InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Pinkie Swear ❯ Indulgence ( Chapter 12 )

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Warming: Spoilers for up to chapter 518 in Inuyasha manga

 

=#= Indulgence =#=

 

Spring.

 

It was not a rational conclusion that came from the workings of his logical mind, from watching the passage of the stars and marking the day of the equinox. Instead, it was a mere feeling, recognition of winter's chill at last being gone. The sunshine was warm enough to seep into his being, easing the phantom pains in his old battle wounds and his new arm that the cold has troubled him with. The breeze that swept through the sheltered valley was gentle and fragrant with the season's first blooms.

 

In the meadow of yellow flowers, Rin was not the only young that played under a keen, watchful gaze. Without turning his head, he could tell where a doe had hidden her fawn. He could tell where a vixen had whelped in her den, the soft cries and whines as her kits sought her milk audible to his discerning ears. Nature's renewal was in full swing; predator and prey alike were busy with their families.

 

The predator within him was no different. Spring brought with it an instinctive need to stretch his legs, to push his body to its limits until his stiff muscles were once more limber. His awareness of all the potential prey around him disturbed his complacency as he lounged beneath a tree. In the untouched wilderness of the mountain valley, he was beyond tempted by the lure to hunt and to taste fresh meat on his tongue. The restless, pinned energy within him bordered perilously close to needing relief; yet he chose to sit and soak in the sunshine and brood over the most recent turn of events instead of granting himself release.

 

The weight of Bakusaiga sat heavily on Sesshoumaru's hip like a rebuke, the dull sluggish burden of his reformed arm a quieter echo of the sword. He looked down to where he was subconsciously flexing his left hand in agitation; and the lack of bold slashes across the wrist was a sharp reminder that he had yet to claim either arm or sword as his.

 

Because he had yet to accept that either was truly dependable.

 

Their manifestation was still too…convenient…for him to simply accept them at face value. He had so blindingly invested in the unexpected strength of Tensaiga, only to have the fruits of his labor ripped away by Tessaiga that he was loathe to trust anything that stank of his father's meddling. Even if, according to Toutousai, Bakusaiga was and had always been “his.”

 

The appearance of both sword and arm felt too much like charity from his father, a consolation prize for the Meidou he'd lost. It was just like the great Inutaisho to make such a worthless gesture of sympathy after slyly plotting to steal the accomplishment of one son and give it to another.

 

The bitter reality that his father still meant enough to him for the insult to sting twisted deeply into Sesshoumaru's gut. Not only had his father gifted Tessaiga to Inuyasha; he'd given Sesshoumaru, the full youkai son, a fragment that yielded its power to his brother's sword. That his father intended for he, Sesshoumaru, to depend upon Inuyasha and the power he alone could wield was enough for Sesshoumaru to see red and lust for blood so badly he panted from the intensity of it.

 

As a pup, he'd never considered his father's attention degrading. He'd basked in the glow of his father's favor, had watched his powerful father with worshipful eyes, and longed to be like his sire. It wasn't until he grew into a skilled enough opponent to challenge his father that he discovered the truth. The great Inutaisho needed those around him to be weak and dependant upon him to feel confident and strong.

 

To keep his father's love, Sesshoumaru realized he would have to affect weakness. He suddenly understood why his father had rejected his mother when she refused to bow her head to him. In a choice between love and pride, he followed in his mother's footsteps and chose the latter. Only, unlike his mother, he never earned his father's recognition of being his equal.

 

Before he could defeat his father and distinguish himself, the great Inutaisho died for nothing more than a mortal woman and a squalling brat. It was almost fitting that the female his father had chosen because she would always be weaker and the child he'd sired that would always need its father's protection were the death of him. He, Sesshoumaru, had been able to give up on acquiring Tessaiga once he'd discovered that the bond between it and Inuyasha ensured his brother would always be dependent upon the prop of their father's fang.

 

As for his inheritance of Tensaiga, it was no mistake of Inutaisho's that he had been given a sword that saved lives. Because he, his father's son, was not filled with the need to rescue unfortunates to prove his power, his father had given him a sword designed to manipulate him into being more compassionate.

 

He'd been foolish to think he could completely escape the weight of his father's legacy. By making the concession of carrying Tensaiga, he'd already conceded to his father's wishes in some small way. The moment that Tensaiga awakened and saved his life was enough to change him forever.

