InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Running ❯ Running ( Chapter 1 )

Running

 

By: MinnamoKimochi

 

Summary: Kagome reflects upon her fears and why she can't seem to let go.

 

Disclaimer: InuYasha is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. I hold no claims to him.

 

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000

 

She looked at her reflection in the water. It stared back at her like a cold phantom; it's features dancing in the ripples of the small pond. She still saw her.

 

It was becoming a normal feeling for her; to see that cold woman from so long ago in herself. Her reflection would never be only Kagome. Kikyou was always there, lingering inside her eyes, or residing in her body and controlling her movement.

 

Most of all, she was in her mind; her voice reaching her ears even in the darkest of silences; her heartbeat a separate rhythm that only Kagome could feel; her grace and beauty the only things lost within the reincarnation. At least in her mind.

 

As she looked up into the moon and stars she could feel her presence. Her soul, a part of Kagome's soul, slid against the warmth of her heart and made her cold. The soul that returned to her body after Kikyou's death seemed to linger outside of her heart. It would not mix in with the rest of her.

 

Perhaps it was the fact that she knew about Kikyou's existence that made her feel it so acutely. Perhaps it was knowing that death was inside her, a very part of her, that made her so afraid. Every time she used her spiritual powers, Kikyou's soul stirred and awakened, feeding her powers and yet sucking the warmth out of Kagome. She couldn't seem to shake the cold and loneliness that seemed to emanate from the soul. It made Kagome feel cold and lonely too.

 

Kagome blinked a couple times, and shivered. Her heart felt heavy and sad, her mind hollow. She felt that way every time she looked at the moon. As if she were a part of something mysterious, something well beyond her control. She felt like a legend when gazing at the glowing sphere, as if she were the one in control and satisfied with herself. It was one of the few times she felt she could understand life, how uncontrollable and yet how amazing it is. She gazed back into the water.

 

She would always see Kikyou in herself.

 

And that was natural. Kikyou was a part of her, whether she could feel it or not. Kikyou was in her looks, in her heart, and in her soul. But she was not Kagome. She could not take over Kagome, nor could Kagome take Kikyou and bring her to life through her own body. But Kikyou still lived through Kagome. Perhaps that was why she could not look InuYasha in the eye. She could not get past his eyes, could not stop thinking, `maybe he's seeing Kikyou'.

 

Her self-confidence was shot when it came to Inuyasha's opinion of her. He had even told her once that he saw her before she changed herself. He seemed to be able to sense her problem. He was concerned when she began returning from her era with a different look each time.

 

Over the five years that she was in the Sengoku Jidai, Kagome had tried various things to change her appearance. She had tried pretty much every hair and eye color combination she could think of, along with piercing her ears, lip, and eyebrow, anything to make her look different. Anything she could do to make it so when InuYasha looked at her, he would see Kagome, not Kikyou.

Once she had even gone so far as to get a tattoo. It was a picture of an arrow that looked as if it was sticking out of her heart. She had been out of her mind when she had gotten that one. She was sixteen when that happened. She had matured a lot since then.

 

After a while she realized that the problem was not Inuyasha's. It was hers. All the time that she had been changing herself on the outside, she had been trying to be herself, but all along the changes were futile.

 

She had returned to her original hair color, but kept the colored contacts simply because she liked her eyes green. She had let the piercings on her eyebrow and lip grow back, along with four of the ones on her ears. She had kept two so just because she liked them. She had finally figured it out. She had been running away. And she still was.

 

The moon glistened on the water as she thought of what she would do now. They had defeated Naraku a week ago, who shattered the jewel again as he died. InuYasha had embraced her afterwards and told her that he wished her to stay. She had been delighted and said yes. He had been about to kiss her, but this fear came into her heart. What if he saw Kikyou? She had used Shippo as an excuse to not kiss him.

 

Over the past week he had tried to kiss her numerous times, and yet she always found a way to stop him. It pained her to see the hurt in his eyes when she did so, but she couldn't handle the hurt in her own when Kikyou came into her mind.

 

She was running away. She always ran away from her feelings. She didn't want to be hurt again. She knew in her heart that this wasn't InuYasha's fault. He had even told her that he had chosen her. But the fear and pain of the past encounters with her predecessor still haunted her. She couldn't stop the fear, so she ran away from it. Call it survival instinct. Or call it cowardice.

 

The crunch of footsteps behind her startled her for a moment, and she looked up to see InuYasha. He was frowning as he crouched beside her. He immediately jumped to what was bothering him.

 

“Why won't you let me kiss you?” he asked. His clawed hands dug into the damp soil along the bank.

 

Kagome stayed silent for a moment. “I can't”.

 

He turned to face her, claws still tearing at the earth. “Why not?”

 

She could see the pain in his eyes as he asked her again. “I am running because I am afraid.” She said simply. She could not lie to him. They were too close for that. She would not ruin their relationship over her fears.

 

“What are you running from?” He looked around as if there would be something she was physically running from.

 

“A memory. Many memories actually. Ones that I can't stop. I tried, I really did. I tried to put her behind me. But I can't. She'll always be in my reflection and my heart believes she'll always be in your eyes.” A tear slipped down her cheek, but she didn't bother to wipe it away.

“You know that's not true, Kagome. Why can't you just let me show you that? Why can't you let her go as easily as you could so long ago? Don't you remember how you were always telling me to let her go?” His hands left the ground and one came to rest upon her shoulder.

 

“Because long ago I didn't see her as clearly as I can see her now. No matter what I do to my face and my body, I will always be her. And yet I will be different. Not as good. I realize the insecurities are mine, not yours. But they still manage to hurt you. For that I'm sorry.” The moon came out from behind the clouds, her features more accentuated by the moonlight that was now free to shine on her face.

 

InuYasha smiled slightly. “You will know when you have let her go. I knew the instant I did.”

 

Kagome blinked. “I know.”

 

Inuyasha shifted closer to her. “Just know that I see you.”

 

Kagome nodded. “I need time.”

 

InuYasha's hand squeezed her shoulder, and he turned his face into the moonlight.

 

“Then I will wait.”