InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Revelation, Realization & Redemption ❯ chapter 13 ( Chapter 13 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters they are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. This story was written for the purposes of entertainment and I by no means will profit from the story other than the satisfaction of exercising my imagination and writing abilities.

 

Chapter 13: Insomnia

 

 

Sesshomaru stood on his balcony looking out over his lands. But he did not see the landscape that he was so intensely proud of, nor did its beauty soothe him tonight. There were no other distractions this evening; there was no miko to look in upon, there was no barrier to check and ensure its safety, and there were no worries about what trouble her heart. Jaken wasn't here to interrupt his thoughts with obsequious flattery and mindless chatter. The imp had been given the task of watching over Rin and the miko's friends for now.

 

No, tonight he would again lose himself in a familiar circle of thought this time uninterrupted. There was nothing around that would distract the taiyoukai from the fact that he still did not know what force bound the souls within the miko. And there would be no distractions or rest until he figured out this riddle.

 

There was new information to review tonight. The conversation he had with Kagome kept running through his mind. The jewel had been inside her, reborn with the priestess Kikyo's soul. He could not understand why the jewel had remained intact, and in its true form. Kagome seemed to think it was because Kikyo was a powerful miko and the jewel had been burned with her body. It was a simple explanation really. But Sesshomaru knew it wasn't the correct answer. There was something more than that.

 

It was true that Kikyo had been a powerful miko when she was alive. She had been the miko chosen to keep the Shikon no Tama. But the jewel remained separate from her while it was in her possession. The mere act of burning the jewel with her body would not have attached it to her soul if it hadn't done so while she was alive. That meant something about her soul had to have changed in order for this to occur. But what could have changed?

 

It was impossible for her soul to have changed after her death, wasn't it? The Miko was for all intents and purposes dead, and souls could not change without life energy. Was there an incarnation of Kikyo before this one? Possible, but then Inuyasha and Kaede would have been unlikely to recognize Kagome as Kikyo's reincarnation; that in addition to the fact that Kagome had the jewel inside her which was burned with Kikyo's body.

 

It was obvious that he was still missing something. The taiyoukai was growing frustrated because he was certain the answer lay in what he already knew. But yet it eluded him. Perhaps he was looking at this wrong. Maybe it was different than he had been thinking. Maybe Kikyo had already bonded with Midoriko's soul before she died.

 

That thought he quickly dismissed. Midoriko's power had been too faint for detection when he first met the girl. That meant Midoriko's soul was only newly attached to Kikyo's when he had first encountered Kagome with his brother.

 

If Kikyo had died with part of Midoriko's soul bonded to her own, the souls should have been fused together by the life energy a soul gains when it re-enters a body through birth. The energy that held them would have been completely unnecessary and Kagome would be in full possession of Midoriko's soul the jewel wouldn't have been reborn with her, the energy contained within it would have been released into the universe. There would be no Naraku and he would not be sitting here beating his head against a wall. That theory too he discarded.

 

Sesshomaru went inside where he sat down in a favorite chair. He leaned back in frustration. He had to figure this out, Lord Hikari would be here first thing in the morning, and Sesshomaru wanted to be able to tell him more than he knew now. True he already knew more than he had when he wrote that note last night. Not that it had helped him any.

 

The fact remained no matter how much information he had been given he still did not know why, or how these partial souls were drawn to one another. Nor had he come any closer to identifying the force that bound the two together. The key to their victory depended on understanding this bond. What ever it was, that force had accomplished something that had plagued demon-kind for years.

 

This Shikon No Tama needed to be destroyed. It had the potential to end the very existence of life itself. That is why a miko with a pure heart, with no earthly wants or cares had been entrusted with its care. Many had given their lives selflessly in the process, providing enough of their purity to give Midoriko's soul strength to maintain the balance between good and evil that dwelt within the jewel. All too many had died at the hands of a foe, and the jewel retrieved and passed along to yet another miko. Who in the end would ultimately suffer the same fate. They all had died for the sake of that cursed jewel, including Kikyo.

