InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Pride (In the Name of Love) ❯ Chapter 89

Pride (In the Name of Love) 89 / ??
Written by Jezz-Ra
Warnings - Not all warnings apply to all chapters. Yaoi, Het, Rape, Lemon, Violence, Language, Torture, Angst, Incest, Dark (at times). It's a massive story, folks, it's got a little bit of everything.
Disclaimer - I don't own Inuyasha, don't make money off it. Wish I did.

Sidestories can be found under my author profile at any of my archive sites.
Archived at - inu.adultfanfiction.net, fanfiction.net, and mediaminer.org ::: Anywhere else, ask!
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// blah // indicates thoughts.

A/N - Wow. It was great to hear from y'all...I got more reviews than I even expected. =D

You see, Jess LOVES reviews. It's the only payment I get for this. On an average day, I spend 2-3 hours per chapter. Admittedly, this includes some distractions and some days my muse is really speaking and I can rip it out faster. But I digress. Anyway, getting reviews makes me feel appreciated and validates the time I spend continuing to write. Yes, I write for me...to a point...but I keep my schedule as I do and am so driven because of YOU all. Your reviews remind me you are still out there, and give me the warm fuzzy happiness of knowing I have followers to work to please. So take a couple minutes out to drop me a line now and then. It makes my day. =D Every review makes a difference.

I even appreciate criticism. I understand not everyone will like everything, and I'm not perfect. If you have a valid point, or have a suggestion, or just want to chat on a more personal level about something...feel free to email me, please. I enjoy getting in touch with my audience.

This is all for you, my peeps. I love all of you that have the devotion to make it this far with me, and hope you're around for as long as this story and all the sidestories it has spawned / is spawning continue!

~ Jessi, your humble author. (or the Mighty Pharaoh Jezz-Ra, if I'm in a less humble mood. ; ) )
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"Well...are you quite finished yet?" Jormandar's dry voice slithered through his ears like a snake across gravel. Tsetsukosei scowled in annoyance before flicking his hazel-green eyes towards the dark, cloaked figure.

Jormandar's own eyes widened a bit and he let out a small chuckle, taking in the sight of Tsetsukosei's new form. He appeared almost human, save for the telltale pointed ears of a youkai. He had slitted hazel-green eyes. His hair was relatively short and spiked, a deep shade of green, save for two long and braids that swung just in front of his ears, which were tipped with yellow a few inches from their ends. "You are virtually unidentifiable from Shimaku...but will the Southern lands believe you are their lord returned?"

Tsetsukosei smirked. "They do not know the true fate of their lord. I will inform them of what REALLY happened...and then with our combined armies will deal with the dogs."

"Good, very good...just remember our agreement."

"I would not forget, Jormandar. Trust me." Tsetsukosei bowed quickly, and then was gone.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Toga looked more than a little sheepish when he and Sesshoumaru got back to his room. In his possessed rage, Toga had destroyed much of the room's priceless furniture. Sesshoumaru eyed the room, then glanced at Toga and smirked at the expression on his father's face.

"This Sesshoumaru does not understand why you look so upset. You clearly won your combat against the decor."

Toga snorted. "Very funny. At least I didn't feel the need to slice up my bed. It was quite expensive."

"Indeed, that would have been a sad occurrence."

Toga was silent for a moment before turning a much more serious gaze on Sesshoumaru. "I DID seem to feel the need, however, to slice up my puppy. While that in itself is not surprising, considering Sounga's thirst for blood...you could have likely won our combat and you refused to strike."

Sesshoumaru nodded in agreement.

"Further, you threatened your brother's life should he make any such attempt."

"And I meant it."

Toga sighed. "You do know I could never have lived with myself had I struck down either of you..."

Sesshoumaru closed his eyes for a long moment. "My Lord Father...if it had come to it, I would have stopped you from killing me. I had not expected Inuyasha's interference. But even if it had meant my own death, I would not have struck you down."

"Don't be foolish, pup...you have to outlive me."

Sesshoumaru's gaze snapped to Toga so quickly that the elder inu was surprised that it did not have an audible sound. "My Lord Father...I have no desire to outlive you."

The elder inu frowned darkly. "Sesshoumaru, you are my son. No parent should outlive their child. And while I know you suffered, you survived my demise before."

"Did I?..."

Toga blinked. "Sesshoumaru...""I continued to function properly but the world held no meaning. I would not have cared if it all burned or dropped into the sea. When you died, I died with you."

Toga's frown deepened. "I do not wish for things to be thus. Sesshoumaru, you-""My Lord Father, please. With all due respect...I cannot heed this desire. Then, not even as much as now, you meant too much to me. If my devotion and this need is a weakness, I am sorry, but it is part of me. You were all I had and became all I needed. Everything else was transient, but you were always there. No one else understood, and no one else cared for me outside of an official sense, fulfilling their duty to you. My Lord Father, then or now, I have never been loved and it is a strong possibility that few even liked me. I am not like you, despite how hard I tried in my youth. You were not merely feared, but loved. You inspired loyalty. You were impossible to replace, and no matter what I tried, all I ever heard was how I was good for what I was, but I was not you. I can not open my heart to the world. I am considered cold because I cannot embrace emotions as you do, as most do. To do so grates against my sense of logic and what is right. Even if that means I was hated, am hated...I was feared and respected as well, and so I got by. Regardless...I..."

