InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 6: Shameless ❯ Just a Kid ( Chapter 22 )

~~Chapter 22~~

~Just a Kid~

 

 

 

“Wait . . . you left . . . because you thought . . .?” Trailing off with a grimace, Gavin couldn't help the completely stricken expression on his face. Stomach tied in angry knots, unable to comprehend the idea that what he'd believed for so long was so obviously not the case at all. “But . . . I never . . . Shelly wasn't—”

 

Jillian flinched. “Why did you think I ran away, Gavin?” She shook her head slowly, miserably. “I never would have left you otherwise, you know,” she whispered, shoulders slumping. “I saw you . . . I saw you . . .”

 

“N-n-n-no!” he insisted, grabbing her hand before she moved away from him. “Jilli, no!”

 

“I know what I saw, Gavin!” She gulped and closed her eyes for a moment as though she were trying to gain control over her flaring emotions. “I know what I saw,” she repeated quietly.

 

“I-I-I . . . it wasn't what you thought you saw,” he mumbled. Cheeks darkening to crimson, he couldn't meet her gaze. He couldn't stand to see the pain in her pale blue eyes. He couldn't stand the aching surge in her youki.

 

Closing her eyes, she buried her face on her raised knees and smashed her hands over her ears, and he grimaced. She didn't do that often, but whenever she did, it meant that she really wasn't going to listen to anything anyone had to say. “I saw you!” she said, her voice little more than a whisper and muted by her legs. “I don't want to talk about it . . . I just don't want to talk about it.”

 

And he could understand that, couldn't he? Things that hurt her once had the power to hurt her time and again, every time she thought about those things. He needed her to understand, didn't he? He needed her to know. “Jilli,” he began, hesitantly reaching out to stroke her back in a clumsy, jerky fashion. “I . . . I thought you'd gotten bored with me,” he admitted. “I thought . . . Jilli . . .”

 

“Bored?” she echoed, her tone rising in pitch to a high-pitched squeak. “Bored?”

 

He forced himself to nod as the sickened feeling in his stomach churned worse. “I'm . . . sorry . . .”

 

She moved so quickly that he gasped in surprise. Whipping around on her knees, she grabbed his face between her hands, smashing her mouth against his in a fluid motion that took his breath away. The earth quivered below him; the rise of passion simmering below the surface of her actions melted away any fleeting protest he might have otherwise come up with. As though the pain that the memories rekindled was dictating her actions, she kissed him for all she was worth, slinging one leg over his to straddle him, to force him back, and somewhere in his Jillian-clouded mind, he understood. She needed to touch him, needed to reassure herself that he was there with her; that he wasn't going to push her away, and as desperately as he wanted to tell her that the things she'd thought were untrue, the need to give her whatever reassurance he could offer far outweighed the base desire to make her understand.

 

Slipping his arms around her, he pulled her down, closer to him. She whimpered softly—he could discern the hint of lingering tears. The smell dug at him, goaded him, and he tightened his hold on her. The warmth of her lips was a heady thing. The rush of her youkai stroking his was just a little more than he could bear. Everything he'd ever wanted to be; everything he'd ever dreamed was wrapped up in her. Her hands dug in tight around fistfuls of his shirt, and she held to him as though she would be lost if she had to let go.

 

With a ragged groan, Gavin let his hand trail up her back to sink into her hair. She felt so very perfect to him. The scent of her tears subsided, only to be replaced by a more wanton wash of something thicker, far more intoxicating. His body responded to hers, igniting in a painful swelling; in an ache that rivaled anything he'd ever felt before. The heat of her body wrapped around him as she flicked her tongue along his lower lip. He returned the gesture, the desire to taste her almost overwhelming him. She melted against him with a sigh, her heart thumping against his chest in a harsh, grasping cadence.

 

Grazing teeth against the softest flesh of her lips elicited a weakened sigh, and she let go of his shirt in favor of slipping her hands around his neck. Reveling in the touch of her body against his, Gavin could feel the gentle shift of the breeze in the beauty of the summer afternoon.

 

She tasted sweet, so very alive; so vibrant, so precious to him that the idea of losing her frightened him more than he wanted to consider. He needed her near him; wanted to be with her, and maybe—maybe—he could believe that she wanted that, too . . .

