InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Pulling Her Down ❯ Self Reproach ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of InuYasha, even though he owns my heart. I do not seek to gain anything in means of profit, rights, or anything else from creating this. This story is only a fanciful musing from a person that totally adorns the characters and story as it is.

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Pulling Her Down

by: aishiteru_inu

Part 2: Self-Reproach

InuYasha crouched at the edge of the water. He shoved his hands into the sandy grit of the dirt, using the abrasiveness as a scrub to aid in cleansing his nails and hands: to rid himself of her.

The blood was already long gone, having washed away the first time he plunged them in, but he couldn't seem to stop. Again and again, he stabbed his fingers into the ground, feeling the need to get them cleaner.

"Damn filthy hands! Hideous claws!" He spat with accusing disdain. "Stupid, Baka! She wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place if you hadn't pulled her down! Why couldn't you have let go of her? Why did you…"

He slammed the watery ground with his fists and moved away from the bank in disgust.

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Kagome needed some time to be alone, needed some time to think. She had wanted to go find InuYasha to see about him. Well, at least a part of her did, the other part just wanted to go into seclusion for a while, and it was the latter that finally won out in the end. Hence her solitary walk.

Through the field she went, in the direction of the mountains that loomed in the foreground. She did not go a far distance from the security of the shelter that they had found, or the protection of her companions, but far enough to give her the solitude she sought for the time being. She walked until finally choosing to settle herself by a rogue tree, -- a loner itself, -- standing without the company of any others nearby. It seemed to be the perfect place to be.

Kneeling down beside it, she placed the small pot of cool water that she had brought on the ground next to her. She dipped the now warm cloth into its water to renew its coolness, then wrung it out, letting the excess fall from whence it had been drawn.

Folding it to the size she wanted, Kagome then placed it upon her throbbing lip, which felt like it was growing larger with every pulse. She winched a little as the roughness of the material settled against the raw wound on her lip, but the coolness started to sooth the ache. As the throbbing lessened, she leaned against the rough bark of the tree and lost herself in her own thoughts.

Just as before, she wanted to seek InuYasha out, but she just couldn't…… She couldn't face him, especially not the way her face looked right now. It was bad enough that he had insisted looking at her a while ago, and what a horrible sight she had to be, that's for sure! She had tried to keep her eyes down just so it didn't seem like he was taking in every detail that marred her face, but the burning gaze of his inspection only made her intensely aware that he was there.

Even though thoughts of how she looked did enter her mind, her self consciousness wasn't one of total conceit.

She knew the expression he must have been met with when she unveiled her eyes to return his gaze. There was no hiding the tears that still sprang from them, nor disguising the pain that they reflected; he took it all in, and whatever she may have felt for herself was rivaled by the expression she saw upon his face. She could just as well have been slammed down onto the ground again, and it couldn't have phased her much more than seeing the emotions he was going through.

He tried to mask it with the scowl he puts on to hid from people what he felt inside, but he couldn't conceal it from his eyes. He was hurting terribly over what his actions had done to her, and then he had flung himself away to deal with that knowledge on his own, alone.

She knew that what had happened wasn't his fault. She didn't blame him for it either. She just……wasn't able to say anything to him right then as she reeled with something else more than just embarrassment and the pain in her face. Whatever InuYasha may have seen in her eyes, she knew that he had missed the one thing that had added to her suffering. Her humbled humiliation.

Kagome realized that even though he had laughed at her about it, maybe he was right; maybe she got a good taste of what he felt every time she 'sat' him. It was when he laughed and mocked her that she wondered if this was indeed what he felt. She never really gave a thought about it before. It just never seemed to really phased him, or rather it never seemed to hurt him like it did her. She never saw him gashed open or bleeding, maybe his brain a little rattled, but not like what she experienced. He would get up snapping mad at times, or just brush it off like nothing had happened, but would he hide the fact that it hurt him if it did?

'Yes,' the answer came to her mind, 'he would.' He always hid it if it hurt. It didn't matter if he got punched, or cut, or stabbed, -- or anything -- he would always say, 'It's nothing' or 'Don't worry about me'. So why would getting 'sat' be any different?

That's where her humility came in, knowing that he took it and wouldn't say it hurt. He was too protective of his weaknesses to leave himself open. How could she never have thought?

Somewhere in the distance, she heard it. The strange wailing sound, that vibrated through the air. It was a mournful, heart wrenching resonance, long and even in it's pitch. It brought tears to her eyes as she felt the sadness expressed in it's tone.

Only a demon could make that strong and length of a howl.

"Is that you, InuYasha?" Kagome whispered as she pressed her head against the rough bark of the tree she leaned against, closing her eyes.

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InuYasha sat near the base of a tree with his legs drawn up as close as he could get them; his arms encircled around the knees, while his forehead rested upon his forearms.

Just a few feet to his right, was another tree -- with the emphasized word being 'was', as now it laid in shredded pieces upon the ground.