 

Because he'd met Rin.

 

Perhaps it was because he saw a bit of his younger self in her that he allowed his guard down around her.

 

With only a glance he could tell she was mostly self sufficient, a rarity among a species of whining, lazy gluttons. Her offer of food—the food that was meant to fill her stomach—was a type of selfless act he'd never witnessed among her kind before. Without meaning to, he'd casually returned her interest in kind, motivated mostly by idle curiosity. Her smile was shocking, a rare sight seldom directed at him, and so that might be why it lingered in his mind.

 

On a moment's whim, he went out of his way to restore the smile to her face. Afterwards, he never could recall why he'd done it. Despite his best attempts, his efforts to pin down his exact motivation failed, leaving him with the nagging suspicion that Tensaiga had tricked him into fulfilling his father's wishes.

 

The surprise of the girl choosing to follow him was quickly replaced by an internal debate of whether he should interfere and drive her away. Time passed with him making no decision, and eventually he admitted to himself that by letting her do as she pleased, he'd already inadvertently chosen.

 

From the beginning, he showed only a casual interest in her and her needs. Yet, somehow, that seemed to be exactly what she craved because she blossomed into a healthy, active child. His irritation at having to make concessions for her humanity gradually ceased as he found himself observing her, looking for something she did need. He had been correct in his assumption that she could take care of herself; watching with slight bemusement as she easily adapted her lifestyle to compensate for his.

 

The fact that he returned the favor and made small changes in his life for her was not something he dwelled on too deeply, preferring instead to think on other, less unsettling things. She showed him the proper respect and obedience he demanded, and if her motivation for doing so was more due to hero worship than frightened awe, he cared not. He was not his father, dependant on the recognition of others to appease his ego.

 

Then why, when she died during his quest to strengthen Tensaiga, had he felt as if he'd failed her...?

 

He had no need for Rin; yet he was also unwilling to trade her life for power. Measured against the thousand of lives he was responsible for ending, she was less than nothing and yet…she mattered. Enough that he was willing to find some other way to fulfill his quest to grow stronger. Enough that he was willing to forgo the immediate solution to his goal.

 

The victory of mastering Tensaiga's Meidou had been an empty one; and he found himself glad he had not sacrificed Rin for something so meaningless. The useless sword remained where Rin had strapped it to Ahun's saddle, and he had no interest in disturbing it. If not for Rin, he would have abandoned the fang completely and if not for his need for Bakusaiga and the power it represented, it would have shared the same fate.

 

He was far too practical to give up a strategic advantage just because of his emotional feelings. His resentment towards both the arm and Bakusaiga would not make him hesitate to use both in battle; yet his refusal to use either in daily life struck him as a shallow, petty difference. He kept them with him out of necessity and bore the encumbrance of them without any of the advantages. Obstinate distrust colored his view of them; yet the strong belief that he needed to familiarize himself with both before lives—his and his companions—depended on them put him at direct odds with himself.

 

The tight, dangerous coil of emotions inside was a direct result from his struggle; made worse by the feverish restlessness spring always brought on. He was in no condition to achieve compromise within himself, and the most direct route of relief was closed to him because of his conflicted state. If he called forth the transformation that would allow him to run and hunt on all fours, it would mean accepting the arm as his own.

 

Impatient with his own indecisiveness, he stirred and rose. The sweet-sharp longing that was the beginning of bloodlust hovered perilously close to the surface and he was inclined to appease it, the residue of old hatred and anger towards his father leaving him with a foul taste in his mouth. The desire to find a worthy opponent—one who merited the strength of his true self—lured him with the easy solution it offered. Unsatisfied but resigned that influence of an outside source was the only immediate resolution, he turned to leave.

 

Only a little hand fisting in the voluminous material of his sleeve stopped him.

 

“Sesshoumaru…-sama?” Rin called, the happy demand for attention in her voice shifting into a timid question as she sensed the danger emanating from him.

 

Beneath her grip, he went unnaturally still as they both realized that she'd touched him without invitation or permission. Behind her, Jaken froze and both of Ahun's heads looked up from their grazing. The cold, quiet instinct to kill what had invaded his personal space was checked by his familiar recognition of Rin; her lack of fear or threat further soothing his subconscious objection to being touched. Forcing himself to curb his burgeoning bloodlust, he made a conscious effort to tighten his control of himself. Through it all, Rin remained still, waiting until his mercurial silence shifted and the tension in his body eased before she spoke.

