InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Reflection and Perception: When I Fall ❯ Chapter 1

Reflection and Perception:

When I Fall

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or this song. Inuyasha: A Feudal Fairytale is a copyright of Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan, Viz Comics, and Yomiuri Sunrise Television. “When I Fall” is a song by the Barenaked Ladies off the CD Born on a Pirate Ship. Reflection and Perception: When I Fall is my property.

 

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Note: The focus of this story is not the plot but rather the emotions. This is told from the viewpoints of Inuyasha, Kagome, and Kikyo. It's thoughts and self-realizations of each character. The plot switches between characters and is jumpy on purpose. {`…' means thought, “…” means speech}.

 

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I look straight in the window, try not to look below.

 

Kagome looked down into the well; the magical bone eating well that became a window to the past… and to her future. Once again she prepared to jump into the Sengoku Jidai, she'd gotten used to living in that era with Inuyasha.

 

The thought of being greeted by Inuyasha warmed her heart. She wondered if he was waiting for her near the well. His ears usually perked up whenever she climbed out of the well. He would greet her casual and normal not trying to show how much he missed her, but she could always tell he was relieved when she returned.

 

`I guess I just have to dive right in.' Without looking Kagome jumped into the depths of the aged well.

 

The sun was low on the horizon. Colors began to deepen in the sky. It was warm and a smooth breeze swayed the forest slightly. High up in a tree, relaxing on a limb, sat Inuyasha braced against the bark.

 

Alone in the clearing stood the bone eating well. Vegetation grew around the edges. The wood would need to be replaced soon; it was old and would begin rotting. `That well is a link to Kagome's time, a window to her world.'

 

Inuyasha knew he missed Kagome. He was able to admit it to himself, but telling Kagome was another matter. `Oh, Kagome, stay with me… I want you to be here with me.' He looked towards the ancient well, and his ears lowered. `It's just an empty well.' He went back to self-reflections trying not to look towards the aged well desperately. He wondered what their future would bring. `One day will she disappear down the well forever?' Inuyasha couldn't imagine life without Kagome anymore, she completed him.

 

Inuyasha sniffed the air hoping to catch a whiff of returning Kagome.

 

Pretend I'm not up here, try counting sheep.

 

Inuyasha, fur on edge, tried to relax. `I know that smell! There's no mistaking that scent… Kikyo. What are you doing here', he thought. He couldn't ignore it; he'd go see her. Inuyasha forgot about waiting for Kagome.

 

Kikyo moved among the high grass. Her shinidamachuu trailed along her, a couple returned with the fresh souls of deceased young ladies. She paused to collect them. The lights of the souls glowed and melded into her body; if they had voices one would hear them scream in horror, how awful to be used as energy and disappear into nothingness. These lost souls would never have a chance at reincarnation. Kikyo was beyond caring about that anymore, surely it was better than her fate.

 

`The dead are never meant to be among the living. Existing in the world of the living means pretending I'm not here. I can never rest, not until I drag Inuyasha to hell with me. I'll wait forever if needs be, death no longer concerns me; I have time.'

 

But the sheep seem to shower off this office tower

Nine-point-eight straight down I can't stop my knees.

 

Inuyasha forgot about waiting for Kagome. He stood, smelled Kikyo's fragrance again and leaped down. With hesitation he moved towards where he perceived her scent to originate from.

 

He ran through the trees feet barely touching the ground. `Kikyo why can't you rest in peace, I'll kill Naraku for you. Naraku was the one who betrayed us. Your soul needs to return to…' With hurt in his heart and Kikyo on the mind he continued. No spare thought for another woman entered his head. As much as it pained him, he had to see Kikyo again. `The tragic miko that I keep colliding with.' Yet he was unable to stop himself.

 

Kagome landed inside the well. The ground formed beneath her and she felt the dirt below. She looked up past the stone walls for a sign of Inuyasha at the edge. None. She grabbed onto vines and proceeded to crawl up the edifice.

 

The sun was sinking, as was a pit in her stomach for some unknown reason. Something felt wrong. Looking around she found it; a shinidamachuu glided into the trees clutching a forlorn soul. `So, Kikyo's near.' Pain tugged at her heart, `Inuyasha must have gone to her.' Shakily she got up and followed the shinidamachuu. She couldn't help herself.

 

`I'm not part of this world anymore. Time has stopped for me, but it has not for Inuyasha.' Kikyo felt angst and love for Inuyasha and in a dark spot inside her, deep hatred. The unchanging flower became cold. `I know I'll never have you in life but I will take you in death.'

 

`Has that woman healed his heart?'

