InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Why I can't Live Without Her ❯ Why I can't Live Without Her ( Chapter 1 )

Why I can't live without her

 

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Summary: They meet when they're both very young, become lovers, but 'life' happens and decisions are made. Even if Inuyasha wants to undo them and it appears to be too late, he can't live without her. 1stPOV

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha and I make no money from this story.

 

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I met Kagome when I would have least expected it. She was just a normal girl, so very cute, so very quiet. No freckles, no button nose, but delicate features and eyes so beautiful that I lost myself in their meaning. She didn't really speak when we first met and I felt uncomfortable around her, because she made me check my face for spots and my clothes for stains countless times for fear of it being the reason why she stared at me so openly.

 

We didn't go to the same school, but her brother and I did. Souta was a good kid, two years younger than us, but he seemed a lot more talkative than Kagome.

 

It turned out, Kagome was the one who couldn't stop talking, but why she barely said a word around me was a mystery.

 

Her mother was a sweet woman and she always made sure to pick up Souta from school. And since school ended at the same time for both siblings, she picked up Kagome, too, even if the young girl didn't want her classmates to laugh at her because her mother still came to school after her.

 

I was Souta's regular defender. He was a bit of a chicken, so he got picked on constantly, but with me to bully the bullies off him every day he could be a normal kid. I was proud of him, cause he was starting to learn to stand up to those trouble-makers, but he was still too skinny and small to pick fights with them and actually win, like I always did.

 

His mother came to thank me that day, and Kagome was clinging to her arm uncharacteristically, as I was to learn later on. She didn't seem frightened of me, but at the same time it didn't appear as if she were enjoying my presence to the extreme, either. I was curious, intrigued; why would a girl seem so reluctant to be around me?

 

As insecure as I was, I thought it was because of the demon blood that coursed through my veins, or because of my half demon ears that looked like a dog's, or my golden eyes, or my impossibly long, silver hair - I just couldn't cut it fashionably, because it would just grow back in half a day - but she surprised me with her first words directed at me.

 

Gritting her teeth behind closed lips so much that I could see her jaw clench and unclench, she looked up at the top of my head and released her mother's arm. “Can I touch them?”

 

I assume I was surprised as hell, because I remember making a strange squeak that sadly resembled a girl's, and Souta chuckled.

 

When my throat felt clearer, less raspy, I nodded weakly; I think I said a low `Yeah' and she simply latched on them. My ears, I mean. Suddenly she was so damn excited that I wondered where the shy girl had run off to. Soon I think I was purring, or growling, or doing something that came from deep within my chest, because every time she touched the sensitive fur and skin of my ears it sent prickly shivers down my spine and tingles throughout my whole body. It was just soooo nice that I felt I could fall asleep and curl at her legs or something.

 

Then I realized how stupid and dogish I sounded.

 

When she let my ears go I was disappointed, and she probably was, too, so she became that shy person once again. Now I knew how to release her from within herself, if her eyes trailing up to the top of my head from time to time had anything to say about it, but she had to go home with her mother and her brother, so there was virtually no time for that.

 

Coincidentally, from that day on I was around every time Souta's mother had to pick him up.

 

Kagome started being more daring around me, we even had minor fights when we teased each other and got angry about it respectively, but she was fun to be around. Soon we were best friends that went to the park every day, watched movies together - it was a fortune we had a lot in common - and she'd sing to me her favorite songs whenever she had a new one.

 

She changed so fast; one day she was a tomboy, and soon she wanted to be a Lady so she strove to become one. Gone were the baggy pants and awkward, boyish ponytails. Instead, Kagome started wearing skirts that showed off her nice legs, shirts that were tight enough to indicate the progress her chest was doing to bloom into a woman's, and it threw me off. I wasn't accustomed to Kagome being good looking, her body developing into a woman's. Until then I hadn't even been aware that she'd already got her period, however disgusting that sounded when my mother first explained it to me.

 

So when we went down to the beach and I realized she was better-endowed than other girls her age, I started feeling very proud that I was her friend. And I started feeling other things, too.

