InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Triangle ❯ Triangle Part I: Me and Her and Him ( Chapter 1 )

Author’s Notes: Now if this isn’t the biggest minefield in Inuyasha history then I don’t know what is: the infamous Kagome, Inu in the middle and Kikyou spats (dun, dun dun!!) Believe me this is not what this one-shot fic is about.

So once again: this is NOT a Kag/Kik is better for Inu. I see all the character’s lives as taking on a particular shape. Of course for these three it is a triangle between them all, hence triangle. Other character stories and their life shape will come soon.

Part I is Kikyou’s POV into something which I think isn’t looked too deeply into by fans and by Kikyou herself: the deeper meaning between herself, Kagome and Inuyasha. Names are mentioned very minimally, mainly because you should know who’s talking and who is being talked about and also because I think that it would be too painful for Kikyou to say this name again and again (even though you know who it is lol). I just think Kikyou deserves to be looked at deeply as well as Kag and Inu

Anyway R&R please!

Disclaimer: I’d love to claim Inu-chan but I can’t so neither he nor Inuyasha-tachi is mine.

Inu-Channie :P

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Triangle Part I: Me and Her and Him

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I, we, refuse to acknowledge that we are the same and yet…we are: we are both adamant to deny being like each other, both of us loving him. Both of us strong willed, fierce women, both of us weak when it comes to him. Both of us strong mikos in our own right, both of us powerless against him.

Yet not that girl. I’m powerless against him, or at least I used to be when he was with me, not her. She has that one little word which gives her the ultimate power in the world over one as brash and excited as he. It is almost laughable to think that she’s subduing him in punishment with the very item I made out of love for him.

She wants him to live…I want him to die…

Kagome who has the emotions that I was just beginning to feel as he wormed his way deeper into my life: the enjoyment, the fear, the love...

Me as Kikyou, I relinquished my emotions to regain my power once more when I was reborn, in order to be the powerful miko I was before I met him. Yet I’m not able to retain my feelings for being undead.

Kagome who is hanging onto the beauty of life - that I once saw – even before she met him.

Me as Kikyou, I am hanging onto the road of blood and darkness - that I once walked - even before I met him.

How I wished back then I’d never walk it again.

He loved and loves me. He loves her. But does he love her because she’s reminiscent of me or because she’s her? The issue is stressing enough to think about: not because I’m worried he might choose her over me but because I fear that he’ll choose the living over death.

Sometimes it is difficult to see us as two different entities. Kagome, my reincarnation. Kikyou, her predecessor. Where does one draw the line between us? The only one who can truly see that difference between us is him.

Me as Kikyou, I want to bring him to the depths of hell with me, to be with him forever, our hearts entwined as they were and always will be. I want him to die.

But there’s Kagome, who holds onto his life so tightly, who wants him to see the beauty of the world around him and stay with his companions. She wants him to live.

Was my soul back when I was alive conflicting with itself? Is that why I chose to seal him rather than purify him that fateful day? To let him live rather than die? Gods only know that I could have preserved my own life if I had opted the latter yet even in those last few moments between us…I wanted him to live.

Is that why I couldn’t regain all of my soul? Why it is now split between Kagome and myself? Was my soul confused when it came to dealing the penultimate blow upon him?

The part of my soul that wanted him to die is in me.

So where is the part of my soul that wanted him to live? In her?

Yet Kagome’s soul is not my own. Kagome’s soul is Kagome’s. Otherwise when she was born those five hundred years after my death, wouldn’t her little body have been consumed by my raging anger at his betrayal? And therefore continued well into her fifteen years of existence? She was simply reincarnated with some of my traits, and the rest she made up on her own. Perhaps she is her own person after all.

Foolish of me. I already know she’s her own person: she has her own heart, has her own brain, has her own mind, has her own soul. Tsubaki was foolish to believe that Kagome was me as I once was. After all, I asked Kagome who she was when the girl was cursed by the kuro miko and the girl replied that she was herself, not my copy. We both knew that then if there were any doubts before.

Kagome may share my powers but there is one thing that she cannot share with me.

Her life. That is what makes Kagome who she is. She has life. She has an untainted soul. Would she share it willingly with me if a miraculous opportune moment arose for me to live again? From my experiences from when she saved my undead life twice I would answer yes. For his sake? Undoubtedly.

The day when I was brought back to ‘life’ so to speak…I remember what remained of my lighthearted soul flood back into me from that girl. I also remember the hatred and the love I felt for him as the vestiges of what was mine drifted back into me. Still I needed sustenance so I continued to drain her large spirit into my own body. She dropped like the corpse that I was moments before and I felt that strong fake body pump with life, pump with…hatred. It was why I didn’t want him to say my name. I didn’t want to remember the feeling of wanting to wound him, of hating him. I still loved him enough that I didn’t want to be reborn only to kill and traverse the path I once did. It was only when I threatened his very existence did she reawaken, her will to live, for anything to live, calling her soul back to her. She left me with my soul of bitterness and hatred, the few feelings it felt before I died fifty years ago.