 

I wish I could fly

From this building

From this wall

And if I should try

Would you catch me if I fall?

 

`It doesn't matter if my reincarnation softened and healed Inuyasha's heart. He belongs to me, I've seen to that.' Unchanging love and death. `Has his love changed?'

 

Inuyasha quickened pace as the smell grew in strength. `Kikyo you're here.' He saw the shinidamachuu before he saw her. They flowed around her as cascading water around a waterfall. Fluid movements hid how dangerous they really were. Kikyo ever graceful moved enough to glance at Inuyasha.

 

“Kikyo” he breathed. She returned his soft look with flat, cold, dead eyes. Inuyasha felt chills dance up and down his spine. He forced himself to walk towards her. Kikyo moved away from him icily. His ears sunk but he tried again.

 

“What do you want?” Kikyo demanded.

 

Her cold demeanor told him to leave but he ignored it. “Kikyo, why are you here? Do you need my protection?”

 

She laughed, “You protect me. How ridiculous.” After a moment she continued, “What I do is my own business. The only place where you are concerned is when I will take you to hell.”

 

Heart pounding Kagome trailed behind the shinidamachuu. She sensed a jewel shard and knew Kikyo must have one. `What will I do when I get there', she pondered too scared to know the answer. `I know Inuyasha loves Kikyo, I accept that; still it hurts so much. I too want to be with Inuyasha and I want him to live and be happy.' Kagome felt as though the world was crashing down on her. `Would Inuyasha have any need of me once the jewel is complete? Would he miss me if I left?' The black hole in her heart grew and consumed her.

 

Inuyasha jumped forward and embraced Kikyo. She was stiff in the hold not returning it. He didn't care. “Don't say that.” he intoned softly.

 

Kagome came to the edge of the clearing.

 

“I love you Kikyo,” said Inuyasha.

 

My hands clench the

squeegee, my secular rosary

Hang on to your wallet, hang

on to your rings.

 

Inuyasha pulled Kikyo closer in the embrace. “Don't ever say that again. That can't be how you feel for me.”

 

Kagome just clenched onto her backpack. The leather was rough against her skin, she didn't notice. Kagome gripped so hard her knuckles became white. Her nails clawed into her flesh and she bled a little. Kagome felt the jewel shards react. She loosened one hand and tightly grasped the shards at her heart.

 

I can't look below me, or

something might throw me

I curse at the windstorms

that October brings.

 

Kagome turned around and sunk to the ground against a tree. She was hidden from view of the clearing. `It hurts so much!' She squeezed her eyes shut. The battle in her soul raged, no victory in sight. `Inuyasha, am I but a thorn? Maybe it would be easier if Kikyo and I traded places, I would be dead and Kikyo could be alive with Inuyasha again. I can't compete with her; after all, I'm still alive.' Given the chance Kagome too would die for Inuyasha, but that wasn't the point.

 

Kikyo pushed Inuyasha away. “You fool! How can you know what is in my heart? Things are different now. I'm free… free to hate. But you will always love me.” She moved towards him with dark intent in her eyes. “Die Inuyasha.” She began sending him to hell. He jumped out and gripped her again in a hug. He clutched her. She kept lashing at his soul. The storm raged within him.

 

Another woman appeared in Inuyasha's mind. `She looks just like Kikyo; no… she's different; kinder, gentler. Am I supposed to protect her? A new fate?' The woman in his mind turned about.

 

`Kagome!'

 

“Kikyo, you must rest in peace. You need to return to Kagome and complete her soul,” said Inuyasha gently trying to make what he stated hurt less.

 

“You want me to die Inuyasha?” Kikyo said surprised.

 

I look straight in the boardroom; a

modern pharaoh's tomb

I'd gladly swap places, if they care to dive

They're lined up at the window, peer down into

limbo

They're frightened of jumping, in case they survive.

 

Kagome stood up. Slowly she twirled around; she couldn't help but watch. No matter how heart wrenching it was she became transfixed on Inuyasha and Kikyo. They were only a few feet from her, `so close yet so far'. She was shattered.

 

“Kikyo, I'll always love you.” repeated Inuyasha. `How far will this vow of love take me? Could I bear her death again? Things are different now.' He looked longingly into her eyes. Kikyo's eyes held no warmth.

 

Looking into Kikyo's eyes Inuyasha felt darkness embrace him. He welcomed it. He saw his own death in the depths of her orbs. He shivered, `where did all this evil come from?' He breathed in smelling ashes and grave dirt. `Not human but not youkai either. Would I be able to spend eternity with this twisted evil; unchanging love contorted into pooling hatred.' He shuddered at the thought.

