InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Why Can't I Love Him? ❯ Why Me? ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Why Can’t I Love Him?

Chapter 1


Why Me?

A young man with long, flowing, white hair ran through the forest at top speed. To the human eye he was just a red and white blur. To a youkai’s eyes, however, they would be able to see his strong legs churning, and they would recognize the look in his golden eyes. They would see his determined expression and leave him alone. It did not matter that he was a hanyou, when anyone was fighting to get to the one they love, they could be stronger than anything ever imagined.

A fleeting thought crossed this young man’s mind as he dodged another tree on the way to his important destination. He wondered why, when they had been hurrying places before, did demons attack at every turn, but when he was on his own and running to help the person he hated, they stayed away. He marked it down as fate and increased his speed. He was now moving at speeds that he’d never thought he could ever reach.

He smelled a familiar scent off to his left, but he didn’t pursue it. He didn’t need to concern himself with that mangy wolf at this time. A scrawny wolf would just slow him down. Kouga thought differently and began to follow the hanyou’s scent. He could never tell why Inuyasha had always run away from him before things got hotter than just making out. Kouga wanted some answers and the hanyou was going to give them to him now.


(Five Miles Away)

Sesshoumaru leaned against the sturdy tree he had picked out. He sighed a sigh of great pain. This wound was more serious than he could ever have imagined. If he didn’t take it easy, he might die. This thought did not suit the demon Lord and he gritted his teeth as the pain hit him full force once again. The medicinal herbs he’d found must be wearing off.

He looked down and saw that his own blood was slowly seeping through the thin fabric of his kimono. Using his trembling fingers, he took off the armor that he wore over his chest so he could survey the damage. There was a huge acid burn on his chest and his stomach was dripping blood. Sesshoumaru winced as he felt the poison enter his heart. Soon he would be dead. He was almost past the point of no return.

He closed his amber eyes and tried to block out the pain. He did not want someone to find the Great Demon Lord of the West with a look of pain frozen on his face. It would be dishonorable. A strand of wayward hair tickled his cheek. He resisted the urge to push back the long strand of white, for it would only make the poison spread faster. He hoped against all hope that one of his allies would come find him and be able to take care of his wounds before they got so bad that nothing in this world could save him.

As much as he acted to the contrary, Sesshoumaru wanted desperately to live. There was so much more that he needed to do. There was so much more that he wanted to do. He wanted to be there for Rin as she grew up, and he wanted to protect her for the rest of her life. He wanted to be able to love someone with his whole heart as he had loved his brother long before now. Long before they had ever come to hate. Long before they had ever grown apart. Long ago when they had made their own paradise.

Since he had nothing to do until he died, he remembered.


(51 Years Ago)


Sesshoumaru POV

Inuyasha was sitting on a rock out in the middle of the forest near my castle. He was having one of his many lapses into unpleasant memory. Even when I saw him on a regular bases he always seemed a bit sad.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't see me, his own brother, I started watching him.The reason I was standing there staring at my half-brother was because I was trying to decide wether to kill him or not. That was when I smelt the tears.

Inuyasha, who never let an enemy see him display an emotion other than rage and hate, was actually crying. What could have happened that would ever make him do that, especially with me nearby? Had my whimpy brother gone soft?

Inuyasha opened his eyes and saw his brother. I watched on in silence as the hanyou's eyes widened and he tried to dry his tears on the fire-rat robe that I immediately identified as having belong to our father. Where my little brother could have gotten such a treasure was beyond me.

"What the hell are you doing here, Sesshoumaru?" He yelled. I smirked. Who was he to tell me that I couldn't patroll my lands in case I ran into him. I might have to kill him after all.

"This is near my home, and therefore a part of my lands. I, Sesshoumaru, shall be forced to kill you if you show anymore insolence." Why couldn't I bring myself to kill this wekaling? I had never been unable to kill anything in all my years of living, so why would my weakness appear now? Could it have something to do with the person in question? No, that was silly. I didn't even like my brother.