After moving away from the waters edge, his pent up frustrations had him pacing -- or more to the effect of stomping -- back and forth along the banks of the stream. He kicked at anything that dared lay in his path, and at times, his steps were a bit more violent as he scuffed and scarred the earth with his feet and smaller talons of his toes.

His mind taunted him with the memories of how he had laughed at her, of how funny he thought it was to see her sprawled on the ground like that. It played through his head like some sick joke over and over, and what made it even worst were the visions of the blood dripping down, slamming into the dry dirt, splashing upward and out until they came to rest in a crimson splay on the ground, visions of her dirty, tear streaked face as she tried to hide it from his view, and visions of her swollen face, marred by that one inexcusable act! All the while, the little voice in his head continued to mock him about how he had hurt her…… his 'friend', his companion, his……

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut momentarily as his head jerked to one side with loathing. What could he ever call her now?

He tried to excuse himself for the laughter and joking, because he hadn't realized that she was hurt at that time. He tried to excuse his claws for cutting her, because she had been the one to pull away before he could safely lift them up from her, too. But then…he should have been concerned if she was hurt first, before the laughter, and if he had released her when he heard the word, or at least felt the tug, she wouldn't have cut herself either. He understood why she couldn't wait to extract herself from him. She couldn't lay there hurting like she was any longer, bleeding like she was.

What he couldn't understand was that he had tightened his grasp upon her at that moment, almost as if to deliberately pull her down with him.

Is that what he did? Did he mean to take her down with him? Had he subconsciously wanted her to get hurt?

He swore to protect her. Even at the cost of his own life, he would do all he could to keep her out of harms way. Yet, within an instant, he destroyed that vow, and it wasn't that he had failed against some unknown monster either. He had failed her against himself! He made his word a lie!

With a sudden rush of energy, wanting to strike out at himself more than at anything else, InuYasha growled furiously and jumped up into the air. There wasn't much else to appease that need than what was there around him, and with a partial body spin, slashing with his claws, he destroyed the first thing at hand.

Poor tree didn't have a chance, standing there as it was. It's tall stature gave way to its wound and began to topple over, but InuYasha wasn't finished there. He struck out again and again, tearing into the still falling tree, splintering the wood. Branches, leaves, and pieces of the trunk and bark flew in a scattered disarray on the ground. He landed amidst the destruction; it hadn't helped. Now, he also felt a defeated loss.

The hanyou flung himself away, only to come to rest where he was now. But before he drew himself into the position he was presently in, InuYasha had landed on all fours with a conflict of emotions still struggling within him, which finally released in a pitiful howl of pain and regret.

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InuYasha raised his head a bit. Only enough that his chin rested against his knees and his mouth was pressed against the side of his forearm. He stared out across the darkening water. Simultaneously, Kagome leaned heavily against the trunk of the tree where she was at, holding a freshly cooled cloth against her face. Her eyes trained upon the encroaching shadows streaking the distant mountains before her.

Each were in their own thoughts.

'Kagome,…'

'InuYasha,…'

'I wish that you could hear me.'

'I wish that you could hear me.'

'I wish that you were here with me so that I could be with you.'

'I wish that you were here with me and let me be with you.'

'But I'm afraid.'

'You don't need to be afraid.'

'I don't know how to tell you.'

'You don't need to say anything.'

'I want to tell you that I'm sorry.'

'I already know that you are sorry; I seen it in your eyes.'

'I want you to forgive me.'

'I want to let you know I forgive you, but can you ever me?'

'I didn't mean to pull you down.'

'I know you didn't mean to pull me down.'

'I know that I'm to blame.'

'I don't blame you for what happened.'

'It was my fault that you were hurt.'

'It was an accident that I got hurt.'

'How can you ever look at me again for what I did?'

'How can I ever look at you again for what I've come to realize?'

'How can you ever want to be near me again?'

'How I wish I could be near you now.'

'I wish I could take you in my arms and hold you close against me…'

'I wish that you would take me in your arms so that I could lay close against you…'

'…and let you know that I wouldn't hurt you.'

'…because I know that you won't hurt me.'

'My chest hurts so bad, knowing what I did. It's hard to breathe.'

'My heart aches so much, knowing that you're hurting.'

'I need you to still want me to be with you.'

'I still want to be with you.'

'Gods, I'm so sorry, Kagome!'

'I'm sorry, too, InuYasha.'

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NOTE: Before comments are made, please be aware again that I said this story was taken from the one I'm writing, "Same Thing, Different Time", because I didn't know IF I'd get this far with it or IF I'd even use it. So there are going to be differences from the original story of INUYASHA. One of those being in Kagome's thoughts, which she doesn't mention about him getting hurt by things falling on him when she's 'sat' him other times. I didn't/haven't gotten around to something like that happening in my story so that's why it's not in this one. I was going to try to add it anyway, but it took me off from the flow I wanted so it was removed. So this piece reads as it is. But if you wish to use the original story of INUYASHA as a setting for this piece, by all means do, just excuse me for the oversight.

But, alas again, I hope that this second chapter does the first justice, so what did you think about this one? I hope their thoughts weren't too lame.