InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ What Are You? ❯ Chapter 29 Alternate ( Chapter 34 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Chapter 29Alternate

Not Again

“I'm not doing this because I don't want you to be happy,” I said slowly, forcing the words out of my throat. It was what I was thinking, but I had trouble putting my thoughts in to words, and I had even more problems telling them to someone else. He should know how difficult this was for me. “I do.”

His expression softened, but he said nothing. That was good, anyway. Damn, I wasn't any good at this. I was used to pounding sense into others with my fists or a sword, or I ignored the problem as best I could. That was how I was used to dealing with things. But that wouldn't help in this situation. This really wasn't easy, and he'd better appreciate what I was trying to do for him.

“Furthermore,” I said, gauging his reaction. “I care enough…” Damn, I didn't like saying this. I really didn't like saying this. In fact, I couldn't finish that sentence. I averted eye contact and changed the subject slightly. “When Inuyasha transformed, he became insane…”

“I'm stronger than that baka.”

“I know,” I said. I looked back at him. “But you're still a hanyou.”

He scowled. “You don't think I can handle it?”

I glanced at him. “Some youkai born into being youkai cannot handle their own power.” I looked at him dead-on finally. “Why do you think there are so many that seem to possess no conscious? It is because their power consumes their mind as well as their body.”

He became angry. “You think so little of me, Sesshomaru-sama.”

I blinked. His tone… More than the words, it was his tone that hurt. But I just didn't see why it hurt as much as it did. I pushed the idiotic feeling aside. “That is not true.”

“Then are you afraid that I will become stronger than you?”

The thought had not even occurred to me. But now that he mentioned it… I didn't like that idea either. Naraku was already fairly powerful as a hanyou. With a youkai's abilities, that power would be doubled. I definitely didn't want him to be stronger than I, but that was not my real motive. “No.” I turned away from him. Why didn't he just see my point of view? I didn't want to risk that he would become insane, like Inuyasha had. If I could somehow see him as a youkai before then… “I'm just… I'm worried that…”

“You're worried? About me?”

I spun back around, glaring at him. “Yes, about you. What if you became insane and killed me—killed our children?” He looked away. He didn't completely understand me. I knew that. He wanted to become stronger. I could understand that, but he didn't need to do it by cheating, did he? That was really all the Shikon Jewel was—a cheating method for pathetic youkai and hanyou to pretend that they are strong. I turned his face toward me. “The Shikon no Tama is a farce. Do not rely on something else. You can become stronger without using such a tool.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Then you will remain female.”

“No.”

He smirked. “You would use a `farce' to become something different than what you are?”

I blinked. “This is different. I am not using it for selfish reasons.”

“I think you are being selfish.

“My being male will not make a difference to anyone.”

He raised his arm, as if to strike me again. If he was going to do that, then I was going to strike him back. But he lowered his arm again. “It will make a difference to me.”

I smirked. “Then you lie when you say you love me,” I said. His eyes narrowed. “You should love my soul, not my body.”

“Your body is part of who you are.”

I began to protest, but the words died on my tongue. I looked away. It was true. Would I be the same if I were born male? Would I have the same personality? My memories would be so different. Memories are what shape the personality. I sighed. “Perhaps. It may have altered everything if I had been born male, but at this point, it will change nothing.”

“I disagree. I will not tolerate you being male if you will not give me a chance to be a youkai.”

Why didn't he understand? I gripped his shoulders angrily. “I will not let you do this. I will not risk losing you.”

“Sesshomaru…” He pulled me to him.

I clung to him miserably. Miserable because he didn't understand, and miserable because I couldn't make him understand. “It's not worth it,” I said quietly. “Do you think that losing yourself—and losing me and our children—is worth it?” I looked at his eyes. Did I see myself making progress at long lost? I was a bit annoyed that I was only getting through once I had almost given up. “Stay this way—for all of our sakes'.”

He was silent for a long time, and I let him be silent as he contemplated my words. I hoped that my point had been seen. I felt his hand on the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair. “Very well. Keep the Shikon no Tama. Consider it… a gift from me.”

I smiled very softly, making sure he couldn't see it. “I will,” I promised. Then I realized what he had just said. I looked up at him. “You will accept me even if I'm male?”

“So long as I get to be seme.”

And so the cycle begins anew. Damn! Not again…

*****

Author's Note:

Anyone want to help with naming the twins? I can't come to any decisions.

They're going to look as follows: The boy (firstborn) is going to look just like Sesshomaru, but with Naraku's eyes, and the girl is the opposite.