InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stay With Me ❯ Part I ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Inuyasha, nor do I own Stay with Me by  Danity Kane, which this one-shot is based out of, though it is not really a songfic.

A/N:  The first and second parts of this story are told in first person viewpoint, and the third is told in third person.  The reason for this should become clear as you read.  Also, listening to Stay with Me while reading just adds something to the story.  The song is just perfect for this pairing.

~oOo~

Part I

~oOo~

I can't remember when my determination to always be by your side became so firm inside me that I would go to any lengths to keep that promise, I just know that it did, and that I would.

It could have been the time that you left me alone in the dark and the rain to go to her.  I reached out to you, only to watch you walk away with your shoulders hunched and your koinu ears flattened to your head.  I couldn't do anything but stand there waiting for you to come back, the picture of you so desolate burned into my mind as my heart broke yet again.

Or... maybe it was the time you came back from seeing her with so much agony in your eyes that my spirit rose up inside me with overwhelming determination to heal you in any way I could.  I knew then that I would do absolutely anything to see you smile, a true smile, even die.  Inside, I was still begging you to stay with me, but I knew that you wouldn't.  And no matter how much anguish it gave me, I could never voice my wish for that, because it would be selfish... and besides, I only wanted you to stay if it's what you wanted, too.   I loved you enough to let you go to her, even if it killed me.

Which it would, because I can't live without you.  You just don't know this.  And I would never tell you, because that would be manipulation.  You have to freely choose to stay with me for it to mean anything, to be valid.  It has to be your choice alone, and that's what our friends never understood.  They didn't seem to comprehend why I never actually stopped you from going to her.   Why I never tried to push myself forward more into your mind, into your heart.

The truth was, my pain was my own fault, and I went into it willingly for your sake.  I knew you had other obligations, and I still gave my heart to you.  I built my world around you, and so I could hardly blame you when the reality that it was going to fall apart around me one day finally came to me.

Of course, it could have been the time that you told me that you needed me when we were separated by five hundred years, the Tree of Ages - on top of the woman who held your soul in her hands.  We sure have a lot of things between us, don't we?  I almost have to laugh at that thought.  Unfortunately, I know my laugh will sound more like a sob, and so I won't release it where you can hear it.  That would make you feel guilty, and you've got enough guilt on your shoulders to kill a thousand people – I won't add to it any more.

Yes... I have added to your pain.  And I hate myself for that – for letting you see my hurt all those times.  For getting angry when you would go to her.  I'm only human, and I can't help how I feel – I'm in love with you, after all.  But I can blame myself for letting you see my pain.  This burden isn't yours to bear – it's only mine.

But once you told me you needed me with you... I knew for sure.  I could never ask you to stay with me – but I could swear to stay with you.  And so I did.  I made a vow that neither time nor the kami could break, that I would stay with you no matter where that vow took me.

I wonder... if I'd told you about this vow, would you have figured out what would happen in the end?  Probably – people always took you as a little on the unintelligent side, but I knew they couldn't be more wrong.  And that's why I made my vow in silence, binding myself to you in secret so that you wouldn't have anymore guilt added to the severely scarred soul you carried.  You could hardly be held accountable for what someone else did in secret, ne?

And through all that happened I stayed by your side, loving you silently and doing what I could to heal your shattered heart, even though I knew that one day you'd give up your life to keep your own vow - one made to a broken remnant of a woman that was mostly trapped inside me.  The clay shell that walked the earth carried only a tiny sliver of the soul that had been placed inside me by the will of the kami.

So many times I felt guilt of my own... if I didn't have this soul, she could have lived again.  In a way, it was my fault that you were in so much pain in the first place, since my existence was anathema to your lover – because I lived, she could not.  I can't tell you how many times I thought of returning to dust, so the soul could move back into her – pretty much every time you went to her.  And the guilt, my own pain from my shattered heart, and your pain from grief, guilt, and love for her would coalesce inside me until I didn't know up from down.

But I wasn't a fool.  There was no way to return this soul to Kikyou.  If I died, she would, too, because the fraction of soul she carried was ordained by the kami to be born in me.  By their will, that soul truly belonged to me now, and should I let my life go, she would also pass on, that portion of the soul returning to join the rest of it in the long wait to be reincarnated again.  And no matter the times I grew so weary, so heartsick that I couldn't fathom going on another second in so much agony, I stayed alive... so that she could also remain on this plane of existence in the only way she still could.

Of course, once she gave up walking this world once more, and you followed her, the fact that I was bound to you wouldn't matter, because my death would not cause you any further loss – by then my life would be superfluous to her existence.

Did I know what my vow would end up meaning in the end?  Yes.  I was fully aware that one day, when you followed Kikyou to hell, I would also be bound to follow you to that place.  But not quite in the way you might think.

I realized when Kanna tried to steal my soul, after I was already missing the portion Kikyou had, and she couldn't because it was so large, what I could do to heal you.  Your soul was so damaged, so broken, jagged and desolate, that if I bound my soul directly to yours, I could heal you fully.  Then I would always be a part of you, even if only as a distant, faded shadow of a memory.   And perhaps the memory of Kikyou within my soul would grant you peace in death.  You would literally be soul mates then...

For you... I would do it.  Because I can never be free from you, Inuyasha.  I said I would do anything to see you happy, and I meant anything.  I would go into oblivion forever to take away all the sadness and pain you've suffered and give you a peace you've never known.  

And that's why I keep watching you walk away to Kikyou, over and over, and I don't really try to stop you.  I can't help that it hurts me, but that's natural, ne?  To be hurt when the one you love loves another?  It doesn't make me a bad person.  It just makes me human.  

I know that I will continue to hurt for you and about you until time ends and eternity implodes...

But it's worth it, just to be by your side.

I will still think so when it's time to go to hell with Kikyou.  I will stay with you, I will be with you forever, and then the forever after that... even if you forget me.

You are my whole world, Inuyasha... and you always will be.

Just like you I take my vows seriously – when I make a promise, I mean to keep it at all costs... and I swore to stay by your side...

… so I will.  Always.  Even in hell.



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