InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Watch You Break ❯ Watch You Break ( One-Shot )

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Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of the characters.

 

Summary: In the day time, everything is peaceful and the sun shines bright, but during the night, the Shadows come out. During the day, he is fire and red and silver but at night when the red turns grey with tears, and fire breaks, who will collect the pieces?

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Watch You Break

 

 

“Just more than I could take

Pity for pity's sake

Some nights kept me awake

I thought that I was stronger.”

-“Put Your Records On” Corinne Bailey Rae

 

 

He runs blindly, trees a dark green blur as he races to be far, far away from everything from everyone, from his friends, from himself.

 

He reaches his spot, the dark desolate place surrounded by trees that no one but him knows about. And he falls abruptly to his knees trying to catch his breath. His eyes stare unseeingly at the ground and the blood on his claws. His harsh panting is the only sound in the still dark forest. A mere run through the forest does not render a hanyou breathless.

 

No, it is despair and agony. It is an old agony, like the dull, heavy ache of a putrid wound. It slowly eats you up from inside and slowly, the light dims in his eyes and then they are the eyes of the dead, a dull, flat dirty gold.

 

If his friends ever found out, they would be horrified. But why? They would ask. You have gone through so much. You are brave and strong. Not a whimpering coward who is afraid of monsters. Will you give up so easily?

 

But this had nothing to do with courage or cowardice. He was not a coward. He was a warrior. A prince. The son of Inu no Taishou, the phantom beast. But all that didn't matter, because in agony, all are alike. Because the absence of fear didn't constitute courage and the presence of fear didn't mean cowardice. And breaking can be forever and forever can be in a moment and sometimes, that is longer than eternity.

 

In their eyes, he was a hero. He had gone through so much at such a young age and yet, such spirit…so innocent and so brave. He did not bother to tell them any different. Because he knew that there are some things that cannot be said. They have no meaning. They can't be explained. They didn't know. They didn't know that everything had a price, that you can never have anything for free. And the price was sometimes very high. And he had paid the price for his courage. For his indomitable spirit.

 

And that price was this. He lived his life in the sunlight. Stayed away from the Darkness, even fought the Darkness. But every once in a while, the Shadows would come for him. He would break and all his pretensions, all his long-cherished desires and hard-won courage would all be nothing. For that time, he was simply a broken hanyou. The bare essentials that remain when you strip away the adornments. And fear and pain were always part of those essentials.

 

But there was one who knew. One who understood and therefore, came to him on each of these nights. To simply watch. Inuyasha never figured out how he knew when it happened. But every time, he would come. To watch him break. And then, he would leave without a word.

 

His chest heaves as he stares at his bloodied claws with dead eyes and the tears come. The tears and the blood. Because the blood on the claws…is his own. And then there is nothing but the tears and the blood and the darkness of the night and the chilling forest.

 

As a child, he had never been scared of the dark, only of the monsters, the demons. But these nights, he feared it, not with a slight unease that makes one want to get out of it and seek the light of merry cooking fires. It was the kind of cold fear that winds itself around your bones. And then there was only the grasping roots of the trees, the ghoulish, naked branches of the almost dead trees, the magnified shadow cast by the fickle moon.

 

And then the keening starts. High-pitched, unrestrained, animalistic. He wants to tear out his skin and escape from this body which is suddenly not his, he doesn't fit into it. And then his mind is blank as there are only bleak grey shadows of things past and half-forgotten. And he remembers all those things that are meant to be forgotten, that were never supposed to happen except that they did.

 

And there is nothing except darkness as he sees his life flowing before his eyes in shades of orange and grey, all that he has lost - all his regrets of the past and of the future. He remembers the future that will be and the past that never was and all that is lost that can never be regained, all his mistakes, and all those mistakes that were not his. And in the dull orange film of his life his love flares red, the color of love and blood and sin and he wants to close his eyes to all of it but that was never allowed.

 

He runs away, because he doesn't want them to see. Because it is a fracture, a monstrosity, something that doesn't fit in with the rest of the picture. The strong, brash hanyou didn't cry sightless tears in a griefless night. He was never supposed to be broken because fire didn't break. But he knows that it does and it tastes like acid and blood.

