InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Side Effects ❯ Truths ( Chapter 6 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: King Baka 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 04.20.2017 | Updated On: 04.21.2017 | Pages: 8 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 929 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 04.20.2017 | Updated On: 04.21.2017 | Pages: 8 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 929 | Status: Work In Progress
Disclaimer: I don’t own Inuyasha. I will make no
money from this fic; I write for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment
of my readers.
Truths
“Inuyasha?”
The instant her outstretched fingers touched his shoulder, Inuyasha seized violently, causing Kagome to jerk her arm back. He sat up suddenly, glancing all around, then down to his clawless hands and dark hair, and finally up at the full moon overhead. He seemed to experience a small measure of relief at these discoveries, but when he finally turned toward her, his expression transformed into one of horror. Following his gaze, Kagome noticed the red blotches marring her blouse, standing starkly against the white fabric. She stifled a grimace, knowing that the evidence of the bleeding made the shallow puncture wounds seem more severe than they actually were. She glanced up to find Inuyasha already stalking stiffly toward the well, his back rigid. When he turned toward her with her yellow backpack in hand, she could see the tenseness in his jaw. That, along with his silent refusal to meet her eyes, drove her to try to reassure him.
“It’s okay, Inuyasha, they’re not—”
“Please,” he murmured softly, his voice nearly cracking with repressed emotion. It was then that Kagome realized how much of a mistake it would be to try to talk him out of bandaging her wounds—or worse, refusing to allow him to do so. This was far more important for him than it was for her.
“Okay,” she replied gently. This, however, presented her with a new dilemma. The injuries were on her upper arms, almost to her shoulders. There was no way she could roll up the sleeves of her blouse that far. That left removing the blouse as the only option, which was problematic for other obvious reasons. But she couldn’t let modesty stand in the way of this, not if she wanted to be able to talk to her guilt-ridden companion this evening. Inuyasha would clearly be in no shape to carry on any kind of conversation until her wounds were properly dressed—and until he saw with his own eyes that they weren’t as bad as he feared. Of course, none of this meant that this would be a comfortable experience. Well, I suppose it’s no more humiliating than what happened back at camp…
Unsure how to alert Inuyasha to the problem, she hesitantly began untying the ribbon hanging at her chest, shooting him a meaningful glance. It took a moment or two, but he got the message. Kagome was actually relieved to see him blush and swiftly spin around. He stood there with his arms folded over his chest, tapping his foot, the picture of anxious embarrassment. The sight inspired a tentative smile; it had been far too long since she had last seen the Inuyasha she knew. All it took was him somehow turning human on the night of the full moon. Hopefully they could figure out how and why this happened later. For now, she had to let him patch up her injuries, and hopefully assuage his guilt in the process. To that end, she removed her blouse and held it against her front for modesty’s sake. This unfortunately left her entire back bare save for the straps of her bra, but she trusted Inuyasha not to take any unnecessary liberties.
“Okay,” she told him, unable to prevent her voice from trembling slightly, though whether this stemmed from her nerves or from the chilly night air she couldn’t be sure. Inuyasha turned to face her and swallowed hard, perhaps from seeing her in a state of undress, or perhaps because he was humbled that she was allowing him to do this, especially when he had inflicted the injuries in the first place. In any case, he stared at her for only a moment or two, and then got down to business, kneeling by her side and pulling the first aid kit out of her bag. He ministered to her with seemingly practiced hands, which Kagome found odd because to her knowledge he had never done this before. I guess it’s from watching me patch up his wounds so many times. Granted, usually when she tried to bandage an injury this small, he griped at her for worrying about a ‘flesh wound.’ But mending the physical damage is the easy part, she reflected, contemplating everything which had transpired between them. She knew better than to voice that observation out loud.
As Inuyasha worked, Kagome took the opportunity to study him more closely. There were small splotches of mud in his hair and on his clothes, as though he’d rolled around in a swamp and then hastily washed himself off before coming here. The ‘why’ was yet another aspect of the mystery. There were so many questions; if she allowed herself to be consumed by them, then she would never be able to bite her tongue until her companion was finished. So for both of their sakes, she attempted to purge the uncertainties from her mind and focus on the here and now, specifically Inuyasha’s tender ministrations. If he noticed her attention, he didn’t comment on it. Perhaps he truly didn’t notice, so single-minded was his determination. He wore a perpetual scowl, his face scrunched up in concentration. In other circumstances Kagome might have found the expression quite adorable.
Finally he sat back on his heels, silently seeking her approval. Kagome was about to thank him when a full-body shiver passed through her, this time most definitely from the cold. She reached for her bag, knowing there was a clean blouse and probably a jacket in there.
“Here,” Inuyasha muttered, already working the ties to his suikan. Kagome’s first thought was to politely decline—she had other clothes and he was only human himself right now—but the guarded look in his eyes stopped her. He was trying to hide how much her acceptance or refusal of his robe would mean to him, likely almost as much as allowing him to bandage her wounds. How could she say no?
“Thank you,” she replied instead, taking the garment. Inuyasha closed his eyes while she slipped it on. This wasn’t a night for bare arms, so instead of utilizing his sleeves as a makeshift obi as she’d done before, she tied the sleeves of her blouse around her middle instead. She probably looked pretty goofy; the suikan was baggy on Inuyasha and practically swallowed her smaller frame, never mind the ridiculous ‘belt.’ But it was warm, his residual body heat comforting, and most importantly Inuyasha relaxed visibly when he opened his eyes and saw her wearing it.
This was not to say that all was well with him. Clearly that was not the case. Once again he took to staring at the ground between them, his brow furrowed in consternation. Kagome waited impatiently for him to say something, until finally she could take the silence no longer.
