InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Pride Before Denial ❯ Pride Before Denial ( Chapter 1 )

AN: Written for the “Denial” theme at inuyasha_et_al on Livejournal. This will not be continued.

 

Pride before Denial

 

When she first found him, she told herself that it would only be a game, and it would remain so until she found some other distraction or shiny thing that would catch her fancy. He was young when she saw him roaming about his father's old lands, and of course, she knew who he was, and she'd heard reports of him since his birth and even from Izayoi's death, and the Lady took pleasure in the fact that he was a survivor and so self-sufficient that many inu youkai were. She supposed it meant something that he took after his father that way, and did not give into human weaknesses that were inherent in his blood.

Still, he was a ghastly, dirty thing when she found him sleeping in a tree, and she was intrigued, though she supposed many humans would mistake her interest for pity, she did not feel it. When this whelp was of age, he was to inherit great things, and since the passing of time was so quick for her, the Lady was sure he were to grow into a pleasing young man within the blink of her eye.

She used the wind to surprise him and caused a frightening gust to dislodge him from the tree, and he woke with an angry growl, and she dared not chuckle at the defensiveness sharpening in his eyes. 

“Who's there?” he called and looked around frantically while the Lady smirked at him, keeping herself hidden within the shadows. He was amusing, she thought.

“At least wash yourself in my presence,” she spoke with an accompanying blast of wind that knocked him backward into a nearby stream. He hollered after the splash, and when he came to his feet, shaking and shivering, he met her familiar golden eyes and stopped himself before slurring a tumble of curses.

“You!” He acted if he knew whom she was, and she wondered that maybe he just might. Her son, Sesshoumaru, has had contact with him after all, though she supposed their relationship wasn't on great terms.

“Don't assume you know me, boy. You will address me as Lady of the West,” she said with a haughty air, which left him annoyed yet thankfully speechless. “Or because you are of distant kin, you may address me as Lady.”

“Lady, you are that bastard Sesshoumaru's mother. I do know who you are,” he spat. He shook himself off and she watched him bound from the water and back onto dry land. He approached her dripping wet and smelling marginally better. The Lady, however, could not take her eyes off his face, which looked so much like her late husband's. She held back a breath and kept her composure.

Instead she smirked. “Ah,” she said. “I do not believe my son is the bastard here.” The whelp glared at her, and she sighed. “Please keep your opinions of my son to yourself in my presence, child.”

“If you knew what he did to me every time he finds me, you would understand why I hate him, Lady,” he sneered at her. 

“And if you understood more about inu youkai, you would see his behavior as merciful, given the circumstances,” she scolded, but soon treated him less harshly. “Now, I did not come here to fight with you, little Inuyasha.”

He released a low growl, keeping up his defenses. “Then why did you?”

She did not answer him at first, not really knowing herself a good reason for coming here. She'd been watching him long enough and felt it was necessary to introduce herself, even though she didn't quite believe he deserved the chance of knowing her. What worth was he to her anyway? She could sooner forget him if she wanted, but it was hard to avoid the truth that this young hanyou would someday inherit her late husband's greatest sword. If he only knew of the potential he possessed, not just of his youkai blood, but how it would be used in congruence with his humanity. The idea was putrid to even think about, but that was what her former mate had wanted.

He wanted to ensure that a son of low birth, of his true love (and not of his arranged love), would have something to help him survive - and he would gain something out of never knowing the father who loved him.

She lifted her chin as he stared at her darkly, waiting impatiently for her answer. For every second that seeped by he grew more suspicious. 

“I wanted to bring you news - to give you something to live for, young Inuyasha,” she said softly. She did not want to invoke his ire now. She wanted him to regard her well, even though she still felt herself above his approval. In Inuyasha, she felt some sense of purpose - beyond a maternal nature. She never wanted him to think that, and it intrigued her to why she should care.

She resolved to examine her own feelings for him further. It is not because he looks like my husband, or that his youki, though weak, has the same sting against my bones, she thought.

“Huh, I smell a trap,” he said cautiously, and she would assume nothing less. “Don't think for a minute I'll let you shove me around like Sesshoumaru does.”

