InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The King's Mistress ❯ Forbidden Passion ( Chapter 19 )

Author's Notes: Eeep!! This is a ridiculously long chapter! But lets just call it an olive branch after taking so long to update, okay? I don't want to hear any grief about updating this story rather than `Impossible Dreams' because, as I tell you all, I write where the inspiration is. I will never force a chapter just to meet the deadline or demand of readers. I do appreciate you all, but that doesn't mean I will write a chapter that is any less than the best I can do.

On that note, I think you'll all like this chapter. It's very juicy, filled with angst, fluff, and drama…the perfect combination to drive you all nuts, right? And, as the title of this chapter has probably already suggested to some of you, I ask that you heed the rating of this story and the reasons for it, remembering that it is a mature rating for a mature audience as it deals with some adult situations.

Anyway, now that I've given a little too much away, I'm going to shut up and let you all get on with your reading. Suffice it to say I haven't updated for a while because I've been very busy, and the only reason I've updated now is because I have a very bad case of the flu which has kept me home from school, giving me some extra time to write before I get bogged down with makeup work. So enjoy, everyone! Thanks for all your reviews!

 

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Historical Factoid:

 

Several of you have asked me how I feel about Henry VIII, since I'm not describing him in a very good light in this story. A lot have you have also brought up the point that Henry VIII is notorious for being overweight and ugly, so you're all wondering why I'm describing him as the handsome man that Kagome believes him to be. I figured I'd better set the record straight on both accounts.

 

Question One: I actually have a very high opinion of King Henry VIII. He was a brilliant man, with an ingenious sense when it came to politics and dealing with others. He was extremely athletic in his youth, and for a man who was never supposed to be King in the first place (his older brother Arthur was raised for that task) he did exceedingly well. However, around the time of Anne Boleyn, when he put aside his loyal wife Katherine of Aragorn, Henry's popularity plummeted both within England and throughout the world. People saw him as arrogant and selfish, which he was to a certain degree. Even those who knew him best said that while he was indeed kind and brilliant, Henry was also a spoiled man with a lot of pride and arrogance, and had an ego that had to be flattered regularly to keep him happy. So while he was a great ruler, he was also something of a rude, selfish man in other ways.

 

Question Two: It is a very common misconception that Henry VIII was fat and ugly his entire life. I even made this mistake when I first started learning about him. In fact, for a long time Henry was known as the Golden Prince of England, his looks and his athleticism renowned throughout the world. It was only later in life, as he was faced with disappointment after disappointment in both his wives and the state of his country, that he began to gain weight. The main cause of this, it is believed, was a riding accident during a joust that injured his leg and caused him to have a limp, along with a wound that never fully healed and always stank. Proud man that he was, this was hard for Henry, and he “let himself go” as we like to say today.

 

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Check out this Fan Art!

 

I'd like to draw your attention to some fanart done by one of my wonderful reviewers, Kelle. She drew this after being inspired by one of the chapters from this story. The link is below, though it has spaces between certain areas so it will show up on the page. Thanks so much, Kelle! You do beautiful work!

 

http: //www. Mediaminer .org/ fanart/view.php/ 175596

 

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Title: The King's Mistress

 

Author: dolphingirl0113

 

Chapter Eighteen: Forbidden Passion

 

Rating: PG-13 (for language and, at times, implied sexual situations)

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, nor do I take credit for several of the historical ideas, facts, and realities I have taken and used.

 

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I had never been more exhausted in my life. Thanks to the court's delay in the home of the South, my sister's wedding plans had all been pushed back by nearly a month, so that instead of being married in August she was now to be married in September. Suddenly I found myself not only fulfilling the duties of the Summer Maiden, but also acting as Kikyou's official assistant in all her planning, which meant, in the end, that I was taking over nearly every aspect of the plans so she could spend her time fending off the rumors swirling about herself and her former lover, Naraku.

 

And such rumors they were! I can recall some women even going so far as to suggest that Kikyou and Naraku were not only active lovers, but that they had gone so far as to sleep together in the King's own bed one night while he was up late in another room working on his foreign policy letters. Part of this was true; Inuyasha was much preoccupied with his letters to both King Henry VIII and Emperor Charles of Spain, and this had both he and Miroku holed up in one of his little studies for most of the day and night…and no one knew those details save for myself.

 

Not even Kikyou.

 

But, for once, I did not gloat at knowing such information whereas my sister did not. The rivalry we shared had begun to slowly fade, and, in truth, it was better that she not know about the crisis befalling the rest of the world for, knowing her, she would have panicked and had a nervous breakdown.

 

It had reached a point where my sister refused to even speak of Henry VIII in public, even when questioned about whether or not she knew what the King was up to in his study. This was because she knew that to do so would inevitably lead to someone mentioning the cause of all this international madness, Anne Boleyn, and that was something my sister could not afford to have happen. Kikyou understood very well that if she were to charm the court, she could not afford for others to compare her to the Great Whore, whom every good Christian had decided to despise.

 

But whenever she voiced such realities to me it would be all I could do to keep from laughing bitterly and telling her that I fit the role of the Great Whore much better than she did; after all, which of us, in truth, had betrayed the other by kissing the King? Most certainly not her.

 

I was miserable in my secret love for him. I hated knowing I had done something wrong, but hated more the fact that I was truly in love for the first time, and had to tell myself that it was wrong. Having believed in true love since I was a young girl and could begin to read some of my mother's beautiful romance novels, it stung to know that my love was tainted by the potential for adultery, forbidden because the man I loved would, in the end, have my sister in his bed.

 

Such thoughts would always cause rage, and jealously…oh, such jealousy…to boil within my blood, and even now, as I think back on it, I can recall the urge at times to reach for a glass and throw it across the room, hearing it shatter against the far wall.

 

You cannot imagine the torment, dear reader, that I was put through for so many months. Never had I loved so strongly, and I knew I never would again. My King was a man of honor and duty, but also of strength, capable of such passion and fierce emotion if he allowed his heart to take the reins. And yet I also loved my sister; and such a love is not possible to duplicate. It was a love that had been with me since the day I was born, along with a sense of loyalty and the need to protect.

 

I loved them both, and would never see them hurt on my account. As such, to make them both happy, I prepared to sacrifice my own happiness, day by day planning the wedding that would put Kikyou securely on the throne of a Queen forever…and place the love of my life far, far away from my reach…

 

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It was a warm night in late July, and all the court rejoiced in the fact that the sky was still light, which meant the great fireplaces did not have to be lit in order to entertain and be merry at dinner time.

 

Everyone seemed happy enough; the wine was flowing generously, servants rushing back and forth between the kitchens and the great hall with pitchers in hand, trying to keep up with the high demand, and there was laughter everywhere which grew louder and more boisterous every moment as the night wore on and the senses began to dull.

 

Only Kagome, it seemed, found herself lately growing weary of the boisterous crowds that flooded the banquet hall every night to have the honor of dining with their King. The endless chatter, the overwhelming collage of noises including the clanking of forks against plates and chairs scraping across the floor as people stood up and sat down, was fast becoming the trigger of many headaches, and the younger Higurashi sister desperately wished she could be elsewhere, dining alone, or perhaps with Sango or Shippou at her side.

