InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Syndrome ❯ Sharing Secrets ( Chapter 48 )

I do not own Inuyasha and Company, no matter how happy it would make me. Rumiko Takahashi does. I make no money from these fics.

Note: Okay, no past chapter this time. I think we're done with those 'til the end now, unless one really needs to be written. We're closing in on the end here finally and I promise that most of you are going to hate me by the end of chapter 49, but I'll make it all better. I swear.

Chapter 48 - Sharing Secrets

When they reached home, Sesshoumaru headed directly up to his room. He wasn't ready, not sure yet how to even face Inuyasha, let alone begin to apologize. He needed time to think, and Kagome was happy to give it to him.

Instead of following, the miko made her way to the kitchen in search of a snack. She smiled at the sound of Inuyasha thundering up the steps from the basement, rushing in so fast he skidded to a stop that nearly landed him on his ass.

"I thought being a hanyou would give you better balance than that," she said with a grin.

"Oh, shut the hell up, Wench. No peeking!"

Kagome only laughed. "Unless you're hiding supplies for my room in the fridge, we won't have a problem. I'm just looking for a snack."

"Hungry again, eh?"

"You know it," she said while plucking a yogurt from the fridge and handing it over for her friend to open, not in the mood to wrestle with the foil lid today. "Making progress?"

"None of your damn business! So," he said, swiftly attempting to change the subject, "where've you been all day?" Yes, he knew at least some of the answer to that question, but he also knew they'd left his father's home much earlier than they'd arrived here so there was obviously another stop. That and he was curious to hear her take on the whole apology front.

"We went to see your dad," she replied, her tone almost solemn. "He told Sesshoumaru a lot of stuff he'd never heard before. It was a rough morning."

"Is that so? Did the iceberg get his feelings hurt?" Inuyasha still hadn't gotten over being pissed about the call he'd gotten from his father. Being ordered to listen to and consider Sesshoumaru's apology didn't sit well with him.

"Inuyasha!" she hissed. "You have no idea, so don't be such a jerk! How do you think you'd take it if you found out that everything you've based your life on was nothing but lies told to you by a jealous, hateful woman that you should have been able to trust? What if you learned after fourteen years that nothing was the way you thought it was, that everything you thought you knew is wrong? To realize that you've hurt people that didn't deserve it over and over again because you couldn't see what is now so obvious? His entire world was turned upside down today and I had to watch it, so I don't need your nasty attitude right now!"

Inuyasha immediately raised his hands in an image of surrender. "Sorry, sorry, damn! How was I supposed to know? What the hell does all that even mean, anyway?"

"He..." Kagome paused for a moment. "I don't know. I'm not sure I should tell you. It was a private conversation about something deeply personal. Sesshoumaru is trying to figure out a way to talk to you, to make his apologies. I don't know if I should get involved."

Inuyasha growled. Already she was willing to hide things from him for his bastard brother's sake! He didn't like this at all. "Just spill it, Wench. You really think he's going to share all the gory details with me? How am I supposed to accept any apology he might give if I don't really know where it's coming from? If it's so fucking bad, you know he won't want to tell me. Wouldn't it be easier if you did? Then I'll be ready when he comes to talk to me. I'll have an idea of how I'll want to respond."

"I... I really should ask him first."

"You don't trust me, Kaggie? It's not like I'm going to use it against him. I doubt I could anyway. I just want a heads up. Dad already called me and said Sesshoumaru would be coming to me with an apology. I just want the information I know that no one else will give me. I think I deserve to know why I've been treated like dog shit my whole life. Don't I?"

Kagome heaved a heavy sigh and nodded. Inuyasha was right on several counts. Sesshoumaru wasn't likely to explain everything and Inuyasha really did need to know. He was directly involved after all. No one was affected by Sesshoumaru's actions more than his little brother. He deserved to understand where all that hatred came from, and that the elder truly no longer believed what he once had.

"Fine, but you will not say anything to him until I get a chance to tell him I told you. We're making such good progress and I don't want it set back because he feels he can't trust me. It took a lot for him to share everything with me today." Inuyasha nodded and Kagome thought for a moment before beginning. "Well, before we even got there he told me about his mother..."