“It would not be ladylike,” she said stiffly. “So do not trouble yourself. I only come to bring a message.”

“And what is that?” he snarled.

She stared at him stoically and delighted in flashing him a mysterious smile. “To live, Inuyasha. You have much to live for when you are grown.”

Immediately, he became loud. “I don't need you to tell me to live, Lady. I've been surviving on my own every day fine without you!” He gritted his teeth, and he stormed up to her, so close she could feel his breath. His lack of manners irked her ever so slightly, but his proximity puzzled her growing feelings even more.

Delicately, she retreated from his space and walked a few paces to his side, turning her back to him. “You take for granted the blood that runs through your veins, little Inuyasha.” She turned around to meet his eyes. His wonder and curiosity amused her. His scent, mingling with hers, brought about sensations within her loins that she hadn't felt in decades. She stared at him, took in his face and yearned for the touch of familiarity, and then she decided. 

She would have this boy. She would have him so that he loved her and no one else.

--

The Lady of the West left him that time, where he was left to wonder about the vagueness of her words and brevity of her visit. She wanted him to think, however, that at least Sesshoumaru's mother was not cruel in the physical sense of her powerful son. She would visit him again and catch him off-guard, so he would have little room to refuse her.

Four full moons cycled before she found him again, sleeping soundly in another tree, always around the same vicinity where she had found him before. He did not move around much, and he stayed in places that made him feel comfortable and had the best trees. When she came to him, it was in the fifteenth year since his birth, and in those four months, he had grown considerably to the naked eye. The Lady had even observed how his shoulders began to fill out with muscle, and she supposed he tumbled with many large animals for his share of food to keep strong.

The young lanky child she had watched this time was starting to fill into the body of a man. His heart and mind however, were still impressionable - malleable, which delighted her enough to fuel this scheme.

Seducing him, though, would be a challenge. He was lonely, abandoned and ostracized, and those were only things she'd seen at the surface. Inside him battled two different forces, a human and a demon, which made it hard for him to trust himself, let alone others. 

He was sleeping when she appeared to him again, and as she landed at the base of the tree, she knew her presence would stir him. 

“It's you again, Lady,” he said, with less anger in his voice, and when their eyes locked, she saw his intrigue more than anything. She smiled appraisingly at him. 

“Good tidings on the anniversary of your birth, little Inuyasha,” she said softly. She strode toward him, and he stood rigidly, his eyes widening at her remark.

“So you know that,” he said gruffly. “What else do you know about me?” he asked cautiously. 

“A great many things.” She lifted her arm to his head, staring at his ears as he shifted back slightly. “I promise to not harm you,” she whispered. “It's just that... I have never seen such a thing with inu hanyou before.”

Inuyasha was surprised. “There have been others?” Suddenly, the atmosphere turned very different. A comfortable air arose between them. It was exactly as she wanted. His loneliness and curiosity for her were causing him to open up, if only slightly.

“Yes, but they did not live long, and they were never as pleasing to the eye as you are,” she said bluntly, which caused him to blush. She smiled. “Consider yourself lucky, little Inuyasha.”

“Keh,” he scoffed. “I ain't ever considered myself lucky and I never will.” His gaze hardened and he backed away from her. “Look, I don't know what your deal is. My father certainly never cared about me, and Sesshoumaru knocks me into a beaten pulp before he takes off, so I'm thinking that anyone on that side of my family is always up to no good.”

“Understandable,” the Lady said. “I assure you my reason is only for your benefit. I gain very little out of this.”

“Ha! I knew there was something,” he said, and he turned around and pointed a finger at her. “Whatever you think you'll get from me, forget it. Now leave me alone." He bounded back up to his spot in the tree, and he closed his eyes, his jaw clenching in anticipation for the moment she would leave. 

However, she had no plans to give up. In a whoosh of wind, she brought herself to the same tree limb and reclined over his body. He screamed in protest, but she placed her delicate hand over his mouth to silence him.