 

She would have even been willing to dine alone with Kouga, for his cheerful personality was fast becoming her saving grace in what was otherwise a cruel and painful world.

 

Kagome was beginning to believe that perhaps it was no coincidence or chance of fate that had caused her to be engaged to the Lord of the North after all. For even though she loved another, in Kouga she had found a man who would be kind to her for the rest of her life…and that would have to be enough. More and more, Kagome found herself clinging to that truth just to keep her sanity in a world that was fast turning upside down.

 

It had now been three full weeks since the court had originally been scheduled to leave Kagura's home in the South and head for the castle of the West, home to Inuyasha's brother, Lord Sesshoumaru, and Kagome could tell the nobles were growing anxious not only to leave, but also to understand what could possibly be the matter that was causing their King to feel the need to stay rooted in one place (a place he so obviously despised) for so long.

 

Naturally this meant that new rumors were blazing through the court like a rampant wildfire, some more believable than others, and Kagome was forced, more than ever before, to be the one to try and douse such fires as best she could.

 

The King was sick, some people said; so sick that he was being forced by the physicians to stay in one place until he was well again. Others claimed it must have something to do with the situation abroad, and were afraid that their country would be pulled into the threat of war between Spain and England. And others still suggested that the delay was simply a matter of Inuyasha avoiding the moment when he would be forced to face his brother, since everyone knew how little the sons of Inutaisho got along.

 

All of this was harmless, and Kagome left most of the rumors to blaze for a while before billowing out on their own. But there was one rumor she could not allow to continue…and yet, naturally, that meant it was the one rumor that the court refused to let go of.

 

Many people were beginning to say that the King was having second thoughts about his upcoming marriage to Kikyou Higurashi. After all, they claimed, it couldn't be a coincidence that the wedding was pushed back due to this little delay of theirs.

 

It was a dangerous rumor to say the least, for the court was suggesting that their own King, the one man who could mean success or failure for Kikyou, was beginning to have his doubts. If that became a commonly believed thought, than the older Higurash sister didn't stand a chance.

 

Glancing up from where she sat at the banquet table, looking to her direct left at Inuyasha, Kagome sighed and recalled how she had told him, many times, about these rumors and how dangerous they were. She had suggested that he make a public announcement to the court about what was really going on so that they would stop assuming the worst.

 

She shuddered at the memory of that conversation. It had not gone well at all.

 

“Will you just listen to me for a moment?” She had all but screamed at him, feeling comfortable knowing no one could hear her through the thick door of Inuyasha's study…not with Miroku standing watch outside.

 

“I am listening to you, damn it! And what you're asking is not a possibility!”

 

“Why not?” Kagome had started pacing and waving her arms about frantically, annoyed at the fact that she was somewhat constrained by the sleeves of her yellow gown. “What's so hard about telling your people what you told me before? They wouldn't have to see the actual letters or anything…”

 

“No! No! No!” Inuyasha had glared at her, his temper boiling. But she hadn't been intimidated.

 

“And I ask you again: why not?”

 

“Because if they knew everything they would spin it out of control, and who knows what would happen then? I can't afford to have any information blown out of proportion or changed, and then have that get back to either Spain or England! It could mean war for us! You yourself pointed out that this is a very fine line we're walking right now!”

 

A servant placed a steaming bowl of hot stew before her, and Kagome was momentarily shaken from her memory as she took a bite with her spoon, allowing the soft meat and broth to warm her mouth for a time before swallowing, leaning her hand against her cheek thoughtfully.

 

“Yes, you are walking a fine line,” She had replied. “But you're failing to see that there is more than one fine line that needs to be handled!”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“I mean that the longer you stay silent, the worse the situation becomes for Kikyou!”

 

He had openly flinched at that, and Kagome knew he was just as aware of the precarious situation his future wife found herself in as she was. “I can't stop the court from talking, Kagome,” he had finally spoken in a quiet voice.

 

Kagome was reminded of a similar statement that Kikyou had made before, and had sighed in frustration. “I'm not saying you should tell them to stop talking, Inuyasha. I'm saying you should provide them with some actual information so that they can draw their own conclusions.”

 

“Keh, if you're so sure of yourself then why don't you tell them?”

 

She had flared at that statement. “Because for one thing you haven't told me that it's alright to disclose such information to anyone, and for another they won't listen to me!”

 

“Why the hell not?”

 

“Because I'm her sister, you idiot! Why else? They don't trust one word that I say anymore because they've all decided that I'm only defending her, and that I'd say anything to clear her name.”

 

Inuyasha had narrowed his eyes at her before whirling away and turning his back on her, heaving a huge sigh. “This is what I get for telling a woman anything!”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

He whirled on her once more. “You know what I mean! I tell you one thing, ask for your advice once, and suddenly you think you have the right to tell me what to do in every aspect of my life!”

 

“I thought we were friends! I thought friends gave each other advice!”

 

“A woman will not advise me on how to handle my own court!”

 

That had snapped what little control had remained, and Kagome had to physically keep herself from launching forward and clawing at his face with her hands. “Are you implying that I don't know how to handle others?”

 

“Take it to mean what you will; like any woman, you'll spin whatever I say into some kind of an insult!” He had waved his hand for the door. “Now get out, and from now on stick to what you're good at Kagome; planning parties and weddings!”

 

Several people shot her curious looks, and Kagome blinked in surprise as she realized that she was so upset her hand was shaking, splattering small droplets of soup from her spoon onto the table. Blushing, she gently set the spoon back in the bowl and placed her hands in her lap, wringing them together under the table where no one could see.

 

The memory of that argument…of what he had said…still burned fresh in her mind even though it had been nearly two days ago, and ever since Kagome had refused to speak with him about anything. He had even attempted to contact her, sending her a brief message with Miroku that she was wanted in his study, but Kagome had openly (and foolishly, she now decided) refused the request, for the first time ever disobeying anything akin to a command from her King.

 

Now it was as thought there was a huge rift between them, and tears came to her eyes as Kagome thought about how it felt more and more like that rift was widening.

 

Oh Inuyasha…I'm so sorry…

 

Her heart wailed at the thought that he hated her, or worse, believed that she was stubborn and useless. She had felt so happy when he'd come to her for advice, making her feel, for the first time in her life, like her opinion mattered; like her presence mattered. For once she had been more than just Kikyou Higurashi's younger sister and rival…more than just a living, breathing measuring stick by which her older sister was judged, and vice versa.

 

But now she was once again nothing more than the Summer Maiden who was soon to be banished forever from her beautiful home, never to see her family or friends again, and…her heart clenched at the thought…never to see Inuyasha again either.

 

“Kagome?” She shook her head and looked over at Kouga, seated, as usual, to her right, a concerned look in his eyes even though his usual smile was in place. “What's wrong? You seem far away tonight, and I don't know what that means for me.”

