certain outcome. This woman before him had proven to him that it only takes the space of a heartbeat to alter the circumstances of any situation. They might defeat Naraku tomorrow, or he might be consumed by the curse.

Those were only two possibilities in a long list of unknown paths that they could all find themselves on.

“Let me ask you a question, Kagome.”

She tried to tamp down her enthusiasm as his face grew serious.

“You have a unique perspective on time, so this might be something that resonates with you. Tell me, how much do the past and the future mean to you?”

Whatever she had been expecting, this wasn’t anywhere close.

“Well, they’re both important. I don’t think either one is more important than the other.”

“Just try to stay with me, here, okay? Your past shapes you into who you are now, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And your future is an idea of who you want to become, so your desired future is what guides your actions now.”

“That makes sense, I guess. I don’t understand where this is going.”

“Just humor me for a little while longer.” He grasped her hands in his. “It’s important.”

“Okay…”

“So if your past makes you who you are now, and your future is what guides you now; then what is most important?”

“And I’m not allowed to say both?”

He shook his head and smiled at her.

“It’s now Kagome. Right now. This moment.”

She made a little o with her mouth, not really knowing what to say.

“You have to stop looking for things in the past and things in the future to dwell on. It’s right now that matters. If you never live in the present, then what does your past or your future mean? They both lead to the same place. Now. I learned as a child that I need to appreciate every moment, and live it. You’ve experienced what happens to people who can’t let go of the past.”

‘Inuyasha.’ She thought.

“And you’ve seen what happens when people only focus on a possible future that may never come to pass.”

‘Sango.’

She knew that Sango was always struggling with Kohaku’s existence. It didn’t matter to her that he had been dealt a fatal blow- it was the same as how Inuyasha refused to let Kikyo go. They were opposite; Inuyasha only living for a past that he could never truly have, and Sango only living for a future that she wanted to make a reality.

“You’re understanding, I see.”

He brought her hands to his mouth and kissed them softly.

“The past can’t make you happy, you can remember happy times from your past but it's not the same. The future can’t make you happy, only crave to bring that happiness into being. If they both are things that teach you or lead you to this moment- then perhaps we should all understand a little more that right now is what matters. You have to focus on what is right in front of you, every day, without letting the past or the future control who you are. If I never let go of the death caused by my family’s curse.. or never thought of anything but how and when I would be rid of it, what sort of life would I live right now?”

“You’d be miserable.” Yet she knew that he was always smiling, always laughing… always making the most of every moment that he could. “But you’re not.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re okay.”

“I’m okay, Kagome. You’re okay, too.”

“I think I might be.”

Sunrise found them both sitting in a content type of silence with each other, just watching the world come to life.

… … …

Unfortunately for Kagome and Miroku, the rest of them wanted to find the shards to keep Naraku from attaining any more of them and gaining any more power. So Kagome found herself walking around the forest near Edo, in circles, rubbing her temples.

She was supposed to be seeing if she could sense any shards in the area since she and Inuyasha had found a few relatively nearby the first time that it had been broken.

But Sango and Miroku were getting on her nerves and she couldn’t concentrate. Which made finding any shards impossible.

“If you say one more thing about my suit, monk.”

“Sango! I am simply admiring the craftsmanship.”

Miroku was walking behind Sango, which always made her rather jumpy, and Kagome took a few steps away just in case that giant boomerang started swinging.

“For example!” Even Kagome knew that the cheerful voice was just a cover.

“Miroku.”

‘And that would be my cue to just stop and let them get out of range. Safety should come first after all.’

She entertained that thought of bringing back a history book. One with pictures. So that Miroku would know what was bound to happen to him one day if he didn’t learn to leave Sango alone.

‘Booooom! Actually, you know what? Maybe Sango will just explode, instead. I couldn’t really see her having the patience to build a bomb that she would consider big enough to obliterate Miroku and his insinuations’

“It really is wonderful work! Especially the way it clings right….here.”

‘Wow. All he has to do is talk and get within arm’s reach and… ooo.. that’s gonna hurt.’

Considering how well Miroku had been treating her, and how much he’d been there for her when she needed someone lately, Kagome decided to intervene before Sango actually killed him.

“You really should at least try to control yourself, Miroku.” She grasped his hand and pulled him back onto his feet.

Of course, she should have known better. When he got into one of these moods he just didn’t know when to quit.

“Miroku?” She smiled at him blindingly.

“Yes, Kagome?”

“What are you doing?”

“Ah! I’m admiring your new choice in clothing as well! It’s much softer than it looks.”

“It is! We should tell Sesshomaru about how nice it feels! I’ll just go and tell him that you would love to talk to him about how soft it is!”

‘I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him move quite so fast, before.’

“I’m sure that Lord Sesshomaru would not be interested in something so trivial! No need to involve him at all!”

Kagome just smiled as she turned to go back the way they had come.

“Let’s just head back, guys. I don’t sense any shards around and it’s a long walk.”

The energy that Kagome had unleashed didn’t seem to be dissipating at all. Kaede had told them that it might never weaken. Apparently, things like this had happened before, like on Mount Hakurei. As far as any records show, the weakest incident of them had left the land untouchable by youkai for over two hundred years. Edo’s residents were ecstatic about it. Kagome was uncomfortable.

It didn’t matter to her that none of them knew the reason that she had flooded the surrounding land with the purity. The strange reverent way they treated her had tripled and it made her nervous.

Since Inuyasha had decided that he was going to stay away from it in hopes of regaining his youkai half, she and Sango were stuck with only Miroku’s company. It had been a very trying two days. Kagome really was thinking about bringing a history book with bomb pictures back for Sango.

She eyed Miroku warily as he slowed his pace to match hers, letting Sango’s hurried steps carry her further and further away from them.

“Assuming you don’t turn me in and let me die a horribly painful death by acid, have you given any thought to training your abilities?”

“I wouldn’t really know where to start. There aren’t exactly a lot of real mikos in my time, and there are only two that we really know here. Kikyo would probably rather kill me than teach me, and Kaede didn’t train any more after Kikyo died.”

“There are shrines and temples where you could receive the proper instruction.”

“Sure. That would involve going to one and staying for more than two days, though.”

“Impatience has never been a trait that I’ve seen an abundance of in you, Kagome.”

She scrubbed at her face with her hands.

“It’s not that simple. There’s the shards, and Naraku, and-

“Have you forgotten, so soon, our conversation about living?”

“No, but-

Miroku stopped and grabbed Kagome’s wrist to halt her as well.

“What’s really stopping you?”

“I just… I don’t want to be alone. Even if everyone did want to stay with me instead of trying to hunt down the shards… I don’t even know if a place like that would let them stay.”

“So you haven’t forgotten, after all. You don’t need to make excuses, Kagome. There is no shame in wanting to live and keep the people who make you happy close to you.”

So maybe she wasn’t doing as well as she had hoped at the whole living in the present thing. She would just have to keep trying a little harder. It didn’t hurt that she had someone to remind her. Someone that had seen her in her worst moments, and stayed. Someone that she was starting to rely on enough that she couldn’t seem to keep her doubts and fears from him when he asked for them.