 

“Sesshoumaru-sama, Jaken-sama says you have the best nose of all youkai. Is that true?” Rin blurted out curiously.

 

Unusually reticent, displeased by her distracting him, he nodded once in affirmation.

 

“Then Sesshoumaru-sama can find anything or anyone, right?” Rin continued blithely

 

Wariness stilled his impulsive response, caution replacing his impatience as he puzzled over the motivations behind her line of questioning. Of all the beings he had ever interacted with over his many years, Rin remained one of the only ones who could still surprise him. Experience made him give up the futility of trying to anticipate the direction the conversation, and he gave her another curt nod in answer.

 

“Will you play hide and seek with me, Sesshoumaru-sama? Rin is very good at hiding!” she ended in a rush.

 

Taken aback, he favored her with a long, slow blink as he processed what she was asking. He had been expecting something unexpected, and yet once again she had succeeded in blindsiding him. The startle was enough to upset his inner state, shocking him out of the last, lingering preoccupation left by his brooding. Feeling more clear headed and alert, he stilled his first sharp, negative answer as he returned her regard.

 

Taking his lack of response to mean that he was angry with Rin, Jaken hastily jumped in and started to scold her furiously for her audacity.

 

“Stupid girl! Our lord Sesshoumaru-sama has way more important things to do than play with you!” he grumbled at Rin, who ignored his attempts to pull her away.

 

Tuning out the grating loudness of Jaken's voice, Sesshoumaru stopped to seriously consider Rin's request as she continued to watch him with unwavering attention. Had he not just been seeking a reason to become his canine self? It was beneath him to play with her, but to allow her to serve as the quarry while he hunted her, that was an offer he found himself willing to entertain.

 

If he were to be honest with himself, finding a worthy opponent capable of demanding all he had to give in battle was as difficult and futile a search as finding Naraku. It was not a quest to be undertaken lightly; and would require him setting aside both his companions and his hunt for Naraku, something he was unwilling to do at this crucial point.

 

Yet, it did not negate his need for absolution of his inner strife.

 

He looked down into her hopeful eyes and felt the quiet pull of something that she had over him. He was not, and never would be, comfortable with the way his peace of mind seemed to revolve around her safety, nor the way her presence seemed to call his emotions like the moon called the tides. But neither was he averse to using it to his advantage.

 

He had not thrown away Bakusaiga, ripped out the arm at the beginning like he should. His decision was made; and his acceptance of that was all that remained to haunt him. He would not willfully cripple himself, not in light of the coming fight. Naraku was a tiresome opponent and he admitted that Bakusaiga might be the edge he needed to defeat him.

 

There was also the small matter that she rested in the balance. If he was not strong enough to win, the most likely outcome was that her life would be forfeited.

 

“Very well,” he agreed at last, shocking Jaken into stupefied quiet.

 

He chose to ignore the indignity of the imp's gaping, settling into the concentration he needed to release his youki before feelings of resentment against his father crippled him again. As the violent red aura swirled to life around him, he felt the reformed arm tingle as his power flowed into it and began to change it along with the rest of him. Amid the distraction of his body dissolving and reshaping, he made the effort to watch as his youki stained his left wrist with its tell tale markings.

 

Rin's squeak of surprise was punctuated by Jaken's harsh squawk, her unhappy squeals of protest diminishing in volume as Jaken dragged her away to cover.

 

“Jaken-sama! Let go!! What's happening to Sesshoumaru-sama?!?!” she exclaimed.

 

“Nothing you can stop now, foolish girl!” Jaken snapped with ire. “When Sesshoumaru-sama finishes changing, he's going to come gobble you up in one bite! And probably me too for dessert! Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid human! Why did you have to insult our lord's dignity by asking him to play a human game with you?!” he bemoaned more to himself.

 

Sesshoumaru felt his awareness of them flash out for a fraction of a second as his youki completed the dissolution of his humanoid form and began the rebuilding of his canine one. The sound of Jaken's grumbling was different to his larger ears, the diatribe ending before he could locate the two by the imp's voice. Rin's response allowed him to pinpoint them behind a small crest of rock.

 

“Ah! Rin wants to see! Let go, Jaken-sama!” she protested, a solid thump punctuating her words.