 

Then, he feels it. The aura, like lightning and ice and he knows that he is here. From the dark forest emerges Sesshoumaru, silent as the wind in the whispering trees at midnight. He stops in front of Inuyasha and looks at him with inscrutable eyes.

 

Those eyes that were a pale gold, lighter than Inuyasha's and at the same time, sharper. Sesshoumaru knew that many said he was a God. Kami-sama. Perfect strength, perfect power, perfect skill, perfect grace, perfect beauty. The Killing Perfection. Perfect. If he were given to displaying emotions, he would have laughed at the irony.

 

The hanyou looks up at him with wide, wild, helpless eyes and the keening, screaming continues. Wild claws tear the skin from his own arms, his chest, his wrist, his face and it is not enough.

 

Sesshoumaru looks at the wounds and says nothing.

 

The night progresses and hanyou and youkai continue their dance.

 

Finally, it is close to dawn and with his energy exhausted, vision clouding with blood loss and exhaustion, Inuyasha's screaming stops, reduces to dry sobs. He looks up at the youkai and Sesshoumaru holds his gaze.

 

Something passes between them. Then Sesshoumaru turns elegantly and disappears into the forest.

 

Inuyasha stares after him for a while and then slowly gathers himself to head to a stream to wash off the blood and then head back. His wounds are already healing but there would be scars for a while.

 

Next time, when they meet, he will be the same loud mouthed, brash hanyou, spouting insults, afraid of nothing and no one. Sesshouamru will be the aristocratic stoic demon lord who is affected by nothing and no one because everyone is beneath him.

 

Next time they meet, they will fight in a clash of swords and wills and it will end as it always did…

 

And no one knew his secret except one.

 

Others thought Inuyasha was brave and strong with a fiery spirit. Sesshoumaru thought so too. But for reasons different from theirs.

 

Others thought Sesshoumaru to be cruel and ruthless and heartless. But Inuyasha knew him to be merciful.

 

Sesshoumaru came to him on each of those nights. To simply watch. To watch him break. And then, he would leave without a word.

 

And that was exactly what Inuyasha needed.

 

Because it is easier, safer to break when there is someone watching, someone who knew all about breaking and agony and pain. Those nights, he would let himself go and be a base, lowly beast. He would let go of his sanity, abandon himself to the shadows and the monsters and at that moment, it was Sesshoumaru's gaze that kept him grounded to reality, to his sanity.

 

But his friends would never know that. They had shared a lot, been through a lot together. Kagome, Sango, Miroku, Shippou. They had even faced down death together. Inuyasha would face death with them, but he would never allow them to see this. They would never see him break. Because to them, breaking meant giving in, meant weakness and because they were his friends, that meant pity. No, they would never see him break. Inuyasha loved them, would give his life for them and he knew they would do the same for him.

 

But this secret he kept in his heart. His loneliness, his vulnerability, he could share with his friends, but this was something he shared with only one. Because he already knew. All of this and more. He would never show him pity. Contempt? Yes. Hatred? Yes, although that was over now. Anger? Yes. But never pity.

 

And his friends would never know this because they were human and the kitsune was still a child. And as humans, they did not know the subtle nuances in relationships, in emotions. Although humans were generally credited with being slaves to emotions, their emotions being their downfall, really, this was because they were not capable of experiencing, understanding certain emotions.

 

And so, they would not understand that trust is not always for the ones you love and hatred can go hand in hand with trust and that wounds of the flesh, no matter how deep or painful, were nothing if given without malice and that treachery was worse than hatred. They did not know that what pity really meant was extreme selfishness, not caring. That sometimes, love is forever and sometimes it is not. Just as sometimes hatred, enmity is forever and sometimes it is not. But the forever part didn't always matter. The more important thing was whether it was even true at this moment. And the lie people most often told each other, even their loved ones was of forever. They knew that while truth sometimes hurt, lies were mostly worse (mostly, but not always) but they didn't know that worse than lies is betrayal.

 

And so, in everyone's eyes, Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha would always remain rivals, enemies. And that was true. They were rivals and there was no love lost between them. But they didn't know that in the absence of love something else has to suffice and sometimes, that is enough.

 

They would not know this because they were his friends. And they loved him.

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