InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Regrets ❯ Leaving Him ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any characters related to him. That honor and privilege belong to the talented Rumiko Takahashi. I am, however, the master of my own Fate and keeper of my own Destiny. We should all be so fortunate.

A/N: Okay, I was going to wait a week or so before posting this chapter, but since the response to it has been so good, I changed my mind. Oh, don't worry. The whole story isn't written from any one character's point of view, it just needed to be this way for the first two. Next chapter is back to normal, author POV.

Regrets

Chapter Two-Leaving Him

Kagome's POV

This year has passed so slowly. Everything is different now. Nothing has been the same since that day. School just doesn't seem as important to me, but I still go, even if I don't know why. I mean, what's the point. I have been on a quest to save the world as we know it and succeeded. I have known a love so pure that it could put Romeo and Juliet to shame. And I have had my heart and soul broken by my own stubborn pride.

My friends no longer ask about that two-timing boy I had a thing for. Hojo doesn't ask me out anymore, and the other boys leave me pretty much alone. My friends say it's because they don't know how to take a girl who's always down. They can't figure out how to talk to a girl who always seems to look right through them, as if she sees another time and place. If only they knew…

They don't understand. How could they. They have never known what I've known; never found the one person they would give their life for. None of them ever shared a life altering adventure with the one being willing to sacrifice himself for them, even if, in the end, he went back to his former love. They have never had their heart and soul shattered into a million uncollectible pieces, all for the sake of the other's happiness. I envy them their unknowing.

Looking back on my memories, I realize that I am as much to blame for all of this as he is. There were so many times when I could have fought for his affection… and all I did was run away, like the coward she called me. I should never have left him. I should have stayed and found some way to prove to him that life was the better choice, that I was the better choice. All that I have now are memories, memories that haunt my nights and follow me throughout my days.

As I walk along, headed home from school, I look up as the cherry blossoms fall-and I remember. I remember his eyes, his infrequent smiles, his brusque voice, those adorable, irresistible ears, but most of all; I remember how much I love him. Yes, even after all of this time, I still love him. Not that I can ever tell him-and that is a regret that will live in my heart until the end of time. The well doesn't work anymore. It hasn't since the day that I left the Feudal Era for the last time. I remember that day, and every time I think about it, I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder if we could have worked things out; maybe he hadn't chosen Kikyo. Now I'll never know. They say that the cherry blossoms bring back memories; as they fall around me, I remember…

~Flashback-The Day I Left~

"Please, don't," I begged him. I couldn't let the one person who had become my entire world go and throw his life away. I loved him too much. I wanted him to think about what he was going to do. Selfishly, I wanted him to choose to stay with me. I wanted him to choose life. "Please, Inuyasha, don't go to her."

I knew that he had his reasons. We had been through them a lot since the Jewel was completed, and I could tell he was getting tired if this argument. He may question his love for her, but it was a matter of honor with him to see that he kept his word. Maybe that's why I didn't fight as hard as I could, because he did have doubts. Maybe I thought that he could make this choice on his own.

"I have to, Kagome. Damn it, you know that, and you know my reasons." He snapped at me. He snapped! At me! Like it was all my fault that he would rather chase after a dead woman than talk to me about our possible future; although that was a subject that he had been avoiding, as though he didn't want me to stay. Maybe he didn't. After all, I was just a substitute for his former love-a substitute for Kikyo; a shard detector. And now that the shards were all found, what use did he have for me.

"I promised her that I would see that she found peace. I have to, even if it means going with her to Hell." He said that with such conviction that it hit me like a hammer, cracking my already wounded heart. It was then that I realized, he had made his choice… and it wasn't me.

"But, I…" I trailed off. I couldn't tell him, not now. Not knowing that he didn't love me.

"…I need you," I finished softly; softly enough that, hopefully, he didn't hear me. With his hearing though, you never could tell what he heard and what he didn't. I sometimes think he ignored a lot of things. I guess, though that this time he didn't hear me, because he didn't answer. He just stood there with his back to me, looking out into the forest as though he couldn't wait to leave and go find her.

It was then that I made my decision. If he didn't want me around, then I would go. It shattered my heart to think that he would prefer to go to Hell with her, rather than stay in this world with me; but if that made him happy then so be it. After all, it was his happiness that mattered most. Wasn't it?

"Fine," I said. "If you want to throw away the rest of your life, who am I to stop you? It's obvious that she is the only one that you care about! I was a fool to think…" I stopped, sobbing. I couldn't finish that sentence out loud, but that didn't stop it from completing itself in my mind. That you could ever love me the way I love you. "Go! Go and find Kikyo! Go to Hell with her, for all I care!" I was screaming by now and I couldn't stop the tears that ran down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I wanted him to understand, and I knew that he wouldn't try.

That hurt me - and I wanted to hurt him. It was a terrible thing to feel, unworthy of the feelings I held for him, but, at that moment, my heart was breaking and I wanted him to feel my pain; yet another thing to add to the long list of regrets.

