InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Thoughts on a Girl ❯ Thoughts on a Girl ( Chapter 1 )

Thoughts on a Girl

Disclaimer - I don't own Inuyasha or any of the characters. I'm just writing stories about them.

Inuyasha sat staring in shock at his claws that were dripping blood. It had happened again, he had transformed into a full youkai - and he didn't remember any of it. He didn't remember killing all those bandits; but from the bodies lying on the ground and the long gashes from claws, not to mention the blood on his hands, it was obvious that he had done it. Suddenly snapping out of his dazed examination of his hands, he strode purposefully over to the river nearby the camp with the intention of cleaning himself off. At first he just crouched at the river's edge, but as he allowed the water to run over his hands he could still see the blood.

"Maybe if I just go a little deeper," he thought to himself, wading in until he was hip-deep in the icy cold river water. But it was no use. No matter how much water he used, the scent and image of blood staining his claws wouldn't go away. The images of the slaughtered bandits lying on the ground where he had left them, the whispers of the villagers as they called him a monster, the sidelong glances his friends gave him when they thought he wasn't paying attention. It was all too much for him to bear, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. For a moment he would almost have welcomed the transformation to his youkai form so that he could lose himself in blissful forgetfulness, but then he remembered the bloodshed that would accompany such a transformation and hated himself for wishing for it. Instead he slashed harder at the stream, pausing only when he smelled Kagome's familiar scent approaching him. Inuyasha swiped at the water a few more times, then waded out onto the bank near where she stood.

"Towel?" she asked, attempting to hand it to him.

"I don't need it," was his gruff reply as he stalked away, slumping down onto the ground in his characteristic cross-legged pose. Kagome followed shortly after. Inuyasha almost jumped as she sat near him, surprised that she wanted to be that close to him after what he'd done in the village.

"You don't have to force yourself to be around me you know," he commented harshly. He'd die before he admitted it, but he'd feel truly awful if she did leave. What if even Kagome didn't want to be near him anymore. Inuyasha would understand why, but after all she'd forgiven him for in the past, he didn't want his transformation to be the one thing that finally drove her away. She shifted slightly and he cringed, his ears flattening almost imperceptibly, as he waited for her to get up and walk away from him. He was a murderer, he deserved it.

Inuyasha had the surprise of his life when, instead of leaving him as he'd expected, she leaned in closer to him, resting her head on his back and her hands on his shoulders.

"I understand," Kagome said softly. After a moments hesitation, he covered her small hand with one of his own larger ones, uncomfortably aware of the claws that tipped his fingers.

"Kagome, it might be you that I tear with my claws the next time I transform," he thought sorrowfully. And that would be something he truly couldn't bear. To kill Kagome with his own hands, the same way Naraku had made it look like he'd killed Kikyo. "I should try and make her leave, send her back to her own time to protect her from...me. But I don't think I can let her go yet. Not when I need her so badly to find the shards." His mental voice quickly prompted him to add, "and because I need her with me. She's the first one to truly accept me for who and what I am since my mother died. Everyone else has tried to change me in some way, even Kikyo. But Kagome accepts me as me, even when I tried to kill her when we first met. I need her around.

"Should I really use the Shikon no Tama to change into a full youkai when it's completed. Miroku warned me that it might not give me what I thought it would, and after today I'm starting to think he was right. To use it and change into a monster and kill everyone I care about, I don't want to do that. But what if using the Shikon will allow me to control my youkai blood? If Toutousai was right, the only reason I go crazy right now is because my hanyou body can't tolerate my youkai blood. If I use the Shikon no Tama to change into a full youkai, will I still have that same problem? It's something to think about anyways.

"But what about Kikyo. She wanted me to use the jewel to change into a human. Now that she's back, should I do that instead? Why use the jewel at all if she's just going to drag me into hell as soon as it's completed? Argh! I don't know what to do, thinking about this is giving me a headache. I'll decide later, when we actually have the jewel. For now I'll just stay with Kagome and the others and try not to transform." Finished thinking for the time being, Inuyasha was about to stand up when he felt a small warm body resting against him. It was Kagome, who had fallen asleep while he was lost in thought. He let a brief smile touch his lips as he gazed on this girl who had enough trust in him to fall asleep on him hours after he'd slaughtered everything in sight. Not wanting to wake her, he simply scooped her into his arms and headed back to camp. The sleeping Kagome made no protest, simply snuggling deeper into his embrace and letting out a sleepy murmur of contentment.

When he walked into the camp, Sango made no comment and bashed Miroku over the head with Hiraikotsu when it looked like he was going to be his usual perverted self. At Inuyasha's nod towards Kagome's bag, she unrolled the sleeping bag stored there so that he could gently place the sleeping girl inside. Shippo quickly squirmed his way into his usual position on her stomach before falling asleep with the speed only small children can manage. Inuyasha gazed briefly on the peaceful scene before jumping into a tree and settling into a light sleep. His last thought was about how right it had felt holding Kagome, and how she had managed to cover up the smell of blood on his hands with her own scent. He'd definitely have to keep her around.

End

A.N. - Wow! I finished my first fanfic ever! I'm so proud of myself *does a happy dance*. I hope everyone liked it. Please review and give me your honest opinions of it, but no flames please. I know it's slightly inaccurate and that I missed some of the conversation in that episode between Inuyasha and Kagome, but my computer was being stupid and wouldn't let me watch the episode to get the dialogue right, so I had to go from memory. Gomen.