InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Tale of Sesshoumaru ❯ Kindness is Weak ( Chapter 58 )

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The wind was growing so cold that their fingers were always numb and Sango was beginning to shiver all the time. The men decided it was time to give up and return to the estate for the winter. She couldn't keep going and the trail had grown cold. Coming up to the gates there was no one to greet them, and Sesshoumaru thought it strange. At least Jaken would have come running once his smell was on the wind, but Jaken was no where to be found.

 

He gave a look to Hizumeha, who picked up on the silence too. Pulling their weapons they gave a knowing look to InuYasha who pulled his as well. Sango was too tired to do anything. She just sat on Kirara and hung back.

 

The men made a triangle formation and walked into the courtyard. Widening their position, Sesshoumaru climbed the main steps and up to the doors. All three were taking deep breaths but could smell nothing odd. Opening the door, he found the place as if nothing was going on and he motioned to the others. Hizumeha took a running jump and pole vaulted with his spear up to the second story, InuYasha jumping up to the second and then taking the third. Like bandits they snuck into windows and balcony doors. Sesshoumaru was pissed. The place should not have been left so defenseless.

 

Jaken was found back in the kitchens, the smell of cooking so strong that he couldn't have sensed Sesshoumaru if he had tried. When he saw his master the toad let out a happy exclamation. “Oh Lord Sesshoumaru! We are so glad to see you!” He immediately dropped down to his shins and palms, bowing his head over his hands in utmost respect and groveling.

 

“Where are the others?” Sesshoumaru asked in a quiet low tone, keeping his sword at a high guard.

 

“Her ladyship is in her bed chambers. She hasn't left the room for days. Lady Rin is in the women's wing with Kagome and Shippo. They have been planning a garden for next year. She wants to plant flowers.”

 

“What of the others?” the demon asked, somewhat surprised that his wife was here and not playing a game of shinobi-go-seek with him. She had been angry enough over how he had yelled at Rin that he expected her to flee. He could tell by her eyes that last day that she was thinking it.

 

“The mares are down at the river. They like to bathe during the day.”

 

“Out in the cold?”

 

“They are stupid.”

 

“hn.” Sesshoumaru nodded and sheathed his sword. He took a deep breath. He was finally home.

 

Padding down the halls he ran into the others on his way to his chambers. He ordered one of them, he didn't care which one, to go and tell Sango it was safe to enter then decided to go see his wife. After almost a month of being without her, he was glad she was here. He had missed the familiar dog smell of her hair and fur, the way she cuddled with him in the mornings, the way she played the koto after dinner.

 

He opened her door and she never moved, her back to the door as she laid in her bed. He knew that she knew he was there and approached.

 

Long silent moments ticked by, Sesshoumaru standing like a statue, studying her tall body, the curve of her back, the large mound of her belly. He was glad to see her in this form, a kissable form. A hugable form. He had missed her more than he had realized.

 

She couldn't bring herself to turn over. For days she had laid in her bed staring at the wall. She had come home alone at first, Kagome coming back after her tests were over. Depression had taken her over, making her doubt everything she had ever believed in. All of her dreams of world domination seemed futile now. All her dreams of peace and prosperity. All her dreams of a world where youkai and humans could live equally. All out the window.

 

Her years of caring had been for nothing. Her plans childish. The world would go on with or without her, doing it's own thing, fulfilling it's own destiny. It was a destiny without youkai.

 

And what hurt the most was the idea of bringing her child into a world that would not want him. A place that would fear him, scorn him and likely hunt him down. Sess and Akane were living in lies, dressed up like humans, cutting off their ears. There were no pastures for them to roam full size. No forests to play in, just stone and that stuff Kagome called concrete. That was no place for a dog. She took her pillow and covered her head, hiding from Sesshoumaru's gaze.

 

“Still angry over Rin?” he asked, wanting to know if this odd behavior of hers was caused by their last fight or if it was something new. He had never seen her before like this, the sparkle out of her eye and body language. At least when she was angry she was alive.