"Just know, Inuyasha that I will not be here to see it. I'm going home, and this time I will not return!" With that said, I turned on my heel, picked up my bag-and ran. I ran down the path to the well, fully expecting to hear his footsteps behind me. I knew that he could catch up to me easily, but I hoped that I had confused him enough that I could make it to the well and be gone before he could catch me.

I hadn't used the well since Naraku's defeat; hadn't been home since the Jewel was completed. I didn't even know if it would work anymore. I still had the Jewel; Inuyasha hadn't asked for it and I hadn't mentioned it to him. Hopefully, the well would send me home this one last time. Hopefully.

It hurt that I hadn't said goodbye to my friends. I would never see them again. Shippo, who was like a son to me; Sango, who had become the sister I never had; and Miroku, who, even though he was a pervert, was like an older brother to me. Even old Kaede, my mentor, the grandmother I hadn't had in a long time. I hadn't said goodbye to any of them - and I regret that now.

The worst thing was that my last words to the man I loved had been words of anger; words meant to hurt. That is a pain I will bear until I draw my last breath. It is a hole in my heart that will never heal.

I had reached the well. Out of reflex, I looked around, searching for the familiar red and silver figure that could stop me from leaving. Honestly, I had hoped that he would try to stop me. I didn't see him, so I threw my legs over the side and jumped in…only to stop, dangling in midair. I looked up and almost smiled. He had come. He was going to stop me. I had been wrong; he did have feelings for me.

But then, I realized; it was only out of habit. I run. He chases me. We meet at the well, argue without really solving anything, I "Sit" him a few times and then jump in, sometimes he followed. That was our pattern; how it always went, but I was tired of it. I started to tell him just that when I heard him softly say to me what I had said to him -"Please, don't."

That made me angry. Very angry. Irrationally angry. Here I had tried to stand by him all this time, following him when most wouldn't have. I had loved him when it was obvious to everyone that he didn't love me; accepted him as no one else ever had before. And he thought that I would stay with just those two words; two words that I had used to try to get him to think. I might have stayed, if he had continued. If he had said that he loved me - that he wasn't going to go and find her. I would have thrown myself into his arms and never left, never let go. But he didn't. He just looked at me with those beautiful golden eyes, and didn't say a word.

"Put! Me! Down! I told you, I'm going and you can't stop me." It was true, it only took one word. I would never admit it to him, but I didn't like to say it very often. You shouldn't hurt the one you love.

I tried to stay angry, but I could feel my expression soften as I looked into those eyes. "Please, Inuyasha, don't make this any harder than it already is. I-I'm letting you go. Please, do the same for me."

I could see the hurt in his eyes and the pain. Hurt and pain that I had put there. That hurt was transferred into action when he dropped me onto the ground by the well. "Fine, then. Go. I won't stop you." Then he turned his back on me and I felt my whole world crumble to dust.

I stood up and reached out to him. It was a useless gesture, but I made it anyway. Then I turned, sobbing, and jumped into the well. As the spell swirled around me, I uttered the last words that I would ever say to him, words that I hadn't had the guts to say to his face, "I loved you, Inuyasha."

I found myself back in the well house on the shrine grounds. I don't know how long I sat at the bottom of the well, crying my heart out. When I finally realized where I was, I pulled myself out of the well and ran into the house and up to my room. I dropped my bag on the floor and threw myself on my bed - and I couldn't stop crying. I cried because my heart was broken and my soul felt like it had been shredded by the claws of the very person I wanted most to forget. The one I wanted most to love me, who never would. My mother came in and tried to console me, but not even her kind words could soothe the ache in my heart, the pain in my soul. The love of my life did not love me and I would never be the same again.

~End Flashback~

It was several days before I finally stopped crying enough to even come downstairs and face my family. It took several more before I could tell them what had happened. I think that Souta took it the hardest of them. Inuyasha was his hero, after all. I didn't go back to school for a few more weeks and this time I really was sick. Although, I don't think they consider being heartsick a valid excuse.

I realize now, with the wisdom imparted by hindsight, that I probably should have stayed and tried to talk to him; tried to work things out. He had come to the well for a reason. It's only now that I realize it wasn't habit that made him chase me. There was so much that hadn't been said. So much that should have been said, even if it hurt to say it.

I wonder sometimes what he is doing now, if he thinks about me at all. Every day I go to the well house and spend hours thinking about him as the world goes on around me. Somehow I feel closer to him when I'm there, as though he were just out of reach.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I should use the Jewel and wish to be with him. I can't. That wish was promised to him. You see, I have my honor, too.

Damn stubborn pride. I guess a broken heart can do that. Make you crazy with grief. Let you make stupid mistakes. Mistakes you can't change your mind about.

I've thought about trying to find him in this time, but I'm not sure which would be worse…Finding out that he didn't survive this long or finding out that he did and he didn't want to see me. After all, he knows where the shrine is and could find me easily enough. In either case, I don't think my heart could take it.

I often wonder, as I stare into the well and remember; if he's happy. If he found what he was looking for when he found Kikyo. I hope so; for his sake, I hope so. I hope that Fate will bring him joy; my heart, the other half of my soul, my Inuyasha.

Revised and edited - 8/11/03