InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Way Things Are ❯ Kagome's Thoughts ( Chapter 1 )

Kagome walked silently to the well her thought consumed her. She really couldn't even take a walk anymore without daily thoughts about him without her mind being plagued with `What Ifs'. Her head was constantly swimming with thoughts about what the future here was going to be. How her life was going to be after they completed the Shikon no Tama. How she would be. How the journey would end. Far above the earth as Kagome walked a Hanyou watched with amber eyes only a single thought in his mind.

`I wonder what she's thinking.'

Kagome's Thoughts:

I think I know what I need to be with him. What I need to be like anyway. That isn't to say that it's a guaranteed way to get a relationship with him. It's to say that there is a way to act and I know it. I know I have to be the type of girl who can pursue a friendship harboring the feelings I have while constantly aware of the fact that it isn't going anywhere. I know I need to be the type of girl who doesn't mind getting insults thrown at her who doesn't care when he says this or that and who can still know deep down inside that he cares and that he is a good person. Well I can't do that. I can hear his cynicism and know that deep down inside he's got a good heart. I can hear his insults and know that deep down he does care even though he's a jerk. I can't go on without constantly pulling out curve balls to see how he feels. Sometimes I start fights to see how much he cares to hear him speak words of endearment that I know are going to make me feel better. I can't be the silent person who sits on the sidelines and takes all this shit. Maybe b/c of that I don't deserve him. I believe in soul mates. His soul mate I'm sure would be able to hear all this, take it in stride and still know he cared. His soul mate wouldn't be the type of person to sabotage a good thing just so she could get a little satisfaction. She'll be there constantly by his side no matter what. She won't give up and she won't have major fights with him all the time. I fight with him over petty things, as it is our way. His soul mate wont do that she'll just have the big fights with him that have really big meaning or however their relationship goes. But in the end when he realizes that she's the one for him she would have earned him and his love because she played the right part.

It's too easy to doubt what he feels. It's all to easy to pretend your being modest and than even easy to get lost in your fantasy world. First you start out with the 'ah he didn't mean it like that. I wish he did… but he didn't were just friends' thoughts. Those are the one's where you're doubtful of yourself. Your always confused as to how to interpret things but those are the thoughts where your doubtful of what means what. You act modest because it hurts too much to get your hopes up and act any other way. Though after a while when you've been friends, close friends, for a period of time theirs the "He did say that didn't he? Hmm maybe he does, maybe he does like me! maybe I should tell him." Those are the hopeful one's that mess with the mind more. When he does something where you don't have to be modest about it where it's so beyond friendship that it's an all expense paid trip to your fantasyland. You can never have a good balance where you're just friends and nothings ever weighing down on you. His soul mate would have that balance.

I wish I could say that he and Kikyou never had these… petty little fights that we always have. I wish I could say I'm sure he and Kikyou never battled it out. I wish I could say they got together in harmony and there was never any disagreement so big that it tore them apart for months at a time. I wish I could say that because than at least there would be a difference between us.

BUT

That isn't true. He and Kikyou argued from the start with petty fights, as she wore down his advances against the shikon no tama, as we have had our petty fights. They battled Constantly arrows flying after him. They had a fight that tore them apart for 50 years. He didn't love her any less for it. Neither of them loved the other any less when you think about it. The betrayal just tore them apart. Whenever Inuyasha and I fight over something that's actually important he hates me. It's a simple matter for him to turn his emotions for me off. Just like Kikyou did I formed a relationship with him. Just like the Naraku's betraying them did, so does Inuyasha does onto me with his feelings for Kikyou. The feelings he harbors for Kikyou betray those he has for me. If any; they were compatible in their solemnest and she was his soul mate. She had that balance with him instantly. She told him her sad story and he matched it word for word. She was never far from his thoughts. Where as I am the last thing on his mind. This is just the way things are.