InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Settle the Score ❯ Dialogue with the Stars ( Chapter 3 )

Settle the Score
by Chri

Author rantings :
I have also noticed that I didn't tell you when the fic is happening, it is a bit after Inuyasha killed the dragon his father sealed (Ryuukotsusei, Around episode 60 I think.) So Inuyasha already knows about his transformation and the Bakuryuuha, but no barrier-cutting or almost defeated Narakus.
I'm sorry to say that I don't know the manga at all, so I will use the anime as the source.

Disclaimer :
Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Sango, Shippou, Kirara, Kaede, Kikyou, Sesshoumaru, Naraku, Myouga -> Rumiko Takahashi
2 dead humans -> Mine (Somehow I feel disappointed)

Special thanks to :
Kat Morning, she even managed to find a big fault in my writing. Read about it in my end rantings if you are interested.
Daniel and Mikky provided some advise.

Chapter 3

Dialogue with the Stars

He had stayed away for the rest of the day. Now it was already dark and he was sitting on a tree, looking at the moon. It was waning - soon he would turn human once again.

Today's events had unlocked the last memory of his childhood. For a moment he had only seen this asshole who said he owned him, and had attacked. When he recovered from his flashback, he had had the small one up by his throat. ´I'm sure the rage would have consumed me if I hadn't had Tetsusaiga by my side. I could almost feel it, forcing back my youkai blood.´ But hadn't he been consumed by rage nonetheless? If he hadn't remembered Kagome behind him, he probably would have torn him to shreds, not just broken his neck.

"Dammit!" Inuyasha muttered to no one in particular. The killings had been gruesome enough as it was. He looked over to the group gathered around the fire. None of them had tried to talk to him today. He just hoped that they would be better after a night's sleep. He didn't know how he would explain himself tomorrow. His only chance was that they wouldn't be too nosy, which was not very likely.

Inuyasha's thoughts turned to Kagome. He always tried to spare Kagome sights like these. He could have defeated a few youkai faster, but hadn't done so because it would have been too messy. The others didn't notice most of the time, and if Sango or Miroku did, they blamed it on his stupidity or his styleless fighting. Only Sango sometimes had a suspicious look on her face, but didn't seem to be sure.

If Kagome decided to leave him, he wouldn't know what to do. He didn't think that would happen, as they still had a jewel to complete, but Kagome usually was the first trying to talk to him and stick her nose into his past. She was the only one around whom he relaxed enough to sometimes drop the tough act. He also was constantly behaving childishly around her, always arguing and doing silly things. He enjoyed her presence very much.

But what would she think about his memory loss? Since he could remember, he had always tried to cover it up. He had enough problems because of his lineage, he didn't want to add to that by being called stupid. With the years he had learned that the less people knew about him in any aspect, the less they could harm him. Even with Kikyou it had been hard to open up, and now with Kagome.

In the late time, she was asking about his past frequently, and he had been answering her as truthful as possible. He couldn't deny that he liked to talk with her, and that he didn't think she would use what he told her against him, but sometimes he had had to evade her, especially when he didn't know what to answer.

´Maybe I should tell her,´ Inuyasha thought. If he continued to be relaxed around her, she would maybe find out anyway. He didn't want to shut her out again, but if he continued to be careless around her, he would enmesh himself in contradictions. He liked to be careless around someone. He liked to trust someone.

He hadn't been able to trust her for a long time. Having his hopes with Kikyou shattered had left a deep mistrust in him. After all, dying is a very unique experience, especially with your love's arrow in the heart.

He still didn't trust Miroku or Sango completely. He accepted them as his friends, but some of their actions prevented him from trusting them, like Sango's theft of Tetsusaiga, or Miroku's theft of the Shikon shards when they had first met him. Miroku had tried to suck him into his Air Rip, while he himself had only peacefully tried to get back what was his. ´Well, as peacefully as possible.´

Maybe his trust in Kagome also was a bit forced. After all, she had complete control over him with that fucking word. He was dependent on her. But she had never tried to kill him, unlike his other friends. If she wanted to, she could sit him all day till his neck broke or something. If she sat him in a battle, he would be dead before he knew what hit him.