 

And the evidence came every morning. And at night, when odd dreams would plague me.

 

Our… relationship started clumsily. I showed her mine and she showed me hers. We were thirteen. I had only heard about it from a couple of guys older than I was, and I could only hope that I was doing it right.

 

Being the dog demon that I was (half, whatever) made me enjoy her intimate scent and her taste, even if I'd heard repulsive stories about how a woman tasted down there.

 

I felt comfortable around Kagome, and she around me, because she was no longer shy or reserved; if she wanted to try something, she'd ask; if she didn't like something, she'd say. It was a sort of a deal between us, so there wasn't a time when we didn't like being together.

 

We fought a lot; she had a lot of witty comebacks and she was almost always right, so there was nothing I could say except insult her or hurt her feelings, which did make me feel better at the beginning, but after I realized she was really hurt by it, it would make me feel like the biggest scum. So I'd apologize and she'd forgive me, and we'd make up.

 

Many times.

 

Then there was that one time when we didn't have sex for two months and I almost went ballistic and killed her friends, because they'd found out we were already being intimate and convinced her that it wasn't normal for now a fourteen year old to do such a thing. They were probably jealous that they weren't in her place; I'd once heard Yuka that she liked me very much and that she wished she were Kagome, but I wouldn't look twice at her. The three of them, Eri, Yuka, and Ayumi, were all whiny bitches who'd do everything to take Kagome away from me.

 

Or at least that was how I saw them back then, so I convinced her to stop being friends with them - I don't know how I managed that feat, but I don't feel guilty - and soon we were together and having sex as usual. My hormones were a bit in a frenzy, so if I hadn't convinced her sooner, I believe I might have just burst from the pressure.

 

One day - we were fifteen - she started wearing mini skirts. She said she liked them, but then every male around her liked them too, and even if I adored them I forbade her to wear them in public. She threw a fit, of course, didn't talk to me for a week, made her brother not talk to me for a week - to this day I have no idea what she told Souta - made her mother frown at me whenever I'd come talk to her, so I had to wait for the perfect opportunity to explain to her why I really couldn't stand her in a mini skirt. Not that her legs looked ugly and fat in them, like I'd told her.

 

Yeah, I know. I'm such a dumbass.

 

So I waited outside hidden behind a bush, knowing that she would check on the window to see if I was around in case she wanted to leave the house, and when I saw her go out the door I ran to her.

 

“Kagome, wait!”

 

I remember seeing her stop and freeze, her fists clenching at her sides, and even though I knew she'd been crying, she was acting very imposing. Her pride was annoying, but I understood that she didn't want to appear weak around me, in case I found any more flaws other than her `ugly and fat legs' which was not at all my opinion about them, regardless of the fact that I'd made her believe so.

 

In fact, Kagome was beautiful and her body was perfect. She should have known that, because I kept telling it to her every time I was alone with her, worshiping her beauty and perfection like she deserved.

 

“I don't have anything to say to you,” she said, not even turning around to look at me. But she wasn't walking away, and it meant I had a chance to explain myself.

 

However, being the idiot that I always was, I couldn't bring myself to apologize or explain, and instead I asked her, “What did you say to your brother? He won't talk to me anymore.”

 

I heard her trademark huff of annoyance and she started walking on with punctuated steps, but I called her name again, which promptly made her stop. Again.

 

“I'm sorry,” I said softly, but she heard it. By now I knew the right amount of decibels to use for her weak, human ear to catch what I was saying.

 

“I apologize for saying you're ugly and fat-”

 

“You didn't say I was ugly and fat, you stupid asshole!” she snapped all of a sudden, turning around to send arrows at me with her glare. When Kagome swore, I knew she meant business.

 

Right; I knew I was in trouble then.

 

Slowly, I backed away.

 

“So now you think I'm ugly and fat?” Her hands were on her hips, her eyes narrowed. I could feel how angry she was, so it made me nervous. And stuttering.

 

“N-no… w-well, I… I'm... that is to say…”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Inuyasha!” she bellowed and I froze. And gulped. And my heart reached a ridiculous rhythm, but that's another story.

