InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ When The Lines Blur ❯ Torment ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or the song `In My Place' by Coldplay.

 

The lines in bold are lyrics of the song “In My Place” by Coldplay.

 

Chapter 4 - Torment

 

Inuyasha marvels how much taller his brother is. Standing, there is not that much difference in their heights but Inuyasha always feels like he's looking up at his brother.

 

But right now, he's kneeling, as he should be, so, of course, Sesshoumaru is much taller.

 

In my place, in my place…

 

“I feel…worthless,” he whispers.

 

Sesshoumaru doesn't reply, only stares down at him, his face impassive.

 

The moon is once again high in the sky, casting her pale light on the kneeling hanyou and the standing Lord. But the moonlight is feeble tonight because the moon is only a thin crescent. There are more shadows tonight.

 

Inuyasha's face is as stony as his brother's but there are tears brimming in glassy eyes. They are not tears of sadness; they are tears of despair. There is a difference, you know. Sadness is unfortunate; despair is dangerous.

 

…lines that I couldn't change…

 

“Let this be the last thing I do wrong,” he pleads.

 

Kikyou is dead.

 

You didn't save her, Inuyasha had accused his brother. It was you who failed, his brother had replied and that was the truth. It was he who had failed, every time, with everyone.

 

…I was lost, I was lost…

 

“I can't lose again.”

 

The reigning Lord of the Western Lands stands still as a god, looking down on the supplicant on his knees. He doesn't have to listen to this, he knows. There are other, far more important things he has to do rather than listen to his bastard half-brother cry about his life. It does not befit a Taiyoukai to spend his nights with this disgraced almost-man.

 

But he does anyway. He stares at the pain in those glassy eyes. The pain that was left by those insipid human girls who sought to tame the hanyou.

 

“Kikyou…” the name falls from Inuyasha's lips in a whisper, unbidden and Sesshoumaru barely manages to keep his claws from flexing in anger, itching as they are for the bitch's blood.

 

Kikyou.

 

He hates her, but he hates her less than the other. He hates her less than Kagome.

 

Inuyasha sees the hate in his brother's eyes intensify and he thinks it is for him. It should be, after all. It is right. After all that he has done…like falling in love…hanyou are not supposed to fall in love. Hanyou are meant to be alone, that is what Sesshoumaru had always told him. He'd fought him on that before, cried put his denial. But the truth was the truth.

 

…Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed…

 

“I can't go on hurting everyone,” he tells his brother. Sesshoumaru…is the only one who can stop him from doing it all over again.

 

Kikyou…

 

The name resonates quietly, like a drop of dew falling on a lifeless lake…like the sound of mourning bells.

 

I couldn't save the one I loved…I couldn't save the one who loved me.

 

So many years ago, the hatred that was born because of a dark hanyou's bottomless envy, culminates in the destruction of the one who was never at fault.

 

He killed her, for the second time. The first, she died to protect the jewel, died doing what she had to do. Unlike him who never learned his place.

 

How was it fair that the pure hearted priestess died for his crimes? How many times would others die for his offenses? How long would it take to catch up to his sins?

How long must you wait for it…

 

“I tried,” he whispers desperately to his brother, hands fisting in the pristine, white silk of his elder brother's hakama. His soiled, dirty hands leave muddy prints on the once flawless garment but Inuyasha does not notice as he stares up into inscrutable eyes, willing his brother to understand that he had not given up, he had tried.

 

But that meant nothing, his brother had taught him. It didn't mean anything because he failed and that is what remains. The ending.

 

…how long must you pay for it…

 

“I did…everything wrong. I've always done everything wrong.”

 

He feels stupid as he glances desperately into golden eyes far lighter than his own. He feels like a child.

 

Only Sesshoumaru has ever made him feel that way. With everyone else, old and young, he has been able to hold his own, for wisdom doesn't come with just winters; wisdom comes with suffering, and no one knows more about suffering than an orphaned hanyou bastard. So, when others look at this young, brash boy, they see an arrogant teen punk but when they look into his eyes, they see sadness - hardened and old. They feel uneasy, talking to this child who seems to have seen far more than them.

 

But Sesshoumaru makes him feel like a guilty child who is caught doing something he shouldn't. His brother's piercing gaze makes him feel naked and vulnerable and so, so small…

 

I was scared, I was scared,

Tired and under prepared…

 

Finally, pale, elegant fingers cup his chin strongly and tilt that face up.

 

“Please…do this one thing right…for me…” Inuyasha whispers, shivering at the long-awaited touch.

 

Sesshoumaru looks into his brother's eyes and sees the same look in them as when they fight.

 

Sesshoumaru is reminded o the day he first cornered his brother in front of his human companions, fifty years after he got pinned to the tree by the priestess, only to be released by the woman's reincarnation. He remembers the shock on his face, the fear and anticipation that he tried so hard to disguise with hatred.

 

Inuyasha has never been able to hide his desperate need for love, for acceptance. The fool sought to find it elsewhere, with females, with humans. But he doesn't know that it will never be enough. No simpering mortal's affection will soothe the hanyou's heart as long as his elder brother spurns him.

 

…but I wait for you…

 

Inuyasha searches his brother's face for any signs of what he might do, of whether his request will be granted. His brother has never been merciful but Inuyasha thinks that just this once, maybe he wouldn't mind. The task was not so difficult, after all, nor entirely unwelcome.

 

Hanyou and Taiyoukai remain motionless and a light breeze blows in from the open balcony door, gently lifting the billowing sleeves of Sesshoumaru's haori and the brothers' long hair.

 

Then Sesshoumaru wrenches the younger brother's face to the side and walks away.