"I'm a fucking moron," Inuyasha sighed, staring up to the stars. No wonder his brother was disgusted with him. But it also was this power that had allowed him to get to know Kagome. And it was the power she didn't abuse, so he trusted - had to trust her - with his life. It was quite complex, and he had to admit he didn't understand his feelings completely. He hated it when he didn't even understand himself.

Just like he hated not even remembering his own childhood. Although he sometimes thought that a dreams had to do with, they were never substantial enough to guess anything. When he heard Kagome talking about her brother, or about her own childhood, he even got aggressive, envious he didn't know his own. He clenched his fists, angry at himself.

"Inuyasha?" he heard suddenly, startling him out of his musings. He tore his gaze away from the sky and looked down to see Kagome stand under the tree. Inuyasha felt relieved that she finally came to talk to him. He hadn't noticed her approach, so he looked over to the fire to check if Sango, Miroku and Shippou were still sitting around the fire. "Kagome." He didn't know how to begin, so he simply settled for her name.

Kagome sat down with her back against the tree. "You okay?" she asked, without looking up to him.

"Yeah, and you?"

"Fine too."

"That's good."

The sat in silence for some time, until Kagome spoke up. "What happened today, Inuyasha?" she asked bluntly.

"I killed a pair of fucking slavers," Inuyasha answered.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it. Inuyasha, tell me!" She looked up and looked at him as appellatively as she could.

"No."

"Inuyasha, please?"

"No," Inuyasha refused again.

Kagome got angry. "I have a right to know!"

"No." He noticed that he had settled back to obscuring almost subconsciously, like he always did when he was cornered. Thinking rationally, it might be better filling her in.

"Inuyashaaa ..." he heard the miko threaten below him, snapping him out of his musings. He knew what would follow and got angry himself. "Look, I can't tell you because I fucking DON'T KNOW!" he shouted at her.

Kagome looked dumbfound at his outburst. "What do you mean you don't know?" Who would know if not him?

"It means I don't know! What part of 'I don't know' do you not understand?"

"Inuyasha."

"Yes?"

"Osuwari."

Inuyasha had been partially expecting the command and managed not to hurt himself too much from falling off the top of the tree. "Dammit!"

"Now will you finally tell me?"

Inuyasha thought for a while. He had avoided telling her, but it didn't look like it would work much longer. It was not only this time, lately he had been cornered quite often.

´I'm more clever than I let others know, but on the other hand I am stupid enough to forget something like THAT. Like a complete idiot.´ He didn't want Kagome, or anyone else, to think he was stupid, but he wouldn't get around telling her sooner or later. ´Might as well do it now.´ But that didn't mean the others had to know. He realized that was another advantage of telling her, she would be able to help him concealing it. And she would finally stop asking about things he couldn't answer. He hoped she knew how much trust he was placing in her.

"You have to promise me not to tell anybody. And with anybody I mean especially Sango, Miroku and Shippou. And with promise I mean to never ever under any circumstances tell anybody," he demanded, looking very serious.

"Promise."

"You don't mean it!" Inuyasha criticized. "Promise on ... the Shikon no Tama. And your soul," he demanded. If he really told her, he had to make sure she didn't tell this to anyone.

"I promise on the Shikon no Tama and my soul to never ever under any circumstances tell anybody, including Sango, Miroku and Shippou," an impatient, but serious Kagome promised.

That was enough for Inuyasha. He leaned closer to whisper into her ear, not trusting that the figures he could see around the fire weren't some of Shippou's illusions. Not wanting to jump her with his revelation, he began, "The truth is, I don't really know."

Kagome looked ready to strangle him.

Inuyasha backed away a bit, but continued anyway after checking his surroundings one more time. "When the human talked about selling me, I remembered the last memory of my childhood. It basically ends with me being sold to some guy."

Kagome was pacified. "Who was it? And when do you think your childhood ended?" He was the most immature teenager she could think of. "And who sold you? It wouldn't be your mother, I hope."

"No! Of course not!" Inuyasha defended his mother. "It were just some assholes from the town I lived in. I was seven back then. And I don't know who the guy who bought me was, I just get angry whenever I think of him."