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Sesshoumaru was up in the room he was now blessedly sharing with Kagome, doing something he'd never in his life done before. Not even when he was flailing for ideas for some way to catch the miko's attention had he ever paced the floor like a demon possessed. This was making him insane! He had no idea how to do this, not a clue where to even begin. How could he apologize to Inuyasha? How could he explain what had occurred, why he had behaved the way he had? Surely, his brother deserved an explanation. It wouldn't make up for a thing, but maybe it would help him believe that he was serious in his apology and change in attitude.

He wasn't even sure Inuyasha would listen in the first place. He was angry and hurt and he had every right to be. If the taiyoukai was in his place, he doubted he could ever forgive, and so he doubted that he would ever be forgiven. But then, he didn't think he deserved it anyway. He'd been vicious and cruel, beyond anything that any others had ever done to the hanyou, and he was his brother!

Brother sounded so nice, but so completely unattainable. Sesshoumaru couldn't help but think about the way things could have been if he hadn't been such a blind fool. They could have been friends, a team. With the tai by his side, Inuyasha would likely never have suffered nearly as badly at the hands of others. They wouldn't have dared.

At the same time, though, it was his treatment of Inuyasha that had drawn Kagome to him in the first place, what had caused her to try and befriend him so intently. If things hadn't played out the way they had, then she might never had come into their lives. That was something he would never change, no matter how it happened. He regretted everything he had ever done to his little brother, but a part of him refused to wish to take it all back. He couldn't. If he hadn't met her, his life would be woefully empty, even with the love and support of his family.

How could he explain that? 'I'm sorry for what I've done, but I wouldn't take it back for the world?' Yeah, that would go over well. Sure, maybe he would have met her anyway, and maybe things would have gone right. He would have shown an immediate interest, instantly drawn to her with no reason to deny his feelings. They could have been together all this time, have avoided all this pain and anguish. Things could have worked out beautifully, but then again, maybe they wouldn't have.

As it was, though, none of it mattered. What was done was done and could never be undone. Theories on what might have been were just a waste of time, a distraction from what he really needed to be thinking about. How could he possibly adequately apologize for all the wrongs he had committed?

One thought led to another, and soon he was remembering every vile thing he had ever done. Every torturous moment he had inflicted upon an innocent child, his own blood, his once best friend. The scenes played through his mind like a movie, a horror movie at that, and Sesshoumaru dropped to sit on the end of the bed, his hands over his face, as he was tormented by his memories. One thing was abundantly clear to him, however. He did not deserve forgiveness.

@@@@@The Syndrome@@@@@

Once Kagome had finished, Inuyasha sat in absolute silence for several long minutes. Finally, he managed to find one thing that agreed to come out of his mouth. "That's... Wow." Sure, it wasn't the most intelligent of thoughts, but it was the only one that had decided to work with him.

"Yeah, it was a lot to take in, especially all at once. He feels so bad and he has no idea how to fix things, where to even start. So, do you understand now, why he acted the way he did?"

Memories of his life after that day, the day his brother no longer was his brother but his tormentor instantly flooded his mind and Inuyasha frowned. "No! That doesn't mean he had to believe it! He didn't have to eat the hate right out of the palm of her hand!"

"Inuyasha," she scolded gently. "Think about it. How did you think when you were five years old? Did you evaluate everything you were told, looking for ulterior motives and judging for yourself? Or did you believe what you were told? Put yourself in his place for a minute. You're five years old and you've never met your mother, never even heard her mentioned really, and then all of a sudden she's there, wanting to see you, sharing things with you. Those things seem to hurt her. They're embarrassing, humiliating, and you don't understand why anyone would want to hurt your mother like that. Would you believe what she tells you? Or would you think it out logically and wonder what her angle is?"

When she saw him go to open his mouth, she stopped him. "And remember, this is the age where you believe a fat man delivers presents to every child in the world in one night, sliding his big ass down tiny chimneys, when a bunny brings baskets of colored eggs and chocolates, and a little fairy comes and collects your teeth in exchange for money."

The hanyou let out a sigh and nodded. "Okay, sure, I can see that. But what about later? Why did he keep believing it instead of listening to Dad? Why didn't he ever think for himself?"

Kagome shook her head gently and put a hand on her friend's knee. "Because he already believed it. Nothing had come along to challenge those beliefs, nothing to make him go back and look for holes in her story. She told him your father would lie to him, that he shouldn't listen, that only she would tell him the truth. Now though, he feels so stupid."