 

The Shikon No Tama, an unnatural object of power, forged from the love of a woman to protect her sister and child from harm, had become something that those who desired more power sought. These foolish beings were plentiful and their number only seemed to increase through the years. Sesshomaru had known that it was a matter of time before one of them would succeed. One of them was close to succeeding now.

 

His father had known that the jewel had to be destroyed almost since its inception. Many had tried. Different youkai and priestesses alike through the years have tried various methods to break the seal and free the powers held within, sending them back into the universe where they belonged. But until now the jewel's encasement had been impenetrable.

 

Whatever the force was that bound the souls within Kagome had broken through that barrier and had managed to bind a part of Midoriko's soul to Kikyo's. He had to find out just what that force was if they were ever to end this. Or else they would be faced with this endless cycle that had gone on far too long. Unless Naraku succeeded, then all this would be in vain.

 

Sesshomaru leaned his head forward and touched a hand to his temple as he sighed once again. Midoriko had never intended this to happen. But at the time she had been as shortsighted as the fools who sought the jewel for their own personal gain. She had given her life for her sister's and son's. Inadvertently she had created something that could destroy everything she held dear, including the son she had died to protect.

 

Suddenly Sesshomaru sat up straight in his chair. That was it. He knew now what force bound the two souls. It was the attraction of opposites. Sesshomaru was certain he had finally come upon the answer. It was the feelings in their hearts when they died that bound the two. They were in direct contradiction to each other. Midoriko had died her heart full of unselfish love for her young son. She had given up her life so that he could have one. In contrast Kikyo had died with her heart full of hatred for Inuyasha; every fiber of her being intent on ending his life.

 

Thankfully when she died Kikyo had not made a wish on the jewel. Either she had been aware that to wish upon the jewel with such feelings in her heart would cause destruction, or possibly she had felt so betrayed and angry she couldn't bear to live. He could only guess what her reasons were. But whatever reason she chose to die, she had done so with an intense hatred in her heart for Inuyasha and a just as intense desire for his demise. That was it. The answer had been there within his grasp all along.

 

The attraction of opposites, the feelings that possessed the hearts of these two women were at complete odds with each other. That in combination with the great miko powers possessed within each of their souls allowed for this to happen. It really had been so simple, the basis of everything for which he was taught. The balances of the universe, light needing dark, hate needing love, and yet the solution had been overlooked for so long.

 

He also wondered if there were greater forces at work in all of this. Why had Madame Centipede all of a sudden attacked? If she hadn't pulled Kagome into the well the jewel would still be intact inside the girl. Her life would have gone on as normal until her 18th birthday when she would come into full possession of her miko powers. Who knew what would have happened then.

 

But if Madame Centipede hadn't forcibly pulled the jewel from Kagome's chest the force from the attraction of opposites that bound the souls together would not have pulled a piece of the soul from the jewel. Kikyo's and Midoriko's souls would not have been in direct contact and would not have truly been bound together as they are now.

 

As his mind recalled more of Kagome's story it now seemed more than just fortuitous that Kagome had a piece of Midoriko's soul, and the jewel no longer part of her body. If Madame Centipede had not ripped it from her the old hag Urasue would have certainly have succeeded in her goal. It had been that same pull that had allowed Kagome to keep part of Kikyo's soul. Without Midoriko's soul Kagome would certainly be dead, Kikyo would have been restored and the hag would have been in possession of the jewel. He cringed at the thought of what might have happened if the witch had been successful.

 

Whatever the force at work, be it coincidence, some benevolent God or Destiny, he was now more certain than ever they would need Kagome if they were to end this once and for all. Satisfied with this new knowledge, Sesshomaru went to his chambers to get some much needed rest. Lord Hikari would be there in the morning and he had much to tell him. And they had much to do. They would require the help of enemies as well as allies to finally put an end to this ancient battle.

