InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Regret ❯ Regret ( Chapter 1 )

This was written for lucindathemaid in the November/December round of the LiveJournal community iy_flashfic.

 

Regret

 

She was dreaming again, drowning in painful memories that she'd tried so hard to forget. The nightmares had become less and less frequent as time passed, but when they crawled back into her conscious mind they were as vivid and as painful as ever.

 

She clung to Inuyasha's arm as they watched Sango fall apart, crouched in the indentation in the earth where the monk had lost the battle with the void in his right hand.

 

She held the jewel in her hands, whole and pure, but the injustice of it left them all feeling incomplete and empty.

 

She was at the bottom of an empty well that didn't go to the past. Loneliness swept over her in waves and in a moment of desperation she wished.

 

And Inuyasha was alone.

 

Spiders crawled out from under the bed and crept over her as she slept.

 

Kagome awoke with a start, tears streaming down her cheeks. She quickly checked the bed for spiders, and then lay as still as possible, trying not to wake the man sleeping beside her.

 

Hojo had been awake for the last twenty minutes, watching Kagome as she slept. Watching the fear and the pain flash across her features, listening to her mumble names he didn't know, and fighting the urge to shake her out of her nightmare. He knew that if he did she'd cry even harder and then be embarrassed about it later. And she always refused to tell him what the dreams were about.

 

---

 

Naraku had finally been defeated a mere three days after Miroku's death. Their thirst for revenge and their determination made the final battle seem almost easy; Naraku hadn't stood a chance.

 

After the battle they were left feeling empty. Justice had been served, but those they had lost were still gone, and nothing would change that. And now there was no one left to punish for their pain.

 

Not long after the final battle, Kagome went home and found that the well wouldn't let her back into the feudal era. She went back to school, managing to graduate with decent grades, but she'd become quiet and distant, building walls between herself and her memories, and then between herself and others. She got into college, and graduated with a degree in Japanese History. She'd searched far and wide for any sign of what had happened to Inuyasha and the others but she'd never found them.

 

Hojo just happened to go to the same college as Kagome for pre-med, and was still as taken with her as ever. He asked her out almost every weekend for a year, and she finally got tired of saying no. They'd been dating ever since, for almost three years. After they graduated and Hojo got into medical school, they moved in together.

 

Living with Kagome, Hojo discovered that there was a lot that she kept hidden. She had an old middle school uniform that she kept hanging in her closet, even though she hadn't worn it in years. When he had asked her why she'd kept it, she had shouted at him that it was none of his business, and burst into tears.

 

The bursting into tears was a frequent occurrence, as was her habit of spacing out, sometimes in the middle of a conversation. Sometimes it was difficult for Hojo to pull her back into the present.

 

And then there were the nightmares.

 

---

 

After making his lab partner repeat the directions to him for the third time and still not hearing what he'd said, Hojo resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to get any work done that day, and walked out of the lab classroom.

 

`Why won't Kagome talk to me?' he thought, remembering the way she'd brushed him off at breakfast that morning when he'd asked if she'd slept well. They'd only been living together for two months, but in that time she'd had those horrible nightmares more and more frequently, and each one seemed to get worse. Hojo was at the end of his rope. He wanted to believe that he loved her unconditionally, but things couldn't continue the way they were going.

 

That night he decided to take her out to dinner so that he could try to talk to her again.

 

It was a pleasant meal, until Hojo made an offhand remark about how often she got sick back in middle school and high school. Her eyes glazed over and the smile faded from her face. Hojo tried to regain her attention by calling her name over and over, but she still wouldn't snap out of it. Finally, exasperated, he asked her quietly, “Kagome? Who's Inuyasha?”

 

Kagome's eyes went wide and immediately filled with tears.

 

“Where did you hear that name?” she asked, wrapping her arms around herself and avoiding Hojo's eyes.

 

“It doesn't matter. Kagome, just tell me who he is, please.”