Sesshoumaru paused, swallowing hard. He hated admitting to anything that might be considered a weakness. "I cannot change this. I am...I have always been...too damaged, too fragile. I cannot cope with the world if I embrace it. I cannot risk the pains that may come with the pleasures. The damage they would bring is too extensive. It is not fear of the world, merely acceptance that it is not for one such as I. The world largely despises me. The only one that ever accepted me without condition and loved me as I was, not because of WHAT I was...was you. You would not leave me. You would not betray me. You would not expect of me more than I am able to give. And while it may seem...ridiculous...all this is who I was, who I am now. Even if this is a weakness you despise, my Lord Father...I would rather you hate me for everything I am than ever love me for something that I am not."

Toga was taken aback, his eyes widening the more Sesshoumaru spoke. Dear gods...even if he had suspected some of these things to be true, it didn't change the fact that it was difficult to hear. He had known Sesshoumaru had suffered when he was small. His pup never made mention of it and instead pasted on a stoic mask and continued about his life...but Toga had known. Something had always been gnawing at his Sesshoumaru. His pup took little joy in the world. As he had gotten older, the quietly borne and unidentifiable sadness had left Sesshoumaru. It was not hidden or buried away, it was simply gone. Toga had assumed Sesshoumaru had found an answer to something he had been looking for...it hadn't occurred to him that his pup had simply accepted things as fact, decided he did not need anything else and would not pine for things he felt he could not have...would not give in to 'useless' grief.

He alone was the exception in Sesshoumaru's life, his rock. He had always been able to draw Sesshoumaru out of his shell and always had known him in a different way than others. He had seen his pup laugh and tease and ... live. Dimly he had known that Sesshoumaru only seemed to let go of his mask in his presence...but some part of Toga had always assumed that Sesshoumaru surely must enjoy the world at times when he was not present. To think that this was not the case...that his pup truly did shut the world out entirely when he was not there to open a window into it...it brought a lump to his throat and a sharp ache to his heart. How could he have been so blind, let Sesshoumaru continue on without finding a way to FIX it?

He frowned inwardly, a deep sense of guilt gnawing at him. He hadn't fixed the problem that he didn't want to accept...because in some ways he didn't wish for it's solution. He...had enjoyed the constant presence of his pup. Sesshoumaru never got in the way but was always there to help him. He only spoke the words but a handful of times in all his life, but he always showed Toga how much he loved him. He had always stood by him. Occasionally he would disagree, surely, but when he did it was never without good reason and was ultimately for the good of the lands he knew his father loved or Toga's own personal good.

In a large sense, Sesshoumaru's whole-hearted devotion to him...his desperate love and quiet need for Toga's acceptance...the comfort he gave whether he realized it or not...his singular presence inside the wall around Sesshoumaru's heart... This was a monster he himself had been instrumental in birthing, even if he did have help. And now, how could he hope to change it? Was it even possible anymore?

In truth, some change had come already. Sesshoumaru had very slowly begun to open himself to a select few individuals and hesitantly accepted things in tiny doses. It was a very small start, but a start nonetheless. Toga held no illusions that he would be replaced as the sun for Sesshoumaru's private little world, and he didn't care to be. But he would do what he could to make sure that some faith in life itself was restored to his pup, that was for sure.

Toga sighed and pulled Sesshoumaru into his arms. "I could never do anything but love you, my Sesshoumaru. That has never changed, even if....the circumstances have changed a bit. You are more precious to me than anything. I just do not wish to have you suffer on my count."

"This Sesshoumaru suffers not."

Toga nuzzled his throat and sighed softly. He gently traced his tongue over one long and narrow cut that he knew he had inflicted himself. "I made you suffer today, and you still bear the wounds to prove it."

"They are nothing. Things ended well, despite the stress of the day." Sesshoumaru couldn't repress the tiny shiver that ran through him. His tone shifted as a small smirk flicked across his lips. "I thought you were tired..."

"I am. Very much so, in fact."

"If you do not stop licking this Sesshoumaru very soon, well...history has shown what happens each and every time such an event has occurred."

Toga smirked and then lifted Sesshoumaru up, drawing a startled gasp from the younger inu. He deposited him in bed and slid in next to him, snuggling Sesshoumaru tightly against his body before resuming his ministrations. "The difference this time is that I am entirely too exhausted. So hush and let me take care of you. Honestly. Kids these days, always so...eager..."

Sesshoumaru smirked. "Ah, I see. You cannot keep up with me."

"Generally I would be happy to put you in your place and prove you wrong, especially since that sounded suspiciously like a challenge..."

"It was."

"And I shall accept. Perhaps tomorrow. Battling Sounga takes a lot of energy."

"So does keeping ahead of you."

"You're relentless, aren't you?..." Toga smirked.

"Actually, I'm quite tired myself. However, I cannot seem to keep my thoughts very pure when you start assailing me with your tongue."

"Shall I stop, then?"Sesshoumaru almost purred as he snuggled against Toga sleepily. "Oh, by no means...please, do not."