 

Sesshomaru was not the only one to have trouble falling asleep that night. Kagome lay awake as well. But she did not ponder over the force that held the souls within her. Instead she was thinking about a pair of brothers, one full demon and one half demon and the history that there was between them.

 

Kagome had been surprised when Miroku said he had needed to speak with her and Sango. Initially it had struck her as odd, but after he told her about his suspicions and what Inuyasha had told him that afternoon, she understood all too well. Inuyasha was still troubled. His heart and spirit were plagued by far more demons of the past than just Kikyo. Kagome knew that Miroku was right, they would have to find a way to make Inuyasha understand.

 

She could only imagine what other scars his heart must have held. Her heart twisted in commiserate agony as she imagined what Inuyasha must have felt after his brother turned on him. Compassion welled within her as did anger at Sesshomaru for not protecting his brother's heart and feelings as well as his body. They were just as essential for him to live as anything else.

 

She knew then that was why it had been so easy for Inuyasha to believe Kikyo had betrayed him. Why it had been hard for him to accept her faith and trust at first? And why he couldn't accept the love and friendship offered to him by the rest of the group. In trying to protect Inuyasha Sesshomaru had damaged his soul far greater than any arrow or poison dart could have done.

 

Words came to her then. “I never said that we do not feel. We feel things more intensely than you can ever imagine, but we are able to think clearly and logically and set aside our emotions and feelings if need be, to accomplish what must be done. To show emotion is to show weakness to one's enemies, they must not know what drives you.” They were Sesshomaru's. She was more certain than ever that he lived his life by them.

 

But his brother didn't. Inuyasha was a hanyou. If his feelings were as intense as a demon's they would be hard for the human part of him to ignore and set aside. He wouldn't let the past go by just from her simply telling him what she and Miroku believed to be true. Against such emotions as fierce as the ones she was certain plagued him, words would be meaningless and empty. Turning his feelings would take much more than words. It would have to take a momentous event to bring about such an epiphany. But what could make Inuyasha understand Sesshomaru's motives?

 

Kagome doubted very much that she could bring the subject up with Sesshomaru again. The taiyoukai had made it very clear that this was something that he did not care to discuss with her. As far as he was concerned that subject had been closed. Damn Sesshomaru and his blasted pride and honor. Demons were such complicated creatures.

 

Kagome was determined when next she saw him they would talk about this. Now that she knew part of what had happened between the two of them the subject was officially open again. Kagome was determined to right this, and she was surprised at herself for wanting to do so for both their sakes.

 

Again she heard his words from earlier. “I never said that we do not feel. We feel things more intensely than you can ever imagine…”

 

Her anger died as she recalled the sadness she had felt coming from within his soul this afternoon. He had tried to conceal it from her, but as her powers grew stronger so did her perceptions of feelings. She felt how empty and hollow the loss of his brother had made him. She couldn't be angry when she knew he suffered to, even though it was done needlessly.

 

She sighed as she flung an arm over her eyes in frustration. It had been so much easier when she was able to think of Sesshomaru as Inuyasha's cold heartless older brother. Sesshomaru had been so convincing in that role.

 

The taiyoukai had made it so easy for them to believe that he wanted Inuyasha dead. There had been no question as to whether or not Sesshomaru harbored a deep desire to kill his brother. Nor did they ever believe he would succeed in doing so. Every time Inuyasha had succeeded it had served to reaffirm their belief that with Inuyasha on their side they could overcome Naraku. Somewhere deep inside each of them they had all needed to believe this. Now it was clear that they had all been so wrong, and shortsighted. They had been blinded by their emotions and did not allow themselves see what was truly happening.

 

“…we are able to think clearly and logically and set aside emotions and feelings if need be to accomplish what must be done.” She heard those words clearly in her head as if he was standing there speaking to her. Cold emotionless tones that spoke with authority and confidence did nothing to betray the depth of the truth in them.