"Him? Feels stupid?" Inuyasha asked incredulously.

"There were holes, inconsistencies, but he didn't notice them because he was so little, so eager to believe him mother. I mean, she put some effort into her story. She took him to her apartment to show him the squalor she was living in, but it wasn't really hers. He said that the toilet was next to the refrigerator for Gods' sakes! Imagine how traumatizing that was for a little boy, to think his mother lived like that when he was used to the comfort of your parents' house. So he didn't notice that she was driving a luxury car, taking him to five star restaurants, and wearing designer clothes, not until today when he really started to think about it."

"Well, fuck! It was obvious she was lying then, and he was too dumb to see it!"

"Inuyasha!" she scolded less gently this time. "What five year old knows how much a car costs? That one car is better than another? Especially a little boy who has only ever been driven in luxury cars. Would you have cared where your mom took you to eat, paid attention to the decor and the prices on the menu, if there even were any prices at all, when your mother was finally there with you after you've been wondering about her all this time? What kid notices exactly what their mother is wearing enough to know that it came from a high priced designer and not a thrift store? Don't let your temper color your thoughts. You know as well as I do that it wasn't his fault."

"Fine. Fine! I can see how he was fooled, but that doesn't excuse what he did to me. You know what he did to me, know how he treated me! You expect me to just forget it, act like it never happened? I can't do that! Fourteen years that bastard has tortured me and now I find out that it was for no reason?! That doesn't make it go away!"

"I don't expect you to forget it, Inuyasha," she said comfortingly, her hand coming up to rub one ear to calm him somewhat. "I expect you to think about it and try and forgive. I know it doesn't take the pain away but you can't hold onto it forever."

"The pain is already gone, Wench. You took care of that when you saved my life." His voice was soft and shaky, the stress of the conversation getting to the usually gruff hanyou.

"Would you stop saying I saved your life?" she huffed. "All I did was be a friend to a person who needed one!"

"Damn it, Wench, I am tired of you saying that! You fucking saved my life! You have no idea." He started out yelling but his voice dropped as he went on. "That night, the day of the cafeteria thing..."

"When I zapped everyone and passed out?"

"Yeah, that. Kagome, when you wrapped your arms around me, you pulled out all the pain, healed all the wounds that had built up over time. It had been like a weight, burying me, making life seem impossible. I... that night... I was planning on killing myself." Seeing the tears in her eyes, he pulled her into his arms. "If you hadn't done what you did, because you cared so much about me, I wouldn't be here today. You saved my life and I don't ever want to hear you say different again."

She sobbed silently against him for a minute before pulling back to look up into his eyes. "Oh, Inuyasha. I had no idea! I... How could you... You dont...?"

"I don't think like that anymore, haven't once since that day, so you don't have to worry about me. I never meant to tell you, was never going to tell anyone, but you need to know how much you helped me. Maybe... maybe you can do that for him too. You can't make him forget the guilt, but you can make it hurt less. You know, that could be your calling. You could be... I don't know, a therapist or something. I know Shippo said you did the same thing for him. You could do it for other people, victims or something."

Something lit in her eyes and she smiled brightly. "You really think so?"

Well, sure, Kags." Suddenly a thought hit him and he wanted to kick himself. "But you'd have to be careful, not push yourself too much. It tires you out, taking away all that pain. You couldn't help too many people. Probably not more than one a day." Oh, he was in trouble now. He'd given her an idea and he didn't doubt that she would run with it.

She'd always wondered what the point was in having miko powers if there was no real outlet or use for them in modern times. She wasn't needed to protect villages from wild demons. She didn't need to heal people's bodies and she'd never even considered that she was able to heal their minds. She'd always just thought that her friendship and compassion had helped them, as neither Inuyasha nor Shippo had explained exactly what she'd done when she held them, when she listened to their stories and cried for them while wishing it all away. She'd never really had a direction in life, but Inuyasha had a great idea! He was right of course, that she'd have to be careful, but not too careful. There were people who needed help and if she could help them she would. So what if she was a little tired afterwards?

"Yeah, yeah, careful," she muttered. "So you think I should try it with Sesshoumaru?"

"Yeah, sure, just... not right away. Let the bastard suffer for a while first. He deserves it."