“Inuyasha—”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
Kagome blinked, his sudden statement having caught her off guard. She received the distinct impression that he was talking about more than the wounds on her arms, but she had to know for sure.
“Forgive you…for what?”
“For those,” he answered, pointing to her arm. “For…what I said earlier. For being a complete bastard. For everything.”
By the time he finished, he had slumped over in utter dejection, as though the reminder of his offenses would cause her to unleash whatever pent-up anger she held inside. No doubt he thought he deserved whatever was coming to him. Be that as it may, his obvious remorse spoke to her. It smothered him, weighing down shoulders usually so strong, a spirit normally so vibrant. She never wanted to see him like this again. But that begged the question, could she really forgive him for everything?
“Are you truly sorry for all of those things?”
He nodded, daring to make eye contact for a sliver of a moment. But it was enough for Kagome to catch a glimpse of the hope he tried so hard to hide, shining through the dark depths of fear, an all-consuming terror that he had ruined everything. It breathed life back into her withered heart, and gave her the courage to do the right thing.
“Then…I forgive you.”
He stared at her for a long time, hope and gratitude suppressed by utter disbelief. “Why?” he finally asked, the most basic question in the world, and yet, the most complex.
Kagome smiled sadly. You know why. I told you earlier, back at camp.
“Because you’re my friend,” she replied instead. “And that’s what friends do.” There. It was the truth, if not the whole truth. If Inuyasha didn’t return her feelings—and she was reasonably certain that he didn’t—then hopefully he wouldn’t bring up the subject of her confession. Please, just pretend it never happened.
“Thank you,” he muttered in an awestruck tone. His lower jaw trembled briefly before he clenched it, and he swore under his breath as he wiped a couple rogue tears away. Kagome averted her gaze, knowing how much he hated showing his emotions more easily on his human nights. That brought her back to the issue of why he was human this night. It was finally time to get her questions answered.
“Inuyasha, why are you human? I don’t think it was my spiritual energy. I mean, it wasn’t all because of my spiritual energy. I didn’t use that much power. And you didn’t transform fully until after the power wore off. You were just writhing on the ground, and then…” she trailed off, realizing that she was rambling, her voice rising frantically in pitch with every word. She took a deep breath, then finished much more calmly.
“What in the world is going on, Inuyasha?”
“I’m not entirely sure,” he admitted with a grimace, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Maybe…we can figure it out together?”
He blushed but nodded, apparently willing to try.
“Okay,” she declared, clapping her hands together with determination. “Let’s start at the beginning.”
“The beginning, huh?” he repeated, his eyes going unfocused for a moment. Kagome waited for him to find the right words, but several times he opened his mouth only to clam up again, his frown deepening all the while.
“Inuyasha, whatever you’re thinking, just say it. I’m not going to judge you.”
He shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s just…every time I think of something it seems so stupid.”
“Well, tell me anyway,” she instructed, smiling in encouragement. “We’re going to figure it out together, remember?”
Inuyasha heaved a long-suffering sigh. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he muttered. Then after another sigh and a short pause, he finally took her advice, his words carrying the conversation in an entirely unexpected direction.
“Do you agree that there’s really only one ‘Inuyasha?’” he asked suddenly, the question leaving Kagome a bit flummoxed.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, no matter what form I took, I was always still the same person on the inside. Except for when I transformed into a youkai after Tetsusaiga broke,” he added after a moment. “That wasn’t me. I don’t murder people for fun. That shit ain’t me.”
“Of course not,” she agreed.
He nodded gratefully. “So when I transformed into a youkai before, it was like someone else was in control of my body. But…it isn’t like that when I become human. On moonless nights, I don’t become another person, I just get more sensitive,” he spat, as though the word left a sour taste in his mouth.
“I see what you’re saying now,” Kagome acknowledged. “You don’t turn into someone else when you become human. Your personality just changes a little bit.”
“Exactly,” he replied, seemingly relieved that she could understand his stream of consciousness. “And then, when I became a full-fledged youkai…I thought it was the same.”
“So…your youkai side didn’t take over after that day with the hamster?”
“No,” he answered despondently. “I was still in control. The only time he took over was right before I came here tonight. Everything I did before that, everything I said…it was all me.”
Kagome digested that in silence for a moment. It had obviously cost Inuyasha a lot to admit such a thing, and she had already forgiven him, so she wouldn’t dwell on it. Besides, she wasn’t quite ready to completely buy into his assumption that he was fully responsible for everything.
“But, it seemed like you got wor—I mean, you changed more and more over time.”
“It’s okay,” he replied bitterly, “you can say it. I did get worse. In the beginning, maybe it was like the reverse of a moonless night. Maybe I just became less sensitive. But eventually…you were right, Kagome. I became a total bastard. Someone even you didn’t recognize anymore.”
Inuyasha hung his head, and Kagome’s heart went out to him. She ardently wished that she could deny his assertion, but she couldn’t lie to him. Not about this. Fortunately, the pieces of the puzzle were starting to fall into place.
“I think I understand,” she told him, drawing a hopeful gaze. “When you become human, your humanity influences your personality. And when you became a full-fledged youkai, your youkai side influenced your personality as well, in the opposite direction. But then, because your youkai side is so much more…forceful, than your human side, and because you stayed a youkai for so long, it influenced you more and more until finally…”
“That actually…makes a lot of sense,” Inuyasha declared after a brief pause. Then he scowled and clenched his fists. “I’m such a fucking idiot. I didn’t even notice anything while it was happening. I just kept saying, ‘I’m still Inuyasha,’ ignoring all of you trying to tell me otherwise. Damn moron! I didn’t even realize how much my youkai side was influencing me until…until tonight, after I said those horrible things to you…”
“It’s all right, Inuyasha,” Kagome tried, only to have him shake his head vigorously. Evidently his actions were still most definitely not ‘all right’ with him, even though she had already forgiven him. This was something she would have to deal with later, but for now there were still mysteries left to solve, and his silence had given her an opportunity to change the subject.