 

“It doesn't matter,” Kagome said mockingly, jaw clenched, “it's in the past.”

 

Hojo sighed heavily. “Please don't do this. Just talk to me.” Kagome didn't say anything for a moment so he tried again, quieter this time, “I'm worried about you.”

 

Kagome choked out a short laugh. “You don't understand.”

 

Hojo backed his chair away from the table and rested his face in his hands while he tried not to let his frustration bubble over. With a deep breath he said as calmly as he could, “I don't understand because you won't let me understand You won't talk to me. Kagome, I love you and I just want you to be happy.” Kagome still wouldn't meet his gaze. Her tears had stopped and it looked almost as though she wasn't listening to him anymore. He fought the urge to shake her, and shouted, “For God's sake, Kagome, why the hell won't you talk to me?”

 

Kagome's eyes suddenly met his, and a fresh wave of tears spilled over onto her already tearstained cheeks. Hojo reached out a hand in apology and realized that the people seated around them had stopped talking and were staring at them. Hojo smiled and forced a little wave in their direction before wrapping his jacket around Kagome's shoulders and whisking her out of the restaurant.

 

They were silent on the drive home.

 

When they finally made it back to their apartment, Kagome threw off Hojo's jacket and immediately retreated to the bedroom. Hojo's first instinct was to leave her alone, but he couldn't just stand there and do nothing so he followed her.

 

When he slowly opened the door to the bedroom and peeked through the crack, he saw that Kagome had buried herself under the covers, and had her back to him. She was sniffling softly.

 

“Kagome?” Hojo asked tentatively, with a small frown, “Kagome? Are you okay?” He stepped into the bedroom and sat on the bed beside her. “I'm sorry I yelled at you before.”

 

Kagome sniffled loudly and sighed. “No, I deserved it,” she said, adjusting the covers and turning back towards Hojo, “I'm sorry.”

 

“I'm just worried about you is all,” Hojo said, brushing her hair out of her face and behind her ear, “You used to be so happy and full of life, and now sometimes I feel like you're not even here. What happened to you?”

 

“I-I can't,” Kagome stuttered, pulling the covers up to her chin.

 

“Please, Kagome, just talk to me… Maybe if you talk about it you'll feel better. You need to let go of whatever it is you've been hiding all this time.” Kagome didn't say anything so he continued, “We don't need to fix everything all at once. We can do it slowly, work things through, okay?”

 

Kagome sat up with a jerk and furrowed her eyebrows. “It's not your job to `fix' me, Hojo,” she said with a scowl, “You're not my therapist, you're my boyfriend.”

 

Hojo sighed. “Fine, then. Do you want me to find you a therapist? I just want you to be happy. I want you to be that girl that I fell in love with.”

 

Kagome panicked at the thought of telling her problems to a total stranger. She could just imagine some old bespectacled man with a notebook telling her that she was insane. “No,” she said, too quickly, “No. I'm fine.”

 

“No, you're not,” Houjo said firmly, “Please, just talk to me. Who is Inuyasha?”

 

Kagome took a deep breath, avoiding Hojo's eyes. Knowing how Hojo was with making sure that she was healthy, she didn't doubt that he really would force her into therapy if she didn't talk.

 

“Inuyasha was a boy I dated in high school,” she began slowly, watching confusion bloom over Hojo's face in her peripheral vision, “He forgot me,” she said thickly.

 

“I don't understand,” Hojo said, gently turning her face towards him. She looked into his eyes and saw the love and worry and concern that overflowed. She felt like a fool for having kept this from him for so long. She felt the walls she'd been building up for years start to crumble. He deserved to know, and she was tired of holding everything back.

 

She swallowed nervously, took a deep breath, and began. “A long time ago I fell in love with a boy with golden eyes. We went through a lot together. He was everything to me. Then we watched as one of our best friends was murdered, and tried to help his girlfriend pick up the pieces.” Hojo gasped, but Kagome held up her hand to keep him from saying anything.