 

She didn't realize at the time how much he had let her into his soul with that statement. Kagome's heart could only but feel what she imagined he must go through. And in its late night musings gave her mind cause to consider its case on Sesshomaru's behalf.

 

He was willing to set aside his own feelings to protect his brother's life. To set aside the pain that seeing the hatred in Inuyasha's eyes must have caused. The anguish that he must have felt knowing every time they met, his brother truly wanted him dead. But Sesshomaru had come again and again and faced his brother. She wondered if the demon harbored a hope somewhere within him that maybe Inuyasha would finally understand. She wondered if he wanted Inuyasha's forgiveness.

 

Kagome surmised that when he invoked the Brother's Vendetta, Sesshomaru must have thought Inuyasha would understand his reasons for doing so. She wondered if Inuyasha's pain had taken him by surprise. If it did, it would have been too late for Sesshomaru to change his course of action. It would have been a breach of honor to have gone back then. But now, after all these years he could have let it go. So why hang on to it?

 

Again she thought how demons were such difficult creatures to understand. Everything had been so simple when it was just the 4 of them against everyone else. How complicated everything had become now that she had some insight into the enigma that was named Sesshomaru. And she uncovered her eyes and smacked the pillow with her arm trying to find a comfortable position.

 

“Kagome” Souta said as he popped his head into her room, “mom says you better get to sleep. She wants to make sure you look healthy as grandpa's been telling everyone that you've been away for cancer treatment.”

 

“HE WHAT?!” Kagome asked heatedly as she sat up on her bed to look into the amused face of her little brother.

 

“Don't worry about it though” Souta said with laughter in his voice, “Mama took care of everything. She put her foot down with grandpa when people starting sending flowers and sympathy cards so she simply told them that grandfather simply meant another Kagome. You were away taking care of some personal things from the past, and until they were taken care of you would be here from time to time.”

 

“She told them about the well?” Kagome asked wide eyed. She could feel a headache coming on.

 

“No silly,” Souta said laughing outright now, “she simply said the past, she didn't say anything about demons, monsters or anything. Do you think she wants to be hauled off to an asylum?”

 

“No,” Kagome said as she felt some of the anxiety leave her. “I'm sorry Souta, it's just well everything's getting so weird lately.”

 

“Lately?” he said raising amused brows at her statement, “Well, you're home for a couple days. Rest and try not to think about it too much. You've got some big tests this week, and if you don't want to be graduating with me you'd better pass them.”

 

Kagome stuck her tongue out and tossed a pillow at her brother. Souta however had anticipated her and had rushed out of the room shutting the door behind him. Kagome could hear him laughing as he went to his own room. She smiled despite herself. It was nice to be home, and Souta really did care about her, even though he liked to tease her. She knew she would be lost without her little brother.

 

Kagome lay back down, closed her eyes and stifled a yawn. Thinking about Souta had made her wonder what it had been like between Sesshomaru and Inuyasha before. She wondered if Inuyasha had been a pain to Sesshomaru. She could easily imagine a younger version of Inuyasha doing everything in his power to ruffle Sesshomaru's calm demeanor. She wondered how Sesshomaru would have dealt with a younger brother like that. Would he have been affectionate? Or was he always as he was now?

 

She tried to picture Sesshomaru laughing, or even smiling, but she found she could not. Kagome wondered if Sesshomaru had ever smiled before in his life. She had caught small movements of his mouth, but she doubted they were nothing more than a muscle twitch or a figment of her imagination. She wondered what he would look like with a real smile, one that lit up his amber eyes and softened his face.

 

Her thoughts drifted then to the look in his eyes this afternoon, the tone of his voice. She shivered with an emotion she did not care to identify as she forced the memory from her mind. One traitorous thought persisted in being known, a man who could look at a woman like that was capable of tender feelings that she had only dreamt about receiving.