"Is that what you call it? I was going for completely and total disregard for you or your pathetic lands. You might be a lord, but you aren't better than me!" Why must he tempt me? I wish to kill him so badly, but still I can't. I can't move my arm in his direction at all. I feel as though I am frozen to the spot just by looking into the eyes that remind me so much of my own.

"Since you are obviously grieving about something, I will spare your life. If you wish to have a place to live, my castle is two miles in that direction. I, Sesshoumaru, will never turn you out, but if you get me mad, I cannot say as to what I will do to you." Why the hell had I just offered him a home? Why was my mouth and body betraying my mind? Am I sick?


(Back to Wounded Sesshoumaru)


That was the day that I first realized that I had feelings for my brother. My heart knew before my mind did, and it took over for me. It offered him a home close to me and it opened up the way to the happy months after that.

I had never known that i could be capable of loving anyone but myself. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself. My brother was sweet and kind under his hard exterior. He was everything I wanted to be, but everything I could never risk being. He was like the alter me, and I can't say that I didn't love him for that. It only made me want him even more.

I now wish that I had just given in from the beginning. If I had just come to terms with things, then he wouldn't have left me like he did. If I hadn't been such a coward, he would never have met that damn wolf. I lay back and rested my head on the furry boa that signified my rank as a lord. I remembered the day my half-demon brother introduced me to Kouga the wolf demon.


(2 Months After Inuyasha Took Up Residence In The Castle)


I had been wandering the halls aimlessly for hours now. I knew what I wanted, but my head refused to admit it once again. I was hoping to run into Inuyasha so that maybe this time I could tell him everything. It had been two months and I couldn't help but get hard when he turned his piercing eyes in my direction. I knew that I had to do something about this or I would end up driving myself insane, but I didn't know what I could do. I knew that of I told him the truth that he would hate me forever, but if I sent him away then I would probably die. This was most definately a problem with no easy solution. It wasn't like I could just kill him anymore. It had gone far past the point where killing him would have made things better.

I smelt him coming. From his scent I immediately knew that he'd been in the hot springs recently. My guess was correct and as I turn the corner I saw him striding toward rubbing a cloth through his long hair to dry it out. He only had on the pants to his fire-rat outfit. So he was going hunting as soon as he finished getting dressed. He now only wore that outfit when he was going to hunt for small youkai, and he only did that when he was stressed.

I tore my eyes away from his bare chest before he could follow my line of sight and find out my secret. He had a worried look on his face when he realized it was me that he'd run into. I had no idea as to how I should take that in the way of a sign. It was now or never. I took a deep breath, but instead of asking the real question that I wanted to know, I chickened out and took a safer route.

"Are you going hunting later?" I am such a whimp. When did I become so scared of one person? Of course, I knew the answer to that question. I had always been inihibited when it came to my little brother. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care anymore. The only thing I worried about now was making sure he didn't hate me. I would rather live forever with the shame of him rejecting me on my shoulders than living for any amount of time knowing that he hated me.

"Yes I am. I've been feeling a bit cooped up lately. I think a good hunt will do nicely." Inuyasha was waiting for my answer. I could see in his eys that he desprately needed to hear something specific from me. I trembled on the inside, but I didn't show it in my face. What if I got the answer wrong. Or worse, what if I got it right?

I decided to take a chance. I desperately wanted to spend more time with him, but I'd never gotten the chance because of how busy I was. I didn't have anything planned for the rest of the day, and it had been a while since I'd gone hunting. I needed to relive some of my own stresses from time to time. I decided to go along with him. I could always leave if he didn't wish for my help, or my love. In the woods would be a better place for a confession than a palace crawling with servants.

"I, Sesshoumaru, would enjoy it if you would allow me to come with you." Was it just my imagination, or did his eyes light up? I must have eaten something that disagreed with me. Why should he be happy at the thought of spending the afternoon with me. Even through my feelings towards him, I had never shown him any kindness. It just wasn't in my nature, but neither was blowing off an entire day to spend it with someone that I wanted to love me.

"I would like that." I know I didn't imagine that. His voice dropped an octave and he was pleased. So he did like me at least a little. But did he like me as I loved him?