“That still doesn’t explain why you’re human now.”
If she was hoping he would have some insight on that point, she was disappointed. He seemed just as perplexed as she, and to make matters worse, his eyes were downcast and colored heavily with remorse once again. She needed to get him in a better state of mind before continuing their conversation. She reached out and took one of his hands in both of her own. He flinched, but did not pull away.
“Inuyasha, look at me,” she pleaded. He complied, but only to the point of gazing miserably at some portion of the mass of red fabric covering her torso. Rolling her eyes, she reached out with one hand and gently raised his chin. His eyes registered shock, then slid shut briefly as her fingers trailed lovingly along his jawbone. He subconsciously leaned into the contact, the gesture causing butterflies to flutter in Kagome’s stomach. When he finally opened his eyes again, she saw humility, awe, gratitude, and…something else which she didn’t dare to name. Swallowing nervously, she cleared her mind of all else and focused on the love which she harbored for this man.
“Inuyasha, I know you’re not ready to accept that I’ve forgiven you…or to forgive yourself. That’s fine. It will come eventually. Right now, we need to figure out what’s happening to you, to us. If we can do that, then everything else will fall into place. Will you help me?”
There it was again, that light in his eyes, that teasing specter which her mind told her could not possibly be what she desperately hoped it was. Her heart wanted to believe, but she couldn’t…she just couldn’t. Fortunately it vanished after a moment, replaced by strong resolve. Inuyasha nodded in determination, putting on his best ‘battle face.’ Kagome chuckled, shaking her head slightly. Count on Inuyasha to treat having a heartfelt conversation the same as mortal combat. The wind whispered through the surrounding trees, causing the branches to sway, the sound giving Kagome inspiration for a way to make both of them a little more comfortable.
“Come on,” she told him, standing and pulling him to his feet, then leading him toward Goshinboku. Small movement off to her right caught her attention, and she spied Kirara trotting through the underbrush. ‘Thank you,’ she mouthed, unsure if the fire-cat got her message. She would have to properly express her gratitude later; the fact that Kirara was acting as lookout was allowing them to have this conversation away from prying eyes and probing ears. They sat side-by-side against Goshinboku, their knees nearly touching. Through it all, Inuyasha never made any move to release her hand. Finally, after they were settled, Kagome picked up where they had left off.
“So, can you tell me what happened after you…left camp?”
Inuyasha was clearly reluctant to answer, likely from a combination of shame and embarrassment, but he hesitated only briefly before recounting the tale. He told her of his misadventures in the forest, of a guilt-stricken imagination run wild, and of finding rock bottom in a patch of mud. He told her how he had seen the truth for the first time, and of his inner dialogue with his youkai side. Kagome sensed that he was leaving out much of that conversation, but she let it pass. Finally, he described how his youkai side had taken over, determined to seal the well behind her.
“It would have worked, too,” he observed bitterly. “When I did finally wake up, I would have fallen under the influence of my youkai side again. So…I probably wouldn’t have even cared that you were gone.”
Kagome squeezed his hand and smiled at him reassuringly, comprehending the truth of that statement and not holding it against him. As far as she was concerned, he hadn’t been in his right mind for over two weeks. Sitting next to her was the real Inuyasha, his personality of course slightly altered due to his current humanity. But that didn’t change the contents of his heart; it only allowed him to reveal them more easily. This Inuyasha cared very much whether she remained by his side, as he always had. Judging by the strength of his grip, he would be completely heartbroken if she left. Even, perhaps, to the extent of suffering the same pain that she would feel. Again, she didn’t dare contemplate what that might mean.
“There’s one thing I don’t get, though,” he stated, apparently comforted by her silent support. “If I was so heavily influenced by my youkai side, then why did I ‘wake up’ in the first place? Why was I able to see the truth at all? And how the hell am I human right now?”
“That sounds like more than one thing,” Kagome teased, in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Keh!” he responded, to which her smile widened, before her expression turned serious once more. It was odd, she reflected, to make a joke in a situation like this. Perhaps she was comfortable doing so because she already knew the answers to all of Inuyasha’s questions. At least, she thought she did. It had come to her as she compared the Inuyasha sitting beside her to the one she had traveled with for the past two weeks, as she contemplated everything that made them different. It came down, as matters of great spiritual importance often did, to a trinity, the same trinity which defined all sentient beings.
“Your body may have been that of a full-fledged youkai,” she stated solemnly, as he listened at rapt attention. “But you still have a caring soul, and a loving heart. I think when you…said what you said, those parts of you could no longer remain silent. In the end, your true self shone through.”
Both of their faces were flushed by the time she finished speaking, but Kagome was proud of herself for making it through without stuttering. She was relieved to see that Inuyasha accepted her words, despite his embarrassment.
“By my ‘true self,’ do you mean my humanity?”
She gently shook her head. “Not necessarily. You’ve always been two halves combined into one whole, Inuyasha. Your youkai side is tough. It gave you the strength to survive in this world. It also gives you the drive, and the ability to protect me and the others. Your humanity gives you emotions, allows you to feel, to have friends who care for you. But to me, what makes you ‘Inuyasha’ isn’t one side or the other, it’s the combination. I…I miss the hanyou. I miss the real Inuyasha, the one who became my best friend, the one I fell in l—”
She cut herself off at the last instant, cursing her carelessness. Hadn’t she determined not to bring that up again? Inuyasha could be pretty dense at times, but even he couldn’t miss so obvious a reminder. Now he would feel bound to give her a definitive answer, one which she dreaded with every logical fiber of her being. He would have to tell her that he either didn’t or couldn’t return her feelings. She hoped her already fractured heart would survive the blow. Releasing his hand, she clenched both of her hands in her lap, looking away from him with her eyes tightly closed. Please…please just let it go. Let me hold onto my foolish hope for a little longer.