 

She shook her head to force the thought away. She was getting no where. Sesshomaru and Inuyasha were her main concern. Both nursed hurts and refused to let them heal. Inuyasha could not see past his own emotions to see the actions of the other for what they truly were. Sesshomaru was bound by pride, honor or some notion of duty and refused to lay it aside to help his brother see his actions for what they truly were. Couldn't Sesshomaru see that doing so would help himself? Kagome felt that Sesshomaru expected his brother to be able to understand. She knew with a certainty that Inuyasha simply hated and distrusted his brother. What could be done to breach the chasm that lay between them?

 

She yawned again and finally gave in to sleep. Exhausted and spent from a long day she closed her eyes to that last conscious thought. There would be no dreams tonight of Hojo, in fact there would be no dreams tonight at all, just the peaceful sleep that she only had when she was home in her bed.

 

Sango sighed as she stood on the porch to Kaede's hut. Rin and Shippo were finally asleep, and now her thoughts preyed upon her soul. Miroku had confided in her and Kagome earlier his previous conversation with Inuyasha. And she could not but empathize with the hanyou. She knew only too well what it was like to fight your brother thinking that he wanted to kill you. She had managed to keep the memories at bay, until she tucked in the two little ones. They had become inseparable. Watching them snuggle into each other for comfort brought to mind memories of her brother, Kohaku.

 

Her heart twisted in remembered agony and tears stung her brown eyes as that moment played before her eyes. She had seen Kohaku's scythe fly into her father's back in stunned disbelief. She remembered the anguished why that ran through her mind before her own survival instincts kicked in. Automatically she had fought her brother in vengeance and anger. Until she had noticed the vacant look in his eyes and noticed the strand of web that controlled him. Only then did she realize what she should have realized from the beginning. Kami help her she had hated her brother with an intensity she had never felt before. With every fiber of her being she had hated Kohaku for what he had done. Self loathing came then, she should have had more faith in her brother.

 

Sango blamed herself for not being stronger. If she had Kohaku wouldn't have been with them. Father had wanted Kohaku to stay behind, to wait until he was disciplined. How foolish she had been, Kohaku would have been content to stay at home. How stupid it was to have intervened, she should have realized the truth about what troubled Kohaku. It wasn't the fact that father didn't appreciate his demon slaying abilities. No it was because their father had refused to see that his only son did not have the heart or desire to be a slayer. But she had known. Sango knew she had always known, deep in her heart.

 

“Coward”, she berated herself silently. She had been such a coward; she should have protected Kohaku, even from their own father's expectations. Hadn't she always been taught that the duty of the slayer was to protect those that could not protect themselves? And she had failed her own brother.

 

Sango knew she did not want to risk losing her father's esteem. So instead she had lied to Kohaku. She had hoped that giving him confidence would help him see that deep down he really wanted to be a slayer. Sango closed her eyes trying to shut out the anger she felt at herself. She had lied to Kohaku for her sake not for his.

 

Their father had known though, that day he had no intention of bringing Kohaku along. How foolish she had been thinking she could solve everything. Arrogant and proud of her abilities Sango thought that Kohaku would be safe by her side. Together they would show father that he was a true slayer. That was how she had envisioned it, so she convinced her father to bring him along.

 

It was by her hand that Kohaku was there. If she had only let it be Kohaku wouldn't have been there. It wouldn't have been Kohaku that the demon singled out to destroy the others. She knew he would have probably died at the village. But then he wouldn't have the murder of his father and comrades on his soul. Kohaku had seen everything that he had done, and he felt the guilt even more because he had been powerless to stop it. She had seen the realization and anguish in his eyes before they collapsed.

 

She had failed Kohaku. Kami, if she could only change places with him. If he had stayed at the village it would have been her. Anguish tore through her at the thought. She should be the one controlled by Naraku, being forced to kill against her will. Not Kohaku. She was angry at herself almost as much as she was angry at Naraku for his trick. Sango felt she had been just as manipulative and it didn't matter that her intentions had been good. They were worthless now. Had she only done what she knew was right, if she had had the courage, but no she had been weak. And she berated herself once more for that weakness. It was Kohaku that suffered.