 

“No. Just go away.”

 

Sesshoumaru did not like what he was hearing. His normally lively and heated bride laying like a pathetic lump. He sat on the edge of the futon, forcibly rolling her over and throwing the pillow away to discover her eyes starting to cloud over in white. What ever it was that was upsetting her was driving her to take the deep sleep. She wanted to escape.

 

“Talk to me,” he said softly, his deep voice soothing and calm.

 

“That's new.” Akanesuji rolled her head back to stare at the wall. He rested his hand over her big belly and felt Manatsu kick at him.

 

“I will not let you play Shinobi-go-seek the lazy way. Wake up.”

 

“Your dreams are coming true, Sesshoumaru-sama. You're going to be free of all responsibility.” She grabbed his hand and pushed him off her, curling back into a ball away from him.

 

He noted how she called him Sesshoumaru-sama, his honorific used in public, but no longer used in the privacy of their bed chambers. Something was deeply wrong, and it was more than a little pissy fight between them. Her voice had been monotonous and paced.

 

The demon closed his eyes and tried to think of what it could possibly be, but there was nothing. Nothing except his time with Kagura. Only that could have upset her so. He wondered how she had found out. Hizumeha had not been here to tell her. “I'm sorry,” he said to her, wanting her to stay.

 

“It doesn't matter.”

 

Sesshoumaru bent over to kiss her. Her cheeks were chilled like she had sat out in the cold. Touching her neck her body was warmer, but her face disturbed him. Those big pink orbs were like rose quartz, a pale pink haze with no deep black pupil. “I love you,” he told her with worry in his voice.

 

“I love you too,” she said, a tear coming down her cheek.

 

Sesshoumaru put his hand on her shoulder and bowed his head. He was feeling a combination of shame and guilt but he swallowed it down. He was a lord, dammit, and he could do as he pleased. “How did you find out?”

 

“I saw it all with my own two eyes,” she answered.

 

That was how she knew about Kagura. She had followed them on their hunt using her kinochi skills, caught him with Kagura in the night like the others had and then left when she had seen enough. She must have laid here for days trying to take the deep sleep. He wondered if she had eaten at all.

 

“Akanesuji. Get up. This is ridiculous. Kagura can never take your place. You'll always be first wife.” He rubbed her shoulder and waited, hoping she would at least argue with him. Anything to get her up.

 

Akanesuji suddenly realized Sesshoumaru was talking about something totally different than what she was. While her thoughts had been about the ending of the youkai race, he was talking about some woman. She grabbed up her pillow again and put it over her head to hide that her eyes were clearing up from anger. She repeated his words over and over in her head, analyzing them. Kagura can never take your place. You'll always be first wife. This Kagura was obviously some sort of rival. Was this someone he had known before they married? Someone he was still seeing now? Was this someone who might become second wife? She had to ask her questions carefully. “Will you bring her here?” she asked as quietly and calmly as she could.

 

“No, love. She belongs to someone else,” he answered, thinking that would satisfy her. Kagura would never be part of their lives together, a temporary thing. But that hurt Akanesuji more than if he had said she was a potential second wife. A second wife was honorable, but if he was sneaking to see a married woman, it meant that he had feelings for her.

 

“How long?” she asked before her voice could betray her growing emotions.

 

“Since Naraku attacked you.”

 

Akanesuji started to sob. “Go.”

 

Sesshoumaru was confused by the sudden change in her. She wasn't laying cold anymore but racked with crying. He was glad she wasn't going into sleep, but now she was really hurt. He hadn't expected her reaction to be so tough on him. Her crying was touching him deep inside. What had he done? “Honey. She means little to me. She is dying.”

 

She took that to mean that he was fucking a human. A woman who not only was married to someone else, but who would die in the next few decades. She could not deal with that rivalry, even if it was only for a short time. She was pregnant and needed him now, astounded that he would take a lover now in her most vulnerable state. How could he do this just after she was nearly attacked and killed? “No. I mean nothing to you. You think nothing of me,” she said in bitter coolness.

