InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Syndrome ❯ Confession is Good for the Soul ( Chapter 51 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

I do not own Inuyasha and Company, no matter how happy it would make me. Rumiko Takahashi does. I make no money from these fics.

Chapter 51 – Confession is Good for the Soul

Sesshoumaru lay curled up on his side, staring at his cell phone and silently begging for it to ring. More than two hours had passed since he'd left Kagome a message and he hadn't heard a peep. He wasn't surprised, just disappointed. He was also just the tiniest bit relieved, since he hadn't been looking forward to confessing every despicable thing he'd done to the woman he loved.

The sound of the front door opening and closing was ignored, but a moment later he caught the sound of her voice. His pulse sped up while the pain in his chest increased. She was there! Now he could only hope that she had come to see him. He desperately needed to lay eyes on her, to hear her voice and smell her scent. The pain had grown worse and worse each day they were apart, and he didn't doubt that his time was running short.

He could hear as the guys greeted her and they chatted for a few moments before their voices lowered and he frowned. They were talking about him and didn't want him to overhear. Sure, it could have been completely innocent, but he would much rather she come upstairs and check on him herself if she was concerned, which he hoped she was. He would understand completely if she wasn't though, and if she had decided to completely write him off, but he didn't think Kagome would do that. She was far too caring to simply forget about him.

Though the pain was still making normal breathing difficult, the taiyoukai quickly sat up and ran his fingers through his long silver strands, trying to undo the knots and tangles that had formed during his week in bed. He frowned as he realized just how greasy his hair was, but there was nothing to be done about it. He wasn't going to jump in the shower and risk missing her. A small part of his mind wondered if perhaps it was a good thing he looked absolutely pathetic; maybe she would go easier on him. He quickly scolded that part of him, not wanting her pity. He wanted and needed her love and forgiveness, but he had to earn it.

The sound of light footsteps on the stairs sent a thrill through him, and his beast whined in his head as the need to see her grew more urgent. She was coming, and more likely than not, he would have to face her disappointment and disgust when she heard all he had to say. The moments ahead might very well be the last chance he would have to be in her presence.

Kagome appeared in his open doorway and knocked on the doorframe, her eyes never leaving the floor. Looking over himself, Sesshoumaru cursed the fact that he hadn't changed his clothes. He was still in the same pair of jeans he'd pulled on after their intimate evening together, and they were more wrinkled than he even knew jeans could be. Noticing that she refused to look at him, a whimper escaped without his permission. Finally she glanced up at him and the corners of his lips twitched upwards for just half a second. She was still as beautiful as always, even if her eyes did look different. They were missing the joy he'd grown used to seeing there, and he knew that the change was his fault.

"You said you were ready to explain?"

Sesshoumaru nodded. "Yes. Please, come in and sit down. This will take some time." He prayed that she would choose to sit beside him on the bed, but he wasn't surprised when she pulled out his desk chair, turning it to face him, and then made herself comfortable. "First, I want you to know that I truly regret all of the things I am about to tell you. I know that will not make up for what I have done and I won't blame you in the slightest if you choose to never see or speak to me again."

Kagome sighed. "Sesshoumaru, stop trying to assume how I will react and just tell me. That's what caused all of this in the first place, when you decided that I would never even consider being with you. You were wrong about that, so maybe you're wrong about this, too. It can't be that horrible."

He shook his head. "It is, though. I have behaved deplorably, without care to the harm I caused others." Seeing that she wasn't going to reply, he sucked in a deep breath and began. "I am going to start at the beginning so that you know everything that I tried to keep from you."

She nodded. "All right."

"My problem began the first day I laid eyes on you at your freshman orientation. That night I was awakened by a very... erotic dream. I could not see the face of the woman in my dream, only her brilliant blue eyes, her raven hair, and her body. I awoke in the early hours of the morning both aroused and confused, unable to go back to sleep. This continued daily for some time, and the lack of sleep began to get to me, putting my grades at risk as I was far too exhausted to focus properly.

"I decided that these dreams had to mean something, and eventually deduced that my body was ready for sexual intercourse. If I were to lose my virginity, the dreams, and the frustrations that came with them, would cease, and I would once again be in control of my life. Though I only desired the woman in my dreams, I thought her only to be a figment of my imagination, and so I settled for a female in my class that I deemed to be adequate. I chose her partially for her resemblance to the woman I dreamt of.