 

Jaken made a strangled, rough sound of pain.

 

“Ow ow! Ungrateful chit!” he snarled. “Fine! Go! See if I care!”

 

His nose was there to greet Rin as she scrambled over the edge. He inhaled deeply of her warm, earthy scent, memorizing it for the coming hunt. The hint of fear rising from her body brought him up short. He was struck by the realization that she'd never seen his other form before, and that as a mere mouthful, perhaps there was just reason for her to be frightened. He doubted that she'd be either willing or safe if he hunted her while she smelled of fear, but inspiration as to how to amend the situation failed to present itself. He froze as Rin looked up, up into his crimson and gold eyes.

 

“Sess…shoumaru-sama?” she whimpered uneasily. “Where's…Sesshoumaru-sama?!” she choked out around the beginning of a sob, looking around as if to find him.

 

“Idiot!” Jaken growled as he came to stand beside her. “That's Sesshoumaru-sama!” he exclaimed, pointing at Sesshoumaru's giant black nose.

 

Comprehension slowly dawned in Rin's stunned gaze.

 

“Sessshoumaru…-sama?” she tried tentatively, her wide, panicky dark eyes back on him.

 

A tail wag was beneath his dignity, so he settled for a whuff of agreement. Unexpectedly she reached out and pressed her hands flat against the wet, sensitive skin before her, stirring to life a furious itch that refused to die out on its own. Rearing back, he sat, lifting his left paw and running over his nose several times. Rin greeted his actions with a giddy, nervous giggle, clapping her hands together with delight.

 

“Sesshoumaru-sama's a doggie!” she exclaimed with all the weight of a life changing epiphany.

 

“Of course he is, stupid girl,” Jaken grumbled with his usual gruff, almost affectionate discontent. “What did you think he was? Human like you?”

 

Knowing that the two could argue all day without regard to anyone else, Sesshoumaru barked sharply with blatant command. Jaken and Rin both jumped, looking up at him with wide eyed, startled expressions.

 

“Rin!” Jaken reprimanded when the girl didn't budge. “Go! Hide!” he prompted urgently, giving Rin an ungentle shove.

 

“Huh?!” Rin squeaked, her intimidation hindering her thoughts.

 

“Hurry!” Jaken ordered as he made furious shooing motions with his hand in her direction. “You don't want to keep him waiting!”

 

Mild bewilderment crossed Rin's face as she got to her feet and skipped hastily down the slope to the valley floor. She paused long enough to turn wary eyes up at Sesshoumaru, leaning way, way back to look up at him.

 

“Sesshoumaru-sama, please count to one hundred as Rin hides. Then, Sesshoumaru-sama is supposed to come find Rin…okay?” she instructed tentatively.

 

He whuffed impatiently, choking back the urge to bark until she fled him in real terror. As soon as she was out of sight, he made himself lie down to wait. His eyes slid close in mimicry of sleep as he kept a mental tally of counting. One hundred came too early, the sounds and smells of her small body still obvious to him. He let out a soft sigh of disappointment as he realized it wouldn't be a true hunt, not with his habitual, protective instincts keeping accurate track of her whereabouts. Another long exhale released the tight, excited tension that had been building in him, leaving behind mild irritation at having to move from his place in the sunshine.

 

Regardless of the lack of challenge, he had agreed to find her, and so with mock reluctance he yawned and stretched and rose. Setting his sights on the tallest peak surrounding the cup of the sheltered valley, he launched himself and streaked across the tree covered floor. The distance was deceptive; farther than it appeared to be, and by the time he reached his goal he was panting, his heart racing as he strutted the last few steps and seated himself regally over the entire view.

 

He took a moment to clear his lungs, letting the sharp bite of cold, oxygen deficient air fill them before lifting his muzzle to the distant, faded view of the moon in the daytime sky. The howl left him in a rush, gathering force as it vibrated through the thin air and pulsed outward in waves. Eerie and unearthly, more like the keening bay of a hound than the croon of a wolf's song, it floated over the valley and ruffled the leaves on the trees. His senses were keen enough for him to be aware of the way a hundred thousand different heartbeats stuttered with fright, then raced with adrenaline as the valley's occupants scrambled for cover or fled in blind fear. Satisfaction mellowed his mood as the maelstrom of coiled power in his true form wrapped him in its thunderous embrace. Like morning mist, it burned away his doubts, doing much to restore his confidence in himself.

