InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ TMWI Sidestory: Yuka Wars ❯ Episode One - The Phantom Penis ( Chapter 1 )

Yuka Wars: Tales of Modern Dating

Episode One - The Phantom Penis

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Rating: PG-13 (mostly for the title of this chapter, and when the situation just gets to be too much for Yuka, mild swearing. You know you would too.)

Disclaimers: I do not own Inuyasha, Star Wars, or a light saber. I swear.

Summary:

In each generation, there are heroes: individuals who enrich the age with their wit, strength, ingenuity, and love for humankind.

The rest - well, the rest are mostly idiots.

Among those idiots are some who can't even spell the word `idiot.'

And, lastly of all, there are the poor suckers that date them.

One such girl is Yuka.

These are her stories.

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Author's Note: This is going to be a series of side-stories connected to "This Mess We're In," centering on Yuka (now 20), and her (mis)adventures. These events affect (*cough*traumatize*cough) Yuka, and impact the peripheral events of "TMWI."

Innumerable thanks go to Missy (Kii). This story comes almost completely out of a insane, hilarious chat with her - of which I have had many. She roxxxors.

Also, many thanks go out to the men who have traumatized me in my romantic life. Yeah, thanks for nothing, you bastards! Ahem. I mean, I love you all. Really. Stop calling already.

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Tokyo: 2003

Someone told me once that space is a void. You don't see stars in space; light just doesn't bend that way. The ones you see in the movies are a Hollywood fiction: twinkling mirages of hope in a sea of black.

Really, space is nothingness. It is dark, and it is cold.

However, at that moment, I was somewhere darker.

Allow me to set the scene. It was Tokyo at night. Dark, steaming, and dirty.

I was on a blind date.

Nights around here can be scary. The fear-potential, however, tends to increase when you're sitting at a cafe with a huge plate of mediocre food waiting in front of you, and some unidentified object is poking you in the leg.

I looked up from my food at the young man in front of me. Honestly, I was going to kill my cousin Lina. She had to have known about this.

This was vengeance for the time I burned her hair off with the curling iron. I was ten, but she still hadn't forgiven me.

Noooo, of course not. She'd just been waiting; biding her time for years, just looking for a moment when I dropped my guard.

"There's this guy you'd totally love," she'd simpered. "His name is Luke." Cue giggling.

At the time, a week ago, I hadn't thought anything of it. Lina had always had this unfortunate tendency to giggle. But now, in hindsight, the giggle the seemed so much more meaningful.

The rather dry breadstick I'd been clutching broke into a shower of crumbs.

"So," my date began with a charming smile. "Leia, right?"

"No," I replied. I was fighting my every instinct in order to maintain a polite and pleasant tone of voice. "My name is Yuka," I told him.

Again.

Insert cheesy grin here. Literally. He had been eating broccoli and cheese, and let's just say. . . ew. Not too tidy. "So, Leia, what do you do?"

I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this was just too much. Like other animals, when I suffer, I can't help but want to share the wealth.

Rolling my eyes, I gave up with a shrug. There really was no point in fighting it, was there?

"Well, I'm a galactic princess of course," I said in a voice positively dripping battery acid. "Also, I summon rebel forces. In my free time, I do guerilla cross-stitch. Viva la revolucion!"

Yeah, I know. I just get carried away sometimes.

Too bad he didn't notice.

You see, the thing poking me in the thigh wasn't all that perverted in the traditional sense, though I can't deny that it was kind of perverse.

It just wasn't like THAT.

Skywalker here had decided to bring his 400 hundred dollar, E-Bay acquired, electric blue lightsaber along with us.

He also seemed oblivious to the fact that, in the movie, Leia was his alter-ego's sister. There were just so many levels of wrongness to this guy that I could barely restrain myself from sneaking out the kitchen door.

"Really Leia? That's great!" he exclaimed ecstatically. "I am a Jedi. I have a really high midichlorian count!" That last bit was accompanied by what was probably, to him, a dashing smile.

In actuality, it only showed off the broccoli floret that had taken residence between his front teeth.

Poke. Prod.

I winced. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I'd have a bruise there by the end of the night.

At least I had gotten some of my own back, I thought with a smile. I'd kicked him, twice, when he'd actually summoned the waiter with his glowing phallic replacement toy.

Sometimes, I thought to myself, the dark side was far too tempting.

I was becoming lost in a fantasy in which black holes could suddenly appear wherever I wanted and suck in unsuspecting victims (one of whom would probably be wearing, oh I don't know, a theme outfit perhaps?), when I was interrupted by some sort of commotion near the entrance of the restaurant.

My eyes widened. My mouth fell open. Across from me, Luke continued to babble something about the complex engineering that went into an X-wing.

Holy. . . holy SHIT, I thought to myself as I stared at the person at the door.

Suddenly, the dark-cloaked figure sprinted towards us, and leapt rather awkwardly onto our table. My fettucine and breadsticks were sent cascading over my recently dry-cleaned ensemble.

I hastily de-pasta-ed myself and seized the opportunity to run for the door.

The last thing I heard as I sprinted for my car was the dark, horned, face-painted interloper.

"YOU MUST SURRENDER! In the name of the Emperor, I, Darth Maul, will destroy you!"

"Leia!" my date cried. "Wait! I'll save you!"

Bzzt. Bzzzzzzzt. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt.

I paused on the sidewalk, unable to contain my curiosity, and couldn't help but burst into very unladylike guffaws. It seemed that Darth Maul had gotten a very nice double-ended light saber off E-bay as well, and was currently whacking my date in the butt with it. The other diners were frantically throwing money down and getting up from their seats.

Luke really was a wuss, I concluded, as he dove underneath a neighboring table with a squeal of fear.

Shaking my head, I looked off into the city lights. There was no way this was my life, I thought. There was just no way this could be happening to me, Yuka.

I took one last look into the restaurant, hoping against hope that some form of normalcy had restored itself.

Instead, I saw that Darth Maul was currently crouched into some kind of strange helicopter-like maneuver, smacking my date repeatedly across the face with his double-ended, glowing light saber.

I burst out laughing. Okay, so maybe normal was overrated, I thought to myself. But Lina was still gonna pay.

Taking a mental photo, I got into my car and started the engine. I grinned as I gunned it, and peeled out of the lot.

It seemed, I thought to myself with a smirk, that the dark side really did take care of its own.

- - - - - - - until next time - - - - - - -