An oppressive silence ensued. It seemed as though the forest itself was holding its breath. Kagome began to feel cautious optimism; perhaps he really had missed her near slip, or was willing to let it go?
“Kagome?”
She cringed, turning further away from him, her arms coming up to encircle her torso, as if to prevent her heart from tumbling out.
“Kagome, look at me,” he pleaded, repeating her words from earlier. Still she refused. His voice sounded so sincere, so devoid of remorse, as though he was somehow not worried about hurting her anymore. That just meant her grief was causing her senses to play tricks on her. You have a family and friends who love you. You are strong. You will get through this.
Her fragile resolve was scattered to the winds when she felt his hand cup her cheek. She could muster no resistance as he gently turned her to face him. She barely managed to keep her eyes closed, stubborn hope nearly outweighing the fear of learning the contents of his gaze. If she saw his eyes…that would be it. She would know for sure. It was easier to keep her eyes closed. Then she felt the warm press of his lips, feather-light against her own. Her eyelids squeezed painfully, nevertheless failing to hold back her tears. This is it. The last kiss he will ever give me. The warmth of his lips faded away, replaced by a creeping numbness. Perhaps it was better that way. Perhaps it would make it easier to hold herself together.
He pulled away after only a couple seconds. Despite her resolve, she found herself missing his presence. She was utterly hopeless. How did it happen? How did he somehow acquire this power over her, this ability to break or restore her on a whim? Never before had she felt so weak.
As before, his touch scattered her thoughts. He cupped her cheek again, the pad of his thumb wiping away her tears. She found herself leaning unconsciously into his caress, somehow drawing comfort from her weakness this time. He called her name again, and she hesitantly opened her eyes.
What she saw astounded her, shocked her to her very core. His eyes were slightly guarded, as though he had not completely banished his own lingering fears. But they had never been so open to her, so warm, so overflowing with affection. With…love?
“Kagome…about what you said before…”
She was torn. Torn between begging him to forget her words and encouraging him to continue. In the end, all she could do was sit there, mouth agape, every nerve in her body tingling as she waited for him to say whatever he intended to say. To her dismay, he broke off his current course and settled on a more indirect path.
“Earlier, when I was struggling with my youkai side, when he was trying to convince me that everyone would be better off if I became a full-fledged youkai and let you go…it wasn’t my own strength of will that brought me to my senses. It wasn’t guilt, and it wasn’t loyalty either. What brought me back was…you. Only you. If you hadn’t said…what you said, then I don’t think you ever would have seen me again. I never would have become myself again. I’m here because…because you said you loved me, and I…I…”
He clammed up then, his nerves finally getting the better of him. Kagome reached out, with halting movements as though in a trance, and clasped his hand where it rested on his knee. She tried to convey all of her love, everything she felt for him, as the last of the numbness faded and her heart beat strongly within her chest, sending currents of warmth throughout her body. She still felt weak, as she hung on his every word. But it appeared that Inuyasha understood this particular infirmity well. To entrust one’s heart to another, and to receive that person’s heart in return. Was that not the very essence of love? Was that not beautiful?
The lines of tension left his face, as he turned his hand and grasped hers tightly. His spirits restored, his apprehension soothed, he finally found the courage to meet her ardent gaze and say what he needed to say.
“Because…I feel the same.”
Kagome sobbed, somehow unprepared for his confession despite her intuition that it was coming. More tears flowed forth, but she didn’t try to hold them back. They were proof of her happiness, along with her brilliant smile. An expression which Inuyasha matched, as the dappled moonlight glowed radiantly in his eyes. He reached up with both hands to wipe away her tears, holding her tenderly, making her feel cherished. She lay one of her hands over his own, entwining their fingers. Then his gaze lowered to her lips, and he leaned toward her. Kagome shifted her position, moving her legs underneath her so she too could lean forward, drawn in by undeniable yearning as she met him halfway.
Again she felt the warm press of his lips, firmer this time, a wondrous combination of confidence and hesitance on both of their parts. The latter quickly gave way to the former, as Kagome experienced a profound contentment, as though her entire life had led her to this moment. She had dreamt of their first kiss before, many times in fact, but it had never been quite like this. And yet, this was everything that a first true kiss was supposed to be. Time seemed to slow, as each moment confirmed for her that his feelings were genuine, that he loved her as much as she loved him. It had seemed impossible just a few short minutes ago, but now, the opposite seemed unfathomable. So complete a reversal, so beautiful a kiss. All thanks to the strength of a hanyou’s heart, and a long overdue confession.
They separated simultaneously, reluctantly pulling away from each other, but only for a moment. Kagome raised herself to her knees and threw her arms around Inuyasha’s neck, leaning her head against his shoulder.
“Baka,” she breathed, smiling to herself at the familiar insult. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Keh,” Inuyasha muttered, his arms encircling her form, returning the embrace. “Did you forget who you’re talkin’ to, wench?”
Kagome chuckled merrily, her mirth bubbling over, irrepressible. Between laughing and crying, the choice was obvious. She was tired of tears, even happy ones. Eventually they released each other, and Kagome settled in his lap, leaning sideways against his chest. His arms looped loosely around her, their hands entwined in her lap. Neither knew what to say or do now, but the resulting silence was comfortable rather than awkward. Kagome allowed her mind to wander, down paths which she had always tried to avoid before, lest failing to travel them in reality cause further heartache. But now even her wildest fantasies didn’t seem so outlandish. For the first time, she didn’t feel like a lovesick fool for imagining a future, a real future, with Inuyasha. At last, those forbidden aspirations were within reach.