"So you could escape?" Kagome wasn't able to disentangle the contradictions. He didn't know the guy so he couldn't have been caught. "Then why do you get that angry when you think about him?"

"It's... because I don't know what happened afterwards; my memory ends there. Next thing I know is me running away in a blizzard." Inuyasha shuddered at the memory.

"So you got mature from one day to the other?" Kagome still wasn't convinced in his maturity.

Inuyasha thought he had been evading Kagome enough, not that he wanted to fool her. It just wasn't easy for him to talk about the matter. He finally chose to let the cat out of the bag. "Kagome, I was thirteen when I was in that blizzard."

"WHAT?"

* * * * *

Sango and Miroku looked over to them. Sango had just drifted off into sleep, only to be scared awake by Kagome's scream. She looked over to Miroku who was readying himself for battle.

When they saw Inuyasha was still sitting next to Kagome, waving them to stop, they relaxed. The only one who wasn't taking notice of the events was Shippou, who was snoring in Kagome's sleeping bag.

Sango looked over to Miroku. "Do you think we should go check?"

"No, I don't think so. And we can't go eavesdropping either, Inuyasha would notice our approach," Miroku answered somewhat disappointed.

"That won't be necessary. Kagome will tell us tomorrow anyway, if Inuyasha refuses to."

Miroku thought on that. "Yes, in the worst case you have to have a nice little girl-to-girl talk with Kagome."

"Hmmm, I don't think it will go that far. But if she does only talk to me, what will you offer for the information?" Sango teased the monk.

"My everlasting love?" Miroku tried.

"That was to be expected..." Sango muttered, again preparing for sleep. "Don't think you will get away so cheap."

Miroku feigned hurt. "You deem my love cheap?"

"No, I do not," Sango replied. She realized what she had said, glad that Kagome wasn't there. "Just go to sleep. And no, not with me!"

* * * * *

Their friends were looking over to them, so Inuyasha gestured them to sit down again. He didn't need them over there now. "Ssshh, keep your voice down. You'll wake up Shippou." After making sure that they were being left alone, he continued, "The truth is, I forgot everything that happened between the day when I was in the hut with my mother at the age of seven, and the day when I ran away from whatever into the blizzard, being thirteen. I don't know what happened in these six years of my life..." Inuyasha trailed off and looked at Kagome. How would she react?

Kagome was completely taken by surprise. "You know nothing of your childhood?"

"Not a single memory."

Kagome didn't know what to say. She noticed that Inuyasha, although he tried to hide it, looked really anxious. She thought of something to break the silence. "So, why did you get so angry?" Kagome asked him the question she originally had come over to ask, meanwhile trying to process what she had heard.

"I think it has to do with this one guy from my memory. I don't know why, but I just hate him more than you can imagine. Not even Sesshoumaru manages to anger me that much." He paused, drawing in a breath. "When the human talked about selling me ... selling you ... I was reminded of him. When I killed the first one he was a replacement for the guy of my memory."

Kagome was silent. There he was again, telling her that he worried for her. But he also worried for Kikyou, and he had loved her. Sometimes she wished she could look into Inuyasha's head, to know what he thought of her. She was sure that she was more than just a 'Shard-detector', but what exactly was she?

Inuyasha interpreted her silence as disapproval. "Look, you know I don't kill without reason. And what am I supposed to do when someone threatens to capture us and sell us to god knows who?"

Kagome turned her attention back to Inuyasha. She couldn't approve to him killing humans. "Yes, they were wrong. But you cannot simply kill them just because they remind you of someone of the past!"

"And what should I have done with them?" Inuyasha asked. "Let them live? Let them run? So they can capture some girls who aren't able to fend them off?"

Kagome hadn't thought about that. Inuyasha, although he had been angry, had been thinking ahead more than she would have trusted him to. Usually he just seemed to attack everything that angered him. Maybe he was just inventing an excuse? "No, but you could have turned them over."

"What for? Nobody would feel offended by catching youkai, nobody would believe our story about them capturing girls, and if somebody did the two would have been executed anyway." Inuyasha didn't understand how Kagome's solution was better than his.