 

Kagome did her best to smile for the wolf man, wanting to assure him that all was okay, desperate to make sure she didn't isolate any of the friends she had left, especially the friend who she would soon be marrying, for she had decided that she did indeed consider Kouga a dear friend now. “I'm fine, Kouga…just a little tired, that's all.”

 

“But your hand was shaking a minute ago as though you had the ailment of an old woman,” he pressed, touching her shoulder kindly. “Are you sure that's all?”

 

At first, Kagome opened her mouth to affirm her previous statement, but then, without thinking, looked away as tears began to spill out the corners of her eyes, and it was all she could do to keep the sobs from shaking her body to its very core. “Forgive me, my lord…I am not well.”

 

Kouga leapt forward at that, out of his chair and on his knees at her side in an instant, bringing her face around to meet his own, his forehead touching hers. “Kagome, please tell me what's wrong…I want to help you, but I just don't know how.”

 

There was such care in his voice, such concern, and Kagome found herself clinging to that as though she had been starved of affection her entire life. And, in a way, she had…she'd been starved of the affection of men her entire life, until now. They had always adored her sister, but it had not been until now, when Kagome had loved one of those men, that she had felt at all lonely. Unfortunately, now that she did, she felt like the loneliest young woman in the entire world, and Kouga's kindness was her only beacon of light now that Inuyasha had apparently rejected even her friendship as well.

 

“I…” She began to speak, but then suddenly became aware of the fact that nearly everyone on their half of the large dining table was staring at the pair curiously, wondering what was going on to have Kouga on his knees and the Lady Kagome apparently near tears.

 

Blushing, Kagome shook her head and rose to her feet, bringing Kouga with her and leaning into his strong frame for support as he placed a hand on her elbow to guide her wherever she wished to go. “I think I'm in the mood for a stroll in the gardens, my lord,” she announced in what she hoped was a cheerful voice, no matter how artificial it sounded to her.

 

Instantly catching her meaning, Kouga nodded, though he did not smile, and began guiding her around her chair and towards the door.

 

But as she turned, Kagome stumbled on her blue skirts and was forced to catch herself on the nearest available sturdy object, which turned out to be the outstretched arm of none other than Inuyasha.

 

What an odd picture that made, with Kagome leaning against the King's arm, his deep amber eyes gazing into her own with concern as he tried to understand what was going on, all the while Kouga still having a hold about her waist from behind. If the mood had not been so tense, Kagome thought she might have actually laughed, for no expert painter could have ever created a more perfect scene to portray the chaos that had become her life.

 

Blinking, almost afraid to move, Kagome blushed from her head to her toes as she slowly moved away from Inuyasha, bowing her head slightly as a curtsy would have been impossible with her legs still in an extremely off-balance stance. “Fo-forgive me, Your Majesty, it was an accident.”

 

Inuyasha continued to look at her, his gaze unwavering, before finally looking away and grunting, waving his arm, the same arm that had caught her, before him in a casual gesture of indifference. “It is forgotten.”

 

Regaining her footing, Kagome curtsied quickly, muttered a soft thank you that only Inuyasha with his sharp ears could hear, and hurriedly exited the room with Kouga fast on her heels, leaving the rest of the court to stare after the young woman and her betrothed with curious eyes.

 

“Well that was interesting,” Kikyou commented offhandedly, trying to sound like she wasn't troubled from where she sat in her seat beside Inuyasha, dressed in her famous red and white colors, the gown itself beautifully spun of silk and velvet with her preferred tight sleeves. A servant came and offered her a new goblet of wine, which she waved away with a casual flick of her hand, looking for all the world like the Queen she would soon become; just as she and Kagome had planned.

 

Taking a piece of fruit from the plate before her, she placed it in her mouth, all the while frowning, her lips pursed, deep in thought. She knew very well the sacrifices Kagome was making in terms of her personal happiness by helping her. She was well aware of the rumors Kagome did her best to smother; the rumors that placed herself with Naraku in the courtyard, behind the shrubs, in a dark hallway…the location changed, but the implication was always the same.

 

Kikyou shuddered.

 

Such rumors were hard enough to bear without any excess worry, but on top of it all, it appeared that Naraku was actually trying to foster the rumors by placing her in compromising positions, pulling her aside in a public place to “speak” with her about a matter of importance, only to leave a moment later once he was sure they had been seen with their heads bent in conversation.

 

God, how she hated him now! How could he possibly be the same man she had loved before?

 

Kikyou sighed, knowing, deep down, that he wasn't. He was no longer Onigumo, the rogue with the dark eyes and hair, whose laugh had once filled her life with so much joy. That man was gone from her life forever, having been killed slowly, day by day in the Tower, no doubt locked in a cell with little light, barely being fed, with only the rats to keep him company…

 

Sharply, almost violently, the future Queen shook her head from side to side several times to clear her mind of such thoughts. She would be damned if she felt sorry for him now. After all, it was Onigumo's fault in the first place that Inutaisho had been so unwilling to pardon him, despite the fact that he had been charged with a crime he did not commit. Had he not been involved in such shady dealings in the past, the King might have been willing to hear reason.

 

And, Kikyou reasoned, even more then that there was something that hit her heart in the center with a powerful sting: if Onigumo had not been such a shady character already, she would have been more willing to sacrifice her reputation and virtue publicly to save him.

 

The fruit in her mouth was easily swallowed, leaving a cool feeling in her throat that was pleasant enough to convince her it was worth having another piece. Seeing eyes on her from all sides, as was customary now as everyone seemed to be watching her for signs of treachery, Kikyou smiled widely for all to see as she reached for the plate once more, this time making sure she was extra dainty as she popped the fruit into her mouth.

 

“Kagome…” She sighed her sister's name, wishing she had not left, yearning for the younger girl's sparkling personality and comforting presence.

 

It was as though all their animosity had been forgotten in this troubling time; as though neither had ever forgotten what it had been like before, when they were as close as sisters could be, relying on one another for support and loving each other as much as two sisters could love.

 

Any other woman would have held a grudge for such harsh treatment for so many years. Any other woman would have required some form of proof that reconciliation was possible, or asked for some form of payment before throwing her heart so fully into the role of protector…but not Kagome. Kagome had willingly sacrificed her own comfort, shattered her perfect world, and risked tainting her pristine reputation all for the sake of an older sister who, for over three years, had ignored her completely or, when together, had treated her like an inferior being.

 

Only Kagome could be capable of such forgiveness, and for this Kikyou would be forever grateful, and had already thanked God every day for granting such a faithful, steady presence in her life which had been turned upside down.

 

Glancing to her left, Kikyou watched Inuyasha, who had not moved once since Kagome had left, knowing full well that he had been watching her before. She did not know what was between the two of them, but she was not so blind as to ignore the fact that there was indeed something.

 

Still, Kikyou knew that Kagome would never do anything so foolish as to pursue anything romantic with Inuyasha, and she doubted it had gotten that far anyway as both would have put up barriers if that were the case.