Except, she realized with a jolt, for one crucial detail…
A/N – Edited on 4/21/17 because at a couple points I mentioned Inuyasha’s ears lowering even though he is human. I should have known that I was going to do that! Thank you to the couple reviewers who pointed it out.
Truths
“Inuyasha?”
The instant her outstretched fingers touched his shoulder, Inuyasha seized violently, causing Kagome to jerk her arm back. He sat up suddenly, glancing all around, then down to his clawless hands and dark hair, and finally up at the full moon overhead. He seemed to experience a small measure of relief at these discoveries, but when he finally turned toward her, his expression transformed into one of horror. Following his gaze, Kagome noticed the red blotches marring her blouse, standing starkly against the white fabric. She stifled a grimace, knowing that the evidence of the bleeding made the shallow puncture wounds seem more severe than they actually were. She glanced up to find Inuyasha already stalking stiffly toward the well, his back rigid. When he turned toward her with her yellow backpack in hand, she could see the tenseness in his jaw. That, along with his silent refusal to meet her eyes, drove her to try to reassure him.
“It’s okay, Inuyasha, they’re not—”
“Please,” he murmured softly, his voice nearly cracking with repressed emotion. It was then that Kagome realized how much of a mistake it would be to try to talk him out of bandaging her wounds—or worse, refusing to allow him to do so. This was far more important for him than it was for her.
“Okay,” she replied gently. This, however, presented her with a new dilemma. The injuries were on her upper arms, almost to her shoulders. There was no way she could roll up the sleeves of her blouse that far. That left removing the blouse as the only option, which was problematic for other obvious reasons. But she couldn’t let modesty stand in the way of this, not if she wanted to be able to talk to her guilt-ridden companion this evening. Inuyasha would clearly be in no shape to carry on any kind of conversation until her wounds were properly dressed—and until he saw with his own eyes that they weren’t as bad as he feared. Of course, none of this meant that this would be a comfortable experience. Well, I suppose it’s no more humiliating than what happened back at camp…
Unsure how to alert Inuyasha to the problem, she hesitantly began untying the ribbon hanging at her chest, shooting him a meaningful glance. It took a moment or two, but he got the message. Kagome was actually relieved to see him blush and swiftly spin around. He stood there with his arms folded over his chest, tapping his foot, the picture of anxious embarrassment. The sight inspired a tentative smile; it had been far too long since she had last seen the Inuyasha she knew. All it took was him somehow turning human on the night of the full moon. Hopefully they could figure out how and why this happened later. For now, she had to let him patch up her injuries, and hopefully assuage his guilt in the process. To that end, she removed her blouse and held it against her front for modesty’s sake. This unfortunately left her entire back bare save for the straps of her bra, but she trusted Inuyasha not to take any unnecessary liberties.
“Okay,” she told him, unable to prevent her voice from trembling slightly, though whether this stemmed from her nerves or from the chilly night air she couldn’t be sure. Inuyasha turned to face her and swallowed hard, perhaps from seeing her in a state of undress, or perhaps because he was humbled that she was allowing him to do this, especially when he had inflicted the injuries in the first place. In any case, he stared at her for only a moment or two, and then got down to business, kneeling by her side and pulling the first aid kit out of her bag. He ministered to her with seemingly practiced hands, which Kagome found odd because to her knowledge he had never done this before. I guess it’s from watching me patch up his wounds so many times. Granted, usually when she tried to bandage an injury this small, he griped at her for worrying about a ‘flesh wound.’ But mending the physical damage is the easy part, she reflected, contemplating everything which had transpired between them. She knew better than to voice that observation out loud.
As Inuyasha worked, Kagome took the opportunity to study him more closely. There were small splotches of mud in his hair and on his clothes, as though he’d rolled around in a swamp and then hastily washed himself off before coming here. The ‘why’ was yet another aspect of the mystery. There were so many questions; if she allowed herself to be consumed by them, then she would never be able to bite her tongue until her companion was finished. So for both of their sakes, she attempted to purge the uncertainties from her mind and focus on the here and now, specifically Inuyasha’s tender ministrations. If he noticed her attention, he didn’t comment on it. Perhaps he truly didn’t notice, so single-minded was his determination. He wore a perpetual scowl, his face scrunched up in concentration. In other circumstances Kagome might have found the expression quite adorable.
Finally he sat back on his heels, silently seeking her approval. Kagome was about to thank him when a full-body shiver passed through her, this time most definitely from the cold. She reached for her bag, knowing there was a clean blouse and probably a jacket in there.
“Here,” Inuyasha muttered, already working the ties to his suikan. Kagome’s first thought was to politely decline—she had other clothes and he was only human himself right now—but the guarded look in his eyes stopped her. He was trying to hide how much her acceptance or refusal of his robe would mean to him, likely almost as much as allowing him to bandage her wounds. How could she say no?
“Thank you,” she replied instead, taking the garment. Inuyasha closed his eyes while she slipped it on. This wasn’t a night for bare arms, so instead of utilizing his sleeves as a makeshift obi as she’d done before, she tied the sleeves of her blouse around her middle instead. She probably looked pretty goofy; the suikan was baggy on Inuyasha and practically swallowed her smaller frame, never mind the ridiculous ‘belt.’ But it was warm, his residual body heat comforting, and most importantly Inuyasha relaxed visibly when he opened his eyes and saw her wearing it.
This was not to say that all was well with him. Clearly that was not the case. Once again he took to staring at the ground between them, his brow furrowed in consternation. Kagome waited impatiently for him to say something, until finally she could take the silence no longer.
“Inuyasha—”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
Kagome blinked, his sudden statement having caught her off guard. She received the distinct impression that he was talking about more than the wounds on her arms, but she had to know for sure.
“Forgive you…for what?”
“For those,” he answered, pointing to her arm. “For…what I said earlier. For being a complete bastard. For everything.”
