InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Triangle ❯ Triangle Part II: What I’m Not, What I Am and Where Do I Fit In? ( Chapter 2 )

Author's Notes: This is the second part of the Triangle series and is from Kagome's POV. Still angsty kinda as it is looking deeply into problems which the character in question has.

 

Other than than enjoy and review please.

 

Disclaimer: no own Inu-tachi

 

Inu-Channie :P

 

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Triangle Part II: What I Am, What I'm Not and Where Do I Fit In?

 

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I am Kagome Higurashi. I'm 15 going on 16 soon. I'm in third year elementary school. I have my mum, Jii-chan and my brother Souta and a cat Buyo. I live on a shrine.

 

I do not belong in the Sengoku Jidai.

 

I will admit it to myself as I know many others have seen it too. I have strange `healing medicines', my clothes are outlandish, I travel on weird contraptions, I can see the Shikon pieces…this is not my life! I'm meant to be with Yuka, Eri and Ayumi gossiping at Wcdnalds, finishing my exams, being with my family. I am not a girl of the Sengoku Jidai. My place is not here.

 

There are a lot of things I'm not: I'm not calm, I'm not beautiful, I'm not unhappy, I'm not proud. I'm also not meant to be here. It was an accident that I arrived here but at the same time it was an act of fate. If Souta and Buyo had never come to the well, I wouldn't have fallen in, Inuyasha would still be sleeping on the Goshinboku, Kikyou wouldn't have become the walking dead and I never would have gotten tangled up in their mess.

 

Although it makes me wonder…if the Goshinboku is a tree of time, then whatever got into it would carry through into the future and years beyond without decaying, right? Inuyasha's body wasn't on the tree in my time yet Kikyou's arrowhead was, from where she punctured his chest and sealed him. Does that mean I was always destined to go back to the Sengoku Jidai and release Inuyasha's body from his eternal, youthful slumber, so he never appeared in the future?

 

Perhaps I was…

 

I'm not the brainiest, I'm not a saint. I will also adamantly protest that I'm not a `copy' of Kikyou.

 

So the story goes that fifty years ago this powerful miko called Kikyou and this hanyou called Inuyasha met each other and inevitably fell in love considering that they had so many things in common. One being they were without parents, others being that no-one was there to really love them and teach them, both of them having to hide from the world and so they found strength in each other. Unfortunately she died after she was mortally wounded by Naraku disguised as Inuyasha and Inuyasha sealed after Kikyou shot a Fuuin no Ya at him for trying to steal the Shikon no Tama after `Kikyou' shot arrows at him and called him that putrid word, hanyou. Five hundred years later produced me, the reincarnation, I am told, of Kikyou, protector of the Shikon no Tama.

 

I'm not Kikyou, I'm Kagome. If there is one thing that irks me, its that people chose to see me as someone else rather than who I am. I am not Kikyou, my name is not Kikyou, I don't act like Kikyou, heck I barely resemble Kikyou! Inuyasha was adamant in calling me `onna' before he said my name finally and even then he still lapsed into the habit of comparing me to her, perhaps wishing that I was Kikyou in all her glory.

 

Wishing that I was Kikyou in all her glory and alive. But that I am not.

 

So where do I fit in the equation? I fit in quite snugly with Inuyasha and Kagome. Hopefully I don't fit in between because it means I'm ruining their relationship and heaven knows I don't want that! Actually, I guess I've been pulled into this triangle because of my close connection with her, to her. I didn't ask for this sudden change, for this sudden almost unexplained existence in this new world, for this sudden need to tweak those boy's ears. I was born with her traits, few of them mind you. So it should be no surprise then that just like Kikyou, I fell for Inuyasha too.

 

I'm still trying to place myself in all this, no matter how accepting I may be on the outside. I come along five hundred years later, after falling down my shrine well, meeting this boy pinned to a tree with dog ears and my life inevitably changed. For the better? Perhaps, for I would never find the loyal friends I have now, nor would my history grades be so tops. But there are times when the Sengoku Jidai pulls on my heart so strongly; to be more precise when Inuyasha pulls on my heart.

 

Half the time he doesn't realise what he does to me whenever he runs to Kikyou. I know I don't own him, gods help the person who tries to completely tame Inuyasha, but it hurts when he hides these things from me. And when he does realise…we can never talk it out properly. We just argue, I'd `osuwari' him, he'd be stubborn and then come to get me, we'd apologise and pretend like nothing happened and we'd be a pair of happy fighters the very next day.

 

I hate that we can't talk to each other, I hate that he can't talk to me. I just want to help him, ease the burden that has been on him for a while. Of course he's now a lot more tolerant of my presence and has in some cases revealed some deeper parts of himself that he's only told me and not the others - of course I can't speak for what he's said to Kikyou.

 

I am in love with him. Me, a teenage girl from the future has found love in the past. Forget that I'm only a teenager; forget that according to the laws of physics and space I shouldn't be able to time travel. Just know that Inuyasha is embedded so deeply within me I can do nothing but love him.

