InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Stream of Consciousness: A LiveJournal Collection ❯ The Jakotsu Show -- Monsters Special ( Chapter 3 )

Title: The Jakotsu Show - Monsters Special

Community: inucomedyclub

Theme: The Monsters

Place Earned: 2nd

Genre: Crack

Rating: R

Word count: 648

Warnings: language

 

 

The Jakotsu Show - Monsters Special

 

“Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Jakotsu show! I'm your host, your favorite member of the Shichinintai, Jakotsu!” Loud cheers go up across the audience as both women and men alike swoon wistfully at our host's freshly shaven legs, beautifully revealed by his short kimono.

 

“Today is our monster special, the day where we hear the stories of all the unfortunate creatures and youkai victimized by the Inu-gang. Let's get to our first guest, and my personal favorite.” Jakotsu picks up the phone, twirling the cord around his finger daintily. “Hello, you there Sesshy-poo?”

 

“For the last time, this Sesshoumaru does not desire to have dinner with you. Stop calling.”

 

*click*

 

“Uh, well…moving on! Let's bring out some of our other guests!” More cheers fill the room as the motley crew of defeated misfits trudges in. Jakotsu motions to each one in turn and surrenders the microphone for a few seconds so they may speak. “The toad youkai from episode 8!”

 

“I just wanted to devour some pretty maidens, and that miko bitch burned me to a crisp!” The audience mumbles at that, unsympathetic as many of them are young maidens.

 

“Ok, how about Manten, younger of the Thunder Brothers from episodes 9 and 10?”

 

“I'm a hideous fish-guy with male pattern baldness, and that damn fox cost me my last few strands of hair! That's all I wanted, some hair so I could have better luck with the ladies. If that hanyou had offered me some of his I would have been happy, but instead he ran me through with his sword!”

 

“Awwwwwww,” the audience croons as one.

 

“Next is the giant fox-thing from episodes 61 and 62.”

 

“I was just following Tsubaki's orders. I'm really a vegetarian, but that cursed hanyou slashed me in half.”

 

“Poor little guy… I'm a vegan myself! Anywho, the next guest…well, I don't know who the next guest is, but let's talk to him anyway.”

 

“I am…Bob,” the cloaked figure says. “My only ambition is to complete the sacred jewel and bathe the world in my miasma. And kill Kikyou! MUST KILL KIKYOU!!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!!!” Dead silence grips the room as everyone glares at the not-so-mysterious speaker.

 

“Naraku,” Jakotsu declares, “get the fudge out of here!”

 

“B-but…”

 

“Sorry, but unless you die in the anime, you can't be on this show. Security!” The crowd applauds as Naraku is dragged away. “Now, on to the pig guy from episode 129?”

 

“I just wanted a harem of pretty wives to wait on me and have seventeen-somes with. I desired the simple life. But that damn miko shot an arrow in my butt, and now my peep doesn't work!”

 

“Ouch! That's too bad. Now let's hear from the thousands of dim-witted youkai the Inu-gang have slaughtered in 167 episodes.”

 

“BRAINS!!!”

 

“There's a buffet out back, so help yourselves. And now people, the final tale…my own. Yes, I'm afraid I have a sad story to tell as well. You see, what I wanted more than anything else in the whole world was to slice Inuyasha to pieces as I sodomized him. Was that too much to ask? I didn't think so. It was my way of expressing my love. I…I didn't know how else to tell him just how much he intrigued me. He was like the sun, and I was the giant Kami tearing it to pieces.” At this point, the entire audience is weeping as well as Jakotsu himself.

 

“He's a saint!” one of them cries.

 

“But that heterosexual bastard wouldn't even give me the time of day! He left me for dead, and that rat Renkotsu stole my jewel shard and killed me.” Drying his tears, Jakotsu recovers some of his composure. “Well, that's all for today's show. Join me tomorrow as I'll be hosting a very special Celebrity Deathmatch. It's Kikyou vs. Kagome on pay per view! Good night everyone!”