Kagome still objected, these methods just were barbaric. "In my time criminals are locked away, how longs depends on the crime they have committed. You don't get your hand hacked off just for stealing bread, and a death sentence is only spoken at the most horrible crimes." Many industrial countries had stopped killing criminals, although she knew it was still practiced in America as well as her home country and also many countries of the Second and the Third World. 'How far have we really gotten in these five-hundred years?' she wondered briefly.

"Not everybody has the luck to live in your time. That sure sounds nice, but it wouldn't work here. Who would look after the criminals? Who would buy food for them?" Inuyasha didn't understand who would care for criminals. Maybe it had to do with the fact that food was much easier to get in her time, so they had enough to spare some for the criminals.

Kagome decided to drop the matter. "Why were you lying about your childhood?"

"I didn't lie..." Inuyasha paused. "I just didn't want you to know."

"But why?" she inquired again.

Inuyasha looked up to the stars, not able to look at Kagome. "I don't ..." He stopped and began anew. "I didn't want you to ... know I'm ... stupid."

Kagome looked surprised. He cared for what she thought about him? "I don't think you are stupid. There must be a reason." She noticed Inuyasha's relieved look. "I know you aren't stupid, though you're sure acting like it most of the time," she told him good-naturedly.

"Keh."

"Do you have a clue why you have forgotten? Maybe someone cast a spell on you?" Kagome tried to remember if Kaede had told her anything about spells that would mess peoples minds, but didn't come up with anything.

"Nope, no real clues. The only thing I know is that I had a sore feeling in the chest, not unlike the time I healed after Sesshoumaru impaled me." He spoke the name of his brother with clear dislike. "Damn bastard... I don't think you can lighten up things with that?"

"Sorry, no idea. Maybe we can do something about it?" she offered.

"I don't think that we could do much about it. And we have better things to do than helping me remember what it was like to play around in the mud." Inuyasha kept secret that he didn't like people messing around with his mind, friend or foe alike. It was something that belonged only to him.

When he thought of the meeting with the fake mother Sesshoumaru had made up he only remembered helplessness. He hadn't been able to do a thing to escape her spell. If Kagome hadn't pulled him out, all his strength would not have been able to save him.

Inuyasha continued, coming back from his thoughts. "Naraku is out there, with a really large piece of the Shikon no Tama. We don't have time to search around for a cure or a counterspell," he stated. ´There it is again, the Shikon no Tama as excuse.´

Inuyasha wasn't that interested in the jewel anymore. After being accepted by his friends as a hanyou, he didn't see the need to turn human. It would also mean he wouldn't be able to protect Kagome that well anymore. And turning full youkai could also mean a personality change, as Miroku had pointed out, and that did definitely fall into the mind-messing category. If it was only a bit like when his youkai blood took over, he definitely didn't want it that way.

But what reason did he have to stay with them? ´To stay with Kagome?´ So he stayed with his story of wanting to turn youkai. And the Shikon no Tama wasn't to be left in the hands of someone like Naraku. Inuyasha not only wanted to kill him, but had to avenge Kikyou as well. Once they had it, he would decide what to do.

His musings were interrupted by Kagome. "Hmm, you are right, we have a few things on our schedule. But I will ask the doctor at our school the next time I see him, maybe it is just some kind of sickness or injury." She had heard of various diseases that caused loss of memory.

"Hmm, don't think so, I don't get your stupid diseases," Inuyasha lectured. "And I doubt that Haha-ue dropped me on the head that day."

"Still, it will not hurt to ask," Kagome stated.

Inuyasha didn't object. It wasn't as if he wasn't interested in his past. Hell, he was incredibly interested, he only didn't want to show. But they also had other problems to care about, as tempting Kagome's offer sounded.

"And the next time don't kill humans, ok?" Kagome added when she saw him preparing to get up.

"I wonder why you never whined when I was about to kill a youkai?" Inuyasha asked.

"That is another matter. And I object when you want to kill good youkai," Kagome clarified, thinking of Kouga in particular.

"Yes, but you also want to safe bad humans, while you have no problem with killing bad youkai. The ones are as much my kind as the others," Inuyasha told her. ´And neither one is it really...´ he added in his thoughts. He got up, walking towards the fire. "Humans can be just as cruel as youkai." ´I know it.´

Kagome stood up and followed him, a new question popping up in her head. "Why don't you want me to tell anything to Miroku and Sango?"