 

`Inuyasha, why do you do this? Clearly you are afraid', Kikyo thought.

 

I wish I could step from this scaffold

Onto soft green pastures, shopping

malls, or bed

With my family and my pastor and my

grandfather who's

Dead.

 

Kagome's heart sank. She wanted to reach out and hold Inuyasha; she wanted him all to herself. `If only… no', she was but a faint shadow to Kikyo, the pale comparison of a reincarnation of miko Kikyo.

 

`Will you find acceptance in hell Kikyo', wondered Inuyasha. `Will I finally be at peace? It seems so easy to be sucked into the void with her.'

 

`In hell would I be seduced and become the youkai that is within me, a cold killing beast that doesn't even know myself. Surely my soul will be devoured for eternity. Is this the price we pay because of Naraku… or is it because of our own mistrust?'

 

`Kaede, you are wrong. I will find peace dragging Inuyasha to hell with me. He is the only thing that I can latch my hatred onto.'

 

I wish I could fly

From this building

From this wall

And if I should try

Would you catch me if I fall?

 

Inuyasha hopeless held onto Kikyo's cold body. `This body is only an imitation; ashes and grave dirt hold no human warmth or softness.' He was willing to go to hell with her but something kept nagging at the edge of consciousness.

 

`I keep forgetting something that I am supposed to do right now. A duty to fulfill. No, something else more important.' Kikyo was overcoming Inuyasha's consciousness.

 

Kikyo grabbed an arrow. `Die with me Inuyasha!' She positioned it in her hand ready to strike his heart.

 

Kagome shifted getting ready to run back to the well. `Will the well be my window away, a place to seek refuge? No, I could never have refuge from my heart. It's too much to see Inuyasha love Kikyo so openly. He never does that with me. Inuyasha does have one strong trait in common with dogs, loyalty.' With her world crashing around her Kagome felt tears swell up in her eyes. `I won't cry, not now, not here!'

 

Kagome didn't notice Kikyo readying the arrow at Inuyasha's heart. For her own was already pierced and bleeding.

 

Look straight in the mirror, watch it come clearer

I look like a painter, behind all the grease

But painting's creating, and I'm just erasing

A crystal-clear canvas is my masterpiece.

 

Inuyasha heard dirt crunching on the ground. He sucked in a deep breath and got a heady fragrance gently mixed with a hint of jasmine. `That scent smells good', he thought, a smile tugged at the edge of his lips. He sniffed again. Inuyasha's ears perked and the blurriness in the back of his mind became screamingly clear.

 

`Kagome!'

 

Now completely conscious again he realized Kagome was near. He cocked his head and saw her just in the trees. He let go of Kikyo and turned to face Kagome clearly shocked.

 

Kagome just stared ahead when she realized Inuyasha saw her. His eyes unnerved her. `Am I just useful for finding shards', her mind questioned.

 

Kikyo lowered the arrow. Turning Kikyo glared at Kagome. `Why did you ruin this', she thought upset.

 

Kagome was scared by the way Inuyasha looked at her. `He's made up his mind; he has the realization all over his face! Guess it wasn't me after all. I knew it wouldn't be but seeing it hurts so much!'

 

Long silence separated them.

 

`I'm supposed to protect Kagome', realized Inuyasha. `Has the red string of fate tied us together? I understand now.' Calmness overtook Inuyasha with the revelation. `I love you Kagome.'

 

I wish I could fly

From this building

From this wall

And if I should try

Would you catch me if I fall?

 

Kikyo clearly saw that Inuyasha cared for… loved Kagome. `Your heart has changed after all.' Somewhere deep inside Kikyo felt pain and sorrow but she twisted it to add to her hatred. Bellflower of unchanging love.

 

Inuyasha slowly began to move towards Kagome.

 

Kagome gasped and dropped her backpack. A tear slid down her cheek.

 

When I fall

 

`Inuyasha love's Kikyo and will die with her!' Kagome shuddered in pain. She turned and ran away tracing her steps back towards the well. The tears flowed effortless now. She was shattered, her soul spinning towards oblivion.

 

When I fall

 

Thinking more clearly Inuyasha recalled that Kagome saw Kikyo and him together. `All Kagome probably knows is that I love Kikyo, she hasn't a clue how I feel about her.' His fuzzy white ears drooped. `I wasn't there for Kagome when she needed me. She's deeply hurt… by me.'

 

When I fall

 

`No! Inuyasha you were supposed to be mine. I am unfulfilled! My empty soul yearns for you. I'll never have peace till you're with me. If I die again now I will cease to exist. I will just become part of Kagome's soul. None of it was supposed to end this way!'

 

When I fall

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