 

“After that he was all I had in the world and vice versa. I couldn't imagine life without him. And then I had to leave, and I didn't even get to say goodbye.” Kagome started crying, her voice thick with tears, “It hurt so much, to know that I'd never see him again, to know that I'd abandoned him, that I'd left him behind, I'd left him alone. So I made a stupid, foolish, horrible wish. I wished that he would forget me.”

 

Hojo opened his mouth again, but Kagome shook her head and continued, “And he did. He forgot me. I just know he did. And now I'm the only one who knows what we were, and who he was, and what we'd been through, and he's still alone. He's alone and he can't even remember why.” Kagome wiped her eyes with her sleeves. “And I don't know what happened to him. I think that's the worst part. I don't know where he is or if he's happy, or what he did with his life. I have this horrible feeling that he's still alone. And it's my fault. All my fault.” Kagome covered her face, and cried silently, holding her breath. She hadn't spoken of this to anyone in almost five years, and it was a relief to get it out.

 

Kagome let out the breath she'd been holding and dropped her hands helplessly into her lap. Hojo hadn't said anything, so she slowly moved her gaze up to meet his eyes. There she found sadness, understanding, a bit of lingering confusion, and above all else, love. He lifted his hands slowly and placed them on either side of her face, gently wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs.

 

“There's no way in hell he could have forgotten you,” he whispered, then pressed his lips gently to hers and pulled her into his arms. She melted into his shoulder and let herself cry until she fell asleep.

 

`So maybe everything isn't perfect,' Hojo thought, rocking Kagome gently, `but we're definitely heading in the right direction.'

 

---

 

Several years later, Kagome and Hojo were married and decided to move back into her family's shrine house. It was close to the hospital, meaning an easy commute for Hojo, and Kagome's background in history and upbringing at the shrine made it a perfect move for them.

 

And now Kagome thought she was finally ready to face the shrine again.

 

One afternoon, Kagome and Hojo spent several hours in the attic, clearing out old boxes, to make room for some of Hojo's extra belongings.

 

While searching through ancient paperwork, Hojo found something of interest.

 

“Hey, Kagome, check this out,” he said, brushing the dust off of the yellowed paper, “I think this is your family tree.” Kagome finished looking through old photographs of Souta's eleventh birthday while Hojo studied the family tree.

 

“Hey! This is weird,” Hojo suddenly shouted, jumping up and bringing the family tree over to where Kagome sat, “Look at the name here… Inuyasha.” Kagome dropped the photographs into the box in front of her and nearly ripped the paper from Hojo's hands. There it was, his name. And it was connected to other names. He'd had a family. Kagome felt her eyes beginning to fill with tears. Blinking quickly to keep her vision clear, she stared at his name for a long while before looking at the name of his wife.

 

“Sango,” she whispered, a lump forming in her throat. He'd married Sango. They'd picked their lives up and they'd had each other and they hadn't been alone. Kagome sat back and let Houjo take the paper back from her.

 

“Yeah, it looks like his wife's name was Sango. Cool, huh?” Hojo said with a smile, not looking up to see the tears now streaming down Kagome's face. “Ooh, this is creepy! Hun, look, they had a daughter, and guess what her name was?” Kagome shook her head weakly, head still reeling with the knowledge she'd just absorbed.

 

“Kagome,” said Hojo.

 

“What?”

 

“Their daughter's name was Kagome.”

 

Kagome felt as if the walls she'd so carefully constructed had just been destroyed by a rush of healing water. `He didn't forget,' she thought, almost forgetting to breathe, tears streaming down her face uninhibited. She sniffled loudly, finally gaining Hojo's attention. The amused smile on his lips quickly shifted to a worried frown.

 

“Kagome? Are you okay?” he asked, dropping the paper to take hold of her hands. Kagome smiled through her tears and laughed.

 

“Yes,” she said, drawing Hojo into a kiss, “I think I finally am.”