 

I know she loves him too. I know Kikyou does. I remember hearing her voice when she was resurrected saying to Inuyasha don't call her name. I believe she wanted to protect him from herself and to protect somebody you have to at least have some sort of semblance of love. In my eyes anyway. Its why I'm fighting to make her see that she can't hate Inuyasha when she still has feelings deep, irreplaceable feelings for him.

 

When he runs off to her, I feel…I don't hate Kikyou. In fact, I step back so that Inuyasha and her can be together, if for a short while. But then again everything I do is almost always for his sake. Call it my weakness. But, like I said, I don't hate Kikyou. But I cannot approve of what she's doing, what she's going to do. That is why I'm indifferent towards her.

 

She wants to take Inuyasha to hell with her so her cycle of sorrow can end.

 

But what about the new life Inuyasha has built up from scratch? His new friends, his new family? We pulled him out of that wretched hole that was isolation, fear and distrust. He can't just give up all of that now. He can't leave us now. He has a new life ahead of him. Inuyasha is so wracked with guilt and love for Kikyou that he feels he owes her his life when in fact he doesn't. She can't take Inuyasha away from us. I can't say Kikyou would be taking Inuyasha away from me because he isn't mine and never will be…I have worked hard to bring Inuyasha out into a world of people, into a world of friends. If he dies I have wasted my energy, my time and my love on nothing. For many beings now, demon and human alike, there would be no world without Inuyasha's help.

 

If Kikyou truly loved Inuyasha as I know she does, she would let him move on and be happy in his new world. He loves her sorely and misses her deeply; why can't she be happy with that? I know she says she needs his soul to move on but…if Kikyou and Inuyasha truly loved each other they would have trusted each other, rather than go out and try and spite the other. I hate to bring that point up but its true. Even Inuyasha finds it hard to trust me over a certain wolf prince, wondering whether my loyalty - maybe even love - to him will hold true. But after having it out with me he realises there was nothing to doubt in me at all. He should have done the same with Kikyou, the same with her to him. Maybe that's why she wants him to go to hell: to have him with her to make up for all the years she lost with him…

 

I don't want Kikyou to see me as a rival because that is undoubtedly how she feels. How can I compete with a love that is five hundred years old? How can I compete with someone…who's dead as I once told Inuyasha? I never told him that I loved him although I think he knows that. I told him I was happy to be with him, just to be with him.

 

I was lying to himself and to him.

 

I'm happy to be with him but I can't be like that forever. I love Inuyasha and I will say it repeatedly until you tire of hearing it. There is no point in trying to hide how I feel. Inuyasha, Shippou, Sango, Miroku, Kaede…heck even Kirara and Naraku knows this!

 

Feelings are not supposed to be rational. If I stand here before you and try to reason that my love for Inuyasha is only the lingering leftovers that Kikyou gave me when I was born, once again, I'd be lying to you, I'd be lying to myself, I'd be lying to him. I do not have Kikyou's love for Inuyasha. My love for him is my own and always will be, just like I am Kagome, not Kikyou. I cannot even contemplate loving Inuyasha just because she did. I repeat I am not Kikyou therefore I don't follow her trends. I cannot reason my feelings for they just come and go as they please and I don't try to cage them. After all “dangerous is the man who has rationalised his feelings”.

 

I am not Kikyou's rival. I am not Kikyou. I am not going to let Inuyasha go. I am not going to make Inuyasha live for me but for all the other beings in this world who will come to depend on him. Never mind that this is not my world, my time. It may not be where I belong but I'm meant to be here.

 

I am not trying to come in between Kikyou and Inuyasha. That is not my intention but I can't help if sometimes I get angry at Inuyasha for running off and hiding to be with her. It hurts me. It hurts deeper than I'd like to think. I just want him to tell me, be my friend, be someone he can trust…I've resigned myself to the fact that I will always let Inuyasha go to her. At least his heart's worry can be eased somewhat when he sees her. There's no point in two people being depressed: I think its hard enough for Miroku-sama and Sango-chan to see me relinquish my grip on Inuyasha. I know they want the best for me, for us, but this is the best way.

 

After all I don't belong here. After all Inuyasha doesn't love me the way he loves her. Kikyou seems to think different…

 

Its not my fault that I'm here. I now believe that it was fate that brought me to this side of time, nothing else. But I have to wonder again. Did Fate pull me over here to be with Inuyasha or so I could reconcile him with his first - and perhaps - only love?

 

What will happen when the Shikon no Tama is restored? Will Inuyasha wish Kikyou back to life? Will he wish for full fledged youkai power? Will I fade into the background and never climb up out of that well again?

 

Can I leave Inuyasha and pretend like he means nothing to me or can I stay with him and feel my heart twist every time he runs away?

 

Can I love Inuyasha from afar?

 

That I cannot do.