 

No, she felt that, more likely than anything else was the possibility that the two had grown closer out of necessity as Kagome acted as Kikyou's protector, sometimes with the need of enlisting Inuyasha's help. And, because of this, Kikyou didn't mind, but instead willed herself to be blind as she concentrated on her own task, which was keeping the court from noticing too much of what was going on between herself and Naraku.

 

“What are you thinking of, Inuyasha?” She called out merrily, trying to make it seem as though all was well between herself and her fiancé. She wanted the court to believe that the King was happy in his choice of wife, so that all comparisons between herself and Anne Boleyn would stop.

 

Inuyasha turned slightly to look at her, at Kikyou's smiling face, the smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and sighed. The more he thought about it, the more he believed that her smile had never really quite reached her eyes, but that he had never noticed before until Kagome entered his life and demonstrated for him what a true smile could be.

 

“Nothing of importance,” he finally replied, unsure of what else he could say.

 

She laughed, the sound beautiful and rich, and the hanyou, in spite of himself and his earlier thoughts, felt drawn to that sound which had so enchanted him before. Perhaps he was allowing her magic again simply because he was desperate for some security in this mad world…this world where common sense told him that the right woman was sitting at his side, where she should be, while his heart was beginning to move in a different direction…

 

“Perhaps what you are thinking of is important to me, the woman who is to marry you,” Kikyou continued in her flirtatious voice, ever the perfect courtier, even now when she would soon wear his crown. He wondered if she would ever feel the satisfaction of being completely successful, or if she would be doomed to forever wonder at her security now that Naraku had reentered her life.

 

For that, Inuyasha felt sorry for her, and managed to give her a kind look despite his otherwise foul mood. “I appreciate your interest, Kikyou, but I assure you I was thinking of nothing important.”

 

Her face warmed for a moment in genuine appreciation at his honesty, and she nodded in acceptance. “Well perhaps one of us should go to find out whether or not my sister is alright.”

 

At the mention of Kagome, Inuyasha felt his control melt away, recalling the way her face had been full of pain as she'd turned and stumbled, and then the nervousness when she'd realized it had been his arm she'd fallen upon. Since when had she been so wary of him? Since when had he made her so ill at ease? Was it all because of what he had said to her the other day when he had been in a bad mood and taken it out on her?

 

Unable to look at Kikyou any longer for fear of giving himself away, Inuyasha just grunted and turned away, feeling not only concern for the woman who had left, but also an immense amount of frustration, unsure of how to deal with Kagome and her continued presence at court. On the one hand, he knew there wasn't much time left before she would be gone, and if he was sensible he would rejoice in the fact that she was soon to marry Kouga and be out of his life forever…and yet, somehow, the King found little comfort in that knowledge, knowing that one day soon the young woman with the sparkling eyes and enchanting laugh would leave his court, taking some of the sunshine she had brought with her.

 

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The gardens were nothing compared to those at Miroku's home, or even the gardens at Bankotsu's castle in the East, but Kagome still managed to find some comfort in the solitude of the evening, the sky finally turning over to night, the stars beginning to appear in the sky as the sun gave way to the moon. There weren't many birds chirping, but that was alright, because it meant the air was still and quiet, leaving anyone ample opportunity to lose themselves in their thoughts…which was precisely what Kagome wanted to do.

 

Thankfully, Kouga seemed to understand, and for once didn't try to fill the silence with meaningless chatter or make her laugh with silly jokes. It was as though he understood that the woman beside him simply needed the assuring presence of a friend, because he didn't even try to turn the moment into something romantic.

 

Kagome had never appreciated his presence so much in her life.

 

He looked handsome in the moonlight, truly masculine with his black hair pulled back into its usual ponytail, his white shirt glowing, tucked loosely around his slim waist, one of his strong hands on her arm, his jaw firm, his features chiseled, and his blue eyes serious.

 

She felt nothing for him that was romantic, and yet Kagome knew that, at least in some way, she could be happy as his wife. He loved her, and she cared for him as a friend. No, it wasn't the romantic life she had always dreamed of, but it was still far better than what she had been expecting all those months ago when she had been riding on the road to the castle for the first time with her mother, engaged to a man she did not know and unhappy with her life.

 

A soft wind blew through the trees, rustling the leaves as well as her hair, and Kagome tilted her head back to enjoy the feeling of the cool air on her skin, her lips curving up in a soft, genuine smile. When she opened her eyes Kouga was smiling at her, and she barely noticed that they had stopped walking.

 

“You look so beautiful when you do that.”

 

She giggled. “When I do what? Close my eyes?”

 

He shook his head. “No…when you just let yourself go.” He smiled sadly and looked away from her, back towards the castle where all the windows were glowing with light, and where laughter radiated from the lower level. “You used to always let yourself go when you first came to court. But now it seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

 

Kagome frowned and pulled away, walking over to place a hand against the cool trunk of a pear tree. “I suppose I do carry more worries now than I did then, even though it wasn't that long ago.”

 

“Is that why you looked so ill tonight? Because of your worries?”

 

Tired of lying to everyone, Kagome found herself nodding. “Yes…”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

She smiled sadly to herself. “There are some things you cannot understand…even you have said so.”

 

“That doesn't mean I can't listen, Kagome.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away again. “I know I don't come across as all that intelligent most of the time, but I am capable of understanding complex situations from time to time.”

 

She giggled at that, and he smiled. “I thank you for your concern,” she finally replied, “And I suppose most of what I'm so stressed about is obvious: the situation with my sister.”

 

“Yes, I've seen all the things you've been doing for her, and all the sacrifices you've made.” Kouga took a step towards her as he spoke. “Kikyou is lucky to have you as a sister…and sometimes I don't think she appreciates all the things you do for her.”

 

Kagome smiled wanly at that. “Kikyou appreciates it, but also expects a certain amount of help from her family. That's just the kind of person she is, and I knew that the moment I agreed to help her in all of this. I knew that I could not expect her to suddenly become gracious enough to thank me every time I did something nice or went out of my way to help her.”

 

“But you're doing more than that,” Kouga suddenly exclaimed. “You're doing so much more than just helping her a little here and there, Kagome. You're practically taking her sins and placing them on your shoulders! I've seen it happening slowly but steadily these past several weeks…even months…ever since that man, Naraku, arrived. You have defended her so much, and become such a part of her life, that the court, stupid people that they are, any more seem incapable of telling the difference between the two of you.”

 

“That is nothing new,” Kagome replied bitterly. “Kikyou and I have always been compared, inevitably. It is something I have grown used to. And at this point, her life has become so miserable that I am happy to offer what I can to give her a few moments of peace.”

 

“At the expense of your own happiness?” Kouga walked up and took her roughly by the arms, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Do you hear yourself, Kagome? You're making a martyr of yourself! You're sacrificing everything for a woman who won't even necessarily thank you in the end! Why? Why?!”

 

Kagome listened to him and closed her eyes, knowing she had asked herself that many times already in the quiet of her room when the tears came freely and she was forced to bury her head in her pillow so no one would hear her sobs and report that Kagome Higurashi was faltering under the stress, and that no honest woman would ever falter.