 

Jillian dragged her mouth away, trailing kisses all over his face. Closing his eyes, rubbing her back, Gavin uttered a soft moan, a ragged chuckle. She cuddled against his chest, nudging her head under his chin. “I'd never get bored with you,” she said quietly, her voice thick with emotion.

 

“Jilli, it wasn't what you thought,” he said.

 

She stiffened against him, and he grimaced. “I don't want to talk about that right now, Gavvie,” she told him. “Please.”

 

“But—”

 

She pushed herself up far enough to peer down at him as she smashed her finger against his lips. “It's in the past, right?” she said, a hint of panic tingeing her voice.

 

He didn't want to let it drop. He had to make her understand. Staring into her eyes, though, silenced him on the matter, at least for now. Being forced to talk about their separation was as painful to her as it was to him, wasn't it? And worse, because she'd honestly believed that there had been another girl . . .

 

In the end, he heaved a sigh but didn't press the issue. He'd tell her later, when she wasn't so agitated. Trying to make her listen now wouldn't work. She never listened when she was that upset over things.

 

`There'll be time enough to tell her,' he thought with a sheepish little grin. Besides . . . he really needed to think about a few things. He had to figure out just how this whole thing worked. Gavin yawned. Remembering absently that he hadn't slept at all the night before, he forced his eyes open then chuckled. There was just something about having Jillian close made him feel too damn good to credit . . . For now, though . . .

 

Jillian's breathing evened out as she relaxed in his arms. She was sleeping, and as he stared up at the lengthening shadows of the early afternoon sky, he felt the absolute lethargy of drowsiness seep into his very bones.

 

 

-OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO-

 

 

Gavin glanced down at the sleeping woman cuddled against his chest with a thoughtful smile. They'd ended up napping in the shade of the trees all afternoon, and no sooner had they started back for the ranch after another bout of mind-boggling kissing than Jillian fell right back to sleep again after he'd finally managed to coax her onto the horse for the return trip.

 

`You ready to admit it now, Gavvie?' his youkai piped up.

 

He made a face. It had been suspiciously quiet all day. He figured it was about time for the nosy voice to talk. `Admit what?' he countered, unable to control the perverse desire to needle his youkai voice just a little.

 

`Oh, ha ha . . . you know what I'm talking about.'

 

Yes, he supposed he did . . . Casting a glance at the sleeping woman cuddled against him, Gavin smiled.

 

`She . . . she didn't get bored of being with me . . .'

 

The little smile on his face widened as he considered that. He'd believed that for so long . . . it was difficult to understand that he didn't really have that to worry about anymore. Sure, she was a supermodel, but he had to admit that the biggest concern he'd had was that she simply wouldn't want to be with him because she'd eventually get bored, as he'd thought she'd done once before.

 

True enough, he wouldn't ever be comfortable enough to even try to do the things she normally did. Attending red-carpet events and rubbing elbows with the rich and famous wasn't something he'd ever be able to do, and he knew it . . . but maybe . . . maybe she didn't really care if he couldn't do things like that. She took Evan with her from time to time, and sometimes he'd talk her into going with him. Evan thought it was hilarious that people didn't realize that the two were brother and sister, and it always amused Jillian when she'd read somewhere that her impending wedding to rocker Zel Roka was imminent.

 

Still, he wanted to do thing right with her—things he hadn't gotten right yet. She deserved to be taken on dates, deserved to be courted the old-fashioned way. He could do that for her, couldn't he? Another stolen glance strengthened his resolve. `Yeah,' he thought as he pushed her hair out of her face and ran his knuckles along her cheek. `I can . . . do that . . .'

 

`You need to tell her, Gavin . . . you need to explain things to her.'

 

Gavin nodded sagely, lifting his gaze to scan the trail that was thick with evening's falling shadows, and he sighed. He did need to explain everything to her. As much as she said she forgave him, he hated that she'd think for even a second that there had been someone else. There hadn't been. There never was.

 

Shelly . . .

 

He sighed. Shelly Stanhope was the daughter of Gavin's advanced calculus professor, and Gavin had started tutoring her shortly after he'd transferred to the University of Maine. He'd never mentioned her to Jillian because there wasn't anything to tell her. It was just a job that had come in handy to supply him with spending money. Sure, his parents sent him a monthly allowance, but Gavin liked the idea that he worked, too. He used the money that his parents sent to pay for basic necessities like food and clothes. He'd saved his earnings to spend on Jillian . . .