 

We were still fifteen, but she was acting like a monstrous adult.

 

“You hurt my feelings, you idiot, so if you want me to take you back, you'd better do some serious ass licking, startling, like, right now.” Her hands were crossed over her chest and she was still glaring, but the intensity had been diminished. I assumed that since she'd poured out her soul she was calmer now. I could just imagine what had crossed her mind in that week we'd been separated.

 

Perhaps she'd missed me as much as I'd missed her.

 

“Well…” How was I supposed to tell her? I figured honesty was my best shot. “Every time you wear those ridiculously short skirts there's a guy next to you ogling your legs and ass, and I fucking feel like tearing their eyes out. I don't want them to look at what can only be mine,” I pouted, looking away as I felt my cheeks heat up. I knew I had to look embarrassed, but that was okay, because I genuinely was.

 

I heard Kagome sigh and then I felt her arms around me and I couldn't remember a happier day. It had been our first true fight and I was ecstatic to have sorted it out.

 

“So you figured insulting me was the best way to make me stop wearing them?”

 

Well, if she put it that way it did sound a bit…

 

“Inuyasha, you do realize you would have exterminated my self-assurance? I would have become this insecure girl who thought her boyfriend thought she had ugly, fat legs.”

 

“That's not true,” I said quickly. “You're perfect.” I buried my nose in her hair, inhaling her soothing scent. That's right. We were boyfriend-girlfriend, and no one and nothing would change it.

 

But I did.

 

At sixteen I was already sick of our relationship. After that fight we never had another, so everything grew dull. She was the only one I had always known and I wanted it differently. I wanted a change. I guess I was growing insecure, too, so I figured meeting someone else would do the trick. That, and my hormones were acting up, despite Kagome being incredibly good in bed.

 

I was a guy and there was no changing it. Miroku had many girls; he was a pervert, but he was fine and he was having fun. Kagome didn't have a leash wrapped around my neck; I could do whatever, but I still couldn't bring myself to cheat on her, so I broke up with her.

 

Then I met Tanaka Kikyou. She was exotically beautiful to the point that many guys envied me for going on several dates with her. She was fun to be around, a bit introverted, but we quickly worked that out. I liked that she was intelligent and that she always knew just what to say.

 

I hadn't heard anything about Kagome in a while and that was because I was avoiding her. But I knew she was avoiding me, too, so there was no real issue.

 

One night Kikyou told me she wanted to give me her virginity. I choked on my beer. It was the moment I'd been secretly waiting for ever since I started pursuing her, so there were no second thoughts on my part.

 

We went to her house - her parents were away for the weekend - and it started out with us making out on her bed, then clothes were removed, skin on skin contact was made, some more kissing, until I was finally inside her and it felt so good.

 

It was only the next morning when I woke up at her side - something I'd never done with Kagome - that I realized something was lacking. I felt like I'd cheated on my ex girlfriend, which sounded stupid, but it was a feeling I couldn't shake. The fact that I did something with Kikyou that I'd never done with Kagome in so many years disturbed me and my stomach churned unexpectedly.

 

I felt like a bastard, and I felt even guiltier that I was thinking about this while lying next to Kikyou.

 

My decision was made that instant, and I realized I was no Miroku or Kouga, who didn't care that they were breaking girls' hearts. They wanted pussy, I wanted love. Kagome's.

 

But I'd taken her for granted. I thought Kagome would always be there, waiting for me. Even subconsciously, I realized afterward, I was expecting her to wait until I'd had my fun and be there when I decided to come back. How selfish. How stupid. When I broke up with her I somehow knew we'd end up together anyway, but she proved me wrong.

 

Kagome always proved me wrong.

 

There was gossip that Kagome had hit it off with Kouga. I raged and went to the motherfucker to warn him to stay away from my girlfriend.

 

“First off,” he'd said calmly, “she's not yours anymore. Secondly, I'm not seeing her at the moment. We had our few dates, our few sessions of heavy petting,” he emphasized deliberately to enrage me further, the fucker, “but she fell for this little shit Houjo and told me she wanted to call it quits.”