By the time he finished, he had slumped over in utter dejection, as though the reminder of his offenses would cause her to unleash whatever pent-up anger she held inside. No doubt he thought he deserved whatever was coming to him. Be that as it may, his obvious remorse spoke to her. It smothered him, weighing down shoulders usually so strong, a spirit normally so vibrant. She never wanted to see him like this again. But that begged the question, could she really forgive him for everything?
“Are you truly sorry for all of those things?”
He nodded, daring to make eye contact for a sliver of a moment. But it was enough for Kagome to catch a glimpse of the hope he tried so hard to hide, shining through the dark depths of fear, an all-consuming terror that he had ruined everything. It breathed life back into her withered heart, and gave her the courage to do the right thing.
“Then…I forgive you.”
He stared at her for a long time, hope and gratitude suppressed by utter disbelief. “Why?” he finally asked, the most basic question in the world, and yet, the most complex.
Kagome smiled sadly. You know why. I told you earlier, back at camp.
“Because you’re my friend,” she replied instead. “And that’s what friends do.” There. It was the truth, if not the whole truth. If Inuyasha didn’t return her feelings—and she was reasonably certain that he didn’t—then hopefully he wouldn’t bring up the subject of her confession. Please, just pretend it never happened.
“Thank you,” he muttered in an awestruck tone. His lower jaw trembled briefly before he clenched it, and he swore under his breath as he wiped a couple rogue tears away. Kagome averted her gaze, knowing how much he hated showing his emotions more easily on his human nights. That brought her back to the issue of why he was human this night. It was finally time to get her questions answered.
“Inuyasha, why are you human? I don’t think it was my spiritual energy. I mean, it wasn’t all because of my spiritual energy. I didn’t use that much power. And you didn’t transform fully until after the power wore off. You were just writhing on the ground, and then…” she trailed off, realizing that she was rambling, her voice rising frantically in pitch with every word. She took a deep breath, then finished much more calmly.
“What in the world is going on, Inuyasha?”
“I’m not entirely sure,” he admitted with a grimace, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Maybe…we can figure it out together?”
He blushed but nodded, apparently willing to try.
“Okay,” she declared, clapping her hands together with determination. “Let’s start at the beginning.”
“The beginning, huh?” he repeated, his eyes going unfocused for a moment. Kagome waited for him to find the right words, but several times he opened his mouth only to clam up again, his frown deepening all the while.
“Inuyasha, whatever you’re thinking, just say it. I’m not going to judge you.”
He shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s just…every time I think of something it seems so stupid.”
“Well, tell me anyway,” she instructed, smiling in encouragement. “We’re going to figure it out together, remember?”
Inuyasha heaved a long-suffering sigh. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he muttered. Then after another sigh and a short pause, he finally took her advice, his words carrying the conversation in an entirely unexpected direction.
“Do you agree that there’s really only one ‘Inuyasha?’” he asked suddenly, the question leaving Kagome a bit flummoxed.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, no matter what form I took, I was always still the same person on the inside. Except for when I transformed into a youkai after Tetsusaiga broke,” he added after a moment. “That wasn’t me. I don’t murder people for fun. That shit ain’t me.”
“Of course not,” she agreed.
He nodded gratefully. “So when I transformed into a youkai before, it was like someone else was in control of my body. But…it isn’t like that when I become human. On moonless nights, I don’t become another person, I just get more sensitive,” he spat, as though the word left a sour taste in his mouth.
“I see what you’re saying now,” Kagome acknowledged. “You don’t turn into someone else when you become human. Your personality just changes a little bit.”
“Exactly,” he replied, seemingly relieved that she could understand his stream of consciousness. “And then, when I became a full-fledged youkai…I thought it was the same.”
“So…your youkai side didn’t take over after that day with the hamster?”
“No,” he answered despondently. “I was still in control. The only time he took over was right before I came here tonight. Everything I did before that, everything I said…it was all me.”
Kagome digested that in silence for a moment. It had obviously cost Inuyasha a lot to admit such a thing, and she had already forgiven him, so she wouldn’t dwell on it. Besides, she wasn’t quite ready to completely buy into his assumption that he was fully responsible for everything.
“But, it seemed like you got wor—I mean, you changed more and more over time.”
“It’s okay,” he replied bitterly, “you can say it. I did get worse. In the beginning, maybe it was like the reverse of a moonless night. Maybe I just became less sensitive. But eventually…you were right, Kagome. I became a total bastard. Someone even you didn’t recognize anymore.”
Inuyasha hung his head, and Kagome’s heart went out to him. She ardently wished that she could deny his assertion, but she couldn’t lie to him. Not about this. Fortunately, the pieces of the puzzle were starting to fall into place.
“I think I understand,” she told him, drawing a hopeful gaze. “When you become human, your humanity influences your personality. And when you became a full-fledged youkai, your youkai side influenced your personality as well, in the opposite direction. But then, because your youkai side is so much more…forceful, than your human side, and because you stayed a youkai for so long, it influenced you more and more until finally…”
“That actually…makes a lot of sense,” Inuyasha declared after a brief pause. Then he scowled and clenched his fists. “I’m such a fucking idiot. I didn’t even notice anything while it was happening. I just kept saying, ‘I’m still Inuyasha,’ ignoring all of you trying to tell me otherwise. Damn moron! I didn’t even realize how much my youkai side was influencing me until…until tonight, after I said those horrible things to you…”
“It’s all right, Inuyasha,” Kagome tried, only to have him shake his head vigorously. Evidently his actions were still most definitely not ‘all right’ with him, even though she had already forgiven him. This was something she would have to deal with later, but for now there were still mysteries left to solve, and his silence had given her an opportunity to change the subject.
“That still doesn’t explain why you’re human now.”