"I asked her out early in the week and immediately regretted it, as she took it as an invitation to hang all over me. By the night of our date, I greatly disliked her. Still, I figured that I had suffered enough already and I did not wish to start over with another girl who would likely behave in the same way, so I went through with it. I took her to dinner and she never stopped talking. I wished myself deaf a dozen times, but I had a plan and I intended to see it through.

"After dinner, I drove to a secluded location and she was all too eager to proceed. She kissed me and it was not a pleasant experience. She touched me and it almost seemed as if my body itself were rejecting her. When she failed to arouse me with her hand, she..." Sesshoumaru took in one long, slow breath before forcing himself to continue. "At my suggestion, she tried with her mouth." He could see that Kagome was uncomfortable, but he knew he needed to tell her everything, no matter how hard it was for him to say, or for her to hear.

"The longer she touched me, the more uncomfortable I became. Eventually I realized that it was not going to work and I stopped her. I was angry with my own body and with her, and I allowed her to think that it was her fault. That she was not good enough to please me. I could not allow it to get out that I could not perform, so I told her that I would tell no one of her failure so long as she never spoke a word about what had happened. She was in tears as I drove her home and though I felt some guilt, it was not enough to cause me to do anything about it."

"Oh, Sesshoumaru," Kagome said, her voice laced with disappointment. "You sacrificed her self-confidence for your reputation? So, was that her? The neko?"

The taiyoukai shook his head, ashamed. "Yes I did, but no, that was not the girl Inuyasha had an encounter with. Sadly, there is a great deal more. It is up to you whether you wish to hear it."

The miko sighed but nodded. "Go on, then."

"Over time, the dreams came less frequently and I was able to deal with them better. I no longer suffered from crippling exhaustion. I had decided that after that horrible night, I would never attempt to date again. I could not risk what had happened to happen again and, in all honesty, I didn't want to know what the problem was. I was still awoken once or twice a week by the dreams and I was always aroused by them, but it seemed as if that was the only time I could... get an erection. I now know that the Syndrome was the cause, but at the time I had no idea what the problem was, and I was far too embarrassed to mention it to my father."

Kagome smiled softly at him. "I imagine so. That had to be hard."

"It was, but that does not excuse my behavior."

"No, it doesn't," she said, and the pain in his chest instantly grew to nearly unbearable levels. Seeing the pain he was in, Kagome quickly closed the distance between them by sitting beside him. "Are you alright?" she asked, the concern in her voice seeming to reduce the agony. When he didn't answer right away, she hesitantly put her hand on his leg and Sesshoumaru smiled at her as the pain disappeared.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"For what?" she asked, confused.

"For not turning your back on me yet. For taking away the pain."

Kagome sighed. "I don't want you to be in pain, Sesshoumaru. No matter what you did, you don't deserve to suffer."

"You are far too good for me," he whispered. "I suppose I should continue." When she nodded, he started again.

"Several months after the date, I saw you again; it was at Inuyasha's sixteenth birthday party. The sound of your laughter drew me downstairs and I saw him holding you. He kissed your forehead and it... almost angered me, though I did not understand my reaction. He then threw you over his shoulder and I saw your... backside, in very tight jeans." He couldn't help but grin at the sound of Kagome's giggle. He'd had no idea how to word it and didn't want to be offensive, though he knew just how awkward he'd sounded then.

"Anyway, the sight caused something to happen that had never occurred, at least not while I was awake. I was instantly aroused, and it led me to believe that perhaps, whatever had caused the problem had passed. At the time, I had no reason to believe only you could turn me on. I still hadn't realized it was you in my dreams, as we had very little contact and I had only seen you a few times, mostly from a distance, as I avoided Inuyasha as much as possible."

Kagome nodded her head in understanding, and he found that he was extremely grateful that she had not removed her hand from his leg. Just that simple touch seemed to give him the strength to continue.

"After that day, the dreams picked up again. They happened more and more frequently and my frustration was growing by the day. This time I did not approach a girl; she approached me. She found me in the hall after school had ended and attempted to seduce me. This was the girl that you learned about. I believe her name was Aiko. She led me to the empty teachers' lounge and proposed an intriguing sort of arrangement. She claimed she had a boyfriend who was not an impressive lover and she wished to be intimate with me while continuing to date him. She was merely looking for sexual gratification and was determined to get it from me. Since I believed my problem had resolved itself, I saw no harm in it.

"Still, I was wary of once again being unable to become aroused, and to protect myself I told her that I could only become aroused by women of a certain caliber and that I did not know if she were good enough. I said that if she could succeed in arousing me, we could continue, but if she failed she would never approach me again. She took it as a challenge and immediately began to disrobe. She removed her shirt and bra. That was the first time I had touched a woman's breasts. I..." he sighed again, finding the details difficult, but he plowed through.