 

“I do it because I love her,” she finally replied sincerely, falling back on the most honest and used reason she had. It was true. She loved Kikyou to the point that she would sacrifice almost anything for her, and though Kouga didn't see it, Kagome knew that Kikyou would do the same if necessary even though she didn't show her love as openly.

 

Kouga whimpered slightly, obviously desperate for an answer he knew he was not going to get, and he finally released her arms, hanging his head in defeat. “She's not worth it, Kagome…she's not worth it…” He repeated it several times, and Kagome just smiled sadly.

 

Stepping away from the tree, she took the wolf man's hands in her own and squeezed them gently, her eyes sad but honest and pure as she met his own blue gaze. “I told you there were some things you could not understand. You yourself said you are an only child, and as such cannot fathom the bond that sisters share. Just understand this: I do not regret what I am doing. That is enough for me, so it must be enough for you too, Kouga.”

 

He looked up at her then, seeming to search for something in her eyes, before finally sighing and nodding, rising back up to his full height and tipping her chin with his hand, a slight smile on his face. “As you wish, Kagome. You're too good for all of us.”

 

At that Kagome just laughed, muttering something about how she doubted that, before allowing him to take her arm once more and guide her back towards the banquet, which was clearly beginning to dissipate as other groups were beginning to appear through the doors into the gardens.

 

One of the groups, consisting of several young women, included the four Kagome had heard gossiping that day in the hall, and she couldn't help but stiffen slightly as they approached, knowing they would be forced to talk and knowing also that it would not be pleasant.

 

“Good evening, Kagome,” one of the girls, the same one Kagome had slapped several weeks earlier for slandering Kikyou's name, called out in a falsely cheerful voice before turning her flirtatious eyes on Kouga. “And good evening to you, my lord.”

 

Kouga just nodded while Kagome put a fake smile on her face in reply. “Good evening to you as well, Mary. I trust you and your friends enjoyed the banquet.”

 

“Of course,” another older woman replied, her eyes seeming to be the only kind ones in the group, as the other women all seemed to be sizing up what they were seeing, trying to determine if they could use anything before them in the latest rumors. “It was another triumph, my dear. You are doing an absolutely marvelous job.”

 

“I thank you for that,” Kagome accepted the genuine compliment with a genuine smile of her own, nodding her head slightly.

 

The brunette called Mary stepped forward slightly. “We were just about to take a stroll in the gardens. How would you say the evening is for such a fete?”

 

Kagome shrugged. “It is a lovely evening for strolling and conversation. My lord Kouga and I most certainly enjoyed ourselves, did we not?”

 

Kouga nodded. “Indeed,” was his brief reply. Clearly he didn't like the vultures any more than Kagome did, which made her feel better.

 

“Well that's a relief,” Another young woman who Kagome knew to be called Leticia added, feigning an overly dramatic roll of the eyes at the thought of strolling in anything less than perfect weather. She was an exceptionally beautiful blonde with clear blue eyes and full red lips. “We should have been very disappointed if you had said otherwise.”

 

“Indeed,” Kagome replied with a nod, already weary of such meaningless courtier chatter. It was always the same thing…how was the weather…delightful…oh how wonderful…indeed…and Kagome was sick of it. It was absolutely nauseating, especially since she knew at least three of these women couldn't stand her or her family.

 

“And you must be so happy to finally have your fiancée to yourself for a while,” Mary finally added after several moments of silence, and Kagome tensed, knowing some comment along those lines would have come eventually. “After all, she is frequently with the King these days.”

 

Kouga stiffened at the implication, but somehow managed to not show any sort of strain on his face. “Kagome and I spend plenty of time together, if you must know.”

 

“Oh of course,” Mary hastily replied, “And I did not mean to imply anything other than that she is just so often with the King or her sister these days that it seems the two of you have little time to enjoy your engagement period.”

 

“We both accept that Kagome is very busy with her duties as the Summer Maiden,” Kouga again replied easily, and Kagome was extremely grateful to have him at her side.

 

“Yes, of course,” Leticia replied for her friend, moving forward slightly and cocking her head in what Kagome had learned from Kikyou to be an inviting gesture of flirtation. “But I don't recall the Summer Maiden ever being required to visit the King's private chambers at all hours of the day, do you?”

 

For once Kouga didn't reply, and Kagome realized that this time she would have to defend herself. Her blood boiled at the implication this woman, this girl, was making, and what was worse was the fact that Kagome knew she couldn't give the real reason for her time in Inuyasha's study to either her or to Kouga. No matter what she said she would appear guilty of something…and the thought caused her temper, the one Inuyasha had so much experience with, to finally snap.

 

“I suggest you keep your simple mind to easier tasks, Leticia, and you too, Mary. For too often you find stupid young women such as yourselves straining your brains and invariably coming to the wrong conclusion.” Her eyes flared, and she barely heard Kouga's snort as he tried to keep himself from laughing. “Now if you'll excuse me, I should like to retire for the evening before you nauseate me any more with your filthy lies or attempts at connecting the dots in a situation you clearly do not understand.”

 

And with that, ignoring the flaming cheeks and furious glances of the women before her, Kagome grabbed Kouga's arm and marched back into the banquet hall. But she didn't stop there either, hardly noticing the fact that there were many couples now dancing, instead marching straight through to the other door that led into the main hallway.

 

Once there, Kouga could no longer control himself and burst out laughing, nearly doubling over from the exertion, his blue eyes twinkling. “I must say, my lady…that was the most…brilliant thing…I have ever seen…in my entire life!”

 

“I'm glad you find it so amusing,” Kagome replied, her voice still cold, her eyes now a mask of fury covering up a pain that ran so deep it caused her very soul to ache.

 

She had known all along that the women of the court were growing more and more suspicious of her relationship to the King, as well as her intentions where Kikyou was concerned, but never had any of them dared to speak to her thus in public before. It just proved more truly how dangerous things were becoming for herself, and how the support and admiration she'd had upon her arrival all those months ago was now vaporizing before her eyes as sand ran through her fingers.

 

It was as though the world were closing in around her, boxing her in, leaving her without a friend and without anyone to turn to, and suddenly Kagome couldn't take it any more. She couldn't handle the fight she'd just had with Inuyasha and the situation ongoing with her sister and Naraku and now this all at once.

 

Kagome Higurashi had, at long last, reached her breaking point…and she had to get away from public eyes before she did or said something she would regret.

 

“Forgive me, my lord,” she said, her voice low and slow as she tried to keep it from cracking, and Kouga stopped laughing as he realized the seriousness in her voice. “I have to leave you for the evening…I wish to retire early tonight.”

 

His face sobered instantly, and Kouga stepped forward and took her hands in his. “Kagome, you don't really believe any of that nonsense, do you? You don't think I do, do you?”

 

Her eyes moistened, and Kagome wanted to touch her face, but held back. If only you knew, her heart cried…if only you, my Sir Loyal Heart, knew what I have done behind your back…

 

“Just let me go, Kouga,” she finally said aloud.

