InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Total Knockout ❯ The Basics ( Chapter 5 )

Long may Rumiko Takahashi's pen be sharp!

This chapter brought to you by Chaos Baked Goods. Do not look directly at the mint swirl.

But first, because I feel like it, Pride and Prejudice unravelled!

 

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And now more P&P unravelled, which is Jane Austen's and public domain.

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LADY CATHERINE: Unbelievable! Not only did Miss Bennett not answer all my pointed and intrusive questions, but she wouldn't promise me never to marry you even if you were the last man on earth and an electromagnetic pulse destroyed everything battery-powered.

DARCY: Really? Score!

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"I can't stand him and it's not just me. He pisses everybody off!" the freckled boy was bubbling over. "I mean, with his always being nice to the new guys and his never gloating or posturing!"

 

"He didn't even have the decency to victory dance after he beat the crap out of me last year," added the round-faced boy. He shook his head. "Just said it was a 'good match.' The least he could've done was gotten some points knocked off for unsportsmanlike."

 

"I hope he rots in hell," seethed the freckled boy.

 

"I hope somebody breaks his nose and then he rots in hell."

 

"Yeah, but they'd better knock out his front teeth first."

 

"Ugh! You remember when he offered to show us the 'right way to floss'?"

 

"What an asshole!"

 

"What a jerktard!"

 

"What is he going to do with Kagome?!" Inuyasha hissed out. "That Hojo brought her here and I need to claw his eyes out before he transforms into some kinda' more powerful version of himself and, I don't know, eats the old bitch from the entranceway or something."

 

There was a silence.

 

"I'm just sayin' it would save us some time!" huffed Inuyasha, folding his arms. The chill wasn't enough to bother him, not really, but after years of wearing fire-rat... His scowl deepened. He hadn't liked leaving his fur behind.

 

"Okay..." said the round-faced boy. "Hojo probably brought your girlfriend here to, uh, eat her or something."

 

"No!" the freckled boy jabbed the other in the ribs. "She's probably his victory lay!"

 

"His what?" asked Inuyasha.

 

"You know, his victory lay," said the round-faced boy. "His horizontal bicycle stand?"

 

"His electric garden hose," the freckled boy added in a helpful tone.

 

"His swing-dancing tomato sandwich?"

 

"His hypoallergenic bendy straw?"

 

"What the hell does that mean?"

 

"Oh. It's a veiled adolescent reference to intercourse."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Fuckin'."

 

"Oh." Inuyasha nodded, "Oh! You mean Kagome is supposed to--?!"

 

"Well she doesn't have to."

 

"But that Hojo guy thinks she's gonna--?!"

 

"Well sometimes girls do."

 

Inuyasha's mind was wheeling. Of one thing, he was relatively confident: No way, no way was Kagome at the point where she would do what those human boys were suggesting, no matter how good of a fighter Hojo turned out to be. Despite everything he'd said, he was still pretty sure that Kouga hadn't done anything that merited more than Inuyasha's feeding him his own feet. After all, if all a guy had to be was a great fighter to get Kagome to—

 

"Aah!" Inuyasha's ears started twitching furiously. He clapped both poufy red hands over his helmet.

 

"I'm surprised. I hadn't thought Hojo would be the sort of guy who'd go for that," the round-faced boy said to the freckled boy.

 

"I'm not. He's dorky, not dead."

 

Inuyasha's racing mind slowed to a trot. The humans were looking at him a little too sidelong. He felt a smirk form in his mind. If this was a trick, then these red-gloved runtlings were way out of their league. They'd have to pull their baggy shorts on pretty early in the morning to pull one over on someone who had to keep Miroku in line. But how to get them to reveal their sneaky plot?

 

"Hey..." he asked with narrowed eyes. "Are you two making shit up so that I'll get angry at Hojo and beat the crap out of him?"

 

There was a pause. The two humans exchanged a glance.

 

"No?"

 

"Good, 'cause you don't really have to."

 

"Oh. All right, then. The truth is a lot of guys have their girlfriends come and watch the fight. It's actually no big deal."

 

"But you should still kick his ass around the ring until we can't even sell his organs to China any more and have to go to Guam instead," the round-faced boy added with a nod.

 

"All right... So if he and I are in the same 'ring' at the same time..." Inuyasha's mind tocked thickly toward the conclusion. "I get to beat the crap out of him? I'm allowed?"

 

"Uh..." the freckled boy leaned back, contemplating Inuyasha as if he were a dish that had been left in the fridge too long - hard to identify and with white fur in unusual places, "...yes?" he said at last.

 

"That's why we're here?" added the round-faced kid.

 

Inuyasha rubbed one poufy red glove against his chin, feeling oddly like Miroku. He didn't usually hold with beating up humans, but this was looking as if it might have been worth the train ride after all.

 

"But I have to fight a lot of other guys first?" Inuyasha asked with monkly shrewdness. "Is that what this is?"

 

"That's usually how it goes," answered the freckled boy. "But I think you've got to toss out all this clawing and ripping stuff. You might get in trouble for that shit."

 

"So what am I allowed to do?"

 

"Should I keep it simple?"

 

"Do I look like an idiot to you?" asked Inuyasha.

 

"Hook. Cross. Jab. Any combination of these."

 

"Myeh?" Inuyasha tried to scratch his head, but just ended up knocking his stupid puffy helmet off-center. He scowled, trying to right it with the declawed bulbs of his hands. Damn thing wouldn't stop a kitchen knife, let alone a good axe...

 

"This is a hook," mimed the round-faced boy. "This is a cross—"

 

"Really gotta get your weight in there," muttered the freckled boy.

 

"—and this is a jab." The round-faced boy gave one short, quick strike to an imaginary opponent's face.

 

"Keh! Those weak moves wouldn't stop a flea!"

 

"No no no!" the freckled boy held up both hands. "Sometimes they don't look like much, but if you get out there—" he mimed three more shots "—you throw a combo or two. It's like nothing else."

 

"It ain't gonna work," answered Inuyasha. "Look." Inuyasha mimicked the human's movements, tapping the freckled boy on the head.

 

The human keeled over and hit the floor with a dull thunk.

 

Inuyasha looked at the glove. "Okay..."

 

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JANE: So you're joining the real army? Doesn't that mean they might send you off to fight Napoleon?

WICKHAM: Who?

JANE: Napoleon.

WICKHAM: Uh...

JANE: Currently pillaging his way across Europe?

WICKHAM: Maybe he went to State.

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drf24(at)columbia.edu