 

He'd let his mind rule his heart for so very long. Unable to allow himself to love her completely, telling himself that he was doing it for her . . . perhaps it was true, at least at the time. So afraid of seeing her make a mistake that she'd regret later just because he desperately wanted it to be so . . . it was something that he just couldn't do. Coming to terms with the idea that he had been wrong all these years had taken away part of the fear, surely. Still, he couldn't quite shake the worry that she really would wake up one morning and stare at him with something akin to horror on her face; horror that she'd ended up with the wrong guy, after all . . .

 

`That . . . that's not true, is it?' he asked himself as he tried to brush off the nagging thought.

 

`It might be true if you keep thinking it. Ever heard the saying, `You make your own destiny'? There's a measure of truth in that, don't you think?'

 

Gavin grimaced but had to concede that logic. `You make your own destiny . . .' he repeated in his head. `Maybe I do . . . or maybe . . .' he trailed off, adjusting Jillian slightly to make her more comfortable. `Maybe I can, in a completely different way . . .'

 

Maybe . . . maybe he could make his own destiny by accepting the idea that Jillian really did want to be with him—just with him. The idea both thrilled and frightened him. That was all he'd ever really wanted, after all, and yet . . . and yet the idea that she would really love a guy like him . . . Why was that so difficult for him to believe?

 

`Because,' he thought idly as the horse rounded the curve in the path that led to the stable, `she's so . . . beautiful . . . because everyone wants her . . . Why in the world would she want a geek like me?'

 

Why, indeed? He shook his head and reigned in the horse, stopping in front of the stable. Jillian always laughed at his computer magazines and sci-fi obsessions. She giggled when he droned on and on about the newest video game that he just couldn't wait to get his hands on. She smiled and told him to have a good time when he left to drive five hours or more to whatever sci-fi convention was in the area. He'd thought about asking her to go to one with him before, but he'd thought better of it. Jillian Zelig, the supermodel, just didn't strike him as the kind of girl who would enjoy the finer points of seeing hundreds of Luke Skywalkers or Trons running around . . . “Jilli,” he murmured, giving her a little shake that didn't wake the girl at all. He chuckled softly. Jillian could probably sleep through an earthquake, if it came down to it . . . The sudden urge to kiss her struck him, and he carefully smoothed her bangs back before leaning down to brush a kiss over her forehead.

 

“Get lost, did you?”

 

Grimacing as his face shot up in flames, he shot Hank a withering glare as he tightened his hold on Jillian reflexively. “Don't sneak up on people, Hank,” he growled.

 

Hank rolled his eyes and laughed, stepping over to hold up his arms. “Give her here so you can get down,” he said, ignoring Gavin's surly demeanor.

 

Gavin summarily ignored Hank's offer of assistance, tossing his leg over the horse's back and sliding off, lighting easily enough without disturbing Jillian at all.

 

“So where were you all day, Gavvie?” Hank asked as he stroked the horse's nose.

 

“None of your business,” Gavin grumbled. “Take care of the horse?”

 

“Sure, yeah,” Hank agreed. “Dax said something interesting.”

 

Suppressing his irritation, Gavin peered over his shoulder at the ranch foreman. “What?”

 

Hank shook his head and carefully avoided meeting Gavin's gaze. “Those coyotes were messing with the cattle again, so he tracked them into the forest behind the house.”

 

Gavin wasn't entirely certain he was going to like where this conversation was going. “And?”

 

“And he said that he smelled . . . something . . . in the forest. Said it weren't no coyotes.”

 

“Shut up, Hank,” Gavin growled.

 

“So that's why you were in the forest early this morning,” Hank went on with a snort of laughter. “Damn, Gav . . . you've got a bathroom for shit like that.”

 

Stifling the desire to growl, Gavin turned on his heel and started away again, resolved to ignore his insufferable friend, even if it killed him.

 

“Want my advice?”

 

“No,” Gavin stated flatly.

 

“Yeah, well, I'll give it to you, anyway,” Hank drawled as he sauntered over.

 

Gavin sighed. Hank would probably follow him straight into the house if he tried to ignore him.

 

“Make her your mate, Gavin. You ain't never going to find another girl like her.”

 

“You think I don't know that?”

 

Hank shrugged. “Hard telling what you know and don't know. You playin' with her ain't gonna help.”

 

“You don't know what you're talking about.”

 

“Don't I? I know damn well you weren't alone in the forest this morning. If you're not careful, she's going to slip right through your fingers, and that'd be a damn shame, don't you think?”