 

Heavy petting? Houjo?

 

I thought my heart was going to stop from the tension.

 

Kouga cocked a quizzical eyebrow. “Weren't you with Kikyou? The whole high school knows it.”

 

Yeah, I went to the same high school as Kagome now, so she was probably one of those who heard about how perfect Kikyou was for me every day. Even if we still had a chance, I knew she wasn't going to forgive me for this. I didn't have to ask. I was aware that Kagome did this with Kouga to spite me. She knew how much I hated the fucking wolf demon, but was she genuinely in love now?

 

I almost felt betrayed, but then I realized I had betrayed myself. By pushing her away, I'd thrown her into another man's willing arms. I knew Houjo. I was positive it was Akitoki Houjo Kouga was talking about.

 

The guy was a saint; I personally thought he was a pansy, but knew that girls liked his kind. He was calm, safe to be around, had money, was intelligent, didn't fight, didn't smoke, drank only socially, so what more could a girl want from a guy?

 

My heart twisted inside my chest painfully and I realized that Kagome was really, truly, wholeheartedly in love with Houjo. I wanted to be mad, wanted to kill them both, but what right did I have?

 

I knew that now.

 

Well I had my fun, broke another girl's heart in the process - Kikyou was surely hurt that I'd left her in bed without a word - and I was alone.

 

For the first time in my life, I experienced what it meant to be completely alone.

 

The wheel turned and after a few weeks Miroku was the one to have a stable girlfriend now. I realized I'd done things backwards. Miroku, he'd had lots of girls and found this one chick that put him in his place and made him want to be good for her.

 

I didn't try to find another girl. I ignored my hormones, the many propositions I received from very good-looking chicks, and I suffered. Silently.

 

My heart was being flushed down the toilet slowly and repeatedly every time I heard anything about how well Kagome was doing by her boyfriend, Houjo. How in love they were. How good he was for her, unlike that idiot Inuyasha who'd cheated on her.

 

That was the impression people had about me. That I'd been cheating on her and had broken up with her to be able to continue my affair with Kikyou freely.

 

They weren't far off, but I'd have never been with someone while being in a relationship with her.

 

I started thinking. Was this any excuse? I had no excuse. It didn't matter that I broke up with Kagome; I was still intending to meet some other girl and start something with her. I could see it as clear as the morning sky now; I had cheated on her. I had, because my feelings for her were still there and I knew for a fact that she was in love with me when I broke up with her. I hurt her just to have some fun.

 

What the Hell was I thinking?

 

Then I met Kikyou by accident. We were on the same street and she was alone, reading something while walking slowly. She looked up for just a second and stopped. I thought she was going to slap me, but she didn't.

 

“You did a pretty stupid thing, Inuyasha,” she said, as if she were disappointed. I found myself wanting to nod, but it would seem insulting. Instead, I pursed my lips.

 

“I really thought you were in love with me; you never gave me a reason to think otherwise. We were so good together…” she trailed off, her beautiful eyes searching the ground for courage to say the next words. I hated how stupid I was to have to experience this girl's beauty in order to realize she was not enough for me; she wasn't ideal for me, she wasn't Kagome.

 

I missed Kagome.

 

“And then I heard about that other girl, Kagome. I even met her. She smiled so easily and I instantly knew that you still loved her. I even understood why,” Kikyou said and my ears drooped in shame and heartache. Oh, Kagome… so she was happy with her Houjo, smiling, giving him the love she'd once given me.

 

“It was wrong of me,” Kikyou continued, “to feel vindicated that Kagome had a boyfriend, but then I thought about you. Because I love you, Inuyasha.”

 

That made me feel even worse.

 

“I love you and I want you to be happy. But you won't be, huh? Not until you have Kagome back.”

 

I nodded and realized how great Kikyou was. For a moment I wished I could love her, but then I realized it would be wrong to Kagome, because I loved her and didn't want to give up on loving her even if I wasn't the one to have her.