"We'll meet at the gates after you have finished getting ready." I said and chuckled to myself as a light blush envaded his cheeks. Was he embarrassed because I had seen him without a shirt on? I hoped so.

I hurried back to my room and plopped down on the large futon. what was I doing? He'll never return my feelings, so why am I acting like an idiot? It must have been something I ate. There's no other reason. I have to push my love to the back of my mind and my heart like I have been. I cannot have him hate me.

I put on a lighter kimono and no armor. I only wore the armor as a sign of my importance. I hunted better without it. I slipped Tensaiga into my sash so that I wouldn't lose it. It might be a useless sword, but it was a figurehead for my rule. People would go insane if they saw I wasn't wearing it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the first born.

I went to the front gstes and waited for him to appear. I didn't expect for him to get here before me. He was only a hanyou after all. Half the speed, half the power, but more of my love than any full demon had ever received.

I saw him running to the gate as fast as he could. why was there a look of intense joy on his face? Could I be right in my feelings after all? could it be possible that someone as good as him could love me in return? There was only one way to find out. I was going to confess today no matter what.

"Are you ready to go, or do you think that I'll get more than you so you chickened out?" Inuyasha was back to his cocky self, but I could tell that he was happy. He was radiating happiness the likes of which I hadn't seen in himi for a long time. It amazed at how little it took for him to come out of his shell. Maybe if I'd shown more interest earlier we could be well on our way to living peacefully together forever. I am such a wimp.

"I, Sesshoumaru, have been ready for a full minute before you even got here. Lead the way to where ever it was you were going." I didn't mean to seem rude, but that was just the way I hid things. I hid behind my mask of frigidness, and I couldn't stop it. It was who I was. I just thought that it was progress that I was letting him pick to hunting spot instead of me. Normally I didn't let anyone choose something for me. I really must be going soft. I hope it doesn't apply to my affairs as lord, though. That is a whole different world.

Inuyasha nodded and took off. I was able to keep up easily and just let my mind wander. I knew what my heart wanted, but head still protested loudly.
My head reasoned that he was my brother and nothing could happen between us. My heart countered that it shouldn't matter as long as both of us are happy. My head answered with the ever present worry of whether he even likes me like that. My heart told me that I'd never know if I never asked. My head responded with the fact that we'd be looked down on and my subjects might not like it. My heart told me that there were others out there with the same problem and they haven't been burned at the stake as of yet; Love can't be controlled.

My heart won, but I still had my doubts. Inuyasha was being nice because he wanted to spend time with me as a brother and not because of anything else. I wanted to believe that so bad and get on with my life, but I just couldn't. I had to know. What better time than now while we were away from prying eyes of servants and visiting lords?

I caught the scent of a wolf demon in the area. I didn't recognize him, but Inuyasha did. He stopped dead in his tracks and took off after the scent. I knew that he couldn't think that he had a chance against the youkai. I just assumed they were friends.

"Hey Dog Terd! What are you doing in my territory? And who the hell do you think you are?" The wolf demon's blue eyes swept over me from head to toe. He flicked back a strand of his long black hair. I sighed and contemplated killing the insolent creautre. Why should I take critism from anyone other than my brother?

"I am the Demon Lord of the West, Sesshoumaru. And who are you to mock people you do not even know?" I was very angry. Inuyasha was just watching our exchange form the sidelines. I could tell that he was very uncomfortable about something, but I couldn't tell what it was. It seemed as though he was having conflicting emotions about something.

"Really?" I could see that he was trying to play it off as nothing, but his eyes widened and his brown tail began to swish from side to side in anticipation. He was just an annoying hotheaded demon like the rest of them. All talk, but no brains or skills to back up what they say.

"Do sense a lie in my scent? I, Sesshoumaru, am the acting ruler of the lands of the West, where you have chosen to make your home. You should be the making up lies to preserve your life. I've killed people for more trivial things than just insulting me." I wasn't really annoyed anymore. I liked this guy's spunk. He was like a more crude version of my own brother.

I shook my head mentally. I have to stop thinking about my brother. It's distracts me and then I'm at a disadvantage.

