InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Playing for Keeps ❯ Truth Revealed and Kiss Him Goodbye ( Chapter 4 )

Shoutouts at the end of the fic!!!

On to the conclusion…

 

Previously on Playing for Keeps:

Back to narrated time:

Yes, I forgave him everything, whether I should have or not. I sounded and acted much cooler about the whole thing than I actually felt. After he left, I of course ran back as fast as I could- to a place where I could think. My heart was consumed with incredible pain. He probably disappeared to go be with her and… been comforted in her arms and her bed. As for me, I had no desire to go home and pretend that everything was fine and dandy- this is not fine! This was not fair- nothing about it was and I cannot keep deluding myself with that. Now, I do believe that my reaction was the best one that I could have picked… I did not lose it in front of him. I was mature about it. As is natural for me, I did not allow myself to feel until later. But I am lucky to have such wonderful friends here… I do not know what kind of state I would be in now if they had not been so sweet and supportive.

 

 

Pt 4: Truth revealed- Kiss Him Goodbye

“You know I love you. I'll always love you even though the tears are fallin' from my eyes. I still remember baby when our love was so strong. So go on, go ahead and kiss him, go on and kiss him goodbye, goodbye, whoa goodbye.” Kiss Him Goodbye, The Nylons

 

Right after Inuyasha left:

He is gone, but I know that he will return someday... someday being the key word. Maybe he has gone to be with her, or maybe not. I shiver as goose bumps appear all over my exposed skin. This is not the way this was supposed to be! My vision begins to go slightly blurry, but I am not crying, not yet anyway. I am too shocked to break down and cry, but still aware enough to walk slowly to where my friends are waiting for me.

 

As I step closer to them, I notice that Shippo and Kirara are not there. They must be off playing somewhere… good for them. The thought of light-hearted play weighs heavily on my heart and I sigh in an attempt to take pleasure in their happiness. Sango and Miroku both hear my exhalation and look at me with concern. I try to smile at them, but I completely fail. Half-hearted, I wave in greeting and sit down.

 

Sango and Miroku look at each other and nod. He smiles at me gently. “Kagome-sama, what is troubling you?”

 

“Are you alright, Kagome-chan?” Oh they are so sweet, but I just do not know if my mouth will form the words. What can I say that could express how I feel at this moment? Will they understand? No, I cannot drag them into this; this is between Inuyasha and me- Sango and Miroku would not want to get involved in this messy affair. In my heart, I ironically chuckle at that use of words. If they only knew… if I could only tell them the truth… I know that I cannot.

 

I plaster a fake smile on my face. “Hey guys, yeah, don't worry about me! Everything is… ummm.” My bottom lip trembles. “fine.” I whisper out the last part. Fine, fine, fine- liar! I am such a liar regardless of my intentions, just like Inuyasha- his actions were full of lies hidden under the guise of trying to be kind and of trying to keep everything as it had always been. The same- yeah right- he took my virginity in the name of keeping everything the same? Liar!

 

Miroku whispers something to Sango, but I do not pay attention. She exclaims, “No, I don't know if that is really a good idea. Do you really think it will help?” The houshi nods and jogs back to the village. Meanwhile, Sango moves closer to me and puts her arm around me. “It's ok, Kagome-chan. We will protect you; everything will be fine.” There's that word again- fine! Why does everything have to fine all the time? Still, it feels good to have Sango put her arm around me. It does feel comforting.

 

“Oh Kagome-chan, what happened to you? I wish that you would tell us. You need to say something otherwise you won't heal.” Miroku appears carrying a couple bottles of fine sake. Sango narrows her eyes at the bottles. “So from whom did you steal those, houshi-sama?”

 

He looks offended. “I did not steal them. I have been saving them for a special occasion. This seemed as good as any.” He shrugs.

 

“She has probably never tasted alcohol before!”

 

Miroku nods. “All the more reason to let her taste the good stuff first!” Sango sweatdrops. His eyes soften. “Sango, she needs to heal. Remember- you agreed to this course of action.” She nods and sighs.

 

“You're right; I did. I also hope your bright idea works, houshi-sama.” She softly croons to me and helps me to sit up on my own. “Kagome-chan, sit up please. Drink this. You'll be able to relax a little bit.”

 

Miroku hands me some and after a few minutes, I have gulped down a couple saucers full. “Sake? Sheesh, this is better than that stuff that Jii-chan drinks sometimes.”