 

If you go, if you go…

 

Inuyasha, still on his knees, turns to stare after him, panicked. No! That can't happen. Sesshoumaru is supposed to punish him for what he has done. His elder brother is supposed to take this miserable life that he has claimed or at least beat him within an inch of his life.

 

Pain…shivers run down Inuyasha's spine as he recalls all the wonderful ways in which Sesshoumaru can cause him pain, make him scream and beg for mercy, make hi feel like dirt beneath his boots. Pain is what he came here for. Sesshoumaru would not be cruel enough to abandon him at a time like this…

 

…would he?

 

…And leave me down here on my own…

 

“Brother?” Inuyasha asks in a shaking voice.

 

Sesshoumaru does not give any indication that he has heard. He leisurely makes his way across the room. The giant doors open instantly at a touch from him and he leaves without a backward glance.

 

Inuyasha's heart clenches in unexpected fear as he is left alone in the room. He turns to look outside the balcony. The night is beautiful - cool and haunting. Leaves rustle gently in the peaceful night but all Inuyasha can hear is the blood pounding through his veins, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

 

His skin itches with the urge to get up, to destroy something, to run but he remains there on his knees. His brother has not given him permission to get up, after all.

…Then I'll wait for you.

 

He stares at the door through which the demon Lord went and it occurs to him that Sesshoumaru is furious.

 

Inuyasha's mind races, thinking, wondering….

 

What has he done for Sesshoumaru to reject him so completely? To punish him like this? Has he done anything recently to make him so angry? He has obeyed his brother, done nothing to deliberately offend him.

 

And he did not seem angry when he came. He was his usual, impassive self. Until-

 

Until he mentioned Kikyou. His brother's face had tightened in anger when he mentioned the dead priestess's name. But Inuyasha does not understand why. He did not think his brother considered humans worth even his anger. They were a mere annoyance, like worms on a rain drenched ground. Hardly worth his notice. Why should Sesshoumaru hate Kikyou? She was dead now anyway.

 

The night crawls on, a millisecond at a time. The nights when he is with his brother seem to pass by in a moment. One night of pain and pleasure with his brother seemed incredibly unfair. But now, each minute seems like an hour.

 

The unwanted thoughts clutter his mind; dark thoughts, uncomfortable thoughts. Thoughts that he sought to chase away by being with, under his brother. But it seems his brother cannot be moved to grant him that reprieve tonight.

 

Inuyasha gazes longingly out into the beautiful, serene castle gardens. He longs desperately to scale those walls and run into the cool night, to find forests to demolish, demons to slaughter, anything but staying here motionless like this. But if it is Sesshoumaru's wish that he suffer the darkness of his own heart tonight, so be it. If his brother wishes to inflict this harshest of all punishments on him, then it is not his, Inuyasha's, place to question his decision.

 

…How long must you wait for it?
How long must you pay for it?...

 

Without his brother to keep him grounded, the thoughts come unbidden, unrestrained. His life passes before his eyes like a film.

 

The long cold nights when he was young, when Sesshoumaru hated him fiercely enough to not interfere with his life at all, when he spent his life running, trying to survive with his only memory of love being his gentle mother who had died so young. The silver haired demon Lord had kept him from being killed by others but just barely. And the awe inspiring power and matchless grace of his brother had been his ideal for years, till he became old enough to love and consequently, old enough to hate.

 

Other memories come, memories of red, red love, beautiful and pure - memories of Kikyou. Then the memories of everything that came after - betrayal and pain and 50 years of dreams and nightmares and then Kagome.

 

Kagome, who is nothing like Kikyou, Kagome whom he cares for but does not love. Sesshoumaru is the only one now who can keep him from hurting her. Sesshoumaru has to end him, take his accursed life before he once again ends up destroying the one who cares for him, the fierce, independent girl who is too innocent to know of a hanyou's curse. At least Kikyou had known of it. Kikyou had been cursed herself.

 

He looks once again at the door, willing his brother to return, willing him to put him out of his misery.

 

Is this what I deserve, Inuyasha wonders, heart clenching with pain. Yet the pain would not reach his eyes in the form of tears. His eyes are dry. To be left alone…by him…Of course, he knew he did not deserve being with his blue blooded brother, did not deserve being close to the matchless Taiyoukai. But his heart is ignorant and he cannot help wishing.

 

Singing…
Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me…

 

Fear filled eyes gaze longingly at the door. Kikyou's face swims before his eyes and he shudders, gasping.

 

Its' no good…he's tried to control himself, tried to hold himself together for Sesshoumaru, but it is too much now. His brother ordered him never to harm himself but his brother is not here right now to enforce that order. Maybe if he disobeyed, Sesshoumaru would come to punish him…

 

Inuyasha takes a deep breath and raises his claws. Very deliberately, he drags the razor sharp claws on the inside of his arms creating deep wounds. Blood gushes out in generous measure. The hanoyu keeps one eye on the door and waits for his brother to rush in at any moment, furious. He is going against his brother's orders, he is disobeying. Sesshoumaru is not one to take insubordination lightly.

 

But the minutes tick on and the flowing blood slowly tapers off into trickles as the wounds heal. Why isn't he coming? To beat him, admonish him, kill him, anything…why isn't he coming?

 

Tears brim in the hanyou's eyes but the eyes stay glued on the closed doors. The night is silent as Inuyasha once more exacerbates his wounds. The room is heavy once again with the scent of fresh spilt blood.

 

The tears in his eyes finally fall, mixing with the blood.

 

The night wears on but the door remains closed.

_________________________________________________________________ _______

 

To be continued in the next chapter….