“Do you know why my son hates you so much?” she asked, and he squirmed underneath her and his heartbeat increased. This human form gave false assumptions to her natural mass, and she pinned him down with her whole weight. She could see he was struggling to breathe, so she let up, just enough that he couldn't maneuver away. 

She traced a finger down one of his ears, and he stiffened, showing her a defensive fang. He let out a low growl in the pit of his throat. She chuckled. “You look so much like your father, do you know that? It must sicken my son every day. He got my looks, you see.”

“I noticed,” Inuyasha spat at her. “So what is this...You come after me because I look like my father?” His face turned red, and he was definitely angry. He was struggling to reject her advances. She sensed confusion among his hostility, and yet his body was fighting urges that he didn't completely understand.

“It is not only that,” she said honestly, her hands running through his silver hair now. She saw him swallow hard. “Because of your birth, you will unlikely ever feel the touch of a woman for the rest of your wretched life.” She didn't mean to be cruel, but she wanted him to at least believe her intentions were true of a youkai, not of a human woman. She had to be honest in some respect, for he would become more suspicious. He did not need to know the true reason for her attentions, mainly because she did not fully understand them herself.

“So...” His voice wavered with a choking laughter. “You feel some sort of pity for me.”

“I feel nothing of the sort.” She shifted her body onto his, fitting their parts more naturally together, and she saw his eyes glaze over as he choked out an awkward cough. He watched her with desperation, the kind she wanted him to exude all along. He desired her, and he was ignoring his suspicions and giving into new temptations. The Lady of the West leaned her face closer to his, and her lips hovered above his mouth, and she could feel his strained breath flutter over her. 

“I only feel the natural order of things... the instincts of my body,” she said as her voice dropped to a whisper. “As you do.”

He attempted one last struggle to flee from her, but she grabbed him against the wobbly branch, and she brought them down to the ground. He was out of sorts for a moment, and she took his arms and pinned them above his head with her claws digging deep into his wrists. He groaned, and she felt his youki rise, swirling and sliding around her. She bent down and licked the side of his cheek before nibbling at his lips. He moaned and his tongue darted to meet hers, tasting her back. Trusting he wasn't going anywhere, not now, she let go of his hands and pulled away the red fire rat haori that her husband once wore himself. She smiled in pleasure when she felt his hot hands tumble over her clothes. She helped him, peeling off layers frantically before he could rip them apart. 

He paused suddenly when he saw her naked skin, and she smiled at him seductively as she pushed away the last remnants of her clothes. His body shuddered under her, and she bucked her hips into him, teasing him by the center of heat between his legs.

When he wanted to be cautious, she took control. She laughed as she took him inside, and he moved awkwardly in her grasp, awed and unsure as to what to do. She pushed a hard, commanding hand onto the center of his chest, and he submitted, moving to meet her pace as she began to ride. She took him deeply, and though he was underdeveloped at this point, it was well enough, and he was pleasing and pliant, and he let her direct him, and she took satisfaction in the faces he made and the utterances of his carnal delight.

In the moonlight they moved as one, and Inuyasha held her with his strong arms, and she caged him with her strong legs, and finally, when the sighs he made were long and tired, she felt him shiver, spilling into her and relaxing in the grass with an exhausted glow. She did not stop, however, and he did not deter her. He folded his arms behind his head, and he watched intently as she felt the wave of her own fulfillment. 

He smirked at her, and she wondered anxiously to what he was thinking. His cockiness, so different from the awkwardness in the beginning, intrigued her, but she had seen this mood before - in the act of pleasuring a woman, these inu youkai would gain a sense of pride. She wondered if he'd ever experienced it before. Despite this, she thought, she also knew he'd feel something else - possessiveness. It was something that she would anticipate.

“I don't believe you,” he said lazily as he played with a stray strand of her hair. He met her golden eyes with his, and his grin broadened. “I think others will still want to touch me.”

“Hrmm,” she replied, liking this newfound confidence enough to destroy it. “You would be surprised.” She shifted with him still inside her, and he let out a strangled sigh. “You are well in skill for a beginner, but it is your mixed heritage that would frighten people away.” She saw his smile disappear and his ego deflated; he knew the reality well enough. She was only here to make sure he didn't forget it. She leaned down and kissed him. 