 

Sango looks surprised. “You've had some before?”

 

“On my eighteenth birthday…” I haltingly laugh. “ But isn't it my week for vices?”

 

The houshi and the taijiya look at each other. He opens his mouth, but she shakes her head no so he won't ask. Instead, he offers some sake to Sango, who sighs but finally agrees to have a couple of sips, but no more. Miroku takes a sip and looks at the two of us. “What are you thinking about Sango?”

 

She shakes her head and waits a minute before she answers. “I was thinking about my family, about my father and Kohaku- and how I need to avenge them.”

 

He smiles sadly. “You miss them, don't you?”

 

“Yes, I do… I can't help it. I just can't do anything for them. Kohaku doesn't even know who I am, let alone anything about father…”

  

“I understand. I feel your pain, Sango. I miss my father too- I wish I remembered more about him. I know that we'll find a way to save Kohaku…”

 

“He's not Kohaku, not anymore. I don't know what he is, not really. He's a puppet! Kohaku is dead!” As she talks, I am unable to stop tears from warmly coursing down my cheeks, but I do not sob. They notice, stop talking and kindly hand me a handkerchief. Taking it, I blow my nose as they silently watch me.

 

I disturbed their conversation; maybe I should have gone somewhere else. “I'm sorry.”

 

Sango sighs and breaks out her sadness. “Kagome-chan. Why are you sorry- you have done nothing wrong.”

 

Unable to hold everything in, I lay it out on the table. “You are wrong, Sango. I did everything wrong; everything is wrong. It's not ok; nothing is fine!” They give me sympathetic looks and ask me to tell them with their eyes. Should I really tell them? Will they really understand and not think that I am a slut? I guess I need to take that chance. “Oh my gosh, you have to promise that you won't tell anyone about this; I would die if anyone found out.” They solemnly nod. “You see, Inuyasha and I, the other day something happened between us and then he disappeared until tonight. I was happy afterwards, but … I'm not happy now. I know what I did not know before- it was wrong- and I didn't even know how wrong it was! How was I supposed to know? What a mess this is!”

 

Miroku looks at me. “But he is your boyfriend and you love each other, so if you both meant whatever it was, why should there be a problem?”

 

I laugh. “If only it was as simple as that, Miroku-sama. Nothing is simple anymore.” My mind clears a bit for a moment. “I'm not making sense, am I? Oh I suppose you deserve to hear the truth so that you can understand. Well here goes.” I take a deep breath. “We have been messing around for the past year and this was the first time that we actually… umm well yeah you know.”

 

Both Miroku and Sango's eyes snap open really wide as they nod to acknowledge that they understand.

 

“But, you see, it's not just that. Tonight,” I choke back a sob, “Inuyasha took me for a walk and finally told me the truth about a lot of things. He had been lying to me for half a year or so! I had known that he wasn't telling me everything, but he promised me- he gave me his word that he would tell me everything that was important, everything that affected me- and he broke his promise to me.” I look at them and they sit there and wait. I take another couple little sips of the beverage before I continue. “He has someone else- they have been together for a few months and if that wasn't bad enough- she was his first; I wasn't! He knew about her, but he still did that with me in the name of love! He was my first and in the name of love, he deceived me! He doesn't even remember making love to me as he called it- now I wouldn't want to pollute the phrase with such rubbish… he only knew from the smell. It meant so little to him that he forgot everything! I bet he remembers losing his virginity to her!” I take a deep breath.

 

  Both of them hold their breath in amazement. Sango breathes first. “Kagome-chan, um, I don't know exactly what to say. I have no idea why he forgot- it seems a little strange to me. I hate to say it, but maybe he does remember, but just doesn't want to tell you that he does so that he doesn't have to be responsible for his actions.” She is quiet for a moment. “Why didn't he tell you about her sooner? You asked him about that, didn't you?”

 

  I slap my leg. “Yeah, but secretly I hope that he did forget and that it was him who was there with me when he says it was only his body.” I yank on my hair. “About his deception, I asked and he said that he didn't want the relationships that he had to change.” Rage stirs in my heart. “That is such an amazing copout! How dare he try and make me feel sorry for him? This was his fault- all of it. He didn't want to hurt me- baka baka baka!” I clench my fists and grind my teeth together. A moment later, I relax my shoulders. “What did I do instead? I played the happy little martyr- just let me know and allow me to share in your joy… What was I supposed to do anyway? So as a result, I was so calm and understanding! Oh Inuyasha, you'd be happy for me if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you? Oh and to that, there was that lovely little no-I'm-uncomfortable-with-this-question-voice- I'd want you to be happy!!! It sounded as if he didn't mean that at all! What a selfish pain!” I take a moment to breathe and then I thoughtfully sigh. “I think that he would have preferred it if I had been angry.”