 

“But Kagome…”

 

“Just let me go. I need some rest.” Her voice was harsher than she meant it to be, but she didn't have a choice. Thankfully, he backed off, and she heaved a sigh of relief despite the fact that her body had begun to shake from the effort of withholding the turmoil of emotions within her heart: anger, frustration, sadness, and despair.

 

“Promise you'll come find me in the morning at least,” he called after her as she turned to walk up the stairs to the second floor. Kagome turned, her hair falling over her shoulder, and looked at him steadily for a moment, noting the utterly lost look on his face that told her he didn't understand. “I just want to know you're alright.”

 

She sighed and found herself nodding even though a part of her was so gone at that moment she barely registered what she was agreeing to do. “Very well, Kouga. I'll see you in the morning.” And with that, before he could say another word, she quickly hurried up the stairs, holding her blue and white silk skirts immodestly high, displaying her white underskirts and bare ankles for the entire world to see.

 

Propriety could damn itself for all she cared at that moment. She just wanted to be alone. More then that, she wanted a place where she could go and shut out the world entirely and not have to worry about anything or anyone else ever again.

 

Kagome threw the door to her room open with a loud crash, and was relieved to discover that all her maids were currently somewhere else, no doubt having their own small dinner party in the kitchens as servants tended to do from time to time.

 

She slammed the door shut and began running her hands through her hair wildly, inhaling sharply, pacing in frantic, almost wild circles as her fingers dislodged all the carefully placed pins from her ebony locks, allowing them to fall all over her shoulders and down her back in a wild, uncombed mess.

 

She didn't care.

 

Unsure of exactly what she needed, Kagome found herself sagging onto her bed in desperation, falling to her knees and burying her head in her hands on the mattress covered in blue and white fabric…loyal, she thought sarcastically, to her family to the last.

 

“That's me,” she muttered wildly, incoherently, “Loyal Kagome who does everything for everyone else and never gets anything in return.”

 

And yet still she did not cry. It was strange, because she felt as though that's what she needed to do most and yet, for once, the tears did not come. Her chest felt painfully swollen, her head ached, and the rest of her body felt as though all it truly needed was a good cry, something she had held back for a long time now and yet, as she was finally ready, it would not come.

 

Kagome just laid there, her body going suddenly still, and Kouga's words came back to her, his voice echoing in her mind. Do you hear yourself, Kagome? You're making a martyr of yourself! You're sacrificing everything for a woman who won't even necessarily thank you in the end!

 

In history, was the martyr ever thanked?

 

Kagome sighed and slowly sat up, rocking back on her heels, which moaned painfully under the weight of her body and all her skirts and petticoats. She was so tense it seemed she had lost all her flexibility as well.

 

Subtly, yet inevitably, her eyes were drawn to her left, to where her violin, the old worn out instrument that had been a gift from her father, sat propped up on its case on her mahogany desk by her bed. It seemed to call for her, and Kagome could not resist that call as she rose to her feet and shakily moved forward, carefully taking the instrument in her hands and placing it on her shoulder, resting her cheek against the smooth wood, allowing herself for a moment to pretend that it was her father's hand as he smoothed a curl from her face, telling her how well she was doing and how all her practice was paying off.

 

Somehow her other hand found the bow, and slowly, with great ease that came from years of practice, she began to play the instrument, beginning a slow, somewhat melancholy melody. And as she played, she heard voices in her mind…memories of times from long ago…memories that had occurred only yesterday…

 

This is really for me, papa?

 

Of course it is, sweetheart…you're my little angel, and you'll learn to play like one too.

 

Oh thank you, papa!

 

But don't you think that's too big an instrument for her, father?

 

Nonsense, Kikyou…she may as well learn now how to play the instrument she'll carry for the rest of her life. But you have to promise to take care of it, Kagome.

 

Oh, yes! Yes! I promise, papa! I'll treasure it always!

 

Kagome felt the joy of the memories from her past returning, and couldn't resist spinning slightly as the music radiating from the violin filled her very heart and soul. How she missed him…how she longed for his comforting hands and soft, gentle voice…

 

What do you mean he's gone?

 

Just that, Kagome…your father had a terrible accident while riding his horse, and, well, he's not ever going to be coming back.

 

You mean he's dead, don't you? Why won't anyone just say that to me? My father's dead! He's dead and he's never coming back!

 

Hush, Kagome, it will be alright…

 

I miss him, Kikyou! I want him back!

 

I do too, love…I do too…

 

The music again returned to a minor chord, and Kagome felt her eyes squeeze shut against the pain of that memory. She could recall the look on her mother's face as she told her, and then the feel of Kikyou's arms as she held her and rocked her back and forth. At that moment, Kagome had not allowed anyone else to touch her but Kikyou.

 

Kikyou, who was her rival. Kikyou, who was her beloved sister. Kikyou, who looked so much like her, and understood her so well. Kikyou, who was practically her other self…

 

“I'm going to play a song for you. It's your song, Kikyou…I wrote it.”

 

“You…wrote it?”

 

“Yes! I've been working on it for six months, since I first heard that you would be leaving for court.”

 

“I see. Well then, let's hear it.”

 

Kagome felt herself unconsciously speeding up the tempo of this song she had never before played, and yet heard a million times before. It was as though she were combining everything she had ever played into one tune, just as she was now, for some odd reason, reliving every moment in her life…

 

“Sister? Kikyou? What's wrong? Did you not like it?”

 

“Oh Kagome! It was beautiful!”

 

“I'm going to miss you so much.”

 

“I know, I'll miss you too.”

 

“I love you, Kikyou.”

 

“I love you too…Kagome…”

 

Kagome hated to think about the years that had followed, with all the pain, and all the suffering. All the loneliness and the sense of being rejected when Kikyou had stopped writing her letters, and then the sense of betrayal when she had engaged Kagome to Kouga without her permission, knowing how much she had longed for a romantic marriage.

 

She recalled that first day at court, when she arrived and, feeling overwhelmed, had sough solace in the rose gardens, only to find that fate did not mean for her to find solace there, but instead the seeds of a great love that she would never be rid of. A love that would cause her so much pain in the end…

 

“What is your name?”

 

“Kagome Higurashi.”

 

“So you are the sister of Kikyou?”

 

“Yes, though I would prefer if you just forget about that.”

 

“Why? I should think you would be honored to be the sister of the future Queen.”

 

“I consider it no honor.”

 

Kagome smiled slightly, even in her pain, as she recalled the way she'd spoken to him then, and the way he'd looked at her, as though she were the most annoying and yet fascinating thing he'd ever seen….

 

“It is rude to turn your back on nobility.”

 

“Forgive me, sire, I've never been to court.”

 

“That is no excuse.”

 

“I shall bow before the King, which is enough.”

 

“The King…?”

 

“Yes, the King. I shall bow before him, and none other, for I am soon to marry Lord Kouga and be Queen of the North.”

 

“You shall have to bow before your sister, for she will be your superior.”

 

“I have no intention of ever bowing before my sister.”

 

How things had changed since then, and not just between herself and Inuyasha, but also between herself and Kikyou. Where once she had felt an immense amount of resentment that had bordered on hate for the older woman, now all she felt was pity and a growing sense of love and the need to protect.