“But don't you worry, little Inuyasha. I will have you because I am so generous,” she said, and his face tensed with anger.

He gripped her arms enough to bruise. He glared into her eyes, searching for a promise. “Always?” he hissed.

“For now,” she answered, nuzzling his nose. Then he held her as if he would never let her go. Yet, very soon she would peel herself away from his sleeping form and disappear until she met with him the next time.

--

“You're making a mistake, Mother,” her son had told her when he caught her on the way to Inuyasha's favorite forest. She turned toward her son, whose grave expression showed that he didn't approve.

“It is my mistake to make,” she said calmly.

“What is your game?” he seethed at her. He pulled on her arm, and she wondered if Inuyasha was really the possessive one in all of this. She turned her gaze toward her son's anger and merely smiled. 

“We all have our own interest in Inuyasha's future,” she said poignantly, which made Sesshoumaru lessen his hold. “Yours is violent, of course. Your hatred is blatant and clumsy. Of course, your father's interest was to help him survive, the foolish dog.”

“And yours?”

“Mine is merely didactic,” she stated, and she turned away. Not even Sesshoumaru knew everything his father had intended for his brother. Someday he would, but it was not her place to tell him now. “Inuyasha's situation is unfortunate. Youkai spurn him, and humans are too afraid of him. No one will ever accept him. For now, in me, he has someone.”

“And when you leave him?” Sesshoumaru shook his head once. “I cannot believe you would consider this relationship as permanent.”

“Of course not, don't be silly,” she heard herself saying very quickly, even though something small inside her pained her to say it. Then she added, “I don't think a youkai will ever mate with Inuyasha, let alone consider him with his situation.”

“You are the one to teach him this?” he asked, and she turned toward him, pleased that he understood her motives, but he still did not see her whole truth. Sesshoumaru's expression was blank when he said. “You are crueler than I, Mother.”

“You may think what you like,” she said and exited the palace. Of course, she knew she was not so cruel. Someday, if Inuyasha were to ever use the sword, he would have to care enough to protect somebody, but with a broken heart, that may never happen.

And he would never be able to use the sword; it would just be a dull, useless trinket.

She grinned at the thought of this, and she remembered her late husband. “Do you see, my dear? Even your plan has its flaws.”

When she descended to the ground and saw Inuyasha turn to greet her, the light in his eyes made her previous thoughts seem even sweeter.

--

After many full moons of rutting with Inuyasha and building up his affection for her, the Lady of the West felt her lesson was over. She sat up from their bedding one evening, and she began dressing herself, making sure every spot of clothing was in its perfect place.

He propped himself on an elbow and watched her silently. 

“I must leave you now, little Inuyasha,” she said, and the look in his eyes showed he did not know her intent. This was good, she thought.

“When will you be back?” he asked, and she turned around and cupped his cheek within her palm. 

“Oh, my dear, I do not know,” she said. He pulled away, and she could see the realization in his eyes. This time when she left, he knew it would be different. “This was never going to continue. You know this, little one.”

He pulled away from her, and she saw that he was starting to withdraw within himself. Fury swirled in his golden eyes, and she noticed the moonlight sparkling within his unshed tears. He clenched his fists, growling fiercely as she drew away and stood aside to watch him with a cold smile. “I knew it! I knew you'd never stay.”

She tilted her head in sympathy. He was emotional, yet - he was still young, and the Lady knew she got to him at tender, tumultuous age. He kept his eyes away from her, boring an angry hole into the ground. “You felt nothing for me. You're just like him... only ... You... you're all alike!”

“Well, at least you know that,” she stated placidly. “Little Inuyasha, you must understand my meaning. I did enjoy you. You ...interest me, of course.”

“But you don't love...” He didn't even finish before she interrupted.

“I am youkai. I do not feel love,” she said astutely, lifting her chin.

“My father loved my mother,” he said softly, his tone regarding them fondly, more than he would ever show to her again. She was almost offended by it.

“Your father was a rarity,” she said with a light sigh. “But I am not like him.” 