 

   Miroku sighs. “It'll be alright, Kagome-sama. I can't imagine that he would really forget, but I understand why you'd want him to remember. Either way… what he did was wrong and so he deserves what's coming to him.”

 

I nod and remain silent for a moment. “You guys, do you think that he really loves me? It wasn't… I wasn't used, was I? He at least loves me- that wasn't a lie, was it?

 

Miroku shakes his head. “We don't know him exactly the same way you do, but I believe that he loves you- he loves you enough to tell you the truth, even if his reasoning was seriously questionable.”

 

I nod softly. “Yeah I hope so.”

 

Sango puts her head to one side. “Did you ask him who she was?”

 

“Oh, no, I didn't actually. You see… I didn't really want to know the answer.” I look off into the forest. “He left… left to go see her I bet. To have her comfort him and love him- I am not good enough for him as I am… Now, I am in the way of their relationship. I wonder- will she feel threatened by me as I was threatened by Kikyo? No, I cannot allow that to happen again.” I pound my fist on the ground. “I told him so- that I would never get in the way and that if I did, I would leave him and never see him again even just as a friend. He told me that he would never allow that to become necessary, but I don't know if I can believe him considering the circumstances.” With a sad heart, I sigh again. “Still, I never was sure that he and I could stay together after the mission was completed. Now I do not need that answer- the question is obsolete… like me. I suppose that I should feel free, free of the burden, free of the questions… free to live my life without worrying about him.”

 

Sango hugs me to her for a moment. “Kagome-chan, you will never be obsolete- not to us, not to anyone. You are already as much as you'll ever need to be… you just need to find the strengths and cultivate them for yourself.” I give her a hug and hold on tight. She gently strokes my hair. “More than that, would you take him back even if he had left her for you tonight? Would you have been comfortable with that? Would you be happy? I hate seeing you so down- we all do.”

 

I pull back and wipe my nose as I consider the well-thought-out question. “No, I could not take him back after what he has done. In his heart, he is a two-timing jerk who cannot make up his mind. I do not know how old he is, but I guess that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. He certainly loves his old tricks, though.” I narrow my eyes and sigh.

 

Miroku shakes his head and cautiously smiles. “Kagome-sama, you deserve better- a better man than he evidently is. He wronged you and you will find someone else who is right for you. Still, the first love is never forgotten; it is special.” Sango questioningly looks at him and he blushes. “So I have heard… I have never lost love before.” They look at each and then both look away.

 

I half-smile at them and nod. “Yes, I have heard that too, but I never knew what it really meant, not really… not until now. You are right- I deserve better than this; I cannot accept this. Sheesh, I put up with enough garbage from him only to receive more.” I shake my head in frustration. “No, I cannot abide by a boyfriend or eventually a husband who would cheat on me and lie to me, regardless of the list of reasons that he gives me to justify his actions. Still… I do hope that we can be friends, real friends again.”

 

Sango places her hand over mine. “It will all work out, Kagome-chan. If he doesn't want to be friends and if he is just going to hurt you more, then it is not worth the trouble and you will be better off without him. I really hate seeing him hurt you like this. It's time to let go- and I know that you know that. We will be there for you and we will help you along the way. Remember this: there is someone else out there for you, someone who is right for you and you, him. You don't have to let go of your love for Inuyasha, but just love him as a friend and be prepared no matter what. You just can't depend on him, but there will be another that you will be able to rely on- and we will be there for you then and now, please know that.”

 

Miroku nods his agreement. “Yes, that's right, Kagome-sama. We will be your friends no matter what.” The monk smiles at me. I grin at both of them and we have a huge group hug. Suddenly I yawn. They teasingly smile at me. “Get some sleep, Kagome-sama and you will feel much better in the morning. Tomorrow is another day- and we will be here when you wake up.”

 

I nod. “Ok, I will. I think that I feel somewhat better about all of this.” I frown and look down. “I have a ways to go, but,” I smile, “I will get through this with the help of my wonderful friends. Thank you so much, guys.” I get up and prepare for bed. That night, after our talk, I finally am able to fall fast asleep.