"I apologise, Sesshoumaru-sama. I did not recognize you." Kouga was just being a jerk now. Going through the motions so I wouldn't kill him. Little did he know, but I can see what his motives were. He wanted me dead for some unknown reason.

"Hm."

"Sesshoumaru. We have to go. I thought you wanted to hunt." Inuyasha was ready to move on. I guess he thought that Kouga and I would get along. We should have, but something was making him hate me.


(Back to Injured Sesshoumaru)


I didn't know it back then, but Kouga was in love with my brother just as I was. That's why he wanted to kill me. He didn't have to worry. Inuyasha didn't love my anyway. I wish he had. All the things he said to me and all the things he did with me were a substitue for Kouga, who he thought didn't want him. I think I knew that even way back then. Inuyasha never said it at all, but I could tell. I don't know how or why, but I could.

He was always running off to see Kouga when the wolf was in the area. He was always distracted and seemed as though he was planning something. I didn't see it when I should have because of the veil love placed over my eyes.

Laying here in this place waiting to die has taught me something. I really don't regret anything I did in the slightest. If I had the chance I would do it all over again the same way. This love of mine has made me stronger.

I have learned to love the hard way, but I have learned. Most demons do not learn the true meaning of love before they die. I know so I can die happy, even though I am sad.

I still remember vividly the day he left he left me.


(1 Month Before Inuyasha got Pinned to the Tree)


I had told my brother five months ago that I loved as something more than a brother, and he'd told me the same. I was so happy that I never noticed how at times he would seem distant. I never noticed how at times he would just stare out into the woods. We ran into Kouga a couple of times while we were active, but they were short meetings and they were very strained. It was about now that I was beginning to suspect something else was going on. Inuyasha would disappeaer for weeks at a time and whe he came back he'd give me some stupid excuse.

I wanted to know where he was going, but I never had time to go follow him. I was always so busy with my duties. i guess he was gettingbored just waiting around for me to finsih my work so that we could spend a few hours together at night. I wish things could be different, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I gave him the choice to come with me on my inspections of the lands, and the trips I made to other holdings, but he'd always refused.

I saw him jump over the wall that led to the surrounding lands. Today I had nothing planned, so I decided that I was finally going ot get to the bottom of the mystery of where that hanyou was going while I was busy. I waited and then followed after his scent.

The trail he left went on for miles. i could now see why he didn't come home right away. This was a tiring journey even for a demon like me. Inuyasha must be suffering shortness of breath by now, and his muscles must hurt like hell. If this was how he was feeling, then what was pushing him forward? It had to be something important for him to risk his health to get there.

He stopped suddenly and I hung back. I wanted to see what he was going to do. He seemed as though he was sniffing the air for something. I froze. what if he smelt me on his trail? How was I going to explain myself? I waited for him to shout out my name, but when that time never came I breathed a sigh of relief. He walked over to a giant tree. He turned and stared in the direction of a small village that I'd never been to before. Who lived in this village. from what I could smell, it was only mere humans. What was so special about them?

I saw a human preistess coming. Inuyasha nodded and jumped into the tree to hide. I just stayed where I was. what in the world was going on around here? Instead of things making more sense, they were making even less.

I watched as the preistess took a seat in the grass around the tree. She seemed to know that my brother was there. She addressed him and he stuck his head out from inbetween one of the branches.She asked him to join her, and he jumped down warily. He sat about ten feet from her, but he listened to her. He rarely ever did anything I said.

I didn't care about what they were talking about. Inuyasha had betrayed me, but it wasn't with who I'd thought it would be with. Kouga would be hurt when he found out, but I knew there was nothing I could do for now. I couldn't kill him or her. I woulld feel bad for the rest of my life if I did that. I turned my back on them and left as fast as I could.

I ran for hours, until I ran into that wolf demon, Kouga. He seemed very happy about something, but I couldn't tell what there was to be happy about. My heart felt like it had been torn in two.