 

God, was that complicated…

 

“Unfortunately, I don't think Kagome is going to leave Houjo. He's the perfect gentleman and I think she likes that. I saw how she looks at him… I don't… I'm not sure she loves you anymore, Inuyasha,” Kikyou said, compassion written all over her face and my heart literally broke. What she meant was, she was certain Kagome was completely, head-over-heels in love with Akitoki. I felt the urge to bend over and look for the broken pieces of my soul on the sidewalk or curl up and die…

 

Kagome loved Houjo. She truly loved him and I had proof. Kikyou thought so, and there was no fooling a woman's eye.

 

Could I be more miserable? I doubted it.

 

“Well, thanks anyway. I know you mean well,” I told her, finally finding my voice and hoping it had not cracked, but I realized I didn't sound so good when Kikyou flinched. Out of sheer sympathy, probably, she didn't comment on it.

 

“I'll see you around,” she said after a while and I nodded. Awkwardly, she pulled me into a hug that I returned and walked away.

 

A few months passed after that, and I don't know how she did it, but I didn't see Kagome at all. Never once walked by her by accident, never once met Houjo on my way home, never bumped into either of them at school.

 

It was like a fucking blister getting bigger and bigger, but it was my fault.

 

And Miroku kept flaunting his `amazing girlfriend', Sango, who happened to be one of Kagome's new friends, and she kept talking about how great her friend's relationship was, since she didn't know about our history together. Miroku hadn't told her. So I had to suck it up and listen to her passionate rant.

 

It turned out the outstanding couple of the year were celebrating - can you guess? - a whole year of being together and Houjo wanted to do something special for her. Sango had been there when he'd asked Kagome's mother if she let him take her daughter to a hut up in the mountains. They were going to be alone. My gut clenched at the thought.

 

Finally Miroku took pity on me and changed the subject subtly, probably noticing how pale I'd become. I, myself, felt the way my blood slowly, gradually froze within my veins.

 

Why couldn't I just forget her? Why couldn't I find another girl and try to be with her, share something special with her?

 

I wanted to be loved, to feel the affection Kagome was feeling. I wanted to heal. So I found this girl; she was two years younger and her name was Rin. I knew my older brother protected her ever since one of his friends had tried to molest her, but soon I took the role of her protector and we kept seeing each other ever more often.

 

She kissed me one day, told me she was in love with me, and surprisingly, my heart felt warmer. Better. I'd been suffering for so long that I was relieved to experience this promising feeling.

 

Rin was amazing. She was so innocent, so sweet. We never fought. She made sure I ate regularly, made me laugh, made me smile. It took a while, but when we became intimate our relationship grew even stronger. I started forgetting all the heartache, all I had had with Kagome.

 

On one of the nights when I became human and therefore more emotionally fragile - which happened monthly - I panicked, realizing I didn't want to forget everything I'd shared with Kagome, all the love, all the heartache, all the good moments, all the disasters. For the first time during my relationship with Rin I forced myself to remember all the reasons why I'd loved Kagome, and painfully realized I still loved her. The feeling was just there, buried. Treasured.

 

She was so different. Rin was almost Kagome's opposite, although sometimes they were so alike in their actions.

 

I distanced myself from my girlfriend for a while, but Rin read me like an open book and forced me to tell her the truth. She said it was normal that I still felt something for my ex, but that I loved her, now. I wasn't so sure, but she seemed to trust me so blindly that I wanted to be the one for her. I didn't leave her.

 

Eventually, it got worse. Ever since that night I couldn't get Kagome off my mind. I remembered her scent, the way her brows furrowed when she was mad, the way she could soothe me with a single caress. I loved Rin, too, though not like that. Rin made me feel comfortable, made me have faith in love again.

 

But that unadulterated, passionate love, sadly, wasn't directed at her. It belonged to Kagome.

 

So when I heard that Houjo asked her to marry him even if we still had two years until finishing high school I snapped. I'd wasted too much of my time, of Rin's time. I'd wasted too much time in general.