 

 

Back to narrated time:

 

I had only tasted alcohol once or twice before, but in some ways I am glad that it loosened my tongue enough that I could tell them. I needed to tell someone everything and I am grateful that they were there for me, as they continue to be, even now.

 

One of the hardest things was to admit that I am now the ex-girlfriend, the old flame- someone who only or mostly gets in the way. I used to feel that I could never compete with Kikyo because of the love that she used to share with Inuyasha. Eventually, I found that I did not have to compete, but the situation was still hard on Inuyasha. I cannot help but wonder if this new person feels threatened by me. Just as I feel somewhat betrayed, as I feel like a substitute- so she must be feeling betrayed and hurt as well.

 

He says that he would never allow anything to happen that would cause me to stop being friends with him, but I wonder how true that statement is. I refuse to be the other woman! Whenever they have a fight, I don't want him to crawl back to me with his tail between his legs and his heart broken for me to fix. He may not understand this, but I don't want to be an obstacle to his happiness. Stupid as I may be, I love him and thus I want him to be happy. In his heart and soul, he, Inuyasha, wants me to be happy too... even if he was being a selfish pain in the… ok enough blaming him and enough anger- it is time to let it go.

 

As to what will happen to our relationship, all I can do is follow his lead and see how to respond to him. I want to be his friend and he says he wants to be my friend too. Naturally, ex's do not stay close friends, but maybe we will be the exception to the rule. Maybe we will be beat the odds, and win against those who begin to bet against us. After all, he was my first love and that is special- surely it is worth the effort.

 

Soon, my heart will begin to feel freer and I will move on as I must. I learned so much from him; I treasure our memories, but I will not live in them. I will not be his friend in the past. Most importantly, I will not try to take him to hell with me…

 

Kikyo, wherever you are, how do you feel about this? First he left you for me, your reincarnation, and now he has left both of us for someone- and he shacked up with her… I thought that I said I would not be angry with him for that anymore. Anyway, I used to be so afraid of Kikyo and what she had shared with him- that there would never be room in Inuyasha's heart for both of us. I wrote off the idea of him being caught between us because Kikyo was dead and because I was her reincarnation… but it seems to have become a disease with him, an affliction- he did it again. He is transient and untrustworthy, more than I had thought. I put too much faith in him.

 

Maybe I am fool for not wanting to know who she, this new female, is and more about her, but I just did not want to know the answer. I was already shaking inside and… I just was not sure if my emotional barrier was going to pop. When I spoke to him with the calm understanding tone, I partially wanted to make him feel ashamed. I did not want to yell- I did not want to let him know how deeply that he had wounded me. Certainly, I forgive him for what he did although I still believe that he was seriously wrong and even more seriously out of line with regards to his behavior. I even forgive his memory lapses- if they were real or not. Who can really tell? It doesn't really matter to what I will do now.

 

For now, I will live on and remind myself every day to forgive him… and to forgive myself for not trusting my instincts. I will search for the one who will not wrong me or forget as Inuyasha has done. Honestly, I hope that Inuyasha's happy… and I am happy for him and I will be able to see it, just not yet. Everything happens for a reason and I will not let my jealousy and anger taint me as it did Kikyo. I have wonderful friends and I hope that Inuyasha will always be one of them. Life and love go on and I will not allow everything to pass me by… No, I choose life over survival, because love and trust make the pain worth it. I will remember you, Inuyasha- no matter what you remember… and time and truth march onward.

 

 

This story is dedicated to: God and my Lord Jesus Christ for helping and supporting me through everything and loving me even when I allowed my focus to sway from You; JTD, my first love; KRH, my second love; and last but not least, Erin, my best friend and roommate who has been there for me like a sister through everything this year and last year.

 

 

Shoutouts:

Classic Cowboy: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad that it's interesting and that it came out alright.

Angelstars: Yeah something rather similar happened to me last week. The main difference is that things did not go quite so far between us that night, he was my second love not my first(I was his second love), I spoke to my friend Erin about it in the apartment and I poured myself some vodka with cranberry juice instead of her giving me sake. Those are the main differences. I'm glad that you understand.

IceRayven: It's funny that you say that it has a life of its own- it does kinda feel that way. I am a little sick right now, but I am going to answer your wonderful e-mail.

 

Please review, everyone!

The End! (ahhhhh! I finished something!)