He turned toward her, finally, and his eyes were different now. She was the enemy, distrusted and rejected. She felt a pang in her chest, and she tried to ignore it. Many beings have hated her so much before, but feeling it from Inuyasha was different in some way. 

Curious, she thought. Her attachment was never meant to go this far.

“If you would like, I can come and see you any time you are lonely,” she said softly; though she wondered if she was doing it more for herself than him.

“Forget it,” he spat. “You've proved your point, and you got your so-called message across.” He met her eyes with deep anger and she knew he'd never forgive her. If there was anything she had failed in this experiment, it was to gain his heart completely. She could see even now that there were dark recesses of Inuyasha's heart that she could never touch. She pitied the next woman who would try to love him as she did, even if her efforts had been merely out of folly.

“I really wonder if you will ever know my message, Inuyasha,” she said, and for the first time, she addressed him as a man. He straightened his back and glared at her. Still, he did not shed tears; he only looked at her as if he wanted to tear her apart, knowing that he would ultimately fail.

He snorted. “I know never to trust anyone from your family. Not now, not ever. At least your bastard son can beat me to a point where I can heal,” he said bitterly.

“True. Sesshoumaru has a lot to learn about his methods,” she said with a bemused expression. “He is young like you.”

Inuyasha stepped away, his eyes turning dull as he stared into the black of the forest. “Just go then. I don't want to see you anymore. You've done enough.”

“Of course, I take my leave,” she said, and she turned away to walk a little before she took off into the sky, hoping that if he watched her go, maybe he would stop her and beg her to come back. When he did not, she felt unsatisfied. When she rose aloft to the sky, shifting into her most natural shape, she wondered if she had cut him off too soon. Maybe she did not make enough of an impression. 

She turned back to see Inuyasha as a red streak, racing through the forest as he howled out his emotions into the night. 

But, she supposed he would heal quite soon. He would become more distrustful of others, yes, but he would forget her touch, and he would spite her every time he heard her name.

Maybe, she mused, she should meet him again - unexpectedly, to make sure he did not forget her so easily.

---

“Well, there you have it, Mother,” Sesshoumaru said, looking beyond the clouds.” The whelp will no longer trust anyone. Though, truthfully, I believe your exercise is pointless, even if you found a disgusting enjoyment in it.”

“I did enjoy myself. I am weary though, my son. I cannot perform in such ways within that form for too long,” she said tiredly, reclining against her decorative throne. She watched her son curl his lip when he took in her meaning.

“I wonder,” he said distantly, and then he met her eyes. “If he did not affect you in some way.” His face was like a stone, but she could almost feel him laughing at her. 

“Impossible,” she said nonchalantly, waving her hand.

“Then you will not care about the news I heard only days ago. The mongrel has been withdrawn for years since you last left, but lately he is starting to interact with humans again.”

“Oh? I would think that almost unthinkable for him,” she said with a sniff. She felt her son watch her closely, studying her manner as to how she reacted to his words.

“Apparently not. He has been dwelling around a certain village.” She could feel him still watching her, so she closed her eyes and acted indifferent as he continued. However, she could not help it. Any news of Inuyasha piqued her concern.

“There is a woman,” he said lightly.

“Humph,” she responded. “How unlucky.”

“For you, Mother?” She opened her eyes and met his with a confident mask.

“No, my child. For her,” she said, resting her head on her palm. She smiled at her only son. "Will you stay with your mother for awhile?”
Sesshoumaru turned his back to her, which caused her annoyance. “I take my leave. I have matters to attend.”

She groaned dramatically. "You disappoint me, Sesshoumaru." But her son said nothing, and he left like a thunderbolt through the clouds. When Sesshoumaru was away and her soldiers turned from her face, she frowned and did not enjoy the loneliness she was beginning to feel. She found it troublesome; the Lady of the West certainly spent long periods of time alone before. Why should this be different?

She closed her eyes and couldn't think of an answer. In the blackness of her mind, all that came to life was a moonlight night, where she settled onto the cold grass, held within the arms of a distant, illusory heat.

END