Inuyasha tried to keep his voice down. "Just do it. You fucking promised!"

"Yes, but in exchange you have to tell me why I have to keep my mouth shut!" Kagome demanded. It was a gamble, he didn't like being pushed around, but if she just kept silent he wouldn't tell her for sure.

"Not so loud, Miroku and Sango will hear you!" He looked over to the fire to find everyone asleep. "If I tell you, you have to shut up once and for all, ok?" Inuyasha waited until Kagome nodded before he continued, "And you have to tell them that what we talked about is to remain between you and me."

Inuyasha looked over to the fire, letting his eyes stray over the sleeping figures. "I don't want them to think I'm an idiot. It's nice to be treated ..." He didn't finish the sentence, instead he stopped to walk and turned to face Kagome, giving her a hard look. "You are the only person I ever told this. Nobody knows, not even Myouga. So, please don't abuse my trust." With that he jumped away up the tree nearest to the fire in one giant leap. He landed without a sound, not waking any of his friends sleeping ten meters (30 feet) below him.

Kagome looked after him, too stunned to close her mouth, wondering about how mature Inuyasha could be sometimes. After a few seconds she got a grip on herself and began to walk to her sleeping bag.

She felt proud. This was one of the longest talks they had ever had and Inuyasha had shared something with her that he hadn't told anyone before. It would be their little secret. ´Little! Little is the understatement of the year. And it seems that it's an even bigger matter to Inuyasha. He hasn't even trusted Kikyou with this!´

Kagome reached he sleeping bag and saw that Shippou was already sleeping in it. She pushed him to the side a bit, trying not to wake him, and crawled into the bag.

She wasn't able to find sleep. She looked up to find that Inuyasha seemed asleep. She couldn't make out much, although the sky was unclouded and there was a waning half moon, providing some light. She turned to look at the stars instead.

´Maybe Inuyasha doesn't like Kikyou that much. After all, he had been under a spell when she tried to take him with her to hell. And when I snapped him out of it, his face was filled with concern. For me.´

´And what's with the other times? He defends her everytime anyone of us criticizes her.´ He didn't even mind her giving their shards to Naraku. And every time he saw her he got that look on his face. ´But he didn't tell her his secret.´ But on the other hand, Inuyasha seemed to have enough secrets for half of Japan. He probably had told Kikyou things he hadn't told her.

´But nothing as important as this.´ With this thought she drifted off into sleep.

Hmm, my chapters are getting longer. Sorry that there was no action, but it wouldn't have fitted anywhere.

Inuyasha was quite difficult to write in this chapter, especially the part where he talks with Kagome. I think I didn't get him out of character, remember when he pushed Kagome into the well (after fighting Sesshoumaru) he also got serious.

Because I am a guy, the monologue of Kagome also was a bit hard to write. You know, which man really understands what's going on in the mind of a woman? ;) Because of the monologue I also decided to introduce quotation marks for thoughts, it would have been a mess otherwise. I updated the older chapters too, but you don't have to reread them (except you want to see all the nice apostrophes.)

About the execution discussion, I'm against death sentences, but I think in a country without a real government like feudal Japan it might not be easy to have the needed administration to do that. Here in Europe this isn't practiced, so maybe I'm prejudiced. I fail to catch the reason for locking a few selected individuals up for twenty years, just to kill them in the end.

You really should check out In Flames - Dialogue with the Stars. It's one of the best instrumental tunes I know.

December 27th, 2003 : Chapter 3 finished.

May 13th, 2003 : Edited the chapter with Kat's help. Thanks to one of her comments I found out that death sentences also exist in Japan, before I had just assumed they don't (hell, I had been sure). I tell you, nobody in Europe knows that; Kat only guessed, too. Do they try to keep it secret? Doing research, I found out that Japan was the first (and only) country on earth who had death sentences forbidden for more than 300 years in a row (in the Heinan era, 818-1156). It is said that the belief in angry spirits was a main reason...

October 18th, 2003 : Last revision of the chapter.