 

He was complete again.

 

The thump, thump, thump of his four footed gait beat a tattoo of triumph as his reformed limb held up under the punishment. Again and again he circled the valley, emptying it of all life as he careened recklessly through it, drunk on his own power and prowess. Exuberance rose within him in an irrepressible rush and he bayed again, feeling the earth tremble beneath his feet with the rolling bass of it.

 

Finally, winded, he doubled back to where Jaken and Ahun cowered against a rock face, eyeing them with just enough speculative interest that the stench of fear and sweat rose from both. Puzzlement curbed some of his excitement as he cast about for sight of Rin.

 

Oh.

 

Consternation cooled his ardor as he realized she must be still hiding somewhere, waiting for him to find her. The subtle thread of unease at not knowing where she was bridled his wilder nature, giving him the focus he needed for the task at hand. Somehow, amid his indulgence, she had slipped out from under his detection. Only the fact that the valley was void of potential threat kept him from tasting panic as he strode to the head of the divide.

 

Slow, meticulous, patient; he was the thorough in his search as any expert hunter, chasing the whiffs of her scent trail to their ends. His white plume of a tail moved in an agitated tick-tock wag as he sauntered forward, deeply focused on what his nose was telling him. Catching a fresh scent at last, he bounded forward with his tail held proudly behind him like a flag. With a mighty, exaggerated leap, he pounced, his massive paws slapping the ground to either side of her hiding place.

 

When she failed to immediately crawl out and greet him, he barked once, twice with impatience. A small, terrified squeak caught his attention, and instantly he curbed his enthusiasm, laying down in a futile attempt to look smaller. Another sound, one less frightened and more nervously excited, issued from the bush between his feet. Undeterred, he stuck his nose into the branches and gently rooted her out with his snout. Several snuffles to her hair and person reassured him that she was not hurt; and by the end of his inspection she was giggling with peals of laughter.

 

“Ah, Sesshoumaru-sama!” she shouted as she fended off his cold wet nose. “It's Rin's turn to count!”

 

He sat back with offended grace, the thought of letting her hunt him rankling his pride. The bright excitement in her large dark eyes, the happiness in her body language, communicated itself to him as it struck a chord inside. She was no bigger than his paw, yet she had waited and trusted in him when the rest of the valley's occupants had fled from him. She was indirectly responsible for the quiet rightness that possessed him again.

 

Not until he resumed his canine form and felt the intense relief of being whole had he realized how much being crippled had troubled him. He had abstained from taking his true form, because the reality of his missing front left limb had affected him more when it hindered his very mobility. Like a raw, aching wound, he had felt the loss keenly, as only a predator might. Only in battle, only as a final resort, had he called upon his fangs and claws.

 

It was indeed a beautiful spring, ripe with new potential.

 

He would play with her, just this once. He gave her an agreeable whuff; eyeing her with something akin to tender amusement as she turned her back, closed her eyes, and started to count. For all of the giganticness of his paws, his footfalls were silent as he snuck away.

 

The difficulty of the challenge of hiding his white, enormous bulk in a young forest in broad daylight struck him suddenly, and humor untwisted by his usual sardonic view of the world lifted his mood. Hampered by time, he chose at random from among his few options, tucking himself into a tight ball as he waited. Out of habit, his tail curled to cover his black nose, his ears pricked with alertness to detect her approach.

 

Gradually his crimson and gold eyes shut as the late afternoon sunshine made him drowsy and complacent. His slumber was deep enough to make him oblivious when Rin flew over with Ahun and Jaken, landing the dragon beside him. He did nothing more than lift one eye lid to look with lazy confirmation of what his ears were telling him as she scrambled over the bulk of his tail and settled into the nook created by the curve of his neck. Her body was a hard, heavy warmth against him as she yawned mightily and snuggled deeper into his silky silver fur for a nap.

 

Jaken got no further than touching his tail before he opened his eye again. A brief lift of his lip to display his impressive fangs and a small trickle of a growl was enough to tell the imp he was not welcome. Darkly amused by Jaken's pathetic signs of rejection, Sesshoumaru tucked himself infinitesimally tighter around Rin with sated contentment.

 

He was an inu taiyoukai after all, and he did not have to share if he didn't want to.

 

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