 

Time I could have spend with Kagome, with my soulmate. I didn't want anyone but her.

 

Rin understood without me having to tell her, and she was sad, but she forgave me.

 

“We weren't for each other,” she reasoned when I tried to apologize. “But give me one last kiss.” I did that and she smiled through tears. I brushed them off, kissed them away, like I used to. I couldn't stop apologizing.

 

Then I learned the usual places where Kagome and Houjo hung out and went, ignoring the crazy way my heart beat inside my ribcage.

 

Everything comes down to this moment. Now. I see them there; her head resting on his shoulder peacefully, one delicate hand in his. They look so picture perfect that I feel like throwing up. I'm physically ill.

 

But I ignore all these symptoms and walk steadily towards them. It's right now that I notice she's looking at me with confused, big eyes, and I can hear her furiously pounding heartbeat. This is how I know… how could I have been so stupid? She's been waiting for me. She's been secretly testing me. I know, because it's crystal-clear. As clear as her scent among the others'.

 

Her heartbeat matches mine.

 

I smile and she frowns, pushing herself more into her boyfriend to prove me something. I see her engagement ring shine, but I'm not intimidated at all. Nothing can stop me now. Not even Kagome can, not even that stupid ring. Not even pathetic Akitoki that starts frowning, too.

 

“You got some nerve coming here,” he hisses, but I pay him no attention. Without warning, I hoist Kagome up and carry her away. Even if she's struggling, I relish holding her in my arms as I run like the demon I am.

 

When I reach the rooftop of the building I set her down on her feet, loving the way her hair moves with the wind, the way her skin flushes, her eyes sparkle with her glare.

 

I love her. Gods, I love her so much.

 

“What the Hell took me so long?” I ask myself loud enough for her to hear.

 

“I don't know what you think you're doing, but I'd appreciate it if you left me alone.” Her voice interrupts my line of thinking and I smile. Even if we went through so much shit I can't help but want her. I want to be by her side, to watch her smile every morning, to caress the side of her face. I want to be the one to apply gentle pressure to her wounds when she's hurt, tenderly asking if she's okay.

 

I want to be that one.

 

I approach her and she steps back, till her back is pressed to the door and she doesn't have any room to retreat.

 

“Do you love him?” I ask and her features harden; she looks determined. I know that look.

 

“I do.” But her voice is so strong and secure that I know she's lying. She's the only one who doesn't.

 

“You don't,” I argue and take one more step towards her. This time she doesn't seem to mind. Or notice.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

She laughs sarcastically, but her body doesn't lie when her heart skips a beat and that's how I know she's realized it. She loves me, too. I'm so lucky to have such sensitive ears.

 

“You love me,” I challenge and she frowns. She glares. But she doesn't say anything, because she knows I'd discover her lies. Her palms are sweating; I can smell it. Her breath is picking up pace and I can just feel her rising panic.

 

Right now I'm within touching distance so I trail a claw smoothly down her arm. She shivers and I smile, knowing I've got her.

 

“I won't be weak again,” she says while shaking her head and taking a step behind. I make her weak.

 

“No, you won't. I'll help you always be strong.”

 

Her tears take me by surprise; so does the resolute shake of her head.

 

“You won't hurt me again.”

 

It wasn't a question, and I understood that through this statement she is trying to make me realize that she wants to leave things as they are. “I'm happy now. Houjo makes me happy. He doesn't hurt me, doesn't leave me alone to be with another. Houjo loves me.”

 

“I love you, too,” I tell her, and suddenly I have her in my arms, holding her tightly, not daring to let her go. I can feel her tears wet my shirt, I can feel the pain radiate off her in waves. I can feel her fragile little heart breaking under the pressure of my words and I want to help her heal.

 

“I swear I'll never hurt you again.”

 

Doesn't she know? No matter what happens, I'll always find my way back to her.

 

She shakes her head fisting my shirt. “No. I won't let you hurt me again. I'm not giving you another chance.”

 

Then she stars to push herself away for me, but I'm relentless. I can't let her go. I don't.