If she was hoping he would have some insight on that point, she was disappointed. He seemed just as perplexed as she, and to make matters worse, his eyes were downcast and colored heavily with remorse once again. She needed to get him in a better state of mind before continuing their conversation. She reached out and took one of his hands in both of her own. He flinched, but did not pull away.
“Inuyasha, look at me,” she pleaded. He complied, but only to the point of gazing miserably at some portion of the mass of red fabric covering her torso. Rolling her eyes, she reached out with one hand and gently raised his chin. His eyes registered shock, then slid shut briefly as her fingers trailed lovingly along his jawbone. He subconsciously leaned into the contact, the gesture causing butterflies to flutter in Kagome’s stomach. When he finally opened his eyes again, she saw humility, awe, gratitude, and…something else which she didn’t dare to name. Swallowing nervously, she cleared her mind of all else and focused on the love which she harbored for this man.
“Inuyasha, I know you’re not ready to accept that I’ve forgiven you…or to forgive yourself. That’s fine. It will come eventually. Right now, we need to figure out what’s happening to you, to us. If we can do that, then everything else will fall into place. Will you help me?”
There it was again, that light in his eyes, that teasing specter which her mind told her could not possibly be what she desperately hoped it was. Her heart wanted to believe, but she couldn’t…she just couldn’t. Fortunately it vanished after a moment, replaced by strong resolve. Inuyasha nodded in determination, putting on his best ‘battle face.’ Kagome chuckled, shaking her head slightly. Count on Inuyasha to treat having a heartfelt conversation the same as mortal combat. The wind whispered through the surrounding trees, causing the branches to sway, the sound giving Kagome inspiration for a way to make both of them a little more comfortable.
“Come on,” she told him, standing and pulling him to his feet, then leading him toward Goshinboku. Small movement off to her right caught her attention, and she spied Kirara trotting through the underbrush. ‘Thank you,’ she mouthed, unsure if the fire-cat got her message. She would have to properly express her gratitude later; the fact that Kirara was acting as lookout was allowing them to have this conversation away from prying eyes and probing ears. They sat side-by-side against Goshinboku, their knees nearly touching. Through it all, Inuyasha never made any move to release her hand. Finally, after they were settled, Kagome picked up where they had left off.
“So, can you tell me what happened after you…left camp?”
Inuyasha was clearly reluctant to answer, likely from a combination of shame and embarrassment, but he hesitated only briefly before recounting the tale. He told her of his misadventures in the forest, of a guilt-stricken imagination run wild, and of finding rock bottom in a patch of mud. He told her how he had seen the truth for the first time, and of his inner dialogue with his youkai side. Kagome sensed that he was leaving out much of that conversation, but she let it pass. Finally, he described how his youkai side had taken over, determined to seal the well behind her.
“It would have worked, too,” he observed bitterly. “When I did finally wake up, I would have fallen under the influence of my youkai side again. So…I probably wouldn’t have even cared that you were gone.”
Kagome squeezed his hand and smiled at him reassuringly, comprehending the truth of that statement and not holding it against him. As far as she was concerned, he hadn’t been in his right mind for over two weeks. Sitting next to her was the real Inuyasha, his personality of course slightly altered due to his current humanity. But that didn’t change the contents of his heart; it only allowed him to reveal them more easily. This Inuyasha cared very much whether she remained by his side, as he always had. Judging by the strength of his grip, he would be completely heartbroken if she left. Even, perhaps, to the extent of suffering the same pain that she would feel. Again, she didn’t dare contemplate what that might mean.
“There’s one thing I don’t get, though,” he stated, apparently comforted by her silent support. “If I was so heavily influenced by my youkai side, then why did I ‘wake up’ in the first place? Why was I able to see the truth at all? And how the hell am I human right now?”
“That sounds like more than one thing,” Kagome teased, in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Keh!” he responded, to which her smile widened, before her expression turned serious once more. It was odd, she reflected, to make a joke in a situation like this. Perhaps she was comfortable doing so because she already knew the answers to all of Inuyasha’s questions. At least, she thought she did. It had come to her as she compared the Inuyasha sitting beside her to the one she had traveled with for the past two weeks, as she contemplated everything that made them different. It came down, as matters of great spiritual importance often did, to a trinity, the same trinity which defined all sentient beings.
“Your body may have been that of a full-fledged youkai,” she stated solemnly, as he listened at rapt attention. “But you still have a caring soul, and a loving heart. I think when you…said what you said, those parts of you could no longer remain silent. In the end, your true self shone through.”
Both of their faces were flushed by the time she finished speaking, but Kagome was proud of herself for making it through without stuttering. She was relieved to see that Inuyasha accepted her words, despite his embarrassment.
“By my ‘true self,’ do you mean my humanity?”
She gently shook her head. “Not necessarily. You’ve always been two halves combined into one whole, Inuyasha. Your youkai side is tough. It gave you the strength to survive in this world. It also gives you the drive, and the ability to protect me and the others. Your humanity gives you emotions, allows you to feel, to have friends who care for you. But to me, what makes you ‘Inuyasha’ isn’t one side or the other, it’s the combination. I…I miss the hanyou. I miss the real Inuyasha, the one who became my best friend, the one I fell in l—”
She cut herself off at the last instant, cursing her carelessness. Hadn’t she determined not to bring that up again? Inuyasha could be pretty dense at times, but even he couldn’t miss so obvious a reminder. Now he would feel bound to give her a definitive answer, one which she dreaded with every logical fiber of her being. He would have to tell her that he either didn’t or couldn’t return her feelings. She hoped her already fractured heart would survive the blow. Releasing his hand, she clenched both of her hands in her lap, looking away from him with her eyes tightly closed. Please…please just let it go. Let me hold onto my foolish hope for a little longer.