 

“Sango, what are you doing out here all alone?” Inuyasha's voice startled her from her thoughts.

 

“Just thinking.” She replied trying to keep her voice steady. She didn't want to tell anyone how she really felt.

 

“Can't you do that inside?” Inuyasha asked eyeing her warily. Something was up and he wasn't sure what to do. Miroku was much better suited than this, but at the moment the monk was busy arguing with Sesshomaru's little spy about some part of the jewel's history they were trying to relay to Kaede. Inuyasha also doubted that the taijiya wanted anyone to know that she was out here.

 

“I'll come inside in a minute. I just need to be alone right now.” Her voice was stiff. Inuyasha could smell the salt of her tears. She was crying. Inuyasha couldn't leave her out here by herself. But he didn't know what to say. So he went over to where she stood at the railing and stood close to her.

 

She turned to him them and gave him a watery smile of her unspoken thanks. After a moment she said, “I was just thinking about Kohaku, and what it was like to fight him. I never thought that I would have to fight my brother, I never thought that I could hate my brother. I should have more faith in him…”

 

“Sango, your brother never turned on you. You know that” Inuyasha said softly, but she could not miss the fierce bitterness in his voice as he spoke, “Naraku concocted this whole plan. That's the bastard you should be mad at.”

 

“I do now, but I can't get that feeling out of my gut. I hated my brother and I wanted him dead. I can't ever forget that.”

 

“Well at least your brother had a good reason to turn on you,” Inuyasha muttered to himself. To Sango he said, “Sango, I know what it's like to hate a brother. But it was natural for you to do so under the circumstances. How were you to know? You're not a mind reader. Don't go beating yourself up too bad over it.”

 

“I should have had more faith in him.” She whispered more to herself than to him. She took in a deep breath. And then turned to Inuyasha and touched his arm in affectionate thanks. “Thanks Inuyasha for stopping me from thinking about this for too long. Kagome told me eventually and in my own time I would work this out.” She smiled slightly as continued, “Kagome is so very different than the rest of us. When all this happened she said that she didn't know if I would ever get over it, but she said I would get past it. These feelings and memories would always be a part of who I am and I could think upon them as I like, but that she would always be there if I was ready to talk.”

 

“Sounds like something she would say.” Inuyasha said as he stood there still looking out into the night. He envied Sango her faith in Kohaku. How he wished he could have that much faith in his own brother. Sango at least knew that what Kohaku had done had been against his will. Whatever else may have plagued her thoughts she didn't have the loss of her brother's love to worry about. That was one cross whose burden she didn't have to bear. He knew only too well the weight of that burden against the soul. Betrayal and hatred for someone you once loved you never got over, and you never got past.

 

A little voice inside his head whispered, “You got past Kikyo's betrayal and saw it for what it was, maybe…” Inuyasha quickly squashed the voice, that small voice of hope that he had in his heart that he had been wrong. No, there was no trick or manipulation, he had looked into those emotionless eyes of his brother and he had known the truth. It tore him up inside that day and he has hated Sesshomaru ever since.”

 

“I should have had more faith in him” Sango's words floated into his mind. Damn it he thought. I'm not doing this. Not now. He took off to the tree where he had been bound, the tree where he had first met Kagome. He would watch over the well from there, and breathe in her scent and push these memories from his thoughts. Sesshomaru had betrayed him. End of story. Case closed.

 

 

 

*******Author's Notes*****

Revised, Edited Reposted 10/12/04

 

Author's Notes: Currently I am in the process of revising, editing and reposting this fic.  If you find any errors (ie. spelling, word misuse, plot gaps, etc.) please let me know either by email (which can be found in my bio) or by leaving a review.  All comments and help are greatly appreciated.  Special thanks to thebigW for pointing many of these out to me.