 

Kikyou…the sister who she loved so much. Why did she then have to make life so miserable for Kagome? How could she have asked this of her? How could she have asked Kagome to sacrifice so much on her account? How? Why?

 

Kagome felt her hand move faster on the bow, her body swaying violently to the rhythm, trying to keep up with the right hand which was stroking the bow over the strings in a non-so delicate manner…

 

“So what can I do to help?”

 

“You can stand by my side no matter what others say about me.”

 

“Of course…”

 

“No, Kagome, I mean no matter what. I mean you'll defend me even when such awful things are said about me that you'll be disgusted and tempted to believe.”

 

“I understand, Kikyou…”

 

“No, you don't. The court is a fickle beast, little sister. And if things get too far out of control, then its hostility will turn on you as well.”

 

“On me? Truly, Kikyou?”

 

“Yes. Truly. They will hate you for loving me. That is the nature of the court of a King. They will slander anyone above them if it means watching that person fall.”

 

Kagome felt something growing deep within her heart…something cruel...something that caused her to be afraid. But she kept playing, hoping that would calm her down, as it had done so many times before.

 

But as she continued, it seemed like all she did was feel more anger, more resentment towards all those who had asked for her help and then given her nothing in return. It was true that she offered her help in most instances, but then, when she was so clearly struggling, no one seemed to care…no one except Kouga, anyway. And he wasn't even the one who she craved attention from…

 

“Kagome, you can't tell anyone about this, do you understand? It would ruin me. It would absolutely ruin me, and any authority I have over the people of this country…”

 

“Don't you trust me at all, Inuyasha?”

 

“Kagome…Of course I do.”

 

“Then what are you worried about?”

 

“I don't know…it's just that this is such a huge secret to keep…”

 

“Then maybe I can help you keep it, and share your burden. Who else knows besides me?”

 

“Miroku and Shippou.”

 

“Not Kikyou?”

 

“No.”

 

He had kissed her that night, and at the thought of his lips against hers, quivering, so unsure, his beautiful amber eyes closing as he brushed his fingers against her face before quickly pulling away, caused tears to come to her eyes.

 

She loved him. She loved him! And yet he could never be hers. Instead, he belonged to her sister, to Kikyou, who seemed to appreciate what she had less and less every day.

 

Did they even love each other any more? Kagome couldn't tell. Had they ever loved each other? Who would ever know?

 

All she did know, all she had to hold onto, was the fact that she loved him now, and would always love him, until the day she died, married to a different man who lived far away in the North.

 

A tear fell down her cheek at the thought, though she fiercely played on…

 

“And I suppose that you hate Lancelot and Guenevere, like everyone else does.”

 

“Why would I hate them?”

 

“Well, because…because Guenevere betrayed her husband and Lancelot betrayed his King. They were lovers behind Arthur's back for many years, and most anyone who reads the story thinks that makes the couple despicable.”

 

“Well I don't hate them.”

 

“And why not? Adultery is wrong…you know that.”

 

Adultery is wrong…she knew that, and yet Kagome longed for him, for the man she couldn't have. She wished he could be hers, to have and to hold for the rest of her life. She wished Kikyou had never been engaged to him in the first place!

 

And yet, had Kikyou not been, she never would have had such access to Inuyasha in the first place, which would mean she never would have met him at all…never known such love…such pain…

 

“Kagome?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Which one of them are you, and which one am I?”

 

“I beg your pardon?”

 

“Guenevere or Lancelot…which one are you?”

 

“Well, you're the King, and strong just like Arthur…so I suppose you're neither of the others. And as for me, well, I'm no Queen yet.”

 

Such pain…and such love…

 

“Who's to say the Lady Kagome is all that honest?”

 

“That's right…haven't you heard the way she's been defending her sister lately, and criticizing those who speak the truth? Would you call that honest?”

 

Such love…such betrayal…and the hypocrisy of the court…

 

Two more tears slid down her cheeks, and Kagome felt herself fighting the urge to wipe them away as she steadily continued to play, that urge continuing to grow in the pit of her stomach…growing and growing…threatening to overcome all reason…

 

“You're making a martyr of yourself!”

 

“No…” Kagome whimpered above the roar of the frantic music she was playing, no longer even noticing if what she was performing made any sense in terms of the musical scale, or if it was just screeching, like a rock dragging along the ground.

 

“You're sacrificing everything for a woman who won't even necessarily thank you in the end!”

 

“I'm not a martyr…”

 

“Guenevere or Lancelot…which one are you?”

 

“Inuyasha…”

 

“…a woman who won't even necessarily thank you in the end!”

 

“Kikyou…”

 

“I love you, sister.”

 

“And I love you.”

 

“I'm not a martyr…”

 

“Think about your own happiness!”

 

Kagome shuddered, feeling that sense continuing to grow within her; that dangerous sense that something was about to break…something was about to explode…something she wasn't prepared for, that she couldn't understand…

 

“I need your help, Kagome.”

 

“What can I do?”

 

“You can stand by me.”

 

“I love you, Inuyasha,” She whimpered to no one in particular, feeling her hand falter on the strings for the first time, feeling her control begin to break…begin to snap…

 

“Now get out, and from now on stick to what you're good at Kagome; planning parties and weddings!”

 

Pain filled her chest, and that sense continued to grow. “Inuyasha…”

 

“I worry about you, Kagome.”

 

“I'm fine,” she replied to the memory, as though she were losing her grip on her sanity. That sense continued to grow, and she thought she would burst.

 

“You're making a martyr of yourself!”

 

“No…”

 

“Why, Kagome? Why?”

 

“Because I love her.”

 

“She's not worth you sacrificing your happiness!”

 

“No…” Her whimper grew stronger than before, and that sense nearly caused her heart to burst and her lungs to explode from the pressure…

 

“…won't even necessarily thank you in the end!”

 

“No!”

 

“She's not worth it!”

 

“No!”

 

“…a martyr of yourself!”

 

“NO!” And with that, the sensation broke, and Kagome felt something within her snap, the dam releasing everything within her heart. “NO! NO! NO!” She all but screamed the last time she said it, and, without even realizing what was happening, the violin, her precious treasure, flew out of her hand and smashed against the wall, the sound echoing in her heart as something she would never forget.

 

The pieces of wood scattered all over the floor, leaving hardly anything to show that they had once made up a beautiful red violin, the noise of the enormous impact, followed by the scattering of the pieces, slowly fading away to leave nothing but a deathly quiet that was mocked only by the sound of the wind beyond her open windows.

 

At first, Kagome was unsure of what had happened; unwilling to accept that her precious violin, the only link that remained between herself and her father, was gone, and that it was her fault. She could hardly believe that something she had cherished for so long, taken such pains to preserve all this time, could now, in an instant, have vanished, but it had. Just like her father on the day he went out riding and never came back because he foolishly jumped a fence that was too high in his eagerness to return home to his family.