An oppressive silence ensued. It seemed as though the forest itself was holding its breath. Kagome began to feel cautious optimism; perhaps he really had missed her near slip, or was willing to let it go?
“Kagome?”
She cringed, turning further away from him, her arms coming up to encircle her torso, as if to prevent her heart from tumbling out.
“Kagome, look at me,” he pleaded, repeating her words from earlier. Still she refused. His voice sounded so sincere, so devoid of remorse, as though he was somehow not worried about hurting her anymore. That just meant her grief was causing her senses to play tricks on her. You have a family and friends who love you. You are strong. You will get through this.
Her fragile resolve was scattered to the winds when she felt his hand cup her cheek. She could muster no resistance as he gently turned her to face him. She barely managed to keep her eyes closed, stubborn hope nearly outweighing the fear of learning the contents of his gaze. If she saw his eyes…that would be it. She would know for sure. It was easier to keep her eyes closed. Then she felt the warm press of his lips, feather-light against her own. Her eyelids squeezed painfully, nevertheless failing to hold back her tears. This is it. The last kiss he will ever give me. The warmth of his lips faded away, replaced by a creeping numbness. Perhaps it was better that way. Perhaps it would make it easier to hold herself together.
He pulled away after only a couple seconds. Despite her resolve, she found herself missing his presence. She was utterly hopeless. How did it happen? How did he somehow acquire this power over her, this ability to break or restore her on a whim? Never before had she felt so weak.
As before, his touch scattered her thoughts. He cupped her cheek again, the pad of his thumb wiping away her tears. She found herself leaning unconsciously into his caress, somehow drawing comfort from her weakness this time. He called her name again, and she hesitantly opened her eyes.
What she saw astounded her, shocked her to her very core. His eyes were slightly guarded, as though he had not completely banished his own lingering fears. But they had never been so open to her, so warm, so overflowing with affection. With…love?
“Kagome…about what you said before…”
She was torn. Torn between begging him to forget her words and encouraging him to continue. In the end, all she could do was sit there, mouth agape, every nerve in her body tingling as she waited for him to say whatever he intended to say. To her dismay, he broke off his current course and settled on a more indirect path.
“Earlier, when I was struggling with my youkai side, when he was trying to convince me that everyone would be better off if I became a full-fledged youkai and let you go…it wasn’t my own strength of will that brought me to my senses. It wasn’t guilt, and it wasn’t loyalty either. What brought me back was…you. Only you. If you hadn’t said…what you said, then I don’t think you ever would have seen me again. I never would have become myself again. I’m here because…because you said you loved me, and I…I…”
He clammed up then, his nerves finally getting the better of him. Kagome reached out, with halting movements as though in a trance, and clasped his hand where it rested on his knee. She tried to convey all of her love, everything she felt for him, as the last of the numbness faded and her heart beat strongly within her chest, sending currents of warmth throughout her body. She still felt weak, as she hung on his every word. But it appeared that Inuyasha understood this particular infirmity well. To entrust one’s heart to another, and to receive that person’s heart in return. Was that not the very essence of love? Was that not beautiful?
The lines of tension left his face, as he turned his hand and grasped hers tightly. His spirits restored, his apprehension soothed, he finally found the courage to meet her ardent gaze and say what he needed to say.
“Because…I feel the same.”
Kagome sobbed, somehow unprepared for his confession despite her intuition that it was coming. More tears flowed forth, but she didn’t try to hold them back. They were proof of her happiness, along with her brilliant smile. An expression which Inuyasha matched, as the dappled moonlight glowed radiantly in his eyes. He reached up with both hands to wipe away her tears, holding her tenderly, making her feel cherished. She lay one of her hands over his own, entwining their fingers. Then his gaze lowered to her lips, and he leaned toward her. Kagome shifted her position, moving her legs underneath her so she too could lean forward, drawn in by undeniable yearning as she met him halfway.
Again she felt the warm press of his lips, firmer this time, a wondrous combination of confidence and hesitance on both of their parts. The latter quickly gave way to the former, as Kagome experienced a profound contentment, as though her entire life had led her to this moment. She had dreamt of their first kiss before, many times in fact, but it had never been quite like this. And yet, this was everything that a first true kiss was supposed to be. Time seemed to slow, as each moment confirmed for her that his feelings were genuine, that he loved her as much as she loved him. It had seemed impossible just a few short minutes ago, but now, the opposite seemed unfathomable. So complete a reversal, so beautiful a kiss. All thanks to the strength of a hanyou’s heart, and a long overdue confession.
They separated simultaneously, reluctantly pulling away from each other, but only for a moment. Kagome raised herself to her knees and threw her arms around Inuyasha’s neck, leaning her head against his shoulder.
“Baka,” she breathed, smiling to herself at the familiar insult. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Keh,” Inuyasha muttered, his arms encircling her form, returning the embrace. “Did you forget who you’re talkin’ to, wench?”
Kagome chuckled merrily, her mirth bubbling over, irrepressible. Between laughing and crying, the choice was obvious. She was tired of tears, even happy ones. Eventually they released each other, and Kagome settled in his lap, leaning sideways against his chest. His arms looped loosely around her, their hands entwined in her lap. Neither knew what to say or do now, but the resulting silence was comfortable rather than awkward. Kagome allowed her mind to wander, down paths which she had always tried to avoid before, lest failing to travel them in reality cause further heartache. But now even her wildest fantasies didn’t seem so outlandish. For the first time, she didn’t feel like a lovesick fool for imagining a future, a real future, with Inuyasha. At last, those forbidden aspirations were within reach.
Except, she realized with a jolt, for one crucial detail…
A/N – Edited on 4/21/17 because at a couple points I mentioned Inuyasha’s ears lowering even though he is human. I should have known that I was going to do that! Thank you to the couple reviewers who pointed it out.