"Inuyasha!" She scowled and his ears flattened to his head. "Don't be such an ass! Promise me you'll think about it and find a way to work things out with him? He's so upset, he doesn't think he deserves forgiveness. It wasn't his fault, not entirely. Yes, he could have thought about it at some point and figured out it wasn't right. He could have listened to your father. She'd thought about that though, and tried her damndest to make sure he didn't. He isn't who you should blame. She is. She deserves your anger, not him. He was a tool in her plan. You know, she didn't just want to hurt your parents and you. She wanted to hurt him too. She had to, to tell him to never trust and never love anyone. She wanted him to be alone and miserable. She was punishing him just as much as you guys, and he has suffered too."

The hanyou rolled his eyes but nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I'll think about it."

"Promise?" He nodded and she smiled. "Promise me something else?"

"What, Kaggie?"

"Promise me that if you ever feel like that again, you'll talk to me, tell me how you're feeling? If you'd shared it with someone, I don't think the pain would have been so bad. Don't close yourself off from me just because I'm going to be with him."

"Going to be?" a new voice chimed in and Kagome smiled brightly at Bankotsu.

"Yeah, going to be. I want to. I really do." She looked back at Inuyasha nervously and he grinned at her.

"I'm not gonna bitch about it, Babe. If it's gonna make you happy, then it's okay with me. I'll work it out, figure out how to get along with him, but not for him. For you." He smirked as she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his hair, tears running down her face full force.

"Thank you, Inuyasha! You have no idea how much your acceptance means to me."

His smirk grew as he pulled her back to look at him. "I think I do, Wench."

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Inuyasha had headed upstairs not too long after that, having lots to think about, leaving Kagome downstairs with Bankotsu. He could tell there was something upsetting her and that she had been crying, but he didn't know what it was.

"Is something wrong, Kags?" he asked softly, worried about bringing up something she didn't want to talk about.

She looked at him then, her eyes shimmering with new tears, and before he knew it she'd thrown her arms around his neck. He pulled her into his lap and held her close, smiling as he felt her breathe in his scent deeply. She was definitely meant to be with an inu.

"What is it?" he whispered. "Sesshoumaru?"

"No," she mumbled against his throat, shaking her head. "Inuyasha."

"What about him? He said he's okay with it, that he's going to get along with his brother."

"That's not it. He... I'm so glad I didn't listen to you guys!"

"Do you ever?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Not really, no." She giggled softly and pulled back to look at him. "He told me... I never knew... Do you remember that day in the cafeteria?"

"Of course I do. You passed out cold! Scared the crap out of us!"

"It was worth it," she whispered before pausing. He knew there was more and was content to wait until she was ready to say it. After a full two minutes of silence, she continued. "He was going to kill himself. All the pain and torment they'd put him through, it built up until he couldn't take it anymore. If I hadn't done it... If it hadn't happened that day, I would have lost him." When she finished, her face returned to its place in the crook of his neck and she sobbed violently.

Bankotsu was both surprised and he wasn't. He'd never known about Inuyasha, had never even imagined his friend had been in enough pain to want to end it that way, but he wasn't at all shocked by her reaction to the news. She loved Inuyasha just as much as she did him, Miroku, and Shippo. She'd been drawn to the hanyou immediately, like she knew he needed her and apparently she'd been more right than they'd known.

"He doesn't feel that way now, right?"

"No. He said that I took all the pain away and he's never even thought about doing it again."

"Well then, why are you crying? It's over and done with, all better. There's no reason for tears. You know you did the same thing for Shippo too, right? I mean, I don't think he ever thought about suicide, but he has always said that you took away all the hurt. Why is this so much different?"

"It's just... I could have lost him! If Kouga hadn't come by and been such a jerk... If he hadn't been running his mouth... I could have lost him."

"Then it was never an issue. Kouga is always a mouthy jerk, after all," he said with a chuckle. She giggled and he could feel as her crying slowed. "How about we talk about something happy? You tell him you'd decided yet?"

Kagome swiped at her eyes and nodded.

"I'm surprised you're not a mated woman already then. I didn't imagine he'd want to wait once he got a yes out of you."

"Well, we're not quite ready yet."

"We? He's not ready either? Kagome, he's a nineteen year old guy. He's been ready for sex for years!" He smiled as Kagome laughed. "And you... I think you're ready too."

"I want to, Bank. God, do I want to," she almost whined. "It's just... it's forever."