"So, Sesshoumaru-sama. How are things going with Inuysaha? I haven't seen him around in a while." I growled in the back of my throat. He was gloating. How dare he thnk he could talk down to me? I wanted to kill him, but I felt as though there was more to his story. I couldn't shake the feeling that he knew more than he was letting on.

"Tell me what you know, Kouga, or I will kill you." I dropped all pleasantries. I really would kill this fucking wolf and I wanted him to know it. This time my brother wasn't here to protect him.

"I know that your brother doesn't love you or that excuse for a preistess. He only concerns himself with her so he can get the Shikon jewel and be with me forever!" Kouga burst out into laugh and my heart fell in my chest. The Shikon jewel was known to all youkai. It all made sence to me now. Inuyasha was just using me to get what he wanted. He obviously came to hear the whereabouts of the jewel from one of the servants at the castle. They were known for listening in the shadows and then giving away information for a price. How could I have been so stupid?

"I see I've struck a chord. You became way too attached to your brother, Sesshoumaru. How does it feel to now that you were only second best on his list?" Kouga was getting very cocky for someone who was close to death. Well, for someone who didn't know that I would never raise a hand against him if he made my half-brother happy.

I said no more. I just left to go back to my castle. I left a roll of paper with a letter on it with one of the gate guards. I told him to give it to my brother when he returned. I left specific instructions that he was not allowed back in the castle and that all his things were to be burned. I hurried back to my chambers to cry for the first time in my life.

I wondered the castle aimlessly. I ended up in his room. I just stared about the room pointlessly. I walked over to the handmade wardrobe that housed the robes I'd given to him. I hadn't wanted him wearing the same outfit everyday. I pulled out one of his favorite outfits. I'd given it to him five months ago after our first time together.

It was a man's kimono that had little golden embroidered flowers along the sleeves. It was a bright red, like the robes he always wore, this one wasn't silk or some other fine cloth like the other one's I'd given him. It was just a regular cotton garmant that we'd found once when I allowed him to come with me on an inspection of my lands. He loved it. He always told me that it made him feel even more special than the silks and furs had. My brother had been a strange one. I decided to keep the robe so I would always remember his betrayal, and so that I wouldn't make the same mistakes twice.


(Back to Where Sesshoumaru is Dangerously Close to Finally Bleeding to Death)


I still had that kimono. It was with me. I couldn't go anywhere without it after Inuyasha had stupidly gotten himself pinned to that damn tree. I guess that I sould have been happy, but I couldn't bring myself to ever hate him like I should. I guess I just loved him far too much.

I had seen how happy he seemed with that reincarnation, and even if my brother didn't love her, I had seen him with Kouga on numerous occasions. The only times I ever spoke with him anymore where the times when I was trying to get the Tetsusaiga from him. He was never happy to see me and I guess I couldn't blame him. I was never really there for him when he needed me. If I had confronted him and stood by him fifty years ago, he would probably never have been pinned to the tree. I let my rage blind me and I acted on impulse. I should have talked it out with him and I should have wanted to help him with his quest even though he didn't love me like I did him. I should have just been a brother instead of the jilted lover. I am so ashamed. I wish he was here so I could tell him that I'm sorry for everything. I had my chance and somehow I blew it.

What am I saying? I knew exactly how I blew it. Inuyasha just wanted someone to be there with him at all times. He didn't just want to sit back at the mansion while I went on dangerous missions that I might never return from. He wanted to be there with me. He wanted to be at my side and help me when I needed him. He needed a mate and not a Lord, but all I knew how to be was a Lord. Gods, I am such a fool.

I raised my head and yelled into the wind, "INUYASHA, WHERE EVER YOU ARE, I'M SORRY!"

It was a stupid thing to do, but I was already dying. There wasn't much left that I could do for myself. I just prayed that he was somewhere nearby and that he'd heard my last cry. I hoped so much that he could be here, but that wasn't going to happen. I didn't deserve for him to be by my side as I died. Not after the way I treated him. I hope they will help Rin find a home. I know that miko will want to help. She's perfect for Inuyasha. She can give him the love and attention that he so deperately wanted, but that I couldn't give him.

Inuyasha, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and that I've always loved you before I die.


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