 

“Hank . . .”

 

“Seriously, Gavin . . . you used to come home every fall with your chin draggin' the ground because you had to leave her behind.”

 

“It's not—”

 

“—Like that. Yeah, I know. You've said that for years, too, but you know, you're being stubborn for no good reason. She—”

 

“Will you let it go, Hank? Let me handle it!” Gavin growled, his voice low despite the obvious irritation in his tone.

 

Hank shook his head stubbornly, pushing back his Stetson as he reached for the horse's reins. “Someone's got to tell you when you're being a damn fool!”

 

“Let me handle this!”

 

“Like you have so far?” Hank challenged.

 

“It's none of your business.”

 

“The hell it ain't.”

 

“How do you figure?”

 

Hank snorted. “Because I'm your friend, you stupid jackass!”

 

“Look, just leave it alone! Let me figure this out, will you? I don't want or need anyone telling me what I should do or what I should know!”

 

“Then stop screwing it up, damn it!” Hank hissed, glancing down at Jillian. Gavin did, too. She was still sleeping, which really had to be a wonder in and of itself. “She wants you,” Hank went on through clenched teeth. “God only knows why, but she does.”

 

“She doesn't know what she wants,” Gavin bit out.

 

Hank narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back and slowly shook his head. “You don't really believe that, do you?”

 

Gavin snorted. “She's never, ever known what she wanted!”

 

Hank leaned back, eyebrows shooting up to disappear in mock surprise. “And you have?”

 

“Hell, yes, I have!” Gavin shot back. “I've always known! She's just a . . .”

 

“A what?” Hank prompted.

 

Gavin shook his head. “Forget it.”

 

“A what?” Hank repeated.

 

“Drop it.”

 

“A. What?”

 

“A pup!” Gavin snarled quietly.

 

Hank rubbed his forehead with a tired hand and heaved a sigh. Taking a moment to glance at Jillian, he narrowed his eyes as he lifted his gaze to meet Gavin's once more. “Right . . . a pup. Well, then, maybe you ought to consider letting her go.”

 

That earned him a fulminating glower, and Gavin brushed past him as he headed toward the house.

 

Heaving a sigh as he turned around, using his back to push open the gate, he stepped out of the stable yard and sighed. He hadn't meant that; not at all. He hadn't thought of Jillian as a pup in years, if he ever really had, that was. Maybe it was just too soon after all the things that had been swirling around his head all day. Maybe it was nothing more than his own inability to give voice to the emotions that he wasn't sure how to handle. Hank's confrontation just wasn't very well timed, and maybe that made all the difference.

 

Shifting Jillian's weight to one arm as he strode up the steps onto the porch, he opened the front door and closed it quietly, ignoring the blinking light on the answering machine as he strode through the living room and headed for the stairs.

 

Jillian didn't stir when he laid her on the bed and sank down on the edge to kick off his boots, dragging a weary hand over his face.

 

Maybe it was habit. He'd spent so long being defensive around Hank, especially when the subject of Jillian Zelig came up, that it was almost second nature for him to deny everything Hank said. He certainly hadn't meant any of it. The acute embarrassment at being caught in one of those moments that he'd much rather have kept between Jillian and himself had manifested itself in his terse replies and denials, especially after Hank mentioned knowing about what happened in the woods . . .

 

It was just too new to him; too strange. Gavin wasn't good at doing this sort of thing. Heck, he'd never really had a girlfriend before . . . not that his discomfort was a good reason for his stupid reaction, but still . . . Maybe when he got better accustomed to everything . . . if he could stop being so pessimistic about Jillian's feelings toward him . . . maybe then he could stop feeling so damn inadequate every time someone implied that there was more to their relationship than he was admitting. As much as he wanted to believe her, that small part of him kept whispering that he just didn't deserve Jillian Zelig. He hated that feeling; despised the idea that no matter what he did, he'd never be quite good enough for her.

 

`Give me some time, Jilli,' he thought as he turned and gazed at her in the darkness. She lay curled on her side where he'd put her, and he reached out to untie her shoes. `Give me some time to figure this out in my head . . . Give me some time to deserve you . . .'

 

 

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A/N:

 

Luke Skywalker belongs to George Lucas. Tronbelongs to Walt Disney Pictures.

 

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Final Thought fromGavin:

…She didn't get bored with me …?

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Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Shameless): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~