"And? Didn't you tell him yes, that you want to be his mate? Mating is forever. It's not like you told him 'yes, I'm ready for sex but not mating yet'. You know you're ready."

"Yeah, I am. I know I want to be with him forever and I definitely want to be with him. So much that it hurts sometimes," she groaned.

"Getting into the too much information area now, Babe," he said with a laugh. "So if you're ready and he's ready then why wait?"

"Because I don't think he's really ready." She looked around, glancing up at the ceiling before returning her eyes to his. "Can we go outside to talk about this?"

Without a word, Bank stood, lifting her with him, and carried her into the backyard, settling her in one lawn chair before claiming another himself. "Alright, go on," he nudged.

"He's... He's scared." When Bankotsu gave her a look she couldn't help but laugh. "I mean it. He's a virgin, Bank, and he said he's worried that he won't do a good job, that he won't..." she paused for a moment, blushing a brilliant red, "please me."

"He's a virgin?" Bank asked incredulously. "Mr. 'I exude sex from every pore'? Mr. 'Every girl I have ever met has practically begged me to fuck her'? No way."

"I'm serious! It has something to do with the syndrome. He can't get turned on by anyone but," she turned away, her blush darkening further, "anyone but me."

"So for more than four years he hasn't been able to get it up? And he just found out about the syndrome now, so he didn't even know why? Damn, that's rough! That had to be... embarrassing."

"I can only imagine, especially since you guys seem to think that everything that makes you a man can be found in your pants."

He smirked at her. "No wonder he's such a cold ass! I can't imagine being sexually frustrated for that long! I would have died long ago."

Kagome broke down into giggles at the thought of just how frustrated Sesshoumaru must have been, her blood heating all the while at the mental pictures dancing through her mind. "That certainly could explain some of it."

"Well, if you want, I could give him some tips."

"No!" Kagome answered a little too quickly and a little too loudly. "You can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Three reasons. One: I do not want to think about the fact that he's using your moves on me. That's just..." She shuddered and Bank gave a hurt look. "It's not that I don't love you, I do. It's just that you're like my brother. It would be like being with you like that! No, no tips."

"Okay, fine," he said with a fake pout. "I get it. What else?"

"Inuyasha cannot know! Could you imagine?"

"He wouldn't be so bad!"

"Yeah, let's tell him that his older brother has had erectile dysfunction for the last four years. That'll go over great. Sesshoumaru would never speak to me again! I shouldn't even have told you!"

Bank smirked. "Okay, okay, I won't tell him. He would be a massive ass, wouldn't he?"

"Definitely. And finally, no tips because I like it that way."

"But he's worried about disappointing you. I get that, trust me."

"You mean, your first time wasn't good?"

"It certainly wasn't what I thought it would be. She wasn't a virgin and she wasn't very patient with my inexperience. I can't even imagine two virgins together. Even with the lights on it will be like fumbling around in the dark."

"I'm sorry, Bank. But I want to be fumbling in the dark. He'll be my first, I'll be his, and we'll only ever be with each other. We'll figure it all out together. I think it's romantic."

"Romantic it may be, but you're more than likely going to end up disappointed."

"He could never disappoint me," Kagome said in a scolding tone.

"Trust me, he could. You have sex, he's guaranteed to finish. You... not so much. If he doesn't know what he's doing then there's a good chance you're gonna be very frustrated."

"Think about it, Bank. Do you really think he's the kind of guy to leave anything half-done? No. I have a feeling he would keep going for however long it took until I..." Her brilliant red cheeks made Bank wonder if there was any blood left in the rest of her body at all.

"Until you came? Yeah, you're right. He certainly seems the determined kind."

"Besides, his voice alone is enough. He could just whisper in my ear with that deep, husky tone and I would..." Kagome's eyes widened and she clapped her hand over her mouth, mortified. "See, this is why I need Jak! There are just some things I can't talk to you about! It's just weird."

"I tend to agree with you. I don't ever want to picture you like that. But, if he does a crappy job, don't hesitate to send him to one of us for help. I know Miroku would be thrilled to share his copious knowledge of the female form."

Kagome laughed but still shook her head. "No help. We'll figure this all out on our own. If I end up disappointed in the beginning, oh well. That just means we'll have to practice, something I am definitely not against. Not a bit."

"Thank god we're putting you in the basement!"