 

“You're wrong.”

 

“You always want to run away. Well here is your chance Sesshoumaru. Run. Run away as fast as you can.” She took in a deep breath and then calmed herself, settling her mind to go into the deep sleep once again. Eyes closed, she relaxed her body and started the deep slow breathing that would make it come. This time she would do it. There was no point in staying here. She would come back after the human was gone.

 

Sesshoumaru pulled the pillow off her face and rolled her back once again, seeing the red puffy skin around her eyes. He pried open an eyelid and saw the haze deepen. “Don't leave me, Akanesuji. I'm ordering you not to leave me. I love you.”

 

“I won't share you.” she whispered as she felt her skin go numb, her finger tips deadened and her legs light. Over the next twenty minutes her body went lifeless and her breathing slowed.

 

The lord of the Western land stood and left the room. He could not watch her do this to herself.

 

Sesshoumaru sat on his shins before the suit of armor made from his father's claws. He looked at the dog shaped mask and nothing else, praying for guidance for the first time in his long life. How had his father dealt with his mother and InuYasha's mother at the same time, he wondered to himself. He could not recall how it had played out in his mind. He was younger then, distracted with other things.

 

It seemed his mother did not mind, but then again, his mother was not Akanesuji. She was ever the regal and faithful servant to his father, more like a close friend and confidant than passionate lover. Akanesuji though, she craved him with her heart and soul, demanding things from him he couldn't always give. He felt she expected too much.

 

After all, he had slept with Kagura through blackmail. He had at first done it for her.

 

The second time though, he did it because his heart told him to, or at least his pants had. Why couldn't she accept his words, accept that his love for Kagura was but a passing thing? Why did she have to demand so much all the time?

 

And then again, here she was telling him to go. To run. To leave her. He was so confused. He didn't understand women at all. Stupid, fickle, moody ass things.

 

And then there was the other pulling, a third and more dark and sinister pulling. Moko-moko-sama would not obey since that strange night. It would lift off his shoulder and try to touch InuYasha when ever he stood too close. And while he had dominated over the other dog, he couldn't shake the feeling that somehow InuYasha had dominated over him in return. It was not a simple, cut-and-dry thing. The teeth marks he had left in his brother meant little when Moko-moko-sama was threatening to leave him for another.

 

Then lastly, there was Rin. His daughter's words haunted him daily. “You stupid dog.” These days he did feel like a stupid dog. Stupid because he couldn't control his wife. Stupid because he couldn't control his daughter. Stupid because he couldn't control his own Moko-moko-sama. Stupid because he couldn't figure out a way to rescue Kagura. Deep inside he knew he wasn't stupid at all, but self doubt was certainly finding it's place. Things were much more simple back when it was just he, Rin and Jaken patrolling the countryside.

 

Jaken was ever devoted. Rin utterly dependent. This self doubt all started with Akanesuji coming back into his life and while he couldn't live with her, he couldn't imagine being without her either. She made his life a mess.

 

“What am I to do father?” he asked the opalescent mask, carefully tied to the samurai helmet as it sat on the armor rack. “I can fight battles, kill hundreds, save lives, but this. This totally confounds me.”

 

It seemed like the mask was laughing at him, the up turned snarl meant to scare an enemy looking more like a snicker. The hallowed out eyes stared him down and made him feel small. Sesshoumaru's mind turned to how he could never be good enough for his father. Never strong enough. Never clever enough. Never compassionate enough. He ruled the land only because his father died, not because he had earned it. He had defended it several times successfully, but had won only by sure luck. He had lost many servants along the way, their souls resting on his shoulders. If he had ruled better, they might never have died.

 

He hid these feelings under his mask of callousness, and he would do so again. Disdain and aloof had served him well over the years. It kept his emotions in check, others at bay. Self pity turned to anger. Kindness is weak, he told himself over and over again. He would not be weak. Fuck you father.

 

And fuck you Akanesuji. You and Rin and InuYasha. You will all know your place.