 

And with that, the tears came, along with a cry that tore from her throat and echoed throughout her room and into the air beyond the stone walls that suddenly seemed to imprison her. “PAPA!”

 

The door to her room was thrown wide open just as Kagome fell to the floor, and Inuyasha rushed in looking wild with worry and fear, clearly expecting to find something much worse than what he actually did: an image of Kagome rocking back and forth, hugging her knees to her chest and whispering something inaudible over and over again.

 

Sighing, telling his heart to slow its frantic beating, the hanyou slowly rose back up to his full height (for he had been crouched in a battle stance, prepared to take on an enemy), convincing himself that Kagome truly was alright, and that she wasn't being murdered, or dead already, as her screaming had led him to believe.

 

Then, once the immediate concern wore off, the hanyou King suddenly felt his usual old annoyance return and, with one swift slam of the door that would mean they were alone, he whirled on her, his temper flaring. “What the hell were you thinking, yelling like that?”

 

But Kagome didn't respond, and Inuyasha felt his temper deflate almost as quickly as it had come on, a small amount of trepidation creeping back into his subconscious.

 

And it was then that he saw the wood shards all over the floor before her, the white bow for her violin at her side, the body of her violin still mostly in tact with the strings seeming to mock her from where they lay on the stone floor.

 

“Kagome…” Her name came off his lips in a breathless whisper, and Inuyasha feared for a moment that she had lost her mind as he walked forward carefully, listening carefully as her words became audible at last to his sharp ears.

 

“Papa, forgive me…forgive me, papa…I didn't mean to…forgive, me, papa…forgive me…”

 

Inuyasha recalled her telling him once before that it was her father who had given her the precious instrument, as well as having been the one who taught her how to play, and understood that this had to be a tremendous loss for her. He knew all too well the importance of objects that had belonged to deceased loved ones, for if ever the rose gardens at his home were to die, a part of him would die as well. Those were his mother's roses…the ones she had planted and taught him to care for as a boy when all the other children refused to play with him…

 

He shook his head, knowing this was not the time to dwell on his own painful memories, but rather to comfort Kagome…not that he had ever been very good at that sort of thing.

 

“Um…listen, Kagome, I…” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he sat down beside her, and for the first time she seemed to notice his presence as she stopped speaking and rocking and raised her head from where it had been buried in her arms.

 

Her eyes were red and puffy, and her cheeks were streaming with tears, her hair wild and unkempt about her shoulders, her dress practically falling off because she'd sat down without care of moving her skirts out of the way. “Inuyasha…”

 

His name came off her lips in a stammer, her voice catching, raw from heartfelt sobs, and he felt, suddenly, the desperate need to wipe such sorrow from her face, and to put the smile he loved so much back where it belonged. “Kagome, what's wrong? What happened?”

 

The dam broke again, and she started crying once more in earnest. “Oh Inuyasha!” And with that she threw her arms around his neck, leaving him with the only option of hesitantly putting his arms back around her waist and holding her gently to his chest, running a hand through her hair absentmindedly.

 

“Kagome, look, I…” His cheeks turned bright red. “I'm not very good at this sort of thing…”

 

She didn't seem to hear him as she started rambling. “Oh, Inuyasha, I didn't mean to break the violin, it just sort of happened! I was so angry with all the things the women have been saying lately, and then tonight when that whore of a woman said those things in front of Kouga...I just couldn't stand it!”

 

Inuyasha didn't have a clue about half of what she was saying, but he still managed to glean that all the weeks of strain were finally starting to wear her down; not that he was surprised. He'd watched her carefully follow Kikyou's every move, always the first one to leap to her sister's defense should something go wrong, which meant she always got the brunt of the insults. He'd watched her continue her job as the Summer Maiden as well despite the fact that her popularity with the people of the court was waning, and now, recently, she'd also taken on the burden of listening to his secrets and then allowing him to rant about them later.

 

And no one, to his memory, save for him at one moment, had ever done anything to thank her or ease her worries.

 

“Oh Kagome,” He suddenly felt guilt weighing down upon him, pushing him into the floor, and he clutched the precious girl, the wonderful woman who was sacrificing so much for everyone else, to his chest tightly, as though he would never let her go. “Kagome, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…”

 

“I'm just tired, Inuyasha,” she whimpered against his chest.

 

“I know.”

 

“I wish it would all stop. I wish people wouldn't be so cruel. I wish Naraku had never come to court. I wish I didn't love my sister so much…”

 

“I know, Kagome,” he tried to sooth her, rocking back and forth even harder, pressing her tighter to his chest, almost as though to squeeze the words out of her so she couldn't talk any more. “I'm so sorry for all of it…I wish I could take it back, I really do…I wish I could protect you from it…I wish I could protect you from the world…”

 

“Do you, Inuyasha?” She asked, sniffling against his shoulder, seeing the remains of her precious violin strewn around her.

 

He nodded without hesitation. “Yes, I do. You deserve someone's protection. You deserve to have a loyal knight at your side who loves you and won't let you come to any harm.”

 

“Like Guenevere had her knight? Like Guenevere had her Lancelot?” At that they both froze, Kagome unsure of why she had said such a thing, and Inuyasha unsure of what to say in response.

 

Slowly, painfully slow, they pulled apart so that Kagome sat back in his lap and his arms remained loosely about her waist. They stared at one another intently in the growing darkness, the fire the maids had started in the fireplace before dinner quickly dying out, the moonlight flooding the room, framing the pair by stars…

 

And the magic began to return…the magic that always seemed to return at night…

 

“Yes, Kagome…” Inuyasha finally replied, his voice low and unfamiliar as it contained something Kagome had never heard from a man speaking to her before. His voice was raw with desire, and it cased something else besides pain to spark in her body, rekindling that familiar feeling that always surfaced when he touched her.

 

“Inuyasha…” She reached out blindly and found his face, tracing his jaw, touching his lips with her fingers. She felt him draw closer even as the fire went out completely and they were left in darkness, only their silhouettes visible.

 

“…just as Guenevere had her Lancelot.”

 

Kagome barely had time to draw another breath before she felt his lips firmly, almost possessively press themselves against her own, and this time there was no hesitation, no sense of either of them pulling back as she greedily wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, wanting to feel the contours of his chest against her small frame.

 

Inuyasha felt her respond, and felt himself grow even more hungry, if that were possible, for her touch, her kisses…for Kagome. He wanted her, needed her love more than he had ever needed anything in his entire life. She was saving him, he realized, from a world that was fast slipping out of his control.

 

There was a reason why when his country was in peril, when he needed advice, he turned to Kagome. Because he trusted her with all his heart, and needed her presence, her scent…like roses…to calm him.

 

And now she was giving herself to him, and he was taking without even thinking. He didn't care if he would regret the action later, and neither did she. All thought of right and wrong faded from their memory, along with Kikyou, Naraku, Kouga, and anyone else who had ever placed themselves between them.

 

Tonight, they would give each other what they wanted and damn anyone else. Tonight they would finally allow their hearts to speak instead of their minds. Tonight, for just a little while, two lost souls would allow themselves to be happy…and that would be enough.