"I took a nipple in my mouth, and while she seemed to enjoy it, it caused a strange pain in my chest. At that point I realized that it was not going to work. No matter what she did, I knew she would not succeed in arousing me, but I had to allow her to try. Otherwise, she might have realized that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. She was nothing if not determined, and once again a female tried to pleasure me orally. It caused the discomfort in my chest to grow until it was almost unbearable and I had to forcibly remove her from my body.

"She did not easily accept defeat and was quite angered. Again, I made sure that she believed it was her failure and not my own, reminding her that she was not of the caliber required to arouse this Sesshoumaru. I told her the same thing as I had the first girl, that I would spare her the humiliation of allowing her inadequacy to become public, but only if she were to never approach me again. She was extremely offended by the implication that she was not good enough, which is why, I assume, she went to such lengths in an attempt to punish me. I never knew, before you approached me last week, that she had done what she did with Inuyasha. He never said a word."

"Yeah," Kagome agreed. "He was embarrassed. He'd thought she was actually interested in him. When he found out he was just a pawn in her revenge attempt against you, he refused to play his part and give her that satisfaction. Sesshoumaru, why? Why would you willingly hurt a girl, more than one girl, just to protect your reputation?"

His head dropped with shame and he couldn't look at her as he replied. "Because I was an arrogant fool who believed that my image was more important than anyone else's feelings." She shook her head, but her hand remained on his thigh and she squeezed softly, almost as if in support. "There is still more."

When she lifted her hand on his leg to her mouth in shock, a whine of pain and need escaped him. Her touch had been all that was getting him through such an uncomfortable conversation, and now she'd taken that away. He didn't doubt that she was too disgusted with him to continue any physical contact. He knew he deserved her disgust and worse, but it didn't help ease the torture of the Syndrome. Still, he almost relished in the pain, as he knew he had more than earned the punishment.

"Shall I go on?" he asked nervously. He didn't doubt that she had heard enough and never wished to see him again, but if she wanted to know everything, he was going to tell her.

Kagome nodded, her face showing her disappointment in his actions. She needed to hear all he had to say. That way there would never be a misunderstanding like this again. They needed to clear the air before she could decide if their relationship could continue.

"The next time I really saw you again was near Christmas-time, when you and your friends came to help decorate the tree. I remember becoming angry when I saw you sitting so comfortably on Bankotsu, and then Inuyasha's lap. I didn't understand the feeling, but it only grew worse as Inuyasha picked you up on his shoulders so that you could place the star on the top of the tree. You looked as though you belonged there, trusting him so much with your safety. I experienced jealousy for the first time in my life.

"When you climbed under the tree to plug in the lights, I was aroused by you once more." He could feel his cheeks burning with his embarrassment. It was difficult to confess just how easily she could affect him, but he needed her to know that she was the only one who could. "I left the room quickly and tried to analyze the situation. I realized then that the last time I had become successfully aroused by anything other than a dream was by you, and I decided I needed to figure out how that was possible and what exactly it meant."

He stopped and fell silent for several long moments, his breathing labored at the thought of what he had to confess next. Eventually, the tension of waiting got to Kagome and she had to break the silence. "Sesshoumaru?"

"I'm sorry. This next part is rather embarrassing."

"More so than everything else so far?" she asked in disbelief.

He nodded. "Yes. Somehow it is."

"Well, you don't have to tell me if you're really uncomfortable with it."

"No, I need to get through everything. You deserve to know, and a part of me really wants to tell you. I have never spoken a word of it to anyone and I feel that sharing it will, perhaps, make me feel better, even if it changes the way you look at me. I have already succeeded in ruining what we had, so I may as well."

Kagome looked at him long and hard before sighing. "You haven't ruined everything, Sesshoumaru. I... Even though I don't like what you did, I still..." She paused, unsure if she really wanted to continue that sentence. Seeing the worry in his eyes and the pain of thinking that he'd lost her forever pushed her on. "I still love you, Sesshoumaru. Everyone makes mistakes, and even though yours were pretty awful, I... I can't lie about how I feel and I've never stopped loving you, not even when you refused to explain and left me questioning everything. I think that's why it hurt so much, because of how strongly I feel about you."

Relief flooded his face and he relaxed in a way that he hadn't since before their conversation a week ago. "I really don't deserve you," he said while gazing at her with an expression of such adoration that her heart sped up and her stomach erupted with butterflies.