What it all boils down to is this: I have my soul; the dark, blood stained one I retained when I was alive, the soul that I had been carrying around with me in my job as a miko, the soul that would always be dark no matter how much he made me feel like a woman. Kagome has her soul, the light, cheerful one she received when she was born, the one that will remain forever free and unmarred of sins.

Yet there is one irrevocable link between her and myself. The part of my soul that wants him to live has buried itself within Kagome’s own, hidden within me when I was reborn with hatred, taken back from me when she awakened and it strengthened her resolve to make him stay in the land of the living. There is no denying that there is a piece of my soul in her. The piece that began to discover love of the world through him. The piece that I only just began to experience.

The piece that fell for him.

If I was never brought the Shikon no Tama, he would never have come to me. I would still be alive. Kagome would never have come into existence. Cunning, how Fate works.

I wanted to become a human woman as I was born. Is that so unreasonable of me? He was making me feel like all those giddy young girls I’d see in the village, he was making me feel like a human and not a like a thing assigned to protect and purify the greatest treasure in the world. I was forced to be mature before my time. He was making me feel like I should.

I cannot live as a woman and a miko. The Fates, as well as that witch Tsubaki, made sure that wasn’t possible. But did it stop me for falling for a boy who was much like me: someone who didn’t fit in the world, was alone, shouldered their burdens and hid their true feelings and emotions? The simple answer is no. Such is obvious. It is why I didn’t kill him those numerous times I encountered him: I pitied him and yet I was falling for him.

If there is blatant proof that he was happy to be with me, falling for me too, it was the lipstick shell he gave me. From all people descended from his human mother. It was a treasure greater than the Shikon no Tama. It meant that I meant something to him, someone he could begin to trust, begin to lean on, begin to love. It warmed my heart and after he gave me something so personal it seemed wrong to give him the prayer beads: it would crumble what little budding trust was growing between us and he was a beautiful, gentle yet wild creature that needed to be free. I gave that to him.

Perhaps I felt, once upon a time, that love would find a way. The future was so clear for me then. The Shikon no Tama would fall into non existence after he used it to become human, I would no longer have to be stoic and fight, the greatest gift he could give me, he would no longer have to fight and run, the greatest gift I could give him, and we could have been together.

I wanted to share my experience of becoming liberated with him. He could finally fit in, I could finally be free. There was no selfish motive to my thoughts. It was just genuine heartfelt emotion that was beginning to unfurl from within me. I was overwhelmed by this new torrent of emotions and I wanted the best for the both of us. It is not that I did not accept him as a hanyou because after all I fell in love with him in this form but if he became a full blooded youkai, he’d become just another nonsense, uncontrollable youkai who’d seek to destroy humans and who would eventually be destroyed. I didn’t want that of my hanyou. If he became human he’d lose his youkai heritage from his father but his life would be easier. And of course I wanted to be free and with him. I think he wanted the same for me too. I wanted us to be happy. If there is nothing that an ignorant scholar would learn of he and myself it is that we wanted to be happy and live peacefully.

Our first kiss only sealed our decisions for our futures to be tangled together in the web of fate, my first step towards becoming a true human female with needs and demands of which she had no prior knowledge. He wanted to be with me, wanted to become human. He wanted us.

If Naraku hadn’t come between us…he and I could be living tranquilly now, albeit as an old couple, we might even have died naturally together by now. Even so we would have had those wonderful mortal years together, he learning to trust again, I learning to open up again. I even dreamt so far to think of a family. I was amazed at how striking a dreamer I had become after I met him. I dreamt of being a woman before but never on a scale as grand as this. I dreamt of such a time when the day came to bestow the Shikon’s final wish upon him. Of course events did not…

Yet is useless glancing back on what could have been, as much as it breaks my fake heart to knock those wishful thoughts away. It is now time to focus on something more solid and that is the here and now. If he can’t have me in the living then he shall join me in the dead. At least we shall be together. So I shall hold onto this hatred, onto this burning desire to hate him for it is the only way that this undead woman…no. I shall hold onto it for it is the only way for this undead miko to become a woman again. To be able to love with his heart beating within mine.

Yet it is uncanny how things play out in this world.

I love him and I hate him. She loves him and has never hated him.

He loves me. He loves her. Yet she thinks that he can never love her with the same intensity that he does me. I know this to not be true. She’s foolish to not see that and at the same time its hard for me to accept that Inuyasha has fallen for her. With a girl who doesn’t belong.

I dislike her and yet I’m grateful to her.

I want him to die. She wants him to live.

Part of my soul wants him to die…part of my soul wants him to live…

How do I battle against myself?