InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Recollections ❯ One-Shot

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: Inuyasha is property of Rumiko Takahashi.

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Recollections
By Lacrymosa

"Sadness is always the legacy of the past;
regrets are the pains of memory."

I remember...

I remember every single moment I ever had with him. Every time he ever looked at me, I play over and over in my head. I remember how his voice would get that sharp edge whenever he snapped at me. I remember how my name sounded on his lips. He made my name sound so nice, so... unique. Like it meant a thousand things to him.

I wonder if he still remembers my name. Kagome.

I remember how my anger would feel with it flared up in my chest. An anger born of fear and irritation. He could always find a to provoke me. He always was a jerk, picking fights, being reckless and impulsive.

And I loved him for it. I can't deny it. How else can I describe the empty feeling in my soul whenever I think of him? And I have to wonder if he regrets anything. Does he? I have regrets, but not about him. My regrets are about myself. My mistakes. Things that I never told him. Things that I never did. Oh, so many things!

I remember the last time I saw him, how he looked, how I felt. I can't think of anything else. I have too many questions. Why? I have no answer. I don't know why things ended up like they did, maybe it was destiny. I hope it wasn't. Who would deserve a destiny so cruel and so meaningless?

Maybe it was meant to make me stronger.

I remember how he smelt. Like... like the ground after warm rainfall. I remember how his hands were so rough and calloused against mine. I remember how his blood looked on the ground. A deep red, almost black. Burning.

I remember the look in his eyes when I saw him for the last time. Anger, hopelessness... and something I can't name. I can identify the emotions that were hidden there, in those golden depths, but I don't want to name them. I just can't.

I remember how it felt to see his back, walking away, away from me, away from the memories that we shared together. Was it really that easy for him to abandon it all? I wish it was that easy for me. I would give anything to just forget. I can't forget. I can only remember.

I remember how it felt to feel my heart break. It's a pain so indescribable that it hurts to recall it.

And I wonder if he remembers anything at all, or if he has just forgotten me. I wonder if I hate him, hate him for leaving me. I wonder if I want him to feel the pain that I'm feeling now. I wonder if I would still love him if he ever came back. I wonder if he ever really did love me, or if it was just an illusion. A mirage, something that I only wished I was seeing. I wonder if he even knew that I loved him. If he did, would he have still left me? Was I something so unimportant to him that he could just leave without a word of good-bye, or recognition?

I don't like remembering. I don't like memories. I don't like dwelling on what is past... But maybe I've spent so much time in the past, that it's become a part of me. Maybe a part of me is still there, a part of me that I can't ever get back.

Maybe that's why I feel so empty. So broken.

I just wish I could forget everything. Then I could at least go on. If I could, I would tear out my heart and remove every single piece that still grieves for him, even if it meant for me to remove it completely. I really would. Even complete emptiness would be better then feeling so alone and abandoned. I would rather feel nothing than the sorrow and regret that I feel now. When did I become so bitter? It's all his fault, but no matter how much I search inside myself, I can't find any shred of hate for him. I miss him. My heart bleeds for him.

But not all my memories are about him. I remember the wild nights in the past, the shining of stars through the trees, with no city lights the hide them away. I remember a demon slayer, a monk, a kitsune.

I remember a hanyou.

I remember a dead priestess. His past. And I remember myself. Her reincarnation. Whenever I remember myself, it's like I'm thinking of a different person. She was different. I'm different. We're not the same person anymore.

I remember a jewel so powerful that even the gods coveted it.

I remember a youkai who almost succeeded in getting that power. It makes me shudder to think what would have happened if he had.

I remember hundreds of people, but I can't recall their faces, or even their names.

I remember remembering. I remember wanting to remember things that I have forgotten. I remember existing. So many things that I remember, but they don't do me any good. If my soul was to be laid out bare before me, would it be just a jumble of memories? Is that all that I am, just memories? Memories of a time long past, a time that I can never return to?

And I know that no matter what, I can't get rid of them. The memories run deep, so deep, all the way into the mallow of my bones.

I remember what it was like to feel loved. Not the kind of love that you feel from parents, from family. This love is different, it tastes different. But now it's just a memory. Something I can't get back. But I wan't it back so badly.

And I think: did he take a piece of myself when he left? Might it be possible that I'm with him still? Even after so long, can he still remember the things that I remember? Those nights when we felt that the moment would last forever? Those nights when he took me in his arms and made me his own? Does he remember? If so, does he want to forget, like me?

I want to forget everything so badly. But I can't. I can only remember.

I remember you, Inuyasha.

I remember...