"You're too hard on yourself, Sesshoumaru," she said before she leaned in and allowed her lips to brush against his. It was quick and light and it left him craving more, but it also gave him the strength to push on. She still loved him, even after everything he had confessed! What came next wasn't necessarily worse than what he'd already shared, and he was left with the hope that perhaps they could still be together after all.

"I love you, Kagome, so much." She smiled and allowed him to take her hand, their fingers interlocking automatically, as if they'd been holding hands like that for years. It felt so right, her small hand in his larger one, and it brought to the surface a swell of protective instincts. After all of this was finished, after the air between them was clear, he was determined to never hurt her again. Her heart was his to protect and nothing in the world was worth losing her love.

"All right. Well, upon realizing that I only seemed to be able to be aroused by you, I decided I needed to figure out exactly what that meant. I spent a lot of time thinking about it until I devised a plan to learn just how far that went, and if there were any exceptions. Because I believed that I would never have a chance with you, and you would never even consider being with me, I had to figure out some way around my situation so that I would not be alone and a virgin forever."

Kagome grinned at him, squeezing his hand affectionately. "You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you'd just asked me out."

"That is true, but I did not know that at the time."

She sighed and he looked at her with concern. "Kagome?"

"It's just sad, all the time we missed out on, all the loneliness, all the longing. It was such a waste. If only we hadn't been so blind to how the other felt..."

"I know just what you mean, but nothing can change the past. I am more than happy with whatever future we may have together. Better now than never." She nodded, causing a few strands of her hair to escape, and he used his free hand to gently brush them back behind her ear. He caressed her cheek lovingly before forcing himself to stop touching her and continue talking. Otherwise, he would never finish and he wanted to get through it all. He still held her hand though, appreciating her silent support.

"I devised a series of experiments. I even took notes at each stage so that I would be able to analyze whatever I learned and ensure I did not forget anything. The first experiment consisted of simply fantasizing. I imagined myself in sexual situations with beautiful women for a length of time with no results and then did the same with thoughts of you. I quickly became aroused and, after taking care of the situation," his cheeks flushed pink at that, "I noted my results."

"You spent an awful lot of time masturbating, didn't you?" she asked, amusement obvious in her voice. He nodded, blushing brighter as she giggled and leaned her forehead on his shoulder. "You know, that's not an unpleasant mental image. I might just have to get a demonstration one of these days."

His eyes widened for a moment before he lifted one eyebrow. "You never fail to surprise me, Kagome."

"I'm not hearing a no," she said with a wide grin.

"I might be persuaded to do so, if you were to do the same for me, that is." It was her turn to blush and he chuckled. He pressed his lips to her temple and forced himself to focus on the conversation at hand and not the mental picture that his words had created. "I would certainly enjoy that."

"Oh, quit teasing me and get talking already," she said with a laugh.

"As you wish. The next stage of my experiments was more visual. I spent quite a bit of time surfing Internet pornography. I forced myself to view many different genres, just in case I was confused over my sexual orientation."

"You looked at gay porn?" Kagome interrupted, unable to keep silent at the revelation.

"I did. It was rather unpleasant. I also checked out some of the more obscure things by browsing fetish galleries."

"What kind of fetishes?" she asked and he was surprised by the excitement in her tone.

He thought back for a moment before answering. "Bondage, food, feet... I just clicked on everything."

"Bondage like tying up the girl or tying up the guy?"

He studied her face, intrigued by her curiosity. "Both, actually. Why?" When she blushed and refused to answer, he smirked. "Does one of those peak your interest?"

"We're not talking about me right now. Keep going with your story."

His smirked widened. "Fine, but we will be returning to this topic eventually. As I said, I viewed pornography, but only stills, no video at that point. After some time, I was convinced I would get no response. At that point I went to Inuyasha's website and looked through his photographs of you."

"Which ones?"

"They were of the previous Halloween, when you wore traditional miko clothing. I did not get a single stir at the most graphic of images, but seeing you fully clothed, head to toe, turned me on instantly."
"Really?"

"Of course. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and you never fail to arouse me." When she looked away, obviously embarrassed, he gently caught her chin and turned her face back towards him. "I am not exaggerating or merely trying to compliment you. I am completely serious. I absolutely ache for you, even now, when I am confessing things that I am not proud of. You are simply irresistible."