 

“Yes, you will. You will, because you love me. And because you know I love you. I screwed up, Kagome, I'm sorry, but baby, I've only ever loved you.”

 

And I'm being serious.

 

“What about Rin?” she asked simply, no tinge of jealousy in her voice. Now I'm the one to panic.

 

“I… tried to take my mind away from you.”

 

“And you made it for a while, didn't you?” she observed bitterly.

 

“Yeah, I… I did, but… I can't without you, Kagome.”

 

My voice breaks and this time she's watching me curiously, her eyes piercing mine until I feel as if she can see straight through my body down to my toes.

 

“I can't live without you…”

 

She knows it, too. She smiles.

 

“You're an idiot,” she says against my shoulder and I mirror her happiness. “You're the biggest idiot ever.”

 

“I thought I'd lost you,” I murmur weakly against her ear and she laughs.

 

“Idiot… stupid,” she keeps saying. “You've never lost me, moron. You just misplaced me.”

 

Then I kiss her and she shuts up, because the shiver that goes through both of us, messing with our thinking is the most intense thing I've ever felt. Her lips feel perfect molded to mine. Her body is so smooth and she smells of home. I inhale deeply, forgetting myself, forgetting anything but the feel of her smooth skin delicately touching mine.

 

“But if I…” she whispers against my chest and I flick my ears to hear her better. “What if I told you I wanted to stay by Houjo?”

 

My throat dries and she knows it. There are few words to describe how speechless and numb I feel, but I decide to respect her wishes for a change. I love Kagome with all my heart and I can't possibly live a normal life without her, but I… I want her to be happy.

 

“If you… if that's what you want…” My voice is cracking, peeling at the edges as if it were a rotten apple knowing it would be thrown away. “But,” I try to reason, “are you sure you love him?”

 

She sighs, “Yes… I'm sure.”

 

She loves him. Kagome loves Akitoki just like I love Rin, but she prefers him while I prefer her. Damn, the mere knowledge hurts.

 

“I understand,” I whisper weakly, hoping I'm not damaging my pride further, but at the same time giving no more than two craps about my ego, and I pull away from her. I was being honest; I do want Kagome to be happy with whomever she chooses. And it's not only because I've made a lot of mistakes and wish to atone, but I've understood what true affection means. At least… I hope we can remain friends.

 

“But,” I say trying to gauge her every gesture, every cherished expression. “Can we... will we still be friends?” Best friends? As we've once been?

 

Her eyes are shiny from tears and I feel my bottom lip twitch, a sign I might soon cry, too. But I purse my lips, narrow my eyes slightly to prevent wetness from coming through, and force a defeated smile.

 

When I left Rin I didn't think everything through. I never once imagined Kagome would still choose Houjo over me, but why wouldn't she? The guy has never hurt her… The moment I decided to once again fight for Kagome, I envisioned her as a girlfriend, as a lover, a wife… a mother of my children. This is how I want her, how much I love her, but I will accept her friendship, if she'll give it to me.

 

It's hard to explain what I'm feeling now, as a genuine smile plays on her puffy lips, but I hope she's not wallowing in my misery.

 

“You've changed,” she speaks softly, hugging me of her own accord and burying her nose in my shirt. “God, you've changed.” She sounds so exhilarated that I can't help but feel a sparkle of hope bloom in my chest.

 

“Yes, I'll take you back Inuyasha. I'll take you back…”

 

As there's no sound or word I can utter to explain what's going on in my mind; I only tighten my hold on her and cherish her delicate scent, the feel of her small hands, her perfect body. I like her wrapped around me like she is; I like her best when she's with me.

 

You'd expect me to say I can't live without her because I love her immensely and my life without her would be like a life with no air. I do love her and spending any amount of time without Kagome would be like lacking an important key to my survival, but there is another reason.

 

… how I know I can't live without her?

 

Because I already tried.

 

.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 

A/N: I hope you liked it. It's just something I came up with. I'm sure it's been done before (though I doubt that in the exact, same way), but this is my version :) Please review, it would make me super happy :D