She raised a brow at him in a very familiar way, and he was surprised when her hand brushed across his lap, as if she were seeking to confirm what he'd just told her. She found what she was looking for and he moaned in pleasure as she stroked his erection softly through his jeans. "If you wish for me to continue, you may want to stop that." He couldn't help but smirk at her embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You never need to apologize for touching me, not when it is so pleasurable. Kagome, I have been wanting your touch for years, never thinking it was possible, and as soon as we have finished this discussion you are welcome to do whatever you want with me."

"I'll keep that in mind. Go on," she said softly.

"The next stage of my experiments was video. Again, I viewed pornography and once I was convinced I would get no reaction, I watched videos of you. I had to sneak into Inuyasha's room and copy it off of his computer. You were dancing, until you noticed the camera and demanded they turn it off. They didn't, by the way. They merely set it down as you proceeded to try to teach them to dance. I stopped the video then. I didn't want to watch you with them, but what I had seen, only a few minutes, was more than enough. Again, only you could arouse me.

"The next step required another girl and it was not difficult to find one that was willing to assist me in any way I desired." When he saw her frown, he apologized. "I am sorry for what I did, Kagome, for taking advantage of the attraction those young women had for me."

"That's not it," she replied. "I just don't like the idea of so many girls being after you, even though I already knew that."

"There is no need to be jealous. I have no interest in any other woman, save you. They do nothing for me and never will."

"I know. It's just... They're willing to throw themselves at you, even without any encouragement."

"I assure you, I do not enjoy it. Though it did serve to inflate my ego, it truly was more of an annoyance than anything. I only ever wanted to catch your eye. I... I convinced her to join me in a supply closet and she attempted the same thing as the other girls. She easily blamed herself for her failure and I allowed it, even encouraged it, to ensure her silence. Then I rushed to locate you in the cafeteria. Just the sight of you was enough. It was a bonus that you bent over to pick up your backpack."

"You have a thing for my ass, don't you?" she asked with a grin.

"Indeed I do."

"So, did you actually masturbate at school then?"

He nodded. "It would not have gone away otherwise. I thought at that point that I had everything figured out, but then I began to wonder. If I found a girl that looked like you, or if I simply pictured you until I was successfully aroused, could I then be with someone else? So I had to continue."

"Oh, gods, tell me it wasn't Kikyo."

"No. I considered her for her similarities to you, but she was far too promiscuous for me to even think of touching her. I also considered your friend, Rin, but decided it would be unwise to involve anyone you cared about, just in case you were to learn of what I did."

"You thought of everything, didn't you?"

"I tried to. I really did. When I couldn't find a girl that looked enough like you I had to find another route. I actually found a potion that would change someone's appearance. I chose Sara because she was as similar to you as I could manage. I took her on a picnic, because no one could be around to see the transformation or they might have alerted her to the change. At first I merely pictured you and I succeeded in becoming aroused but as soon as she attempted to touch me, I lost my erection and I was forced to try the potion.

"It was amazing, how well it worked. Only her eyes were wrong. But it wasn't enough. I tried to kiss her, but the same pain showed itself like always. I knew she wasn't really you and I couldn't ignore the growing discomfort. I had to make her stop touching me, and it became obvious that the pain was meant to keep me from even trying to be with anyone else. I left her with the same impression, that it was her failings that made being together impossible. That was the last time I attempted any kind of physical contact. I was convinced that I would only ever be able to be with you, and I thought that was impossible, so I resigned myself to being alone forever.

"It was after that when I realized that it was you in my dreams. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. From the very beginning I would confess my love to the girl in my dreams, almost every night, and yet it took me forever to realize that it was you. It was always you."

"You're sorry, right? For hurting all those girls?"

"I am," he replied honestly, and Kagome could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"I imagine you don't really want to contact them all, apologize, and tell them that it wasn't their fault after all, right?"

"Not really," he said, uncomfortable with even the idea of confessing that he'd been unable to achieve an erection and that it had absolutely nothing to do with them.

Kagome sighed. "I don't think it would really make any difference to them anyway. It would just serve to embarrass you more and they probably wouldn't understand the Syndrome, even if you tried to explain it all. All right then," she said with a nod. She'd made up her mind. "I forgive you. Now you need to forgive yourself."

"I... I'm not sure that I can," he answered honestly. The guilt he felt had grown with each girl, even though he had felt at the time that he had no other choice.

"You'll get there. So, about that demonstration we discussed..."

"Gods, I love you, Kagome," he whispered before leaning in to kiss her. Every bit of the pain he'd suffered for so long evaporated with her forgiveness and he once again had hope for the future. They would be together, mated, and he would be happy every single moment for the rest of his life, all because of her.